Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
There are some people who think that violent sport like boxing and martial arts,… should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. From my poin of view, I highly agree with this idea as the risks these sport bring are bigger than their benefits.
First of all, we can’t deny that sports involving violence equip people defence ability. Learning boxing or martial arts help individuals, especially women and the young can know skills to protect themselves. In Vietnam, parents tend to send their child to martial arts classes early to build up their defence skill. Beside, as the other sports, this type of sport also help practicer to impove their cardiovascular health and concentration.
However, the government still should ban showing violent sport on TV and holding in international competitions because of its danger. Watching sports involving violence can make people, especially children and teenager become more aggressive in mental and behaviours. As a result, they profit the violence of the sports to hurt other people and commit a crime. More over, participating in the competition is really risky, contestant may suffer from serious injuries or even fatal accidents. Reality has proven, there many contestants losed their lives, become disabled due to dangerous attacks from their competitors.
In conclusion, although violent – related sport can bring many benefits, they still should be prohibited from TV and international competition. People would rather take part in those sports just for defence skill or play other type of sport inteads.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"violent sport like boxing and martial arts," -> "violent sports such as boxing and martial arts"
Explanation: Adding "such as" after "like" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances the formality of the phrase, aligning it with academic style. -
"From my poin of view" -> "From my point of view"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the proper spelling of "point." -
"the risks these sport bring" -> "the risks these sports pose"
Explanation: "Pose" is a more precise verb in this context, indicating the presentation or introduction of risks, which is more appropriate than "bring." -
"equip people defence ability" -> "enhance people’s defensive abilities"
Explanation: "Enhance" is more precise than "equip," and "defensive abilities" is grammatically correct and more formal than "defence ability." -
"Learning boxing or martial arts help individuals" -> "Learning boxing or martial arts helps individuals"
Explanation: Corrects the verb agreement error from "help" to "helps" to match the singular subject "individuals." -
"Beside, as the other sports" -> "Besides, like other sports"
Explanation: "Besides" is the correct adverbial form for introducing a contrasting idea, and "like" is more appropriate than "as" in this context. -
"this type of sport also help practicer" -> "this type of sport also helps practitioners"
Explanation: Corrects the verb agreement error and uses "practitioners" to refer to those who practice these sports, which is more formal and accurate. -
"the government still should ban" -> "the government should still ban"
Explanation: Reversing the order of "should" and "still" corrects the grammatical structure for clarity and formality. -
"Watching sports involving violence can make people, especially children and teenager" -> "Watching sports involving violence can make individuals, particularly children and teenagers"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "particularly" is more precise than "especially" in academic writing. -
"they profit the violence of the sports to hurt other people and commit a crime" -> "they adopt the violent nature of these sports, leading to aggression and criminal behavior"
Explanation: "Adopt the violent nature" is a more precise and formal way to describe the influence of violent sports, and "leading to aggression and criminal behavior" is a clearer and more academic expression. -
"More over, participating in the competition is really risky" -> "Moreover, participating in these competitions is extremely risky"
Explanation: "Moreover" is the correct adverb for introducing an additional point, and "extremely" is more formal than "really." -
"contestant may suffer from serious injuries or even fatal accidents" -> "competitors may suffer serious injuries or even fatal accidents"
Explanation: "Competitors" is the correct term for those participating in competitions, and "serious" should not be modified by "from." -
"Reality has proven, there many contestants losed their lives" -> "Reality has shown that many contestants have lost their lives"
Explanation: "Reality has shown" is grammatically correct, and "have lost" corrects the verb tense and form to match the past context. -
"become disabled due to dangerous attacks from their competitors" -> "become disabled due to attacks from their competitors"
Explanation: Removing "dangerous" simplifies the phrase without losing meaning, as "attacks" inherently implies danger. -
"violent – related sport can bring many benefits" -> "violent sports can bring numerous benefits"
Explanation: "Violent sports" is grammatically correct, and "numerous" is a more formal and precise term than "many." -
"they still should be prohibited from TV and international competition" -> "they should still be prohibited from television broadcasts and international competitions"
Explanation: "Television broadcasts" and "international competitions" are more specific and formal terms than "TV" and "international competition." -
"People would rather take part in those sports just for defence skill" -> "Individuals may engage in these sports primarily for defensive purposes"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "engage in" is more precise than "take part in." "Defensive purposes" is also more formal than "defence skill." -
"play other type of sport inteads" -> "participate in other types of sports"
Explanation: "Participate in" is more formal than "play," and "types of sports" corrects the grammatical error and pluralizes "sport" for consistency.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a clear stance on the issue of banning violent sports from TV and international competitions. The introduction states the author’s agreement with the ban, and the body paragraphs provide reasons supporting this viewpoint. However, while the essay mentions some benefits of violent sports, such as self-defense skills and health benefits, it does not fully explore the extent of agreement or disagreement with the ban, which is a crucial aspect of the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response to the prompt, the author should explicitly state the extent of their agreement or disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, they could consider discussing potential compromises or alternative viewpoints, such as regulating violent sports rather than an outright ban, to provide a more nuanced response.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that violent sports should be banned, which is evident throughout the text. The author consistently supports this position with arguments about the dangers of violent sports and their impact on behavior. However, the transition between discussing the benefits and the reasons for the ban could be smoother, as the abrupt shift may confuse readers about the author’s stance.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the author should use transitional phrases to better connect the discussion of benefits to the reasons for the ban. For example, they could acknowledge the benefits before clearly stating that these do not outweigh the risks, thereby reinforcing their position.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the self-defense benefits of martial arts and the risks associated with violent sports. However, some points lack sufficient development and support. For instance, the claim that watching violent sports can lead to increased aggression in children is mentioned but not elaborated with specific examples or studies to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the author should provide more detailed examples and evidence for their claims. This could include statistics on aggression in children who watch violent sports or specific incidents that illustrate the dangers of participation in such sports. Additionally, expanding on the health benefits mentioned would provide a more balanced view.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the debate surrounding violent sports. However, there are moments where the relevance of certain points could be questioned, such as the mention of cardiovascular health benefits, which, while related to sports, does not directly support the argument for banning violent sports.
