Some people think that it’s important to spend money on family celebrations (e.g. weddings, birthdays). But something expensive celebrations are a waste of money. Discuss and give opinions
Some people think that it's important to spend money on family celebrations (e.g. weddings, birthdays). But something expensive celebrations are a waste of money. Discuss and give opinions
In today's financially driven world, the debate over whether to allocate funds to family celebrations, such as weddings and birthdays, has become increasingly contentious. While some argue that these events are essential for fostering family bonds and reducing stress, others contend that they are a frivolous waste of resources. This essay will examine both perspectives, concluding with my own viewpoint.
On one hand, proponents of allocating money to family events often highlight the benefits of connecting family members. The fact that individuals are increasingly becoming more disconnected from one another due to their hectic work schedules means that family celebrations, such as birthday parties or weddings, are occasions for them to reconnect with relatives and fellow family members through communication, sharing, and meaningful interactions. These activities not only alleviate stress but also emphasize the significance of family roles over financial values. Therefore, spending money on family activities is endorsed by a significant segment of the population.
On the other hand, opponents hold the notion that we are wasting money on some expensive family celebrations. In several countries, people are often too focused on organizing family events, including spending an excessive amount of money on preparing parties. A salient example can be observed in wedding parties in Vietnam, where families, especially affluent ones, have been recorded as paying millions of dollars for bridal stress, wedding suits, food, hiring luxurious venues, and inviting hundreds of guests. Not to mention, some areas have a tradition of holding parties weekly, leading to an unjustified expenditure of resources. That money would be better saved for more important purposes, such as buying houses, raising children, or investing. For this reason, many are against the idea of spending so much money on family celebrations.
In conclusion, the use of money for family celebrations has both merits and demerits. In my opinion, we cannot discourage people from allocating funds to family celebrations because some of them, such as weddings or birthday parties, still hold great importance. However, we can organize them in a cost-effective manner, instead of wasting a lot of money.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In today’s financially driven world" -> "In the contemporary financially driven world"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "contemporary" provides a more formal and precise temporal reference, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence. -
"has become increasingly contentious" -> "has become increasingly controversial"
Explanation: "Controversial" is a more precise term in academic contexts, as it specifically refers to issues that are debated or opposed, whereas "contentious" can imply a more general disagreement or argumentative nature. -
"frivolous waste of resources" -> "unjustified expenditure of resources"
Explanation: "Unjustified expenditure" is more specific and academically appropriate than "frivolous waste," which carries a negative connotation that may be seen as overly emotional or judgmental. -
"On one hand" -> "On the one hand"
Explanation: "On the one hand" is the correct idiomatic expression in formal writing, whereas "on one hand" is grammatically incorrect. -
"proponents of allocating money to family events" -> "advocates for allocating funds to family events"
Explanation: "Advocates for" is a more formal and precise term than "proponents of," and "funds" is a more specific term than "money" in this context, which refers to financial resources allocated for a specific purpose. -
"increasingly becoming more disconnected" -> "increasingly becoming more disconnected"
Explanation: This is a correction to maintain grammatical consistency, as "increasingly" should be used with the present participle "becoming" to correctly describe ongoing processes. -
"spending money on family activities" -> "allocating funds to family activities"
Explanation: "Allocating funds" is a more formal and precise term than "spending money," which is more colloquial and vague. -
"opponents hold the notion" -> "opponents argue"
Explanation: "Argue" is a more direct and academically appropriate verb than "hold the notion," which is somewhat vague and less formal. -
"wasting money on some expensive family celebrations" -> "expenditure on some lavish family celebrations"
Explanation: "Expenditure" is a more formal term than "wasting money," and "lavish" is more precise than "expensive" in describing the nature of the celebrations. -
"salient example" -> "notable example"
Explanation: "Salient" typically refers to something that stands out due to its prominence or importance, but in this context, "notable" is more appropriate as it simply means worthy of notice or attention. -
"affluent ones" -> "wealthy families"
Explanation: "Wealthy families" is a more specific and formal term than "affluent ones," which is somewhat vague and informal. -
"unjustified expenditure of resources" -> "unjustified allocation of resources"
Explanation: "Allocation" is more specific to the context of assigning resources for a particular purpose, making it more precise and appropriate in an academic discussion. -
"wasting a lot of money" -> "expenditure of significant funds"
Explanation: "Expenditure of significant funds" is a more formal and precise way to describe the amount of money being spent, avoiding the colloquial "wasting a lot of money." -
"organize them in a cost-effective manner" -> "conduct them in an economical manner"
