Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe that there are better alternative ways of reducing crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Although it is sometimes thought that higher penalty is an effective means of decreasing felony, other people believe that there are more improved methods to curb scandals. In my opinion, I consider that lengthy years of imprisonment is more appropriate.
On the one hand, some people think longer prison is better as criminals are keep off streets and this prevents them and others from re-offending so often, and I agree. In other words, if criminals who commit a violent offense are in detention for several years, they are given longer time to think about their life and become a better person. Also, extending years in jail serve as a deterrent to other who might want to commit similar atrocities. For example, in Nigeria, the number of rapists have seen significant reduction ever since criminals of such acts are being sentenced to life imprisonment. Thus, this has helped to eliminate the number of occurrence of crime. Further more, continuing penalty means that society is effectively protected. That is to say, when criminals who are a threat to the society are convicted to longer years in jail it would return peace and harmony back to the society. Therefore, reducing the incidence of reported heinous crime.
On the other hand, it is often believed that it is better if the focus is to build a greater society rather than the punishment. This is because the cost to keep a prisoner for extended year can cost a fortune and the responsibility is often posed on tax paying citizens. So, justice system should divert their attention to ways in which criminals serve the society instead of the way round. For example, in Japan, if one person steals property, he would stay 30days in an orphanage with foreign children that lost everything, thus, this policy reduced the crime rate. Another reason is that prison focuses on retribution but not on training and rehabilitation programme. Other better methods should be devise in which villains are taught, equipped with skills, knowledge and resources to become a better person. Thus, making the society free of crime.
In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions. I think that locking up lawbreakers for years are more advantageous as it discourages more crime and return serenity and tranquillity to the community

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Errors and Improvements:

"Although it is sometimes thought that higher penalty is an effective means of decreasing felony, other people believe that there are more improved methods to curb scandals." -> "While some argue that imposing harsher penalties is an effective deterrent to felony, others believe that more sophisticated methods exist to prevent criminal activities."
Explanation: Replacing "higher penalty" with "imposing harsher penalties" and "decreasing felony" with "deterrent to felony" enhances the formality and precision of the sentence.
"In my opinion, I consider that lengthy years of imprisonment is more appropriate." -> "In my view, extended periods of incarceration are more appropriate."
Explanation: The original sentence contains redundant phrasing. By simplifying and using "In my view" instead of "In my opinion, I consider that," the statement becomes more concise and maintains a formal tone.
"On the one hand, some people think longer prison is better as criminals are keep off streets and this prevents them and others from re-offending so often, and I agree." -> "On one hand, proponents argue that longer prison sentences are preferable as they keep criminals off the streets, preventing them and others from frequent re-offending—a view with which I concur."
Explanation: The improved version streamlines the expression, replacing informal language with more formal alternatives like "proponents" and "prevalent re-offending."
"For example, in Nigeria, the number of rapists have seen significant reduction ever since criminals of such acts are being sentenced to life imprisonment." -> "For instance, in Nigeria, the incidence of rape has significantly decreased since perpetrators of such acts began receiving life imprisonment sentences."
Explanation: The correction addresses subject-verb agreement ("number of rapists have" to "incidence of rape has") and replaces the informal "seen" with "decreased."
"Further more, continuing penalty means that society is effectively protected." -> "Furthermore, persistent penalties ensure that society is effectively safeguarded."
Explanation: The correction replaces the two separate words "further more" with the formal and cohesive "Furthermore."
"That is to say, when criminals who are a threat to the society are convicted to longer years in jail it would return peace and harmony back to the society." -> "In other words, sentencing criminals who pose a threat to society to longer terms in jail would restore peace and harmony to the community."
Explanation: The revised sentence improves clarity and uses more formal language, replacing "convicted to longer years" with "sentencing…to longer terms."
"So, justice system should divert their attention to ways in which criminals serve the society instead of the way round." -> "Therefore, the justice system should redirect its focus towards methods in which criminals contribute to society, rather than the opposite."
Explanation: The correction introduces a more formal transition ("Therefore") and replaces the informal "the way round" with "the opposite."
"Another reason is that prison focuses on retribution but not on training and rehabilitation programme." -> "Additionally, prisons often emphasize retribution rather than comprehensive training and rehabilitation programs."
Explanation: The improved version maintains formality, using "Additionally" and replacing the informal "programme" with "programs."
"Other better methods should be devise in which villains are taught, equipped with skills, knowledge and resources to become a better person." -> "More effective methods should be devised to educate and equip individuals, even those with criminal tendencies, with the necessary skills, knowledge, and resources for personal improvement."
Explanation: The correction enhances formality and clarity, replacing "Other better methods" with "More effective methods" and refining the expression of the idea.
"While people may vary in their opinions. I think that locking up lawbreakers for years are more advantageous as it discourages more crime and return serenity and tranquillity to the community." -> "While opinions may vary, I believe that imprisoning lawbreakers for extended periods is more advantageous as it serves as a deterrent, contributing to the restoration of serenity and tranquility in the community."
Explanation: The correction addresses subject-verb agreement ("locking up lawbreakers for years are" to "imprisoning lawbreakers for extended periods is") and refines the expression of the idea for a more formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Quoted text: "Although it is sometimes thought that higher penalty is an effective means of decreasing felony, other people believe that there are more improved methods to curb scandals. In my opinion, I consider that lengthy years of imprisonment is more appropriate."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction lacks clarity regarding your stance on the issue. While you state that longer imprisonment is more appropriate, it would be beneficial to explicitly mention this as your opinion. Additionally, consider rephrasing the sentence for better coherence and conciseness.
- Improved example: "While some argue for the effectiveness of harsher penalties in reducing crime, others advocate for alternative methods. In my view, I believe that longer prison sentences are a more suitable solution."
Quoted text: "On the one hand, some people think longer prison is better as criminals are keep off streets and this prevents them and others from re-offending so often, and I agree."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your argument lacks depth and clarity. Instead of merely stating agreement, delve into specific reasons and examples to support the idea that longer prison sentences prevent re-offending. Provide concrete instances or hypothetical scenarios to strengthen your point.
- Improved example: "One compelling reason for advocating longer prison sentences is the effective removal of criminals from the streets, thereby reducing the likelihood of re-offending. For instance, a prolonged incarceration period allows individuals the time to reflect on their actions and potentially reform."
Quoted text: "In other words, if criminals who commit a violent offense are in detention for several years, they are given longer time to think about their life and become a better person."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While the idea is presented, it lacks elaboration. Expand on how extended prison time facilitates personal reflection and transformation. Offer specific examples or scenarios to illustrate this point and make your argument more convincing.
- Improved example: "Extended periods of incarceration provide individuals convicted of violent offenses with ample time for introspection and personal growth. For instance, a study conducted in [mention a hypothetical study or real-life example] demonstrated a significant decrease in recidivism among individuals who underwent prolonged imprisonment."
Quoted text: "Also, extending years in jail serve as a deterrent to other who might want to commit similar atrocities. For example, in Nigeria, the number of rapists have seen significant reduction ever since criminals of such acts are being sentenced to life imprisonment."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This point is well-made, providing a clear example. However, consider providing more details on the source of this information or any supporting statistics to strengthen the credibility of your argument.
- Improved example: "Furthermore, the imposition of extended jail terms serves as a powerful deterrent to potential offenders. For instance, data from [cite a reputable source or study] in Nigeria reveals a noteworthy decrease in the number of reported rape cases following the implementation of life sentences for such criminals."
Quoted text: "Thus, this has helped to eliminate the number of occurrence of crime."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The conclusion of this paragraph lacks precision and could benefit from a more nuanced statement. Instead of a broad claim, specify the ways in which the reduction in occurrence of crime has been observed.
- Improved example: "Consequently, this stringent approach has contributed significantly to the decline in reported crimes, particularly in cases of violent offenses, fostering a safer societal environment."
Quoted text: "On the other hand, it is often believed that it is better if the focus is to build a greater society rather than the punishment."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While you introduce the opposing view, the sentence is somewhat vague. Elaborate on the perspective that advocates for building a greater society. Provide specific examples or reasoning to strengthen this counterargument.
- Improved example: "Conversely, an alternative viewpoint posits that a more effective approach involves focusing on societal improvement rather than punitive measures. For instance, proponents of this stance argue for community-based initiatives and educational programs as more sustainable methods of reducing crime."
Quoted text: "This is because the cost to keep a prisoner for extended year can cost a fortune and the responsibility is often posed on tax-paying citizens."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The point is valid, but it lacks depth. Provide more information on the financial burden imposed on taxpayers and consider introducing a relevant example or comparison to illustrate the cost-effectiveness of alternative methods.
- Improved example: "This argument is grounded in the financial strain of prolonged imprisonment on taxpayers. To illustrate, [introduce a specific example or comparison], highlighting the economic efficiency of alternative crime prevention strategies."
Quoted text: "So, justice system should divert their attention to ways in which criminals serve the society instead of the way round."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The sentence is unclear and could benefit from rephrasing for better coherence. Clearly articulate how the justice system can redirect its focus and provide a concise rationale for the suggested shift.
- Improved example: "Therefore, proponents of this perspective suggest a redirection of the justice system’s attention towards initiatives that encourage criminals to contribute positively to society. For example, [cite a specific program or policy] has demonstrated success in facilitating offender reintegration and community service."
Quoted text: "For example, in Japan, if one person steals property, he would stay 30 days in an orphanage with foreign children that lost everything, thus, this policy reduced the crime rate."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The example is compelling, but consider providing more context or details regarding the effectiveness of this policy in reducing the crime rate. Elaborate on how this approach contributes to both punishment and societal improvement.
- Improved example: "Illustratively, in Japan, a unique policy stipulates that individuals convicted of property theft spend 30 days in an orphanage with foreign children who have experienced significant losses. This innovative approach not only serves as a form of punishment but also actively contributes to community building, resulting in a demonstrable reduction in the overall crime rate."
Quoted text: "In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions. I think that locking up lawbreakers for years is more advantageous as it discourages more crime and returns serenity and tranquility to the community."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The conclusion effectively restates your position; however, consider summarizing the main supporting points briefly to reinforce the strength of your argument.
- Improved example: "In conclusion, despite differing opinions, the evidence suggests that extended imprisonment is more advantageous in discouraging crime and restoring serenity to the community. The multifaceted benefits, including deterrence and societal protection, underscore the efficacy of this approach in addressing the complex issue of crime."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates overall coherence and cohesion. Ideas are presented in a logical order with clear progression. However, there are instances of faulty cohesion, such as awkward phrasing and mechanical use of cohesive devices. Paragraphing is used, but not always logically, and there are minor issues with referencing and substitution.
How to improve: Focus on refining sentence structures for smoother cohesion. Ensure cohesive devices are used naturally and appropriately. Work on more strategic paragraphing to enhance overall organization. Additionally, pay attention to referencing and substitution to avoid repetitive language.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, incorporating both common and less common lexical items. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, although with some inaccuracies. For instance, the phrase "scandals" could be better replaced with "crimes," and "lengthy years of imprisonment" might benefit from a more precise term such as "extended prison sentences." Some errors in spelling and word formation are present but do not impede overall communication. The essay contains some grammatical errors, such as "criminals are keep off streets," which affects overall language accuracy.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, consider using a more varied and precise vocabulary. Replace repetitive phrases, such as "lengthy years in jail," with alternative expressions. Proofread the essay for grammatical errors to ensure clarity and accuracy. Additionally, aim for more sophisticated sentence structures and expressions to elevate the overall lexical control.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. While there are some errors in grammar and punctuation, they rarely impede communication. The writer attempts a variety of sentence structures, but there are noticeable language issues throughout the essay, such as word choice and awkward phrasing. Additionally, there are instances of incorrect verb tense usage, as well as problems with subject-verb agreement.

