Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children.
Do you agree or disagree?
The obesity rates in children have increased substantially in recent years, for which some individuals argue that governments should take responsibility. However, from my perspective, I totally disagree with this pointview, as I believe that this trend is happening due to the changes in lifestyle of younger generation, along with irresponsibility of their parents.
First and foremost, engaging endentary lifestyle is the main reason that causes many teenagers become overweight. In this kind of lifestyle, instead of having a balanced diet, young people tend to eat more fast foods, which contain a high proportion of fat and sugar contributing in weight gain. Moreover, those people usually spend more time sitting infront of computer to play in video games, or engage in social networks rather than taking part in physical activities, which is necessary to burn energy and keep fit. Therefore, they rapidly lose control in their weight and become obese.
Furthermore, irresponsibility of many parents is another reason aggravating this serious social problem. As adults are getting more busier with their work, they pay less attention to the devlopment of their kids. As a result, without restriction from their parents, children are easily induced into negative behaviors, including bad eating habits and insufficient social activities, which as mentioned before, cause weight problems to teenagers.
In conclusion, it is illogical when blaming goverments for the growth in obesity in young people, because I assume that this widespread issue is mainly caused by the sedentary lifetyle that is popular to children and inappropriate attention from their families.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"for which some individuals argue" -> "for which some individuals contend"
Explanation: Replacing "argue" with "contend" adds a more formal tone to the sentence, aligning with academic style.
"pointview" -> "point of view"
Explanation: "pointview" is not a standard term; replacing it with "point of view" enhances clarity and maintains formality.
"totally disagree" -> "strongly disagree"
Explanation: The term "totally" is informal; using "strongly" provides a more emphatic and formal expression of disagreement.
"endentary lifestyle" -> "sedentary lifestyle"
Explanation: "endentary" is a misspelling; the correct term is "sedentary," which is more precise and academically appropriate.
"In this kind of lifestyle" -> "Within this lifestyle"
Explanation: "In this kind of lifestyle" is somewhat informal; using "Within this lifestyle" adds formality and clarity.
"young people tend to eat more fast foods" -> "young people tend to consume more fast food"
Explanation: Replacing "eat" with "consume" and changing "foods" to "food" improves precision and formality.
"infront of computer" -> "in front of a computer"
Explanation: "infront" is incorrect; separating it into "in front" improves grammatical accuracy.
"play in video games" -> "engage in video games"
Explanation: Using "engage in" instead of "play in" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"they rapidly lose control in their weight" -> "they rapidly lose control of their weight"
Explanation: Correcting "in their weight" to "of their weight" ensures grammatical accuracy.
"devlopment" -> "development"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error "devlopment" to "development" ensures proper usage.
"bad eating habits" -> "unhealthy eating habits"
Explanation: Replacing "bad" with "unhealthy" is more precise and suitable for formal writing.
"getting more busier" -> "becoming busier"
Explanation: "getting more busier" is redundant; using "becoming busier" maintains formality and conciseness.
"cause weight problems to teenagers" -> "contribute to weight issues in teenagers"
Explanation: Changing "cause" to "contribute to" and "weight problems" to "weight issues" enhances precision and academic tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the impact of sedentary lifestyles and parental irresponsibility on the rise of obesity in children. The mention of lifestyle changes and parental neglect effectively covers the key aspects of the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider providing a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint within the essay, perhaps in a dedicated paragraph. This can demonstrate a deeper understanding of the complexity of the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, consistently disagreeing with the notion that the government is solely responsible for the rise in childhood obesity. This stance is evident from the thesis statement and is consistently reinforced in subsequent paragraphs.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, consider refining the thesis statement for greater precision and incorporating it into the introduction. This can provide a more focused roadmap for the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are generally clear, but there is room for improvement in the development and support of these ideas. For instance, the link between sedentary lifestyles and obesity is well-explained, but the connection between parental irresponsibility and its consequences could be elaborated further with specific examples.
- How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, extend your discussions with more detailed examples, evidence, or anecdotes. This can provide a richer understanding of the factors contributing to childhood obesity.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, focusing on lifestyle changes and parental neglect as primary factors contributing to childhood obesity. However, there are instances where the discussion becomes slightly broad, such as the mention of societal issues as "serious social problems."
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central theme of childhood obesity. Avoid introducing tangential topics that might distract from the main argument.
In summary, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position, there is room for improvement in developing and supporting ideas with more specific examples. Additionally, maintaining a laser focus on the central theme can further enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a logical organization. It opens with a clear thesis statement expressing disagreement with the idea that governments are responsible for rising childhood obesity. The main points are presented in a reasonable order, with the discussion of sedentary lifestyle and parental irresponsibility supporting the thesis.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs. For instance, use transition phrases to guide the reader from one point to the next more smoothly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea to avoid potential confusion.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, but some could be more effectively structured. The first paragraph, for example, includes both the thesis statement and a brief overview of the reasons, making it somewhat crowded. Consider separating the thesis statement and providing a more focused introduction.
