Some people think that in modern society, individuals are becoming more dependent on each other, while others say that individuals are becoming more independent of each other. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that in modern society, individuals are becoming more dependent on each other, while others say that individuals are becoming more independent of each other.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays in an innovative era, there are some who believe that people are relying more and more on other while others think otherwise, saying people are becoming less dependent on one another. While I can see the reasons for the former statement I also can not ignore the view of the latter statement. So today I want to talk about both perspectives.

The first view regarding the belief of community growing stronger among individuals. To put it simply humans, as a species, always have a sense of community, even dating back as far as the Stone age when togetherness is the key for survival. To be humans is to have connection among groups of society, we can sympathize to one another, care for each other and improve lives on a larger scale than any normal citizen can do. As an old saying goes: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together", I believe that quote still holds true to this day

On the other hand, a belief in which individualism is becomming more apperant within society also has truth in it. For instance, the Asia culture has always valued the bond in community over individualism, but in recent years, it has seen some new mindsets learnt from the Western culture in the Eastern one, where individuals are encouraged to engage in heathy among peers. This mindset trains them to think and work indepentdarly. Thus, improves one problem solving ability, strengthen one mind by relying less to others and come up with new ideas and strive for greatness. There has been countless achievments hightlighting the sucess of one indidual in multiple areas of esperrises, so having this mindset among the community is also a good thing.