- How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, the author should ensure that all points made directly support the central argument. They could consider removing or rephrasing points that do not contribute to the discussion of banning violent sports, or clearly linking them back to the main argument to reinforce their relevance.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, but it could benefit from deeper exploration of ideas, clearer transitions, and a more nuanced approach to the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the topic, arguing for the banning of violent sports from TV and competitions. The introduction outlines the writer’s viewpoint, and the body paragraphs provide supporting arguments. However, the logical flow could be improved; for instance, the transition between the benefits of violent sports and the reasons for their ban feels abrupt. The essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences that guide the reader through the argumentation.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "Furthermore," "In contrast") would help to create smoother connections between ideas and paragraphs.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a positive aspect. However, the paragraphs could be more effectively structured. For example, the first body paragraph discusses both the benefits of violent sports and the rationale for their existence, which could be confusing for the reader. The conclusion also introduces new ideas rather than summarizing the main points.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. The first body paragraph could be split into two: one discussing the benefits of violent sports and another addressing the reasons for their ban. The conclusion should summarize the key arguments made in the essay rather than introducing new concepts. This will reinforce the main points and provide a clearer closure to the argument.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "however," and "in conclusion," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "as the other sports" is awkward and detracts from the clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., "In addition," "Consequently," "Despite this"). Additionally, ensuring that each cohesive device is used appropriately will enhance clarity. For instance, replacing vague phrases with more precise language can improve the overall coherence of the essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it tends to rely on common phrases and lacks variety in word choice. For instance, terms like "violent sport," "boxing," and "martial arts" are repeated without synonyms or related terms that could enhance the lexical variety. Additionally, phrases such as "bring many benefits" and "should be banned" are quite basic and could be expressed with more sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "violent sport," alternatives like "aggressive sports," "contact sports," or "combat sports" could be used. Furthermore, using phrases like "pose significant risks" instead of "bring risks" would elevate the language.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "equip people defence ability" is awkward and unclear; a more precise expression would be "enhance individuals’ self-defense skills." Additionally, the term "profit the violence of the sports" is incorrect; the intended meaning seems to be that individuals may imitate or be influenced by the violence.
- How to improve: Writers should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Practicing paraphrasing and using contextually appropriate terms can help. For example, instead of "profit the violence," one could say "emulate the violence depicted in these sports." Regularly reviewing word meanings and contexts can also aid in improving precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "poin" (point), "defence" (defense), "impove" (improve), "practicer" (practitioner), "child" (children), "more over" (moreover), "losed" (lost), and "inteads" (instead). These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, perhaps through exercises or apps designed for this purpose. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can help catch and correct spelling mistakes. Reading more extensively can also improve spelling by increasing familiarity with word forms and structures.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary relevant to the topic, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on correct spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it largely relies on simple and compound sentences. For example, the sentence "Learning boxing or martial arts help individuals, especially women and the young can know skills to protect themselves" attempts to combine ideas but lacks clarity and proper structure. The use of phrases like "First of all" and "However" indicates an attempt to organize thoughts, but the overall sentence variety is limited. More complex structures, such as conditional sentences or relative clauses, are underutilized.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences. For instance, the writer could use conditional forms (e.g., "If children watch violent sports, they may become more aggressive") or relative clauses (e.g., "Martial arts, which are often seen as violent, can also teach self-defense"). Engaging with a variety of sentence types will help convey ideas more effectively and demonstrate a higher level of grammatical proficiency.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, "these sport bring" should be "these sports bring," and "the other sports" should be "other sports." Additionally, phrases like "beside" should be "besides," and "practicer" should be "practitioner." Punctuation errors, such as the misuse of commas and the incorrect use of "…" instead of a period, also affect readability. The sentence "Reality has proven, there many contestants losed their lives" is grammatically incorrect and should be rephrased for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, pluralization, and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can help identify and correct these errors. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors before submission can enhance overall clarity. Reading more academic texts can also help the writer become familiar with proper sentence structure and punctuation usage.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy in future IELTS essays.
Bài sửa mẫu
There are some people who think that violent sports like boxing and martial arts should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. From my point of view, I highly agree with this idea as the risks these sports pose are greater than their benefits.
First of all, we can’t deny that sports involving violence equip people with defensive abilities. Learning boxing or martial arts helps individuals, especially women and the young, to know skills to protect themselves. In Vietnam, parents tend to send their children to martial arts classes early to build up their defensive skills. Besides, like other sports, this type of sport also helps practitioners to improve their cardiovascular health and concentration.
However, the government should still ban showing violent sports on TV and holding them in international competitions because of their dangers. Watching sports involving violence can make individuals, especially children and teenagers, become more aggressive in their mental state and behaviors. As a result, they may adopt the violent nature of these sports, leading to aggression and criminal behavior. Moreover, participating in these competitions is extremely risky; competitors may suffer serious injuries or even fatal accidents. Reality has shown that many contestants have lost their lives or become disabled due to dangerous attacks from their competitors.
In conclusion, although violent sports can bring numerous benefits, they should still be prohibited from TV broadcasts and international competitions. Individuals may engage in these sports primarily for defensive purposes or participate in other types of sports instead.
