Some people think that older school children should learn a wide range of subjects to acquire more knowledge, while other people believe they should learn a small number of subjects in details. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

While some people hold the view that children should pay equal attention to a variety of subjects, others believe that they should focus on some particular ones. This essay will discuss both opinions and agree with the latter.

On the one hand, taking lessons in different subjects benefits children to a certain extent. The major advantage is children may realize their real passion and capabilities by taking part in separate disciplines. Meanwhile, children who are specialized in some certain subjects may fail to understand other areas of studies, restricting their job prospects in the future. Additionally, having a good grasp of different subjects fosters students’ well-rounded development. As a result, they can apply the knowledge learnt from another field to support his own major . For example, a student who studies Medicine can use his English ability to read specialized materials in foreign languages.

Despite the above mentioned ideas, it is highly suggested that students devote more time to some core subjects that they find helpful for their future. The reason is the proficiency in their major, rather than their understanding of different fields determines their success. For example, whether an engineer can build a bridge or not mostly depends on his expertise and experience in the Construction field, instead of English or any other irrelevant areas of studies. Furthermore, it seems somehow unrealistic to expect the students to master every subject. The reason is each person is born with distinct talents, which should be encouraged and appericated. This may prevent students from being skeptical of their own ability and motivate them to pursue their passion.

In conclusion, studying different subjects gives people more job opportunities and supports their own major. However, it is their expertise on some certain subjects that decides their success.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"While some people hold the view that" -> "While some individuals maintain that"
Explanation: Replacing "people hold the view that" with "individuals maintain that" refines the language by using a more formal and precise term, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.
"others believe that they should focus on some particular ones" -> "others contend that they should concentrate on specific subjects"
Explanation: "Contend" is more formal than "believe," and "concentrate on specific subjects" is more precise and academically appropriate than "focus on some particular ones."
"benefits children to a certain extent" -> "benefits children to some extent"
Explanation: The phrase "to a certain extent" is redundant in this context, as "to some extent" is sufficient and more concise.
"children may realize their real passion and capabilities" -> "children may discover their genuine passions and abilities"
Explanation: "Discover" is more precise than "realize," and "genuine passions and abilities" sounds more formal and specific than "real passion and capabilities."
"children who are specialized in some certain subjects" -> "children who specialize in certain subjects"
Explanation: "Specialized in some certain subjects" is awkward and redundant; "specialize in certain subjects" is more natural and clear.
"may fail to understand other areas of studies" -> "may struggle to comprehend other academic disciplines"
Explanation: "Struggle to comprehend" is more precise and formal than "fail to understand," and "academic disciplines" is a more specific term than "areas of studies."
"having a good grasp of different subjects fosters students’ well-rounded development" -> "developing proficiency in various subjects enhances students’ comprehensive development"
Explanation: "Developing proficiency" is more specific than "having a good grasp," and "comprehensive development" is a more formal and precise term than "well-rounded development."
"can apply the knowledge learnt from another field to support his own major" -> "can apply knowledge gained from other fields to support their major"
Explanation: "Knowledge gained" is more formal than "knowledge learnt," and "their major" is more inclusive and correct than "his own major."
"it is highly suggested that students devote more time to some core subjects" -> "it is strongly recommended that students allocate more time to core subjects"
Explanation: "Strongly recommended" is more formal than "highly suggested," and "allocate" is more precise than "devote" in this context.
"the proficiency in their major, rather than their understanding of different fields determines their success" -> "their proficiency in their major, rather than their understanding of various disciplines, determines their success"
Explanation: "Various disciplines" is more formal and precise than "different fields," and the repetition of "their" clarifies the subject.
"it seems somehow unrealistic to expect the students to master every subject" -> "it appears unrealistic to expect students to master every subject"
Explanation: "Appears" is more formal than "seems," and removing "the" before "students" corrects the grammatical structure.
"each person is born with distinct talents, which should be encouraged and appericated" -> "each individual is born with distinct talents, which should be encouraged and appreciated"
Explanation: "Individual" is more formal than "person," and "appreciated" corrects the spelling error in "appericated."
"This may prevent students from being skeptical of their own ability" -> "This may prevent students from questioning their own abilities"
Explanation: "Questioning their own abilities" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea than "being skeptical of their own ability."
"it is their expertise on some certain subjects that decides their success" -> "it is their expertise in certain subjects that determines their success"
Explanation: "Determines" is more formal than "decides," and "in certain subjects" is grammatically correct compared to "on some certain subjects."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding whether older school children should learn a wide range of subjects or focus on a few in detail. The first paragraph outlines the argument for a broad education, mentioning benefits such as discovering passions and fostering well-rounded development. The second paragraph presents the opposing viewpoint, advocating for specialization and providing a rationale based on future success. However, the discussion could be more balanced, as the argument for a broad education is less developed compared to the argument for specialization.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay, the writer could provide more detailed examples and explanations for the benefits of a diverse education. This could include discussing how interdisciplinary knowledge can lead to innovation or adaptability in the workforce. Additionally, ensuring that both perspectives are equally explored would strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position favoring specialization, which is evident from the thesis statement and the concluding remarks. The writer consistently supports this stance with logical reasoning and examples. However, the transition between discussing both views and expressing a personal opinion could be smoother to reinforce the position throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer could use transitional phrases that explicitly link the discussion of both views back to their own opinion. For instance, after presenting the advantages of a broad education, a sentence could clearly state how these points relate to the writer’s preference for specialization.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, particularly in favor of specialization, and supports them with relevant examples, such as the engineering analogy. However, the development of ideas could be more thorough, especially regarding the benefits of a broad education. The examples provided are relevant but could be expanded to include more depth and variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with additional examples or explanations. For instance, discussing how a diverse educational background can lead to better problem-solving skills or creativity would provide a stronger foundation for the argument in favor of a broad education.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the educational strategies for older school children. However, there are moments where the discussion could stray slightly, such as when discussing the potential for job prospects without directly linking it back to the educational context.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the core question of educational strategies. It may be helpful to periodically refer back to the prompt within the body paragraphs to reinforce the relevance of each argument presented.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some adjustments to balance the discussion and deepen the analysis, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. The arguments are generally well-organized, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. For instance, the first body paragraph effectively outlines the benefits of a broad education, while the second emphasizes the importance of specialization. However, there are moments where the logical progression could be improved, such as the transition between the benefits of a varied education and the argument for specialization, which could be more explicitly linked.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer transition phrases between contrasting ideas. For example, after discussing the benefits of a broad education, explicitly state how this contrasts with the need for specialization. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, guiding the reader through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific viewpoint. The introduction and conclusion are also distinct, providing a clear framework for the essay. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from further subdivision to clarify the different points made about specialization and the limitations of a broad education.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider breaking down the second body paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the importance of specialization and the other discussing the limitations of trying to master every subject. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand," "despite the above mentioned ideas," and "for example," which help to connect ideas and provide examples. However, there are instances where cohesion could be enhanced, such as the use of pronouns and linking words. For example, the phrase "the reason is" is repeated, which can detract from the overall flow.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, try using synonyms or alternative phrases to avoid repetition. Instead of repeatedly using "the reason is," consider alternatives like "this is because" or "this highlights that." Additionally, incorporating more linking words such as "furthermore," "in contrast," and "consequently" can help to create smoother transitions between ideas and reinforce the relationships between different points.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, there are areas for improvement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By focusing on these aspects, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, such as "realize their real passion," "well-rounded development," and "distinct talents." However, the range is somewhat limited, and there are instances of repetition, such as the phrase "subjects" appearing frequently without variation. This limits the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "subjects," alternatives like "disciplines," "fields," or "areas of study" could be employed. Additionally, using more advanced vocabulary related to education and personal development would elevate the essay’s lexical quality.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "proficiency," "expertise," and "capabilities." However, there are moments of imprecision, particularly with phrases like "some certain subjects," which is redundant and awkward. The phrase "the reason is" is also used repetitively, which detracts from clarity and precision.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on clarity and conciseness. For example, replacing "some certain subjects" with "specific subjects" would improve precision. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using connectors more effectively could enhance the flow and clarity of arguments, making the vocabulary usage more impactful.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few errors, such as "appericated," which should be "appreciated." Such mistakes can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling of commonly used academic vocabulary can further enhance spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of lexical resource criteria, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating a wider variety of terms, ensuring precise language use, and carefully checking for spelling errors, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, which contributes to a more engaging and dynamic writing style. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "The reason is the proficiency in their major, rather than their understanding of different fields determines their success" showcases an ability to convey nuanced ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way ideas are introduced and developed. For example, phrases like "the reason is" and "the major advantage is" are used multiple times, which can detract from the overall variety of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences more strategically. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "the reason is," you could vary your transitions with phrases like "This is because," "One key factor is," or "An important aspect to consider is." Additionally, incorporating more passive voice constructions or conditional sentences can further enhance the range of grammatical structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays a solid command of grammar and punctuation, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "some certain subjects" is redundant, as "certain" already implies specificity. Additionally, the sentence "As a result, they can apply the knowledge learnt from another field to support his own major" contains a pronoun inconsistency, where "they" and "his" do not agree in number. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are a few instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, carefully proofread your work to catch redundancy and pronoun agreement errors. It may help to read the essay aloud, as this can highlight awkward phrasing or grammatical inconsistencies. For punctuation, familiarize yourself with the rules regarding comma usage, especially in complex sentences, to ensure clarity and fluidity in your writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

