Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while other think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while other think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people would argue that important factors such as money and appearance affect in success. In my opinion, however, success in life comes from hard work and determination.
On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why some people believe that success in life comes from money and appearance. The first recent is money can provide individuals changes to come to success more fluent. Nowadays, education often comes from with a price tag whether it is tuition fees for formal education of the cost of training and skill development. Moreover, Money able for people to pursue higher education attend workshops, enroll in courses that enhance their knowledge and skills, open the door to job opportunities, or take part in overseas schools. The second reason that is mentioned in this essay is personal appearance may play a role in certain industries such as fashion or entertainment, where physical appearance is often prioritized. In industries like fashion, where images and aesthetics are central, the first impression is very important. So, appearance is often the first thing others notice and it can influence initial judgments and perceptions. For example, Kendall Jenner, a renowned fashion model and reality TV personality, has become one of the world's most successful models, amassing millions from her career, celebrated for her striking figure, stunning features, and impeccable fashion sense.Another example is Tom Cruise, an actor and producer. He is one of the most popular and successful actors in Hollywood, and he has starred in many blockbuster films, such as Top Gun, Mission: Impossible, and Jerry Maguire. Cruise is known for his good looks, his charming personality, and his ability to perform action stunts.

On the other hand, I believe that Individuals who are willing to put in the effort and persist through challenges are more likely to achieve their goals, First and foremost, Persistence is a key component of resilience, the ability to bounce back from setbacks and adapt to adversity. Resilient individuals are better equipped to navigate obstacles and continue working towards their goals. Like J.K. Rowling was a single mother living on welfare when she wrote the first Harry Potter book. She was rejected by 12 different publishers before Bloomsbury agreed to publish the book. The Harry Potter series went on to become one of the most successful book series of all time. Besides, Hard work and determination also help individuals develop important skills like perseverance, resilience, and problem-solving, which can be useful in many areas of life.Persistence often involves finding solutions to problems and overcoming obstacles. This problem-solving skill can be applied in various contexts, from personal life challenges to complex work-related issues.
Additionally, while having gorgeous and luxurious properties along with a seducing outlook may contribute to a person's success, diligence and determination play the most sufficient role in the journey of becoming successful an individual.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Some people would argue that important factors such as money and appearance affect in success." -> "Some individuals contend that factors such as money and appearance contribute to success."
   Explanation: Replacing "would argue" with "contend" and "affect in success" with "contribute to success" refines the sentence structure and aligns it with more formal academic language.

2. "The first recent is money can provide individuals changes to come to success more fluent." -> "The first reason is that money can facilitate individuals’ progress towards success more easily."
   Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the meaning by replacing "changes to come to success more fluent" with "facilitate individuals’ progress towards success more easily."

3. "Money able for people to pursue higher education attend workshops" -> "Money enables individuals to pursue higher education and attend workshops."
   Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the meaning by replacing "Money able for people" with "Money enables individuals."

4. "personal appearance may play a role in certain industries such as fashion or entertainment" -> "personal appearance may influence certain industries such as fashion or entertainment"
   Explanation: Replacing "play a role" with "influence" provides a more precise and formal term suitable for academic writing.

5. "appearance is often the first thing others notice and it can influence initial judgments and perceptions" -> "appearance is often the first aspect others notice, which can influence initial judgments and perceptions"
   Explanation: Adds clarity and formality by specifying "aspect" and using a more formal structure.

6. "Kendall Jenner, a renowned fashion model and reality TV personality, has become one of the world’s most successful models, amassing millions from her career, celebrated for her striking figure, stunning features, and impeccable fashion sense." -> "Kendall Jenner, a renowned fashion model and reality TV personality, has become one of the world’s most successful models, earning millions from her career, celebrated for her striking figure, stunning features, and impeccable fashion sense."
   Explanation: Replacing "amassing" with "earning" provides a more precise and formal term, suitable for academic writing.

7. "Persistence is a key component of resilience, the ability to bounce back from setbacks and adapt to adversity." -> "Persistence is a fundamental aspect of resilience, encompassing the ability to recover from setbacks and adapt to adversity."
   Explanation: Replacing "key component" with "fundamental aspect" and "bounce back" with "recover" refines the language to be more formal and precise.

