Some people think that schools should teach young students about the role of money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some people think that schools should teach young students about the role of money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In this contemporary epoch, whether or not teaching young students about the importance of money should be part of the curriculum of educational institutions is a bone of contention. From my perspective, I partly agree with this suggestion based on some rationales that are explained further in this essay.
On the one hand, there exist two reasons why schools ought to provide lessons about money for young students. In this day and age, inflation has become a pervasive and prevalent issue around the world, weakening our purchasing power and degrading the value of our currency. Therefore, the ability to save money is of paramount importance as it helps individuals to produce substantial savings, providing them with flexibility to adapt to sudden changes in their lives and sufficient money to cover inflated living expenses. Unfortunately, young people often lack real-life abilities regarding financial matters since they are often shielded away frm them by their parents. Accordingly, if schools can provide lessons about money, it allows young students to have a better grasp of money management skills and secure financial well-being in their adulthood. Another point to make is that schools are known to be scientific in the ways they teach. More specifically, they usually adopt a highly pedagogical approach to education by implementing well-researched teaching methods and employing qualified teachers to deliver any piece of knowledge. These abilities, in turn, ensure that schools teach students in an academic manner, which offers deep insight into finance and safeguard a high level of efficiency and efficacy.
On the other hand, the provision of financial education by schools might be detrimental due to many serious repercussions. One of them is that it can exert an adverse impact on students’ mental well-being. Nowadays, expectations of parents towards their offsprings’ performance has significantly increased due to peer pressure and the demand for competent workers. This has resulted in an overloaded amount of academic knowledge, which are deemed to be exceptionally demanding, necessitating students to devote tremendous amounts of time and effort. The implications of this is burnout and a higher risk of many stress-related illnesses, taking a heavy toll on their mental health. Meanwhile, financial matters are generally complicated and require a considerable amount of time to learn. Hence, the inclusion of them in students’ programs is likely to further exacerbate the mental burden of students.
In conclusion, although equipping students with the role of money potentially wreaks havoc on young students’ mental health on the grounds that financial matters are taxing and demanding, it is my reaffirmation that schools should provide lessons about finance because this practice engenders a host of indisputable benefits.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In this contemporary epoch" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: "Epoch" is less commonly used to refer to a period of time in formal academic writing, whereas "era" is more precise and widely accepted in this context. -
"bone of contention" -> "point of contention"
Explanation: "Bone of contention" is an idiom that may sound informal and less precise in an academic context. "Point of contention" is a more formal and direct term. -
"partly agree" -> "partially agree"
Explanation: "Partly" is less formal and slightly archaic compared to "partially," which is more commonly used in academic writing. -
"there exist" -> "there are"
Explanation: "There exist" is unnecessarily formal and verbose; "there are" is more straightforward and appropriate for academic writing. -
"pervasive and prevalent" -> "widespread"
Explanation: "Pervasive and prevalent" is redundant; "widespread" effectively conveys the same meaning without repetition. -
"weakening our purchasing power and degrading the value of our currency" -> "eroding our purchasing power and devaluing our currency"
Explanation: "Eroding" and "devaluing" are more precise terms that better describe the effects of inflation on economic systems. -
"produce substantial savings" -> "generate significant savings"
Explanation: "Produce" is less specific in this context; "generate" is more accurate in describing the creation of savings. -
"shielded away frm" -> "shielded from"
Explanation: "Frm" is a typographical error; "from" is the correct preposition. -
"scientific in the ways they teach" -> "methodical in their teaching"
Explanation: "Scientific" is too broad and can be misleading; "methodical" specifically refers to the systematic approach in teaching. -
"pedagogical approach" -> "pedagogical methods"
Explanation: "Approach" is too vague; "methods" specifies the techniques used in teaching. -
"piece of knowledge" -> "body of knowledge"
Explanation: "Piece of knowledge" is informal and imprecise; "body of knowledge" is the correct term for a comprehensive collection of information. -
"exert an adverse impact" -> "have a negative impact"
Explanation: "Exert an adverse impact" is overly formal and verbose; "have a negative impact" is more direct and clear. -
"expectations of parents towards their offsprings’ performance" -> "parental expectations of their children’s performance"
Explanation: "Offsprings” is archaic and less formal; "children" is the standard term. Also, "parental expectations" is more precise than "expectations of parents." -
"an overloaded amount of academic knowledge" -> "an excessive amount of academic knowledge"
Explanation: "Overloaded" is not typically used to describe academic knowledge; "excessive" is more appropriate and formal. -
"are deemed to be exceptionally demanding" -> "are considered extremely demanding"
Explanation: "Deemed" is less direct and slightly archaic; "considered" is more straightforward and modern. -
"taking a heavy toll on their mental health" -> "having a significant impact on their mental health"
Explanation: "Taking a heavy toll" is an idiom; "having a significant impact" is more formal and precise. -
"engenders a host of indisputable benefits" -> "offers numerous undeniable benefits"