Explanation: "Conduct" is a more formal verb than "organize" in this context, and "economical" is a more precise adjective than "cost-effective," which can be seen as overly simplistic in an academic essay.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding the importance of spending money on family celebrations versus viewing them as a waste. The introduction clearly outlines the two perspectives, and the body paragraphs provide relevant examples and reasoning for each viewpoint. However, while the essay does discuss both sides, it could benefit from a more explicit mention of the implications of each viewpoint, particularly how they affect individuals and families in broader contexts.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could incorporate a brief analysis of the potential emotional or cultural significance of celebrations, which would deepen the discussion. Additionally, explicitly linking the examples back to the question prompt would strengthen the overall argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that supports the idea of spending on family celebrations while advocating for a more cost-effective approach. The conclusion reiterates this stance effectively. However, the transition from discussing both sides to stating the author’s opinion could be made smoother to reinforce the clarity of the position.
- How to improve: The writer could use transitional phrases to signal shifts in perspective more clearly, such as "While I acknowledge the concerns regarding excessive spending, I believe…" This would help in maintaining a consistent thread of the author’s viewpoint throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas well, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct argument. The use of examples, particularly the reference to wedding costs in Vietnam, effectively supports the argument against excessive spending. However, the essay could further develop the supporting ideas by providing more detailed examples or statistics to illustrate the points made.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should consider including more specific examples or data that highlight the benefits of family celebrations, such as studies showing the positive effects of family bonding on mental health. This would provide a more balanced view and reinforce the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely on topic, discussing the importance and drawbacks of spending on family celebrations. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the mention of "tradition of holding parties weekly" could be seen as slightly tangential to the main argument about the cost of celebrations.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question. Clarifying how traditions impact spending habits could help maintain focus. Additionally, summarizing the relevance of each example to the main argument would help reinforce the topic throughout the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some refinements in clarity, depth of examples, and focus, it could achieve an even higher score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the two opposing viewpoints. Each viewpoint is explored in separate paragraphs, which helps in maintaining a logical flow. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of family celebrations, while the second body paragraph addresses the opposing view regarding the wastefulness of spending on such events. However, the transition between the two perspectives could be smoother, as the shift from one argument to the other feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that clearly indicate a shift in perspective. For example, phrases like "Conversely" or "On the contrary" can help signal the reader that you are moving from one viewpoint to another. Additionally, summarizing the main points at the end of each paragraph could reinforce the logical progression of ideas.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific argument. The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph more explicitly. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence that directly states the importance of family celebrations in fostering connections.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. This will guide the reader and provide a clearer framework for the arguments presented. Additionally, consider using concluding sentences that summarize the key points of each paragraph, reinforcing the main argument before transitioning to the next point.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and referencing, to connect ideas within and between sentences. For instance, the use of "On one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively introduces contrasting viewpoints. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be more explicit.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, you could use "Furthermore," "Additionally," or "Moreover" to add information, and "However," "Nevertheless," or "Conversely" to present contrasting ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance the flow of ideas. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "money," you could refer to it as "financial resources" or "funds" in subsequent mentions.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, achieving a Band Score of 7. By focusing on improving transitions, enhancing paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can reach an even higher level of clarity and organization.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "contentious," "frivolous," "alleviate," and "unjustified expenditure" showcasing a strong command of language. The writer effectively uses synonyms and varied expressions to convey ideas, such as "allocate funds" and "organizing family events." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated, particularly in discussing the opposing views.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate more advanced terms or idiomatic expressions related to financial discussions or family dynamics. For example, instead of repeating "family celebrations," alternatives like "family gatherings" or "commemorative events" could be used. Additionally, using phrases like "financial prudence" or "extravagant expenditures" would elevate the lexical sophistication.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "bridal stress" is unclear and could confuse readers, as it does not directly relate to the financial aspects of weddings. The term "affluent" is used correctly, but the context could be clearer if it included a more explicit connection to the discussion about spending.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure that all terms used directly relate to the ideas being expressed. For example, replacing "bridal stress" with "wedding expenses" would clarify the intended meaning. Additionally, ensuring that all vocabulary choices directly support the argument will enhance clarity and effectiveness.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors in the text. Words such as "contentious," "expenditure," and "significance" are spelled correctly, reflecting a strong grasp of English spelling conventions.