While some individuals maintain that older school children should pay equal attention to a variety of subjects, others contend that they should concentrate on a small number of subjects in detail. This essay will discuss both views and agree with the latter perspective.

On the one hand, taking lessons in different subjects benefits children to some extent. The major advantage is that children may discover their genuine passions and abilities by engaging in various disciplines. However, children who specialize in certain subjects may struggle to comprehend other academic disciplines, which could restrict their job prospects in the future. Additionally, developing proficiency in various subjects enhances students’ comprehensive development. As a result, they can apply knowledge gained from other fields to support their major. For example, a student who studies Medicine can utilize their English skills to read specialized materials in foreign languages.

Despite the aforementioned ideas, it is strongly recommended that students allocate more time to core subjects that they find beneficial for their future. The reason is that proficiency in their major, rather than their understanding of different fields, determines their success. For instance, whether an engineer can build a bridge or not primarily depends on their expertise and experience in the construction field, rather than their knowledge of English or any other unrelated subjects. Furthermore, it appears unrealistic to expect students to master every subject. Each individual is born with distinct talents, which should be encouraged and appreciated. This may prevent students from questioning their own abilities and motivate them to pursue their passions.

In conclusion, while studying a variety of subjects can provide broader job opportunities and support a student’s major, it is their expertise in certain subjects that ultimately determines their success.