Some people think that the best way to minimize bullying in schools is of parent's responsibility. Others think otherwise, suggesting that the best way to minimize it is of the school's. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

The ubiquitous presence of violence in the contemporary society has raised and observed clearly in many schools. Some argue that declining those bullying belong to parental and maternity duties, while others believe that this belongs to the education duty at schools. In this essay, I will depict both perspectives as a balanced viewpoint.
It is noted that the violence comes from the way each parents teach those children, so parents has contributed to be responsible for their children' actions. Initially, young generations deal with non-care state of those adults, especially due to their observation from their parents. This lead them to imitate those violent behaviors and unaware of their negative actions. The result shown that they have lost of autonomy and behave as a victim. As a result, to decrease the violent phenomenon, parents should manipulate teenagers about the dark sides of bullying then direct them to avoid those behaviors.
On the other hand, the education of school still has the correlation of duty, dropping the consequences. In reality, almost harmful cruelty emerged in schools, affecting on young people mentality as following from their peers. Consequently, the absence of teachers seems to be the greater choice to tackle the violence between those children. Besides, to curb those fallible natures of individuals, teachers can depict directly impacts of being an offence such as discriminated by others, or even received critical social sights, etc. This contribute to enhance themself as a better version.
In conclusion, although parent' duty is crucial for educating, the quality of education in schools can also minimize the bully issues. From both sides, teenagers can upgrade their mindset that avoiding bullying, as well as not become a victim.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"ubiquitous presence" -> "widespread presence"
Explanation: "Ubiquitous" can be seen as overly formal and slightly archaic in this context. "Widespread" is more commonly used in academic writing and maintains the formal tone while being more precise.
"raised and observed clearly" -> "clearly evident"
Explanation: The phrase "raised and observed clearly" is awkward and unclear. "Clearly evident" simplifies and clarifies the statement, enhancing readability and formality.
"declining those bullying" -> "reducing bullying"
Explanation: "Declining those bullying" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Reducing bullying" is grammatically correct and more direct, fitting the formal academic style better.
"belong to parental and maternity duties" -> "falls under parental and maternal responsibilities"
Explanation: "Belong to" is vague and informal; "falls under" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. Also, "maternity" should be "maternal" to match the plural form "duties" and maintain grammatical consistency.
"the education duty at schools" -> "the educational responsibilities at schools"
Explanation: "The education duty" is awkward and unclear. "The educational responsibilities" is more specific and appropriate for an academic context.
"It is noted that the violence comes from the way each parents teach those children" -> "It is observed that violence originates from the manner in which parents teach their children"
Explanation: "It is noted" is somewhat informal and vague; "It is observed" is more formal. Also, "each parents" should be "parents" for grammatical correctness, and "those children" should be "their children" for possessive agreement.
"so parents has contributed to be responsible" -> "therefore, parents have contributed to being responsible"
Explanation: "So" is too informal for academic writing; "therefore" is more appropriate. "Has" should be "have" for subject-verb agreement, and "to be responsible" should be "to being responsible" for grammatical correctness.
"young generations deal with non-care state of those adults" -> "young generations face a lack of care from adults"
Explanation: "Deal with non-care state" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. "Face a lack of care from adults" is clearer and grammatically correct, enhancing readability and formality.
"This lead them to imitate those violent behaviors" -> "This leads them to imitate these violent behaviors"
Explanation: "This lead" should be "This leads" for subject-verb agreement, and "those" should be "these" for referring to the previously mentioned behaviors directly.
"have lost of autonomy" -> "have lost autonomy"
Explanation: "Have lost of autonomy" is grammatically incorrect. "Have lost autonomy" is the correct form, maintaining grammatical accuracy.
"manipulate teenagers about the dark sides of bullying" -> "educate teenagers about the negative aspects of bullying"
Explanation: "Manipulate" can be misleading and informal; "educate" is more appropriate and clear in this context. "Dark sides" is somewhat informal and vague; "negative aspects" is more precise and formal.
"the education of school still has the correlation of duty, dropping the consequences" -> "school education still has a correlation with the consequences of duty"
Explanation: "The education of school" is awkward and unclear; "school education" is more direct. "Dropping the consequences" is unclear; "a correlation with the consequences of duty" clarifies the relationship between education and consequences.
"almost harmful cruelty emerged in schools" -> "almost all harmful incidents of cruelty emerged in schools"
Explanation: "Almost harmful cruelty" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Almost all harmful incidents of cruelty" is grammatically correct and provides a clearer description.
"affecting on young people mentality" -> "affecting the mentalities of young people"
Explanation: "Affecting on" is grammatically incorrect; "affecting the mentalities of" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"the absence of teachers seems to be the greater choice to tackle the violence between those children" -> "the absence of teachers appears to be a more effective approach to addressing violence among children"
Explanation: "Seems to be the greater choice" is informal and vague; "appears to be a more effective approach" is more precise and formal. "Between those children" should be "among children" for grammatical correctness and clarity.
"curb those fallible natures of individuals" -> "address the fallible nature of individuals"
Explanation: "Curb those fallible natures" is awkward and unclear; "address the fallible nature" is