Explanation: "Engenders" is less common and slightly awkward in this context; "offers" is more natural and clear. "Undeniable" is also more precise than "indisputable" in this context.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding whether schools should teach students about the role of money. The author presents a partial agreement, which is a valid approach to the question. The first body paragraph outlines reasons in favor of financial education, such as the importance of money management skills and the pedagogical effectiveness of schools. However, the second body paragraph introduces a counterargument regarding potential negative impacts on mental health, which is relevant but could be more explicitly tied back to the question of whether schools should teach financial literacy.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could more clearly delineate how the benefits of financial education outweigh the drawbacks. Additionally, providing specific examples or evidence to support the claims made would strengthen the argument and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that schools should teach financial literacy, albeit with some reservations. The phrase "I partly agree" indicates a nuanced view, which is commendable. However, the conclusion could be more assertive in reinforcing the author’s stance, as it somewhat dilutes the strength of the position by reiterating concerns about mental health without clearly prioritizing the benefits.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the author should consistently emphasize the advantages of financial education throughout the essay. This could involve reiterating the importance of financial literacy in the conclusion and ensuring that counterarguments are presented as secondary to the main argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to financial education, such as the need for money management skills and the effectiveness of school teaching methods. However, some ideas are not fully extended or supported. For instance, the claim that financial education can lead to better financial well-being is made but not elaborated upon with specific examples or data. Similarly, the discussion on mental health impacts lacks depth and could benefit from more concrete examples or studies to substantiate the claims.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to elaborate on key points with specific examples, statistics, or anecdotal evidence. This would not only strengthen the arguments but also demonstrate a deeper engagement with the topic.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the role of money in education. However, the discussion of mental health, while relevant, could be seen as somewhat tangential to the main question of whether financial education should be included in school curricula. The author introduces this point but does not sufficiently connect it back to the central argument about the necessity of financial education.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the question of financial education in schools. This could involve framing the discussion of mental health in the context of how financial education could potentially alleviate stress by better preparing students for financial responsibilities, rather than solely presenting it as a negative consequence.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, but it could benefit from clearer connections between ideas, more robust support for claims, and a stronger emphasis on the main argument throughout.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction that outlines the writer’s perspective, followed by two main body paragraphs that discuss both sides of the argument. The first paragraph effectively argues in favor of teaching financial literacy, while the second paragraph presents counterarguments. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from the benefits of financial education to its potential drawbacks feels somewhat abrupt. For example, the phrase "On the other hand" is used, but the connection between the two ideas could be more explicitly stated to enhance logical flow.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that not only indicate a shift in perspective but also clarify the relationship between the ideas. For instance, phrases like "While there are benefits to teaching financial literacy, it is also important to consider the potential drawbacks" could help bridge the gap between the two arguments more effectively.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the reasons for teaching financial literacy, while the second addresses the potential negative impacts. However, the paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that encapsulate the main idea of each paragraph. For example, the first paragraph could start with a sentence that directly states the importance of financial education, rather than beginning with a general statement about the issue.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point. Additionally, consider using concluding sentences that summarize the paragraph’s content and link it back to the overall argument. This will help reinforce the coherence of the essay and guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("On the one hand," "Another point to make," "In conclusion") and conjunctions. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to include more varied expressions that enhance the flow of ideas. For example, the phrase "this has resulted in" is effective, but using synonyms or alternative phrases could make the writing more engaging and less repetitive.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "this" to refer back to previous statements, try using "such an approach," "these factors," or "this situation." Additionally, varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more dynamic writing style. Practice using different cohesive devices in practice essays to build familiarity and fluency.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, achieving a Band Score of 7. By focusing on enhancing logical transitions, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can be further improved to achieve a higher score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "contemporary epoch," "pervasive," "paramount importance," and "pedagogical approach." These choices reflect a good understanding of academic language and the ability to convey complex ideas. However, some phrases, such as "the implications of this is burnout," could be improved for clarity and grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "importance," you might use "significance" or "value." Additionally, aim to use more idiomatic expressions or collocations that are common in academic writing to further enrich the vocabulary.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay includes precise vocabulary in many instances, such as "financial education," "academic manner," and "mental well-being." However, there are moments of imprecision, such as "shielded away frm them," where "from" is misspelled, and "the role of money" in the conclusion could be more accurately stated as "financial literacy" or "money management skills" to align with the essay’s focus.
