Some people think that family background is the key factor for children’s success, while others claim that learning environment plays a more important role in their outstanding achievement. Discuss both points of views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that family background is the key factor for children’s success, while
others claim that learning environment plays a more important role in their outstanding
achievement. Discuss both points of views and give your own opinion.

It is said that the background of the family is the major element for children’s success. However, other people claim that learning environment plays a more significant role in their outstanding achievement. This essay shall present these view points clearly before my own opinion is given.
On the one hand, some people belived that learning environment plays a more important role in their outstanding achievement because of the following reasons. One of them is that it is obvious that the school's first and utmost responsibility is to provide academic education to its students. In detail, he mandatory subjects at schools prepare students with basic knowledge about the world and that knowledge could facilitate their higher education and future careers. Another one is that school is essential for children’s social development because it provides an environment for students to socialize and space for practicing empathy, compassion, and kindness. First, positive relationships in the school, such as those with teachers, friends, and classmates, open up the mind to new learning experiences. Feeling a sense of safety and belonging is essential for adolescents’ emotional development. Additionally, having great mark sheets is not enough for a successful life. It is essential that students learn to express themselves, and effectively put forth thoughts and ideas. These are skills that they will need in every life arena, including professional life.
On the other hand, there are many reasons why family background is the key factor for children’s success. Firstly, family plays a crucial role in fostering language skills in children. Because it is innate for children to imitate the way that adults around them speak, parents can help their children enhance both non-verbal and verbal languages through talking to them on a daily basis, explaining difficult words or encouraging them to speak more. Thanks to those efforts, children could improve their language skills naturally. Secondly, children’s characteristics, which determine how children react to extrinsic factors, could be highly influenced by their families. For example, many families try to use praise to reinforce children's confidence, while others decide to form their kids' autonomy with stringent disciplines. Needless to say, families' ways of educating children could occasion certain positive. Last but not least, Children’s physiques are built by both parental physical traits and the living lifestyles of their families. In other words, children inherit certain visual features from their parents as we can see the resemblances between people and their offsprings in terms of heights and body types. Additionally, if children are brought up in families with healthy and active lifestyles, they would be more likely to consume healthy foods and do exercises, thus having well-functioning bodies.
In conclusion, I think both family background and learning environment play significant role in children’s success. However, family background is still the major factor for their achivement because it not only reflect children's characteristics but it also affect directly their success.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is said that" -> "It is commonly believed that"
   Explanation: "It is commonly believed that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a widely held opinion, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.

2. "the major element" -> "a crucial factor"
   Explanation: "A crucial factor" is more specific and academically appropriate than "the major element," which is somewhat vague and informal.

3. "other people claim" -> "others argue"
   Explanation: "Others argue" is a more formal and precise way to introduce opposing viewpoints in academic writing.

4. "some people belived" -> "some individuals believe"
   Explanation: Correcting the spelling error "belived" to "believe" and replacing "people" with "individuals" refines the formality and precision of the statement.

5. "he mandatory subjects" -> "the mandatory subjects"
   Explanation: Correcting the grammatical error "he" to "the" fixes the sentence structure and maintains grammatical correctness.

6. "could facilitate" -> "can facilitate"
   Explanation: "Can facilitate" is more direct and assertive, which is preferred in academic writing for clarity and authority.

7. "Another one is that" -> "Another factor is that"
   Explanation: "Another factor is that" is more specific and formal, improving the academic tone of the sentence.

8. "having great mark sheets" -> "achieving high academic grades"
   Explanation: "Achieving high academic grades" is a more precise and formal way to describe academic performance, replacing the colloquial "having great mark sheets."

9. "It is essential that students learn to express themselves" -> "It is crucial that students develop effective communication skills"
   Explanation: "Develop effective communication skills" is a more specific and academically appropriate phrase than "learn to express themselves," which is somewhat vague.

10. "Because it is innate for children to imitate" -> "Because children innately imitate"
    Explanation: "Because children innately imitate" is a more direct and formal way to express the idea, avoiding the awkward construction of "it is innate for children to imitate."