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both perspectives on the responsibility for minimizing bullying, discussing parental influence and the role of schools. However, the analysis lacks depth in exploring how each perspective can be implemented effectively. For instance, while it mentions that parents should educate their children about bullying, it does not provide specific strategies or examples of how this can be achieved. Similarly, the discussion on schools touches on the issue but fails to elaborate on concrete measures that schools can take to combat bullying.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay could include specific examples of parental strategies (e.g., open communication, role-playing scenarios) and school initiatives (e.g., anti-bullying programs, teacher training) that could effectively address bullying. This would provide a more comprehensive view of both sides of the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general opinion that both parents and schools have roles in minimizing bullying. However, the position is somewhat ambiguous, particularly in the conclusion, which suggests a balance without clearly stating which side is more important. Phrases like "to decrease the violent phenomenon" and "can also minimize the bully issues" indicate a lack of decisiveness in the author’s stance.
- How to improve: To clarify the position, the writer should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. A more definitive conclusion that clearly favors one side while acknowledging the other would strengthen the overall argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both parental and school responsibilities but lacks sufficient elaboration and support. For example, the point about parents teaching children about the "dark sides of bullying" is mentioned but not developed further. Additionally, the statement about teachers depicting the impacts of being an offender is vague and could benefit from more detail.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to expand on each idea presented, providing examples, statistics, or anecdotes that illustrate the points made. This would not only strengthen the argument but also engage the reader more effectively.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing bullying and the roles of parents and schools. However, some sentences veer off into vague territory, such as "the greater choice to tackle the violence," which could confuse readers about the main argument. Additionally, phrases like "the absence of teachers seems to be the greater choice" are unclear and could mislead the reader.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each sentence directly relates to the central argument and avoid ambiguous language. Clear and precise wording will help keep the discussion relevant and on track.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents both sides of the argument, it would benefit from deeper analysis, clearer positioning, and more concrete examples to support the claims made.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, discussing both perspectives on the responsibility of minimizing bullying. The introduction outlines the topic and states the intention to discuss both views. Each body paragraph addresses one perspective, which helpsin maintaining a logical flow. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing parental responsibility to school responsibility lacks a clear transitional phrase, which could confuse readers about the relationship between the two viewpoints.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear transitional phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" to delineate the two perspectives more effectively. Additionally, summarizing the main points at the end of each paragraph can reinforce the logical progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific viewpoint. However, some paragraphs could be better structured. For instance, the first body paragraph contains several ideas that could be broken down into smaller, more focused sections. This would allow for a clearer exploration of each point.
- How to improve: When writing paragraphs, aim for a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Follow this with supporting sentences that elaborate on the topic. For example, the first body paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on parental influence and another on the consequences of that influence on children’s behavior.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the other hand" and "as a result," which help in linking ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used incorrectly or awkwardly, such as "the absence of teachers seems to be the greater choice to tackle the violence." This can lead to confusion and disrupt the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," and "consequently." Additionally, ensure that the cohesive devices used are appropriate for the context. For example, instead of "the greater choice," a more suitable phrase could be "a significant factor" or "a critical role."

