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Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people are of the opinion that people are more or less dependent on others nowadays . Although both schools of thought offer merit , I agree with those who believe that modern life forces us to be more independent than people were in the past .

On the one hand , there are several compelling reasons that support the claim that we are more dependent on each other now. Firstly , we are living in the era of economic globalization. Additionally, many criteria need to be responded to promote the success of a country and one of those factors is international merchandise trade. Therefore, nowadays many countries rely heavily on each other for trade , resources and technology. For example, many countries depend on others for essential product imports such as oil , energy or food , creating a web of interdependence. As a result , these support each other resulting in strengthening international relations among nations .

On the other hand , I support the view that people are more independent these days. To begin with , in most countries, families are becoming smaller , leading to people not counting on relatives as much as they used to .Consequently, individuals have more freedom to travel and live far away from their hometowns . For example, many students pursue education overseas instead of going to their local university, this makes them more independent as they learn to live alone . Not only that , cutting-edge technology is increasing , causing inhabitants to be more self-reliant . For instance, online platforms allow people to learn new skills , start businesses and work from home without needing to rely on traditional institutions or employers.

In conclusion, while there are some reasons to believe that people now depend on each other more , my own view is that we are more independent than ever .


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Some people are of the opinion that people are more or less dependent on others nowadays" -> "Some individuals believe that people are increasingly dependent on others today"
    Explanation: Replacing "Some people are of the opinion that" with "Some individuals believe" refines the phrasing to a more formal and precise academic tone. "More or less" is vague and informal; "increasingly" provides a clearer and more specific temporal context.

  2. "Although both schools of thought offer merit" -> "Although both perspectives have merit"
    Explanation: "Schools of thought" is a bit informal and less precise in this context. "Perspectives" is more appropriate and formal, aligning better with academic language.

  3. "On the one hand, there are several compelling reasons that support the claim" -> "On the one hand, several compelling reasons support this assertion"
    Explanation: Removing the comma after "hand" corrects a grammatical error. "This assertion" is more formal and precise than "the claim," which is somewhat vague.

  4. "we are living in the era of economic globalization" -> "we reside in an era of economic globalization"
    Explanation: "Reside" is more formal and precise than "living," which is somewhat colloquial for academic writing.

  5. "many criteria need to be responded to promote the success of a country" -> "several factors must be addressed to promote a country’s success"
    Explanation: "Criteria need to be responded to" is awkward and unclear. "Factors must be addressed" is more direct and appropriate for formal writing.

  6. "international merchandise trade" -> "international trade in goods"
    Explanation: "Merchandise trade" is redundant as "trade" already implies goods. "International trade in goods" is more concise and clear.

  7. "many countries rely heavily on each other for trade, resources and technology" -> "many countries heavily rely on each other for trade, resources, and technology"
    Explanation: Adding a comma after "trade" corrects the punctuation error, improving readability and formality.

  8. "essential product imports such as oil, energy or food" -> "essential imports such as oil, energy, and food"
    Explanation: Removing the comma after "oil" corrects the punctuation, and "and" is used instead of "or" to correctly list items in a series.

  9. "these support each other resulting in strengthening international relations among nations" -> "this interdependence strengthens international relations among nations"
    Explanation: "These support each other resulting in" is awkward and unclear. "This interdependence strengthens" is more direct and formal.

  10. "families are becoming smaller" -> "family sizes are decreasing"
    Explanation: "Families are becoming smaller" is vague and informal. "Family sizes are decreasing" is more precise and formal.

  11. "not counting on relatives as much as they used to" -> "relying less on relatives than previously"
    Explanation: "Not counting on" is informal and vague. "Relying less on" is more precise and formal.

  12. "cutting-edge technology is increasing" -> "advancements in technology are increasing"
    Explanation: "Cutting-edge technology is increasing" is awkward and unclear. "Advancements in technology are increasing" is clearer and more formal.

  13. "online platforms allow people to learn new skills, start businesses and work from home" -> "online platforms enable individuals to acquire new skills, establish businesses, and work remotely"
    Explanation: "Allow people to learn" is informal and vague. "Enable individuals to acquire" is more precise and formal, and "establish businesses" is more specific than "start businesses."

