Some people think that older school children should learn a wide range of subjects to acquire more knowledge, while other people believe they should learn a small number of subjects in detail. Discuss both views and give your opinions.

There is an ongoing debate over whether it is crucial for teenagers to study a diverse range of subjects at school or focus on delving deeply into a few subjects. From my viewpoint, I would argue that individuals who are seeking higher-paying positions should be guided to become experts in their preferred fields rather than attempt to study as many subjects as possible.

One must acknowledge that students are commonly expected to achieve higher academic accomplishments due to the wider job opportunities that may arise. It is evident that obtaining essential knowledge from various subjects can provide a wealth of information that may be useful for their future job prospects. Owing to the well-paid jobs that offer financial stability, educators and parents frequently place high expectations on teenagers to impress themselves by achieving academic goals. In many Asian countries, for instance, it is essential for students to gain competence in multiple curriculum to enhance their overall academic performance, which is believed to broaden their horizons.

Conversely, there are many advantages for individuals who have the ability to delve deeper into their favorite school curriculum. Firstly, the focus on in-depth study of a subject could improve students’ analytical skills, assisting them in absorbing knowledge with long-term retention rather than skimming through lessons, which is a common trend in today’s education. This is because delving deeply into a few subjects can stimulate one’s brain, making this invaluable information more memorable. Secondly, many companies tend to seek qualified employees who possess expertise in specific fields. Therefore, concentrating on a small number of subjects would benefit adolescents in widening their career paths.