8. "Hard work and determination also help individuals develop important skills like perseverance, resilience, and problem-solving" -> "Hard work and determination also aid individuals in developing essential skills such as perseverance, resilience, and problem-solving"
   Explanation: Replacing "help" with "aid" and "important skills like" with "essential skills such as" enhances the formality and precision of the statement.

9. "Persistence often involves finding solutions to problems and overcoming obstacles." -> "Persistence often entails finding solutions to problems and overcoming obstacles."
   Explanation: Replacing "involves" with "entails" provides a more formal and precise verb choice.

10. "diligence and determination play the most sufficient role" -> "diligence and determination play the most significant role"
    Explanation: Replacing "sufficient" with "significant" corrects the misuse of "sufficient" in this context, as "sufficient" typically implies adequacy rather than importance.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding the factors contributing to success in life. It presents arguments for the importance of money and appearance in the first half, citing relevant examples such as Kendall Jenner and Tom Cruise to illustrate how these factors can lead to success in specific industries. The second half of the essay clearly articulates the author’s opinion that hard work and determination are more critical, supported by the example of J.K. Rowling. However, the introduction could be clearer in stating that both views will be discussed before presenting the author’s opinion.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response to all parts of the question, the introduction should explicitly outline that both perspectives will be discussed before stating the author’s opinion. This would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader and ensure that all elements of the prompt are addressed from the outset.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that hard work and determination are paramount to success. This stance is consistently supported throughout the essay, particularly in the second half where the author emphasizes resilience and the ability to overcome challenges. However, the transition between discussing the two views could be smoother, as the shift from the first perspective to the author’s opinion feels somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency in presenting the position, the author could use transitional phrases that signal the shift from discussing the opposing view to their own. For example, phrases like "While some may argue…" or "Conversely…" can help guide the reader through the argument more fluidly.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the second half where the author discusses persistence and resilience. The use of specific examples, such as J.K. Rowling’s journey, effectively illustrates the argument. However, some points, particularly in the first half, could benefit from further development. For instance, the discussion about money providing opportunities could include more detailed examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development and support of ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. This could involve elaborating on how money can lead to success beyond just access to education, perhaps by discussing networking opportunities or the ability to invest in personal branding.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the factors contributing to success. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the mention of "gorgeous and luxurious properties" in the conclusion feels somewhat disconnected from the main arguments presented earlier in the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central theme of success. It may be helpful to outline key points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument without introducing unrelated ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some refinements in clarity, development of ideas, and focus, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with distinct sections addressing both views on success. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and states the writer’s opinion. The body paragraphs are organized into two main parts: one discussing the role of money and appearance, and the other focusing on hard work and determination. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing money to personal appearance lacks a clear connective phrase, which can disrupt the reader’s understanding of how these ideas relate.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. For example, after discussing money, a phrase like "In addition to financial resources, personal appearance also plays a significant role…" could create a smoother transition. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can help guide the reader through the argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could benefit from clearer internal organization. For example, the paragraph discussing money and appearance contains multiple ideas that could be more effectively separated into distinct paragraphs. The examples provided, while relevant, could be better integrated into the argument to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones, each focusing on a single idea or example. For instance, the paragraph discussing the influence of personal appearance could be split into two: one focusing on the importance of appearance in the fashion industry and another discussing the broader implications of appearance in various fields. This would help maintain clarity and keep the reader engaged.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting views. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some sentences lack clear connections, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument. For example, phrases like "Moreover" and "Additionally" are used, but the essay could benefit from more varied devices to enhance cohesion.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Furthermore," "In contrast," or "Conversely" can help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help maintain flow and reduce repetition. For example, instead of repeating "money," you could use "financial resources" or "capital" in subsequent mentions.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the logical flow, paragraph organization, and variety of cohesive devices will contribute to a stronger overall performance in coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms like "determination," "persistence," "resilience," and "opportunities." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat limited or repetitive. For example, the phrase "money can provide individuals changes to come to success more fluent" is awkward and lacks clarity. Additionally, the use of "important factors" and "success" is repeated without variation, which detracts from the overall lexical richness.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "success," alternatives like "achievement," "accomplishment," or "prosperity" could be employed. Furthermore, restructuring phrases for clarity, such as changing "money can provide individuals changes to come to success more fluent" to "money can provide individuals with opportunities to achieve success more easily," would improve both clarity and vocabulary use.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "money able for people to pursue higher education" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The term "first recent is" is also confusing and does not convey the intended meaning. Additionally, the phrase "gorgeous and luxurious properties along with a seducing outlook" could be more accurately expressed as "attractive and luxurious properties along with an appealing appearance."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity in expression. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases. Using a thesaurus to find more suitable words can also aid in achieving precise vocabulary. For instance, instead of "seducing outlook," the writer could use "appealing appearance," which conveys the intended meaning more effectively.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "important factors such as money and appearance affect in success" (should be "affect success") and "the first recent is money can provide individuals changes to come to success more fluent" (which includes multiple errors). These mistakes can distract the reader and undermine the overall quality of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, ideally after a break to gain a fresh perspective. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay backward (from the end to the beginning) can help catch spelling errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or using flashcards for commonly misspelled words can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "In my opinion, however, success in life comes from hard work and determination" effectively uses a complex structure. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of varied sentence types, which can make the writing feel monotonous. For example, many sentences begin with "The first reason" or "Another example is," which limits the variety of sentence openings.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer should experiment with different ways to start sentences. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "The first reason," they could use phrases like "One significant factor is…" or "To illustrate this point, consider…". Additionally, incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses can add depth to the writing. For example, "While money can facilitate opportunities, it is ultimately hard work that leads to lasting success."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, the phrase "money can provide individuals changes to come to success more fluent" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "money can provide individuals with opportunities to achieve success more easily." There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, which can confuse the reader. For example, "Individuals who are willing to put in the effort and persist through challenges are more likely to achieve their goals, First and foremost," should have a period instead of a comma after "goals."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work to catch errors before submission. They could also benefit from reviewing common grammatical structures and punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences. Practicing sentence rephrasing can help clarify meaning and improve grammatical correctness. Additionally, using grammar-checking tools can assist in identifying errors that may be overlooked during the writing process.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument and addresses the prompt effectively, there is room for improvement in both the range of sentence structures and grammatical accuracy. By diversifying sentence openings and enhancing grammatical precision, the writer can elevate their writing to achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some people would argue that important factors such as money and appearance affect success. In my opinion, however, success in life comes from hard work and determination.