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to an improved band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. For instance, terms like "ubiquitous presence," "violent behaviors," and "harmful cruelty" show an effort to incorporate more sophisticated language. However, phrases such as "the way eachparents teach those children" and "the absence of teachers seems to be the greater choice" indicate a limited range and awkward phrasing that detracts from clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and alternative expressions. For example, instead of "the way each parents teach those children," a more varied expression could be "the methods employed by parents in educating their children." Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises could help in this regard.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, "has raised and observed clearly" is awkward and unclear. Additionally, "manipulate teenagers about the dark sides of bullying" suggests a negative connotation that may not be appropriate in this context. The phrase "the education of school still has the correlation of duty" is also vague and poorly constructed.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. For instance, replacing "manipulate" with "educate" would convey a more positive and accurate intention. Furthermore, revising "the education of school" to "the role of schools in education" would enhance clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that affect readability. For example, "parents" is incorrectly used as "each parents," and "has contributed" should be "have contributed" to agree with the plural subject. Additionally, "those violent behaviors and unaware of their negative actions" lacks proper structure and clarity.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, ideally reading it aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing common spelling patterns can also be beneficial. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly may help reinforce correct spelling.

By addressing these areas of vocabulary use, precision, and spelling, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource for future IELTS essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the sentence "Some argue that declining those bullying belong to parental and maternity duties, while others believe that this belongs to the education duty at schools" attempts to use a complex structure. However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences following a similar pattern, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. Additionally, certain phrases, such as "the violence comes from the way each parents teach those children," show awkward construction and lack of clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses effectively. For example, instead of saying "parents has contributed to be responsible for their children’ actions," you could say, "parents have a significant responsibility for their children’s actions, as their behavior often reflects what they observe at home." Experimenting with different sentence beginnings and using a mix of active and passive voice can also add depth to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("parents has contributed" should be "parents have contributed") and incorrect possessive forms ("children’ actions" should be "children’s actions"). Punctuation is also inconsistent; for example, the phrase "the absence of teachers seems to be the greater choice to tackle the violence between those children" could benefit from clearer punctuation to enhance readability. Additionally, the use of commas is often missing or misapplied, which can disrupt the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to review subject-verb agreement and possessive forms. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on these areas can help solidify understanding. Furthermore, proofreading for punctuation errors before submission can enhance clarity. Consider reading the essay aloud to identify awkward phrasing or missing punctuation, as this can help catch mistakes that may not be immediately obvious when reading silently.

By addressing these areas for improvement, you can work towards a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The widespread presence of violence in contemporary society is clearly evident in many schools. Some argue that reducing bullying falls under parental and maternal responsibilities, while others believe that it is primarily the educational responsibilities at schools. In this essay, I will discuss both perspectives and provide a balanced viewpoint.

It is observed that violence originates from the manner in which parents teach their children, and therefore, parents have contributed to being responsible for their children’s actions. Initially, young generations face a lack of care from adults, especially due to their observations of their parents. This leads them to imitate these violent behaviors, often unaware of the negative consequences of their actions. The result shows that they have lost autonomy and may behave as victims. To decrease this violent phenomenon, parents should educate teenagers about the negative aspects of bullying and guide them to avoid such behaviors.

On the other hand, the educational responsibilities at schools still have a significant correlation with the consequences of bullying. In reality, almost all harmful incidents of cruelty emerge in schools, affecting the mentalities of young people as they follow the examples set by their peers. Consequently, the absence of teachers appears to be a less effective approach to addressing violence among children. Furthermore, to tackle the fallible nature of individuals, teachers can illustrate the direct impacts of being an offender, such as facing discrimination from others or receiving critical social scrutiny. This contributes to helping students develop into better versions of themselves.

In conclusion, although parental duty is crucial for education, the quality of education in schools can also play a vital role in minimizing bullying issues. From both sides, teenagers can enhance their mindset to avoid bullying and not become victims themselves.