- How to improve: While spelling is already strong, the writer should continue to practice writing and proofreading to maintain this level of accuracy. Utilizing spell-check tools and engaging in regular reading can further reinforce correct spelling habits. Additionally, focusing on commonly misspelled words in English can help ensure continued proficiency.
In summary, the essay achieves a Band Score of 7 for Lexical Resource due to its effective use of a wide range of vocabulary, generally precise usage, and strong spelling accuracy. To improve further, the writer should aim for greater variety in vocabulary, enhance precision in word choice, and maintain their excellent spelling practices.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences are effectively used, such as "While some argue that these events are essential for fostering family bonds and reducing stress, others contend that they are a frivolous waste of resources." This sentence showcases the use of a subordinate clause and a contrasting conjunction. Additionally, the essay includes a mix of simple and compound sentences, which helps maintain reader engagement. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way arguments are presented, which could limit the overall range.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying the placement of clauses. For example, start some sentences with adverbial phrases or use inversion for emphasis. Additionally, integrating rhetorical questions or conditional sentences could diversify the essay’s tone and complexity.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors. However, there are minor issues, such as the phrase "something expensive celebrations are a waste of money," which appears to be a typographical error or misphrasing that disrupts clarity. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, especially in longer sentences. For example, in the sentence "Not to mention, some areas have a tradition of holding parties weekly, leading to an unjustified expenditure of resources," the comma after "Not to mention" is appropriate, but the sentence could be clearer with a slight rephrasing.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for typographical errors and awkward phrasing. Practicing sentence rephrasing can help clarify meaning. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Consider using grammar-checking tools or peer reviews to catch errors that may be overlooked during self-editing.
Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a balanced view on the topic, but focusing on diversifying sentence structures and ensuring grammatical precision will help elevate the score further.
Bài sửa mẫu
In today’s financially driven world, the debate over whether to allocate funds to family celebrations, such as weddings and birthdays, has become increasingly controversial. While some argue that these events are essential for fostering family bonds and reducing stress, others contend that they are a frivolous waste of resources. This essay will examine both perspectives, concluding with my own viewpoint.
On the one hand, proponents of allocating money to family events often highlight the benefits of connecting family members. The fact that individuals are increasingly becoming more disconnected from one another due to their hectic work schedules means that family celebrations, such as birthday parties or weddings, are occasions for them to reconnect with relatives and fellow family members through communication, sharing, and meaningful interactions. These activities not only alleviate stress but also emphasize the significance of family roles over financial values. Therefore, spending money on family activities is endorsed by a significant segment of the population.
On the other hand, opponents argue that we are wasting money on some expensive family celebrations. In several countries, people are often too focused on organizing family events, including spending an excessive amount of money on preparing parties. A notable example can be observed in wedding parties in Vietnam, where families, especially wealthy ones, have been recorded as paying millions of dollars for bridal dresses, wedding suits, food, hiring luxurious venues, and inviting hundreds of guests. Not to mention, some areas have a tradition of holding parties weekly, leading to an unjustified expenditure of resources. That money would be better saved for more important purposes, such as buying houses, raising children, or investing. For this reason, many are against the idea of spending so much money on family celebrations.
In conclusion, the expenditure of significant funds for family celebrations has both merits and demerits. In my opinion, we cannot discourage people from allocating funds to family celebrations because some of them, such as weddings or birthday parties, still hold great importance. However, we can conduct them in an economical manner, instead of wasting a lot of money.