On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why some people believe that success in life comes from money and appearance. The first reason is that money can provide individuals with opportunities to achieve success more easily. Nowadays, education often comes with a price tag, whether it is tuition fees for formal education or the cost of training and skill development. Moreover, money enables people to pursue higher education, attend workshops, enroll in courses that enhance their knowledge and skills, open the door to job opportunities, or take part in overseas programs. The second reason mentioned in this essay is that personal appearance may play a role in certain industries such as fashion or entertainment, where physical appearance is often prioritized. In industries like fashion, where images and aesthetics are central, the first impression is very important. So, appearance is often the first thing others notice, and it can influence initial judgments and perceptions. For example, Kendall Jenner, a renowned fashion model and reality TV personality, has become one of the world’s most successful models, amassing millions from her career, celebrated for her striking figure, stunning features, and impeccable fashion sense. Another example is Tom Cruise, an actor and producer. He is one of the most popular and successful actors in Hollywood, and he has starred in many blockbuster films, such as Top Gun, Mission: Impossible, and Jerry Maguire. Cruise is known for his good looks, charming personality, and ability to perform action stunts.

On the other hand, I believe that individuals who are willing to put in the effort and persist through challenges are more likely to achieve their goals. First and foremost, persistence is a key component of resilience, the ability to bounce back from setbacks and adapt to adversity. Resilient individuals are better equipped to navigate obstacles and continue working towards their goals. For instance, J.K. Rowling was a single mother living on welfare when she wrote the first Harry Potter book. She was rejected by 12 different publishers before Bloomsbury agreed to publish the book. The Harry Potter series went on to become one of the most successful book series of all time. Besides, hard work and determination also help individuals develop important skills like perseverance, resilience, and problem-solving, which can be useful in many areas of life. Persistence often involves finding solutions to problems and overcoming obstacles. This problem-solving skill can be applied in various contexts, from personal life challenges to complex work-related issues. Additionally, while having gorgeous and luxurious properties along with an attractive appearance may contribute to a person’s success, diligence and determination play the most significant role in the journey of becoming a successful individual.