In conclusion, in my opinion, the debate whether individuals are becoming more or less reliant on each other not necessarily needed. There will always be a bit of both sides and our job is to find the balance between the two for an ideal civilization.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays in an innovative era" -> "In the contemporary era of innovation"
Explanation: The phrase "Nowadays in an innovative era" is redundant and awkwardly structured. "In the contemporary era of innovation" is more concise and academically appropriate, enhancing the formal tone of the essay.
"there are some who believe" -> "some believe"
Explanation: The phrase "there are some who believe" is verbose and can be simplified to "some believe" for a more direct and formal expression.
"while others think otherwise" -> "while others argue otherwise"
Explanation: "Think otherwise" is somewhat informal and vague. "Argue otherwise" is more precise and suitable for academic discourse, indicating a more formal debate.
"I also can not ignore" -> "I also cannot ignore"
Explanation: "Can not" is a less formal contraction; "cannot" is the correct form for formal writing.
"So today I want to talk about" -> "I will discuss"
Explanation: "So today I want to talk about" is conversational and informal. "I will discuss" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.
"humans, as a species, always have a sense of community" -> "humans, as a species, inherently possess a sense of community"
Explanation: "Always have a sense of community" is too absolute and informal. "Inherently possess a sense of community" is more precise and formal, suggesting a natural inclination towards community.
"even dating back as far as the Stone age" -> "even dating back to the Stone Age"
Explanation: "Stone age" should be capitalized as it refers to a specific historical period, enhancing the formality and accuracy of the statement.
"To be humans is to have connection among groups of society" -> "To be human is to form connections within societal groups"
Explanation: "To be humans" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "To be human" is grammatically correct and more formal. Additionally, "form connections within societal groups" is more precise than "have connection among groups of society."
"we can sympathize to one another" -> "we can sympathize with one another"
Explanation: "Sympathize to" is incorrect; "sympathize with" is the correct preposition for expressing empathy towards others.
"improve lives on a larger scale than any normal citizen can do" -> "enhance lives on a larger scale than individual citizens can achieve"
Explanation: "Improve" is somewhat vague; "enhance" is more specific and formal. "Individual citizens" is more precise than "any normal citizen," which is informal and imprecise.
"As an old saying goes" -> "As the adage goes"
Explanation: "As an old saying goes" is informal and vague. "As the adage goes" is more formal and precise, suitable for academic writing.
"becomming" -> "becoming"
Explanation: "Becomming" is a typographical error; "becoming" is the correct spelling.
"apperant" -> "apparent"
Explanation: "Apperant" is a typographical error; "apparent" is the correct spelling.
"engage in heathy among peers" -> "engage in healthy interactions with peers"
Explanation: "Heathy" is a typographical error; "healthy" is the correct spelling. Also, "interactions" is more specific than "among peers," which is vague and informal.
"indepentdarly" -> "independently"
Explanation: "Indepentdarly" is a typographical error; "independently" is the correct spelling.
"strengthen one mind by relying less to others" -> "strengthen one’s mind by relying less on others"
Explanation: "One mind" is grammatically incorrect; "one’s mind" is the correct possessive form. Also, "relying less to others" is incorrect; "relying less on others" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"come up with new ideas and strive for greatness" -> "develop new ideas and strive for excellence"
Explanation: "Come up with" is informal; "develop" is more formal and precise. "Greatness" is vague; "excellence" is more specific and academically appropriate.
"There will always be a bit of both sides" -> "There will always be elements of both perspectives"
Explanation: "A bit of both sides" is informal and vague. "Elements of both perspectives" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic tone better.
"not necessarily needed" -> "not necessarily necessary"
Explanation: "Needed" is incorrect in this context; "necessary" is the correct form for indicating the need or requirement of something.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views regarding dependence and independence in modern society. The first paragraph discusses the perspective that individuals are becoming more dependent on each other, citing historical context and the importance of community. The second paragraph presents the opposing view, highlighting the rise of individualism influenced by Western culture. However, while both views are mentioned, the discussion lacks depth and specific examples that would strengthen the argument. The conclusion does not clearly summarize the discussion or provide a strong personal opinion, which is a crucial part of the task.
- How to improve: To enhance the response to all parts of the question, the writer should provide more detailed examples and evidence for each viewpoint. Additionally, the conclusion should explicitly state the writer’s opinion on the matter, summarizing the key points made in the essay.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat unclear position. While the writer acknowledges both perspectives, the opinion expressed in the conclusion is vague and does not clearly align with either viewpoint. Phrases like "I can see the reasons for the former statement" and "I also cannot ignore the view of the latter statement" suggest ambivalence rather than a clear stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Using phrases that indicate a strong preference for one side or the other, or suggesting a nuanced view with clear reasoning, would help clarify the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both dependence and independence but does not extend or support them effectively. For example, the discussion of community reliance is somewhat general and lacks specific contemporary examples that could illustrate the point. Similarly, the mention of individualism in Asian culture is interesting but could be expanded with more context or examples of how this shift manifests in society.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should include specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes that illustrate the points being made. Additionally, elaborating on how these ideas impact society today would provide more depth to the discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the themes of dependence and independence. However, there are moments where the argument becomes slightly muddled, particularly in the second paragraph where the transition between discussing cultural influences and individualism could be clearer. The phrase "thus, improves one problem-solving ability" feels disconnected from the preceding sentences.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the prompt. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help clarify how each point relates to the overall argument, ensuring that the essay remains cohesive and on topic throughout.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents both views, it requires more depth, clarity, and specific examples to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents two contrasting views regarding dependence and independence in modern society. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, clearly stating that both perspectives will be explored. However, the organization within the body paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing community reliance to individualism is somewhat abrupt. The first paragraph discusses the strength of community ties, but the connection to the second paragraph discussing individualism lacks a smooth transition, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument’s progression.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences that explicitly connect the two ideas. For example, after discussing the community aspect, a sentence like "Conversely, there is a growing sentiment that individualism is becoming more prominent in society" could serve as a clearer transition. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea will help guide the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the structure within each paragraph could be more effective. The first body paragraph lacks a clear topic sentence, and the ideas presented could be better organized. The second paragraph, while it discusses individualism, also suffers from a lack of clarity and coherence, as it jumps between ideas without sufficient linking.