11. "Thanks to those efforts" -> "As a result of these efforts"
    Explanation: "As a result of these efforts" is a more formal and precise way to indicate causality, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

12. "could occasion certain positive" -> "may yield positive outcomes"
    Explanation: "May yield positive outcomes" is more specific and formal, replacing the vague and informal "could occasion certain positive."

13. "Children’s physiques are built" -> "Children’s physical development is influenced"
    Explanation: "Children’s physical development is influenced" is a more accurate and formal way to describe the impact of family factors on children’s physical characteristics, avoiding the misleading and imprecise "are built."

14. "they would be more likely to consume healthy foods and do exercises" -> "they are more likely to adopt healthy dietary habits and engage in regular exercise"
    Explanation: "Adopt healthy dietary habits and engage in regular exercise" is a more precise and formal way to describe the behaviors influenced by family lifestyle, improving the academic tone of the sentence.

15. "it not only reflect children’s characteristics but it also affect directly their success" -> "it not only reflects children’s characteristics but also directly affects their success"
    Explanation: Correcting the grammatical errors and using "affects" instead of "affect" fixes the verb agreement and enhances the formal tone of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both perspectives of the prompt regarding the influence of family background versus learning environment on children’s success. It discusses each viewpoint in separate paragraphs and concludes with a personal opinion.
  • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, ensure that each perspective is balanced in depth and supported equally. Provide specific examples or studies that illustrate the impact of each factor on children’s success.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that both family background and learning environment contribute significantly to children’s success. This stance is consistently upheld throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: Strengthen clarity by explicitly linking examples and arguments back to the main thesis statement. Ensure that the personal opinion is integrated seamlessly into the concluding remarks.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented with clarity and supported adequately. Each paragraph introduces a new supporting point and elaborates with relevant examples (e.g., language development, social skills, physical traits).
  • How to improve: To extend ideas further, consider providing deeper analysis or contrasting viewpoints within each supporting argument. Use more varied and specific examples to illustrate the points made.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, focusing on the role of family background and learning environment in children’s success. However, there are instances where the discussion slightly deviates into broader aspects of education.
  • How to improve: Maintain strict adherence to the topic by consistently linking arguments and examples back to the influence of family background and learning environment specifically. Avoid tangential discussions that do not directly support the main arguments.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and demonstrates a thorough understanding of the topic, improvements in balancing depth of analysis across perspectives and maintaining strict relevance to the prompt would further enhance clarity and coherence. The writer’s personal opinion is well-integrated but could benefit from stronger connections to earlier arguments. Overall, this essay demonstrates strong potential and insight into the factors influencing children’s success, warranting a Band Score of 8 for Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of organization. It begins with an introduction that outlines the two opposing views and the author’s stance, followed by two body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint in turn. Each viewpoint is supported with examples and explanations, leading to a clear conclusion.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on the main idea. Improve transitions between ideas and paragraphs to create a smoother progression of thought.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different points and arguments. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples.
  • How to improve: Encourage more variety in paragraph length to avoid overly long paragraphs, especially in the second body paragraph. Ensure each paragraph is tightly focused on a single main idea or argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices such as linking words ("however", "on the one hand", "on the other hand") are used adequately to connect ideas within and between sentences. There is a reasonable attempt to maintain coherence through these devices.
  • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used (e.g., moreover, furthermore, in contrast) to provide more nuanced connections between ideas. Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to strengthen coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, but there is room for improvement in enhancing the logical organization, paragraph structure, and diversification of cohesive devices. These improvements can help elevate the essay to a higher band score level.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There are attempts to use varied vocabulary throughout, such as "innate," "autonomy," "crucial," and "extrinsic factors," though some phrases are repetitively used (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand"). However, more complex and precise vocabulary could enhance the lexical richness and sophistication of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve, aim to incorporate more diverse synonyms and expressions where appropriate. For instance, instead of repeating "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," consider using "conversely" or "alternatively" to vary sentence structures and enhance coherence.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: Vocabulary is used adequately to convey ideas, but there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, "reflect" might be better replaced with "shape" or "influence" in the context of how family background impacts children’s characteristics and success. Conversely, "innate" is well-chosen to describe children’s natural inclination to imitate language.
  • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey intended meanings. Review each instance where a word is used and consider if a more exact synonym or related term would better fit the context and convey the intended nuance.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate throughout the essay, with only minor errors observed ("belived" instead of "believed"). These errors do not significantly detract from the overall clarity of the writing.
  • How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, proofreading carefully and using spell-check tools can help catch minor errors like the one noted. Additionally, reviewing commonly misspelled words can reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of vocabulary usage and structure appropriate for an IELTS Band 6 level. To achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource, continue to expand your vocabulary range, focus on precision in word choice, and maintain consistent accuracy in spelling. These improvements will further enhance the clarity, coherence, and sophistication of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable attempt at using varied sentence structures. It includes simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, simple sentences like "It is said that the background of the family is the major element for children’s success" coexist with more complex structures such as "Because it is innate for children to imitate the way that adults around them speak, parents can help their children enhance both non-verbal and verbal languages through talking to them on a daily basis."
  • How to improve: To further enhance variety, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures that integrate subordination and coordination more seamlessly. This could involve using relative clauses, participial phrases, and varying sentence lengths for improved fluency and coherence. Additionally, ensure that each structure used contributes directly to clarity and coherence.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a fairly good level of grammatical accuracy. There are instances of effective use of verb tenses ("plays a crucial role," "could be highly influenced"), correct subject-verb agreement, and appropriate use of articles and prepositions. However, there are occasional errors, such as inconsistencies in verb tense (e.g., switching between present and past tense within the same paragraph) and minor punctuation errors (e.g., missing commas in lists).
  • How to improve: Focus on maintaining consistent verb tense throughout each paragraph to avoid confusion. Carefully review the use of commas to ensure clarity and proper structuring of ideas. Proofreading the essay thoroughly can help identify and correct such errors, ensuring a smoother flow and enhancing readability.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical structures and punctuation, continued practice in varying sentence structures and ensuring consistent grammatical accuracy will further elevate the clarity and sophistication of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is commonly believed that a crucial factor in children’s success is their family background, while others argue that the learning environment plays a more significant role in their outstanding achievement. This essay will discuss both viewpoints before presenting my own opinion.

