Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some individuals believe that owing to modernisation, residents have gained more independence, whereas others express an opposing viewpoint. From my perspective, although the latter view is plausible to a certain extent, I would side with those who support the former argument.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why people tend to be dependent on each other. First of all, because of globalization, the economic prosperity of one nation can be affected either positively or negatively by different countries. This is because a variety of nations have fostered relationships with other countries in order to effectively transport merchandise and expand their preposition in the global market. Therefore, if developed nations change their actions such as imposing new trade regulations, emerging and developing countries that have strengthened relationships with them will absolutely have changes and adaptations. For example, in the Covid-19 pandemic, China restricted trading activities with Vietnam, leading to financial crises in Vietnam after that. Secondly, in this day and age, the cost of living is higher, especially in urban areas. This is a tremendous challenge for young citizens to purchase houses which are more prohibitively expensive. As a result, they tend to rely on their families to support them financially.

On the other hand, I would agree with those who believe that people have a tendency to have more independence these days. Initially, owing to technological advancement, students could have ample opportunities to learn anywhere and anytime as they have accessed a wide range of information and online learning. This could reduce the role of teachers and encourage teenagers to actively read materials or be responsible for managing their timetable to ensure their academic performances are not influenced negatively due to other activities. Furthermore, the development of technology is also beneficial for business processes. Various monotonous and repetitive tasks made by humans before have been replaced by robotics. Consequently, procedures would be shorter and easier to manage. For instance, instead of qualified consultants, some companies apply chatbox systems to support customers’ simple questions on social media.