- How to improve: Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For instance, the first body paragraph could begin with "Many believe that modern society fosters a stronger sense of community among individuals." This would provide a clear focus for the paragraph. Additionally, ensure that supporting sentences within each paragraph logically follow from the topic sentence, maintaining a clear line of reasoning throughout.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the other hand" and "for instance," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is limited, and some transitions are not effectively utilized. For example, the phrase "To put it simply" is somewhat informal and does not contribute to the academic tone of the essay. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied to enhance the overall flow.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in contrast," "consequently," and "as a result." This will help to create a more sophisticated and fluid connection between ideas. Additionally, ensure that the cohesive devices used are appropriate for the context; for example, replacing informal phrases with more formal alternatives can improve the essay’s overall tone.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a better overall score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective phrases such as "sense of community," "survival," and "problem-solving ability." However, there are instances where vocabulary usage is limited or repetitive, such as the repeated use of "individuals" and "community." Additionally, phrases like "growing stronger" and "new ideas" could be varied to enhance the richness of the language.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "individuals," alternatives like "people," "persons," or "members of society" could be used. Similarly, varying expressions for "community" could include "society," "group," or "collective." Engaging with more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "interdependence" or "autonomy," would also enhance the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the belief of community growing stronger" which could be more clearly articulated as "the belief that community bonds are strengthening." Additionally, the phrase "individualism is becomming more apperant" contains spelling errors and lacks clarity in its expression. The use of "heathy" instead of "healthy" detracts from the overall precision.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in word choice. Proofreading for spelling errors is essential, as these can undermine the credibility of the argument. Furthermore, using phrases that clearly convey the intended meaning will improve precision. For instance, instead of "the bond in community," the writer could say "the importance of communal bonds."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "becomming" (becoming), "apperant" (apparent), "indeptdarly" (independently), "achievments" (achievements), "sucess" (success), and "esperrises" (expertise). These errors detract from the overall readability and professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a practice of proofreading their work before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can aid in improving spelling skills. Engaging in vocabulary exercises that focus on spelling can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and presents both sides of the argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to elevate the Lexical Resource score. Focusing on these areas will lead to a more polished and effective essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("To be humans is to have connection among groups of society") and compound sentences ("While I can see the reasons for the former statement I also can not ignore the view of the latter statement"). However, the range is limited, and many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed. For instance, phrases like "the belief of community growing stronger among individuals" could be rephrased for clarity and fluency. Additionally, the use of complex structures is minimal, which restricts the overall effectiveness and sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences, such as those that use subordinate clauses or varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying "the belief of community growing stronger among individuals," one could say, "the belief that the community is becoming increasingly interconnected among individuals." Engaging with more varied sentence types, such as conditional or relative clauses, will also contribute to a more dynamic writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, "people are relying more and more on other" should be "people are relying more and more on others." Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage, such as "the Asia culture" instead of "Asian culture," and "becomming" which should be "becoming." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and inconsistent use of quotation marks, also appear throughout the essay, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on reviewing basic grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises and proofreading for common errors can help. For punctuation, the writer should familiarize themselves with the rules governing commas, especially in compound sentences, and ensure that quotation marks are used correctly. Reading more academic texts can also provide examples of proper punctuation and grammar in context, aiding in the development of these skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents both views, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Engaging in targeted practice and seeking feedback on specific grammatical structures will be beneficial for the writer’s development.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, in an innovative era, there are some who believe that people are relying more and more on each other, while others think otherwise, saying people are becoming less dependent on one another. While I can see the reasons for the former statement, I also cannot ignore the view of the latter statement. So today, I will discuss both perspectives.

The first view supports the belief that community is growing stronger among individuals. To put it simply, humans, as a species, inherently possess a sense of community, even dating back as far as the Stone Age when togetherness was key for survival. To be human is to form connections within societal groups; we can sympathize with one another, care for each other, and enhance lives on a larger scale than any normal citizen can achieve. As the adage goes: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” I believe that quote still holds true to this day.

On the other hand, the belief that individualism is becoming more apparent within society also has truth in it. For instance, Asian culture has always valued the bond in community over individualism, but in recent years, it has seen some new mindsets learned from Western culture in the East, where individuals are encouraged to engage in healthy interactions with peers. This mindset trains them to think and work independently. Thus, it improves one’s problem-solving ability, strengthens one’s mind by relying less on others, and helps them develop new ideas and strive for excellence. There have been countless achievements highlighting the success of individuals in multiple areas of expertise, so having this mindset within the community is also a good thing.

In conclusion, in my opinion, the debate about whether individuals are becoming more or less reliant on each other is not necessarily necessary. There will always be elements of both perspectives, and our job is to find the balance between the two for an ideal civilization.