- How to improve: Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. This helps the reader navigate the essay more easily. Also, ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus on a specific aspect of the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices, such as transition words and pronouns, contributing to overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of these devices. More diverse and strategic use of cohesive devices can enhance the essay’s overall coherence.
- How to improve: Experiment with a wider range of cohesive devices, including synonyms, parallel structure, and varied sentence structures. This can create a more engaging and cohesive narrative. Additionally, ensure that the chosen cohesive devices effectively link ideas, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining the organization, paragraph structure, and expanding the use of cohesive devices can contribute to a more polished and seamlessly connected piece of writing.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to express ideas with varied words, but there’s room for improvement. For instance, terms like "pointview" should be corrected to "point of view," and some repetition of phrases, such as "sedentary lifestyle," could be diversified for a richer lexical range.
- How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary range, consider exploring synonyms and alternative expressions. Also, be cautious about using correct phrases and expressions to avoid errors like "pointview."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is fair, with some areas that could benefit from improvement. For example, the phrase "engaging endentary lifestyle" might be clearer if you use "sedentary lifestyle." Additionally, the term "rapidly lose control in their weight" could be refined for greater precision, perhaps using "lose control of their weight."
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the specific meanings of the words you choose. In some instances, using more precise terms can enhance the clarity of your expression. Review and refine phrases to ensure they accurately convey your intended meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates satisfactory spelling accuracy. However, there are a few errors, such as "endentary" instead of "sedentary" and "devlopment" instead of "development." These minor errors can affect the overall impression of language proficiency.
- How to improve: Practice is key to improving spelling accuracy. Regularly proofread your work and consider using spell-check tools. Be attentive to commonly misspelled words and commit them to memory. This diligence will contribute to a higher level of spelling precision in your writing.
In conclusion, while your essay shows competency in vocabulary use, refining and diversifying your word choices will elevate the overall lexical quality. Additionally, paying closer attention to spelling accuracy will enhance the professionalism of your written expression. Keep practicing and refining your language skills to consistently achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly employs simple sentence structures with occasional complex structures. For example, there is a mix of simple sentences such as "I totally disagree with this pointview" and more complex structures like "Instead of having a balanced diet, young people tend to eat more fast foods, which contain a high proportion of fat and sugar contributing in weight gain." However, there is limited use of compound or compound-complex sentences, which could enhance the overall variety and complexity of sentence structures.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound or compound-complex sentences. This can be achieved by connecting related ideas with coordinating or subordinating conjunctions. For instance, you can combine simple sentences to form compound sentences or add subordinate clauses to provide additional information and depth.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "engaging endentary lifestyle is the main reason that causes many teenagers become overweight." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, like missing commas in lists and inconsistent use of capitalization, such as "As adults are getting more busier with their work."
- How to improve: Focus on improving subject-verb agreement by ensuring that the verb aligns with the correct subject in both number and tense. Proofread the essay carefully to identify and rectify punctuation errors, ensuring proper comma usage in lists and consistent capitalization. Consider seeking assistance from writing resources or grammar guides to reinforce proper grammar and punctuation rules.
Overall, while the essay effectively communicates the main ideas, enhancing sentence variety and addressing grammatical and punctuation errors would contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
The prevalence of obesity among children has witnessed a significant surge in recent times, leading some individuals to contend that governments bear responsibility for this phenomenon. However, I strongly disagree with this point of view. In my perspective, the escalating trend in childhood obesity can be attributed to changes in the lifestyle of the younger generation and the negligence of their parents.
To begin with, the adoption of a sedentary lifestyle is a primary factor contributing to the increasing weight of many teenagers. Within this lifestyle, rather than maintaining a balanced diet, young people often opt for the consumption of fast foods, which are high in fat and sugar, consequently contributing to weight gain. Additionally, these individuals frequently spend extended periods in front of a computer, engrossed in video games or social networks, instead of engaging in physical activities essential for burning energy and staying fit. Consequently, they swiftly lose control of their weight, leading to obesity.
Moreover, the irresponsibility of many parents exacerbates this significant social problem. As adults become busier with work, they tend to devote less attention to the development of their children. Consequently, without proper guidance from their parents, children easily succumb to negative behaviors, including unhealthy eating habits and insufficient participation in social activities, both of which contribute to weight issues in teenagers.
In conclusion, it is unfounded to attribute the growth in obesity among young people solely to governments. I strongly believe that this widespread issue primarily stems from the sedentary lifestyle embraced by children and the inadequate attention from their families.