- How to improve: To improve precision, review the context in which specific terms are used. Ensure that the vocabulary accurately reflects the intended meaning. For example, replace vague terms with more specific ones, such as using "financial literacy" instead of "the role of money." Additionally, proofreading for spelling errors will enhance the overall precision of vocabulary.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays good spelling, but there are notable errors, such as "frm" instead of "from" and "offsprings’" which should be "offspring’s." These mistakes detract from the professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, implement a systematic proofreading process. After writing, take a break and then review the essay with fresh eyes, focusing specifically on spelling. Utilizing spell-check tools or apps can also help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic terms can build confidence and reduce mistakes in future essays.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling that could elevate the Lexical Resource score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and varied clause types. For example, the use of phrases like "whether or not teaching young students about the importance of money should be part of the curriculum" showcases the ability to construct complex ideas. Additionally, the use of conditional phrases, such as "if schools can provide lessons about money," indicates an understanding of conditional structures. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the second paragraph, where similar sentence beginnings are used, which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and transition phrases. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Another point to make is that," the writer could use alternatives like "Furthermore," or "In addition to this," to create a smoother flow and greater diversity in sentence structure. Additionally, integrating more compound-complex sentences could further enrich the essay.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally strong command of grammar, with few errors that do not impede understanding. However, there are notable mistakes, such as "shielded away frm them" (which should be "shielded from them") and "the implications of this is" (which should be "the implications of this are"). Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are some areas where commas could enhance clarity, such as in the phrase "which offers deep insight into finance and safeguard a high level of efficiency and efficacy," where a comma before "and" could clarify the separation of ideas.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch typographical errors and ensure subject-verb agreement. Practicing grammar exercises focused on common pitfalls, such as prepositions and verb forms, could be beneficial. Additionally, the writer should familiarize themselves with punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, to enhance clarity and readability.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the score further.
Bài sửa mẫu
In this contemporary era, whether or not teaching young students about the importance of money should be part of the curriculum of educational institutions is a point of contention. From my perspective, I partially agree with this suggestion based on some rationales that are explained further in this essay.
On the one hand, there are two reasons why schools ought to provide lessons about money for young students. In this day and age, inflation has become a widespread issue around the world, eroding our purchasing power and devaluing our currency. Therefore, the ability to save money is of paramount importance as it helps individuals to generate significant savings, providing them with the flexibility to adapt to sudden changes in their lives and sufficient money to cover inflated living expenses. Unfortunately, young people often lack real-life abilities regarding financial matters since they are often shielded from them by their parents. Accordingly, if schools can provide lessons about money, it allows young students to have a better grasp of money management skills and secure financial well-being in their adulthood. Another point to make is that schools are methodical in their teaching. More specifically, they usually adopt a highly pedagogical approach to education by implementing well-researched teaching methods and employing qualified teachers to deliver a body of knowledge. These abilities, in turn, ensure that schools teach students in an academic manner, which offers deep insight into finance and safeguards a high level of efficiency and efficacy.
On the other hand, the provision of financial education by schools might have a negative impact due to many serious repercussions. One of them is that it can exert an adverse impact on students’ mental well-being. Nowadays, parental expectations of their children’s performance have significantly increased due to peer pressure and the demand for competent workers. This has resulted in an excessive amount of academic knowledge, which is considered extremely demanding, necessitating students to devote tremendous amounts of time and effort. The implications of this are burnout and a higher risk of many stress-related illnesses, taking a heavy toll on their mental health. Meanwhile, financial matters are generally complicated and require a considerable amount of time to learn. Hence, the inclusion of them in students’ programs is likely to further exacerbate the mental burden of students.
In conclusion, although equipping students with knowledge about the role of money potentially wreaks havoc on young students’ mental health on the grounds that financial matters are taxing and demanding, it is my reaffirmation that schools should provide lessons about finance because this practice offers numerous undeniable benefits.