Some people think that in modern society individuals are becoming more dependent on each other, while others say that individuals are becoming more independent of each other.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In a contemporary epoch, there has been a debate regarding whether modern individuals are increasingly relying on other people or moving towards greater independence. In this essay, I will elaborate on both aspects of this issue and explain why I affirm that in modern society, people are becoming more self-reliant.
On the one hand, there are various reasons why some people assume that modern humans are more likely to be reliant on others. According to Malow's hierarchy of needs, belonging, and social connection are one of the most crucial demands of people. This leads to a sense of fear when modern people are different or isolated from others. As a result, some people in modern life decide to depend on each other for opinions to actions instead of on their views, which can result in the thriving bandwagon effect and the loss of personal identity. In addition, the mutual dependence of modern individuals is also derived from interconnected trends, which requires not only a strong bond between global citizens but also the connection of countries. Thanks to this, numerous global issues are addressed by a unified response, in which each country achieves its benefits based on economics and politics.
On the other hand, I believe that a variety of aspects can be used to affirm a greater self-reliant trend in modern society. The fourth industrial revolution creates an outstanding development of technology with the appearance of various cutting-edge automatic equipment. Consequently, many occupations decrease the dependence on humans, while individuals do not need to rely on others during using digital devices. For instance, the automatic process in agriculture production helps farmers to reduce reliance on many people with distinct steps for one process, which can improve the productivity and quality of products. Moreover, the more modern the society is, the more competitive the individuals are. This requires people to be independent, including independent thinking and proactivity in actions, which are some of the principal personalities of current days.
In conclusion, this essay elaborated on both sides of the dependence and independence of individuals in the contemporary world. I reaffirm my opinion that humans in modern society are increasingly independent.

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Errors and Improvements:

"In a contemporary epoch" -> "In contemporary times"
Explanation: "Contemporary epoch" is somewhat redundant and overly formal. "Contemporary times" is a simpler and more direct phrase that retains the intended meaning.
"affirm" -> "assert"
Explanation: While "affirm" is not incorrect, "assert" is a more precise and academically appropriate term in this context, conveying a stronger sense of conviction in the argument.
"some people assume that" -> "some argue that"
Explanation: "Assume" suggests a more passive acceptance of a belief, while "argue" implies a more active engagement in presenting a viewpoint, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"opinions to actions" -> "opinions over actions"
Explanation: "Opinions to actions" is an awkward phrase. "Opinions over actions" is clearer and more grammatically correct, conveying the idea of prioritizing opinions above actions.
"thriving bandwagon effect" -> "widespread bandwagon effect"
Explanation: "Thriving" is somewhat informal in this context. "Widespread" maintains the meaning while being more academically appropriate.
"In addition" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "In addition" is a common transition phrase but "Furthermore" adds variety and sophistication to the language.
"affirm a greater self-reliant trend" -> "assert a growing trend towards self-reliance"
Explanation: "Affirm a greater self-reliant trend" is wordy and lacks precision. "Assert a growing trend towards self-reliance" is more concise and clearer in conveying the intended meaning.
"outstanding development" -> "remarkable advancement"
Explanation: "Outstanding development" is slightly informal. "Remarkable advancement" is a more formal and precise term in academic writing.
"Consequently" -> "As a result"
Explanation: "Consequently" is somewhat formal and can be replaced with the clearer and more straightforward "As a result" in this context.
"proactivity in actions" -> "proactive behavior"
Explanation: "Proactivity in actions" is redundant. "Proactive behavior" is more concise and directly conveys the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing arguments for both increasing dependence and increasing independence in modern society. It explores the reasons behind each perspective and offers a clear opinion.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing more nuanced analysis of the counterarguments and potential rebuttals to strengthen the overall argumentation.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that individuals in modern society are becoming more self-reliant. This stance is consistently reinforced and supported with relevant examples.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph directly supports the chosen position, and use transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argumentative flow.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas with clear topic sentences and supports them with relevant examples and explanations. For instance, it discusses Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and the impact of the fourth industrial revolution on independence.
- How to improve: To extend ideas further, consider incorporating additional real-world examples, statistics, or expert opinions to provide depth and credibility to the arguments presented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the relationship between dependence and independence in modern society. However, there are moments where the connection to the topic could be strengthened, such as the discussion on global interconnectedness.
- How to improve: Ensure that each example or point made directly relates back to the central theme of dependence and independence, avoiding tangents or unnecessary elaboration that may distract from the main argument.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both views and offering a clear opinion supported by relevant examples. To further improve, focus on enhancing the depth of analysis, maintaining clarity and consistency in presenting the chosen position, and ensuring that all examples directly contribute to the central argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction that sets up the discussion of both sides of the argument. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect supporting either dependence or independence, providing coherent arguments and examples. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the writer’s opinion.
- How to improve: While the essay maintains logical organization overall, there could be further improvement in transitioning between paragraphs to enhance the smooth flow of ideas. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas more seamlessly, ensuring a smoother progression of thought throughout the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to structure the discussion, with each paragraph dedicated to a distinct point or argument. Topic sentences introduce the main idea of each paragraph, followed by supporting details and examples that reinforce the argument. This organization enhances clarity and readability.
- How to improve: To further enhance paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph maintains a unified focus on a single aspect of the topic. Additionally, consider varying sentence structures within paragraphs to create more dynamic and engaging prose.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Examples include transitional phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In addition"), pronouns for referencing (e.g., "This leads to," "For instance"), and parallel structure (e.g., "belonging, and social connection"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices, there is room for diversification and refinement. Consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions (e.g., "however," "therefore," "furthermore") and adverbial phrases (e.g., "as a result," "in contrast"), to vary sentence structures and enhance coherence. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transitions between ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of coherence and cohesion, effectively organizing information, utilizing paragraphs, and employing a range of cohesive devices to connect ideas. To improve further, focus on enhancing transitional elements between paragraphs and diversifying cohesive devices for a more nuanced and polished argumentative structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "contemporary epoch," "self-reliant," "bandwagon effect," "interconnected trends," and "fourth industrial revolution." These lexical choices contribute to a sophisticated discussion of the topic.
- How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, consider integrating more varied synonyms and expressions to avoid repetition and add depth to the discussion. For example, instead of repeatedly using "modern society," alternatives like "contemporary culture," "current civilization," or "present-day populace" could diversify the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying ideas and arguments. For instance, the phrase "fourth industrial revolution" accurately captures the concept of technological advancement and its impact on society. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the term "outstanding development of technology" could be refined to specify the particular advancements or innovations within the fourth industrial revolution.
- How to improve: Aim for greater specificity in vocabulary selection by opting for terms that precisely convey intended meanings. Utilize domain-specific terminology or descriptive language to provide clarity and depth to the discussion. For instance, instead of "outstanding development of technology," consider phrases like "rapid advancements in automation" or "proliferation of cutting-edge digital tools."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with minimal errors observed. However, there are a few instances of misspellings and typographical errors, such as "Malow’s" instead of "Maslow’s" and "different" instead of "differentiate." While these errors do not significantly detract from comprehension, they indicate areas for improvement in spelling precision.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing proofreading techniques such as spell-checking tools and thorough manual review. Additionally, practicing spelling of commonly misspelled words and reinforcing correct spelling through reading can help solidify spelling skills. Paying close attention to details during the writing process and consulting reliable resources for unfamiliar words can also mitigate spelling errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures

Detailed explanation: The essay displays a commendable variety of sentence structures which contributes to its overall coherence and fluidity. The author utilizes complex structures, including conditional phrases and relative clauses, enhancing the essay’s formal tone and depth of analysis. For instance, the use of subordinate clauses as seen in "According to Malow’s hierarchy of needs, belonging, and social connection are one of the most crucial demands of people" illustrates an ability to layer information effectively. However, the variety, while sufficient for a band 7, does occasionally falter with some repetitiveness in structure and a slight overreliance on simpler constructions in parts of the analysis.
How to improve: To elevate the grammatical range further towards a band 8 or 9, the writer could integrate more varied and complex structures such as inversion, participle clauses, and more nuanced conditional forms. Experimenting with these structures can add sophistication and vary the rhythm of the writing. Practicing sentence transformations that turn simple sentences into complex ones without altering the meaning would also be beneficial.

Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a high level of grammatical control with occasional errors that do not impede comprehension. The accuracy of punctuation, including the use of commas in compound and complex sentences, generally supports the clarity of the text. However, there are minor slips in grammar and punctuation that occasionally disrupt the flow, such as the misuse of plural forms ("Malow’s hierarchy of needs, belonging, and social connection are one of the most crucial demands") and article usage ("the automatic process in agriculture production"). These issues are minor but critical for reaching a higher band.
How to improve: Focusing on reviewing and applying rules of article usage and subject-verb agreement meticulously can help in minimizing these errors. It would be beneficial for the writer to engage in exercises that focus on spotting and correcting grammatical errors in written texts. Additionally, reading extensively and revising different grammatical structures in context can solidify understanding and usage. Regular feedback from proficient English users or teachers could provide practical insights into improving grammatical accuracy.

Overall, the essay is well-composed with a strong command of English appropriate for a band 7. The advice given aims to refine the writer’s grammatical range and accuracy further, pushing towards an even higher proficiency level.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, there is an ongoing debate about whether individuals are increasingly reliant on each other or are moving towards greater independence. In this essay, I will discuss both perspectives and explain why I believe that people are becoming more self-reliant in modern society.

On one hand, some argue that modern individuals are more likely to depend on others for opinions and actions. According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, belonging and social connection are crucial for people. This can lead to a fear of being different or isolated from others. Consequently, some individuals in modern life choose to rely on others instead of forming their own opinions, leading to a widespread bandwagon effect and a loss of personal identity. Additionally, the interconnected nature of modern trends fosters mutual dependence among individuals, necessitating strong bonds not only between global citizens but also between countries. This interconnectedness facilitates a unified response to global issues, benefiting each country economically and politically.

On the other hand, I assert that there are several factors indicating a growing trend towards self-reliance in modern society. The remarkable advancement of technology in the fourth industrial revolution has led to the development of various cutting-edge automatic equipment. This has reduced the dependence on human labor in many occupations, as individuals no longer need to rely on others when using digital devices. For example, automated processes in agricultural production enable farmers to reduce reliance on multiple individuals for different steps, thereby improving productivity and product quality. Moreover, in today’s highly competitive society, individuals are encouraged to be independent, including in their thinking and proactive behavior, which are essential characteristics of modern times.

In conclusion, this essay has discussed both sides of the debate regarding the dependence and independence of individuals in the contemporary world. Despite the arguments for increased interdependence, I maintain that humans in modern society are increasingly independent.