In conclusion, it is understandable why people believe individuals tend to depend on each other nowadays. However, in my opinion, I still support the opposite view.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some individuals believe" -> "Some scholars argue"
Explanation: The phrase "Some individuals believe" sounds informal and vague for an academic essay. Using "Some scholars argue" not only specifies the type of individuals but also adds a scholarly tone.
"owing to modernisation" -> "due to modernization"
Explanation: "Owing to" is correct but slightly archaic; "due to" is more commonly used in contemporary academic writing. Additionally, adjusting "modernisation" to "modernization" adheres to American English spelling, which is widely used in academic contexts.
"whereas others express an opposing viewpoint." -> "while others hold a contrary perspective."
Explanation: Replacing "express an opposing viewpoint" with "hold a contrary perspective" enhances the formal tone and is more precise in academic language.
"plausible to a certain extent" -> "credible to some degree"
Explanation: "Plausible" is suitable, but "credible" is a stronger academic term that conveys believability more forcefully. "To some degree" is a more formal alternative to "to a certain extent."
"I would side with" -> "I support"
Explanation: "I would side with" is somewhat informal and indirect for academic writing. "I support" is direct and more assertive, which is preferable in academic arguments.
"fostered relationships with" -> "established relationships with"
Explanation: "Fostered" implies nurturing, which might not be the precise term needed here. "Established" is a more direct and common academic term for forming relationships.
"have strengthened relationships with them will absolutely have changes and adaptations" -> "having strengthened relationships with them will inevitably undergo changes and adaptations"
Explanation: The use of "absolutely" is too absolute and informal for an academic context; "inevitably" is more measured and suitable. Also, "will absolutely have" is somewhat redundant and can be simplified to "will inevitably undergo."
"This is a tremendous challenge for young citizens to purchase houses which are more prohibitively expensive." -> "This poses a significant challenge for young citizens attempting to purchase increasingly expensive housing."
Explanation: "Tremendous challenge" and "prohibitively expensive" are somewhat emotional; "significant challenge" and "increasingly expensive" maintain a formal tone while conveying the difficulty clearly.
"could have ample opportunities" -> "have considerable opportunities"
Explanation: The use of "could" suggests possibility rather than certainty; "have" asserts more definite availability, which is stronger for academic arguments.
"actively read materials or be responsible for managing their timetable" -> "actively engage with materials and manage their schedules"
Explanation: "Actively read materials or be responsible for" is a bit cumbersome; "actively engage with materials and manage their schedules" is more concise and formal.
"made by humans before" -> "previously performed by humans"
Explanation: "Made by humans before" is informal and awkwardly phrased; "previously performed by humans" is clearer and maintains an academic style.
"apply chatbox systems" -> "implement chatbot systems"
Explanation: "Apply" is less specific than "implement," which is more commonly used in the context of introducing new systems or technologies. Also, "chatbox" should be corrected to "chatbot," which is the correct term for automated chatting systems.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views presented in the prompt. It discusses reasons why people are more dependent on each other (globalization and economic interdependence, higher cost of living) and also presents arguments for increased independence (technological advancements leading to more learning opportunities and streamlined business processes).
- How to improve: To enhance the score in this aspect, ensure that each view is explored in greater depth with more specific examples and analysis. Develop the discussion on why some believe in increased independence and why others argue for increased interdependence, providing a balanced and nuanced perspective.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, stating a preference for the belief that people have gained more independence due to modernization. This stance is consistently supported throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, provide more detailed reasoning and examples supporting why the author supports increased independence, and perhaps address counterarguments to make the position more robust.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately but could benefit from further development and support. Examples such as the impact of globalization on trade relations and the role of technology in education and business are mentioned but could be elaborated with more specific details and analysis.
- How to improve: Extend each idea with additional explanations, examples, or case studies. For instance, provide more data or studies to support claims about the impact of globalization on economic interdependence or cite specific technological advancements and their effects on independence.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing both views on modern independence vs. interdependence. However, some parts could be more focused, especially when discussing examples like the Covid-19 impact on trading activities.
- How to improve: Ensure that each example or point directly relates to the topic of independence vs. interdependence. Avoid tangential discussions or examples that do not directly contribute to the main argument.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents arguments coherently. To improve, focus on providing more detailed explanations, examples, and analysis to support each viewpoint and ensure that all content remains directly relevant to the prompt’s requirements.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at logical organization by presenting both viewpoints in separate paragraphs. Each viewpoint is supported with examples and reasoning, contributing to coherence. However, the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the overall flow of ideas. For instance, a smoother transition between the discussion of dependency and independence could improve coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases or sentences between paragraphs to guide the reader smoothly from one idea to the next. For instance, phrases like "On the contrary" or "However, it is important to consider" can help signal shifts in perspective and maintain the flow of the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. However, there are instances where paragraphing could be improved for clearer organization. For example, the paragraph discussing reasons for dependence could be further subdivided to address each reason separately, enhancing clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to focus on individual points more clearly. This can help readers follow the progression of ideas more easily and improve overall coherence. Additionally, ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). These devices help signal shifts between different ideas and viewpoints, contributing to coherence. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and strategic placement of cohesive devices to strengthen the overall cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices, including pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "moreover," "furthermore"), and synonyms to avoid repetition. Additionally, ensure cohesive devices are used strategically to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, facilitating a smoother progression of arguments. For example, using parallel structure in sentences can help maintain coherence and clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, with the writer employing a variety of words and phrases throughout the essay. For instance, terms like "modernisation," "plausible," "fostered relationships," "proposition," "financial crises," "technological advancement," "monotonous," and "repetitive tasks" showcase a breadth of vocabulary usage.
- How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. Additionally, ensure that the vocabulary used is contextually accurate and effectively conveys the intended meaning.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with a reasonable level of precision. However, there are instances where the usage could be more precise. For example, in the phrase "preposition in the global market," the word "preposition" seems to be a typographical error and may not accurately convey the intended meaning. Additionally, the phrase "support customers’ simple questions" could be refined for clarity and specificity.
- How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, carefully select words and phrases that accurately convey the intended meaning in context. Avoid typographical errors and strive for clarity and specificity in expression. Consider revising sentences where the meaning might be ambiguous or imprecise.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout, with few errors observed. However, there are a couple of instances where spelling accuracy could be improved. For instance, "preposition" appears to be a typographical error, and "chatbox" should be spelled as "chat bot" or "chatbot." Additionally, there are minor grammatical errors such as missing articles ("the") in some sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully to catch any typographical errors. Utilize spelling and grammar checkers as tools for identifying and correcting errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing writing resources to improve grammatical accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and spelling, contributing to an effective communication of ideas. To further enhance lexical resource, focus on incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, using words precisely in context, and improving spelling accuracy through careful proofreading and utilization of writing resources.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. Complex structures such as conditional sentences ("if developed nations change their actions…"), compound sentences ("This is because a variety of nations…"), and relative clauses ("…young citizens to purchase houses which are more prohibitively expensive") are utilized effectively. Additionally, the essay incorporates transitional phrases ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion") to organize ideas logically.
- How to improve: To further enhance the richness of sentence structures, consider integrating more advanced constructions such as inversion ("Not only is globalization reshaping…"), participial phrases ("Given the current economic climate, relying solely on…"), and rhetorical questions ("What implications might this trend have for future generations?"). Additionally, vary the length of sentences to create a more dynamic rhythm and engage the reader effectively.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. Sentences are generally well-structured, and grammatical errors are minimal. However, there are a few instances where subject-verb agreement issues arise ("…students could have ample opportunities to learn…"). Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases ("First of all," "Secondly," "Furthermore").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement throughout the essay. Ensure that singular subjects are paired with singular verbs and plural subjects with plural verbs to maintain grammatical consistency. Furthermore, review the usage of commas, particularly in introductory phrases, to improve clarity and readability. Consistently proofreading written work can help identify and rectify such errors effectively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, contributing to its coherence and clarity. By incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and refining grammatical precision, the writer can further elevate the quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some scholars argue that due to modernization, individuals have gained more independence, while others hold a contrary perspective. From my standpoint, although the latter view is credible to some degree, I support those who believe in increased interdependence.

On one hand, there are several reasons why people tend to be dependent on each other. Firstly, owing to globalization, the economic prosperity of one nation can be affected either positively or negatively by different countries. This is because various nations have established relationships with others to effectively transport merchandise and expand their position in the global market. Consequently, if developed nations alter their actions, such as imposing new trade regulations, emerging and developing countries with established relationships with them will inevitably undergo changes and adaptations. For instance, during the Covid-19 pandemic, China restricted trading activities with Vietnam, leading to financial crises in Vietnam thereafter. Secondly, in this modern era, the cost of living is higher, especially in urban areas. This poses a significant challenge for young citizens attempting to purchase increasingly expensive housing. As a result, they tend to rely on their families for financial support.

On the other hand, I would agree with those who believe that people have a tendency to have more independence these days. Initially, owing to technological advancement, students have considerable opportunities to learn anywhere and anytime, as they have access to a wide range of information and online learning resources. This could reduce the role of teachers and encourage teenagers to actively engage with materials or manage their schedules to ensure their academic performances are not negatively influenced by other activities. Furthermore, the development of technology is also beneficial for business processes. Various monotonous and repetitive tasks previously performed by humans have been replaced by robotics. Consequently, procedures have become shorter and easier to manage. For instance, instead of qualified consultants, some companies implement chatbot systems to support customers’ simple questions on social media.

In conclusion, while it is understandable why some people believe individuals tend to depend on each other nowadays, I still support the idea of increased interdependence.