In conclusion, although learning several subjects could be beneficial in the short term due to the job opportunities they may offer, adolescents with expertise are still considered crucial employees for businesses. It is important for educators and parents to empower children to choose their preferred subjects as well as their career paths, rather than forcing them to pursue areas in which they have little interest.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There is an ongoing debate" -> "There is an ongoing controversy"
Explanation: "Controversy" is a more precise term in academic contexts, implying a more formal and intense discussion, which is more suitable for an academic essay.
"delving deeply into a few subjects" -> "specializing in a few subjects"
Explanation: "Specializing" is a more precise term that conveys a focused effort on a specific area, which is more appropriate in an academic context than "delving deeply," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"individuals who are seeking higher-paying positions" -> "individuals seeking higher-paying positions"
Explanation: Removing "who are" simplifies the phrase without losing meaning, making it more concise and formal.
"attempt to study as many subjects as possible" -> "pursue a broad range of subjects"
Explanation: "Pursue a broad range of subjects" is more formal and academically precise than "attempt to study as many subjects as possible," which sounds informal and vague.
"achieving academic accomplishments" -> "achieving academic success"
Explanation: "Success" is a more commonly used and accepted term in academic writing than "accomplishments," which can be less specific and slightly awkward.
"obtaining essential knowledge" -> "gaining fundamental knowledge"
Explanation: "Gaining fundamental knowledge" is a more precise and formal way to describe the acquisition of essential information, aligning better with academic language.
"well-paid jobs" -> "high-paying positions"
Explanation: "High-paying positions" is a more formal and precise term than "well-paid jobs," which is somewhat informal and less specific.
"impress themselves" -> "impress others"
Explanation: "Impress others" is more appropriate in this context, as it refers to the external expectations and pressures from educators and parents, rather than the internal motivation of the students.
"gain competence in multiple curriculum" -> "develop competence in multiple curricula"
Explanation: "Curricula" is the plural form of "curriculum," which is grammatically correct and more formal in academic writing.
"delve deeper into their favorite school curriculum" -> "deepen their understanding of their preferred subjects"
Explanation: "Deepen their understanding of their preferred subjects" is more precise and formal, avoiding the colloquial "delve deeper into their favorite school curriculum."
"stimulate one’s brain" -> "stimulate cognitive development"
Explanation: "Stimulate cognitive development" is a more formal and scientifically accurate phrase than "stimulate one’s brain," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"making this invaluable information more memorable" -> "enhancing retention of this valuable information"
Explanation: "Enhancing retention of this valuable information" is more precise and formal, focusing on the process of retaining information rather than the vague "making this invaluable information more memorable."
"concentrating on a small number of subjects" -> "focusing on a limited number of subjects"
Explanation: "Focusing on a limited number of subjects" is more formal and precise, replacing the less formal "concentrating."
"adolescents with expertise are still considered crucial employees" -> "adolescents with expertise remain essential employees"
Explanation: "Remain essential employees" is a more formal and concise way to express the ongoing importance of these individuals in the workforce.
"empower children to choose their preferred subjects" -> "empower students to select their preferred subjects"
Explanation: "Students" is a more formal term than "children," and "select" is more precise than "choose" in this context, aligning better with academic language.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding whether older school children should learn a wide range of subjects or focus on a few in-depth. The introduction clearly presents the debate, and both perspectives are discussed in separate paragraphs. The writer acknowledges the benefits of a broad education in terms of job opportunities and the advantages of specializing in a few subjects for deeper understanding and expertise. However, the discussion of the first viewpoint could be more balanced, as it leans slightly more towards the second viewpoint.
- How to improve: To enhance the balance, the writer could provide more specific examples or statistics that support the advantages of a broad education, perhaps citing studies or real-world cases where a diverse skill set has proven beneficial.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position favoring specialization, which is evident in the conclusion and throughout the essay. Phrases like "I would argue that individuals who are seeking higher-paying positions should be guided to become experts" clearly articulate the author’s stance. However, the transition between discussing both sides and returning to the author’s opinion could be smoother to reinforce the position.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use more explicit transitional phrases when moving from discussing one viewpoint to the other. For example, stating "While both perspectives have merit, I believe…" could help reinforce the author’s position more effectively.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a variety of ideas, particularly in the advantages of specialization, such as improved analytical skills and better job prospects. These ideas are extended with explanations, making them clear and relevant. However, the support for the first viewpoint is less robust, lacking specific examples or detailed explanations that would strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples or case studies for both viewpoints. For instance, mentioning specific careers that benefit from a broad education, or citing educational systems that successfully implement a diverse curriculum, would add depth to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, discussing the merits of both educational approaches and the implications for students’ futures. However, there are moments where the discussion strays slightly, particularly when discussing the expectations of parents and educators, which could be more directly tied back to the main question.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of the essay. This can be achieved by consistently linking back to the prompt in each paragraph, ensuring that all discussions are relevant to the debate on the breadth versus depth of education.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some adjustments in balance, clarity, and support, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. The argument flows logically from the introduction to the conclusion, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the debate. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of a wide range of subjects, while the second emphasizes the advantages of in-depth study. However, the transition between the two perspectives could be smoother, as the shift from the first to the second body paragraph feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the two viewpoints. For example, phrases like "On the other hand" or "In contrast" can help signal the shift in focus. Additionally, summarizing the main point of the first paragraph before transitioning to the second could reinforce the logical progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph containing a clear main idea supported by relevant details. The introduction sets the stage, while the body paragraphs each tackle a distinct viewpoint. However, the conclusion could be more distinct from the body paragraphs, as it somewhat reiterates points made earlier without providing a strong final statement.