  14. "without needing to rely on traditional institutions or employers" -> "without the need to rely on traditional institutions or employers"
    Explanation: "Without needing to rely" is redundant. "Without the need to rely" is more concise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding dependence and independence in modern society. The first body paragraph presents arguments supporting the idea of increased dependence, citing economic globalization and international trade as key factors. The second body paragraph counters this by discussing the rise of individualism and the impact of technology on self-reliance. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit mention of the opposing viewpoint in the conclusion, which currently leans more towards the author’s opinion without summarizing the arguments for dependence adequately.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response to all parts of the question, the writer should ensure that both perspectives are equally represented in the conclusion. A brief summary of the key points made for dependence would provide a more balanced view and reinforce the discussion.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that supports the idea of increased independence in modern life. The writer consistently articulates this viewpoint, particularly in the second body paragraph, where they provide specific examples of how technology and smaller family structures contribute to this independence. However, the transition between discussing both views could be smoother to emphasize the writer’s stance more effectively.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer could use transitional phrases to better connect the discussion of dependence to their own opinion. For instance, explicitly stating how the examples of dependence lead to a counter-argument for independence would strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the writer provides concrete examples of students studying abroad and the role of technology in fostering independence. However, the first body paragraph could benefit from more detailed examples or elaboration on how globalization specifically impacts individual dependence beyond trade.
    • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more specific examples or statistics in the first body paragraph. For instance, discussing how specific countries rely on each other for particular resources could add depth to the argument about dependence.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the themes of dependence and independence as prompted. However, some sentences, particularly in the first body paragraph, could be more directly related to the individual’s experience of dependence rather than focusing solely on international relations.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the individual’s experience of dependence or independence. For example, when discussing economic globalization, the writer could tie it back to how this affects individuals in their daily lives, rather than just presenting it as a broad concept.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By refining the balance of perspectives, enhancing the clarity of transitions, and providing more specific examples, the writer could elevate their score even further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction that outlines the two opposing views and a personal stance. Each paragraph addresses a specific viewpoint, with the first paragraph discussing interdependence and the second focusing on independence. The logical progression from one idea to another is mostly effective, as the arguments are well-developed and supported by relevant examples. However, the transition between the two main points could be more explicit to enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using clearer transition phrases between paragraphs. For instance, explicitly stating "Conversely" at the beginning of the second paragraph would help signal the shift from discussing dependence to independence. Additionally, summarizing the key points at the end of each paragraph could reinforce the logical flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct argument. The introduction and conclusion are also clearly defined, which aids in the overall structure. However, the second paragraph could benefit from more internal structure, as the points made about independence could be broken down into smaller sections for better clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, consider breaking the second paragraph into two smaller paragraphs: one focusing on the impact of smaller family units and the other on the role of technology in fostering independence. This would allow for a more detailed exploration of each point and improve readability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Additionally," and "For example," which help to connect ideas and provide clarity. However, there is a reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. The use of more varied linking words and phrases would enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of transitional phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "For example," consider alternatives such as "To illustrate," "This is evident in," or "A case in point is." Additionally, using phrases like "On the contrary" or "In contrast" can help to emphasize the differences between the two viewpoints more effectively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and sophistication of their arguments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "economic globalization," "international merchandise trade," and "cutting-edge technology." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the word "depend" is used multiple times without synonyms or alternative expressions, which could enhance the richness of the text.
    • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "depend," alternatives like "rely," "count on," or "lean on" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could add depth to the arguments presented.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "interdependence" and "self-reliant." However, there are instances of imprecise usage, particularly in phrases like "criteria need to be responded to promote the success of a country." The term "criteria" is plural and does not fit well in this context, as it suggests multiple standards rather than a singular requirement.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that the vocabulary used aligns correctly with the intended meaning. For example, replacing "criteria" with "factors" or "conditions" would clarify the point being made. Additionally, reviewing the context in which certain words are used can help in selecting the most appropriate terms.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with few errors. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "essential product imports," which could be more clearly articulated as "essential imported products" for better clarity.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy and overall clarity, the writer should proofread the essay carefully. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or grammar checkers can help identify and correct minor errors. Furthermore, reading the essay aloud can assist in catching awkward phrasing or spelling mistakes that may be overlooked during silent reading.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 6 for Lexical Resource, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and ensuring spelling accuracy, the writer can elevate their lexical resource to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively organizes the argument. Additionally, the writer employs relative clauses, as seen in "many countries rely heavily on each other for trade, resources and technology," which adds depth to the sentences. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way ideas are introduced and developed, which could limit the overall range.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentence forms, such as conditional sentences or varied clause placements. For example, instead of frequently starting with "Firstly" or "To begin with," the writer could use phrases like "One significant aspect to consider is…" or "An important factor that illustrates this is…". This would not only diversify the sentence structures but also improve the flow of ideas.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "there are several compelling reasons that support the claim that we are more dependent on each other now" is grammatically correct, but the use of "that" could be streamlined for clarity. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the inconsistent spacing before commas and periods (e.g., "nowadays . Although" should be "nowadays. Although"). The use of commas is mostly effective, but there are instances where they could enhance clarity, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for minor errors and ensuring consistent punctuation. A good strategy would be to read the essay aloud to catch awkward phrasing or punctuation mistakes. Furthermore, practicing the rules of comma usage, especially in complex sentences, would help clarify the relationships between ideas. For example, in the sentence "this makes them more independent as they learn to live alone," a comma before "as" could improve readability: "this makes them more independent, as they learn to live alone."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, but there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some people are of the opinion that people are more or less dependent on others nowadays. Although both schools of thought have merit, I agree with those who believe that modern life forces us to be more independent than people were in the past.

On the one hand, there are several compelling reasons that support the claim that we are more dependent on each other now. Firstly, we are living in an era of economic globalization. Additionally, several factors must be addressed to promote the success of a country, and one of those factors is international trade in goods. Therefore, nowadays many countries rely heavily on each other for trade, resources, and technology. For example, many countries depend on others for essential imports such as oil, energy, and food, creating a web of interdependence. As a result, these relationships support each other, strengthening international relations among nations.

On the other hand, I support the view that people are more independent these days. To begin with, in most countries, families are becoming smaller, leading to people relying less on relatives than they used to. Consequently, individuals have more freedom to travel and live far away from their hometowns. For example, many students pursue education overseas instead of going to their local universities; this makes them more independent as they learn to live alone. Not only that, advancements in technology are increasing, causing inhabitants to be more self-reliant. For instance, online platforms enable people to acquire new skills, establish businesses, and work from home without needing to rely on traditional institutions or employers.

In conclusion, while there are some reasons to believe that people now depend on each other more, my own view is that we are more independent than ever.

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