On the one hand, some individuals believe that the learning environment is crucial for children’s success. One reason for this is that schools have the primary responsibility of imparting academic education to students. For instance, the mandatory subjects taught in schools provide students with fundamental knowledge about the world, which can facilitate their higher education and future careers. Another factor is that schools are essential for children’s social development, offering opportunities to socialize and practice empathy, compassion, and kindness. Positive relationships within the school community, such as those with teachers and peers, broaden students’ learning experiences. Feeling safe and included is crucial for emotional development in adolescents. Moreover, achieving high academic grades alone is not sufficient for a successful life; it is crucial that students develop effective communication skills to articulate their thoughts and ideas effectively across various life domains, including their professional careers.

On the other hand, family background is considered by many to be the key factor in children’s success. Firstly, families play a critical role in nurturing children’s language skills. Children naturally imitate the language patterns of adults around them, and parents can enhance their verbal and non-verbal communication skills through daily interactions, explaining complex words, or encouraging them to communicate more. Such efforts contribute significantly to children’s natural language development. Secondly, children’s inherent traits, shaped by their families, influence how they respond to external influences. For instance, some families boost children’s confidence through praise, while others cultivate their independence through strict discipline, both of which can yield positive outcomes. Lastly, children’s physical development is influenced by their family’s physical traits and lifestyle choices. Children often inherit physical characteristics like height and body type from their parents, and those raised in families that prioritize healthy and active lifestyles are more likely to adopt similar habits, maintaining robust physical health.

In conclusion, while both family background and the learning environment play significant roles in children’s success, I believe that family background remains the major factor. This is because it not only reflects children’s characteristics but also directly affects their success in various aspects of life. Therefore, both aspects are important, but the foundation laid by the family environment plays a pivotal role in shaping a child’s future achievements.