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion synthesizes the main arguments rather than merely restating them. A strong concluding paragraph should encapsulate the discussion and provide a final thought or recommendation. Additionally, consider using topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph to guide the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Conversely," and "In conclusion," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. For example, while there are some instances of cohesive devices, they tend to be repetitive, and the essay could benefit from more varied expressions to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases for common transitions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "Firstly" and "Secondly," you could use "To begin with" or "Additionally." Additionally, using conjunctions like "however," "moreover," and "furthermore" can help create more nuanced connections between ideas. This will not only improve the flow but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments. By focusing on smoother transitions, enhancing the distinctiveness of paragraphs, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, utilizing terms such as "diverse range," "delving deeply," "academic accomplishments," and "financial stability." These phrases effectively convey complex ideas and contribute to the overall clarity of the argument. However, there are instances where synonyms or varied expressions could enhance the richness of the language. For example, the phrase "gain competence in multiple curriculum" could be improved by using "master a variety of subjects" to avoid redundancy.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more varied expressions and synonyms throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeating "subjects," explore alternatives like "disciplines," "fields of study," or "areas of knowledge." This will not only diversify the vocabulary but also demonstrate a deeper command of language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For example, the phrase "impress themselves by achieving academic goals" is somewhat unclear; it would be more precise to say "impress others" or "meet societal expectations." Additionally, the term "curriculum" is used incorrectly in the plural form; the correct term should be "curricula" or "curriculum areas."
- How to improve: To improve precision, review vocabulary choices and ensure they accurately reflect the intended meaning. Consider using a thesaurus to find more precise alternatives and double-check the context in which terms are used. For instance, clarify phrases that may lead to ambiguity and ensure that plural forms of words are used correctly.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a strong level of spelling accuracy, with no significant errors present. Words such as "essential," "opportunities," and "knowledge" are spelled correctly, contributing to the overall professionalism of the writing. However, attention should be paid to the spelling of "curriculum," which was mentioned in the plural form incorrectly.
- How to improve: To maintain and enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, take a moment to read through it carefully, focusing on commonly misspelled words and ensuring that all terms are used correctly. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or using spelling apps can reinforce correct spelling habits.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria, demonstrating not only a wide range of vocabulary but also precision and accuracy in usage.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "From my viewpoint, I would argue that individuals who are seeking higher-paying positions should be guided to become experts in their preferred fields rather than attempt to study as many subjects as possible." This showcases an ability to convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the use of "it is essential" and "there are many advantages," which could be varied further to enhance the essay’s dynamism.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying the introductory phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "it is essential," you could use alternatives like "a crucial aspect" or "a significant factor." Additionally, integrating more passive voice constructions or rhetorical questions could add depth and variety to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "students are commonly expected to achieve higher academic accomplishments due to the wider job opportunities that may arise" is grammatically correct, but the word "accomplishments" could be replaced with "achievements" for clarity. Punctuation is mostly accurate, though there are a few instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "for instance" in "In many Asian countries, for instance, it is essential…"
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on refining word choice and ensuring that the vocabulary used is precise. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, can enhance clarity. For instance, consider breaking up longer sentences or using semicolons to connect closely related independent clauses. Regular practice with grammar exercises and peer reviews can also help identify and correct recurring errors.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a clear argument, but further attention to sentence variety and grammatical precision will elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is an ongoing controversy over whether it is crucial for teenagers to study a diverse range of subjects at school or focus on delving deeply into a few subjects. From my viewpoint, I would argue that individuals seeking higher-paying positions should be guided to become experts in their preferred fields rather than attempting to study as many subjects as possible.

One must acknowledge that students are commonly expected to achieve higher academic success due to the wider job opportunities that may arise. It is evident that gaining fundamental knowledge from various subjects can provide a wealth of information that may be useful for their future job prospects. Owing to the high-paying positions that offer financial stability, educators and parents frequently place high expectations on teenagers to impress themselves by achieving academic goals. In many Asian countries, for instance, it is essential for students to develop competence in multiple curricula to enhance their overall academic performance, which is believed to broaden their horizons.

Conversely, there are many advantages for individuals who have the ability to delve deeper into their favorite subjects. Firstly, focusing on in-depth study of a subject could improve students’ analytical skills, assisting them in absorbing knowledge with long-term retention rather than skimming through lessons, which is a common trend in today’s education. This is because specializing in a few subjects can stimulate cognitive development, making this invaluable information more memorable. Secondly, many companies tend to seek qualified employees who possess expertise in specific fields. Therefore, concentrating on a limited number of subjects would benefit adolescents in widening their career paths.

In conclusion, although pursuing a broad range of subjects could be beneficial in the short term due to the job opportunities they may offer, adolescents with expertise remain essential employees for businesses. It is important for educators and parents to empower students to select their preferred subjects as well as their career paths, rather than forcing them to pursue areas in which they have little interest.