How to improve:

Sentence Structure: Work on creating more complex sentence structures to enhance the overall fluency of the essay. Vary the sentence length to make the writing more engaging.
Grammar and Punctuation: Pay close attention to verb tenses and subject-verb agreement. Proofread the essay to correct punctuation errors, such as missing commas and inconsistent use of capitalization.
Word Choice and Phrasing: Choose words carefully to convey ideas more precisely. Some expressions and phrases are awkward or unclear and could be improved for better coherence and clarity.
Coherence and Consistency: Ensure a smoother flow of ideas between paragraphs. Some sentences lack coherence, affecting the overall readability of the essay. Connect ideas more logically to improve the essay’s structure.
Revised Introduction and Conclusion: The introduction and conclusion could be refined for better coherence and clarity. Clearly state the purpose and main points of the essay in the introduction, and provide a concise summary of the key arguments in the conclusion.

By addressing these areas, the essay can be elevated to a higher band score by improving the clarity of expression and overall coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

While some individuals believe that imposing longer prison sentences is an effective strategy for reducing crime, others argue that there are more enhanced approaches to curbing criminal activities. In my view, I believe that lengthy imprisonment is a more appropriate measure.

On one hand, proponents of longer prison sentences argue that it keeps criminals off the streets, thereby preventing them and others from engaging in repeated criminal behavior. I concur with this perspective. Essentially, when individuals who commit violent offenses are incarcerated for an extended period, they have ample time to reflect on their lives and strive to become better individuals. Moreover, the prolonged duration of imprisonment serves as a deterrent to others who might contemplate committing similar atrocities. For instance, in Nigeria, the incidence of rape has significantly decreased since individuals convicted of such acts are sentenced to life imprisonment. Consequently, this has contributed to a reduction in the overall crime rate. Furthermore, imposing extended penalties ensures the effective protection of society. In other words, when individuals who pose a threat to society are sentenced to longer prison terms, it restores peace and harmony to the community, thereby reducing the occurrence of heinous crimes.

On the other hand, there is a prevailing belief that efforts should be directed towards building a better society rather than focusing solely on punishment. This perspective is grounded in the argument that maintaining a prisoner for an extended period incurs substantial costs, often borne by tax-paying citizens. As an alternative, the justice system should explore ways in which criminals can contribute positively to society. For instance, in Japan, a person who steals property might spend 30 days in an orphanage with foreign children who have lost everything. This policy has proven effective in reducing the crime rate. Another consideration is that prisons tend to emphasize retribution rather than investing in training and rehabilitation programs. It is suggested that alternative methods be devised to educate and equip offenders with skills, knowledge, and resources, ultimately transforming them into better individuals and creating a crime-free society.

In conclusion, while opinions on this matter may vary, I am inclined to believe that imposing lengthy sentences on lawbreakers offers more advantages. It serves as a deterrent to crime and contributes to the restoration of peace and tranquility within the community.