Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences.
Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people argue that being longer in jail convicted is the key to reducing the crime level. While others believe that their are far better solution to decrease number of lawbreakers. In my point of view the rehabilitation method is a more effective means of addressing this complex issue.
On the one hand, being longer behind bar to criminals could do wonders for the battle against crime. One perspective argues that longer prison sentences could serve as a more effective deterrent to crime. Potential offenders would be afraid of losing their freedom for a large amount of time . Additionally, incarceration can isolate individuals from their support networks, including family and friends. However, a person who has opposed opinions suggests that longer prison terms should be accompanied by increased efforts to rehabilitate offenders.They could be provided with knowledge and skills . In turn this could reduce crime levels and help individuals rehabilitate into society.
On the other hand , other alternatives are also essential to reduce the crime rate. One way to reduce crime rates is to increase the number of police officers and improve their training. A larger police presence would deter potential criminals from committing crimes, as they would be more likely to get caught. Additionally, better-trained officers would be more effective in pick up criminals and solving crimes. Another solution is community service punishments should be given to petty criminals. If convicted criminals were forced to work without pay, this could benefit the community. And it would also save taxpayers' money as housing prisoners is expensive.
To conclude, although I acknowledge that the amount of time lawbreakers spend in prison should be extended, I am of the opinion that there are more suitable methods for dwindling the crime level.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "being longer in jail convicted" -> "serving longer prison sentences"
   Explanation: "Serving longer prison sentences" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea of being incarcerated for a longer period, aligning better with academic style.

2. "their are far better solution" -> "there are far better solutions"
   Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error "their" to "there" and pluralizes "solution" to "solutions" to match the plural context of alternatives.

3. "decrease number of lawbreakers" -> "reduce the number of offenders"
   Explanation: "Reduce the number of offenders" is more specific and formal, replacing the vague and less formal "lawbreakers."

4. "In my point of view" -> "In my view"
   Explanation: "In my view" is a more concise and formal expression, suitable for academic writing.

5. "being longer behind bar to criminals" -> "incarcerating criminals for longer periods"
   Explanation: "Incarcerating criminals for longer periods" is more precise and formal, avoiding the awkward and informal phrasing of "being longer behind bar to criminals."

6. "could do wonders for the battle against crime" -> "could significantly contribute to the fight against crime"
   Explanation: "Significantly contribute to the fight against crime" is more formal and precise, replacing the colloquial "do wonders for the battle."

7. "Potential offenders would be afraid of losing their freedom for a large amount of time" -> "Potential offenders would be deterred by the prospect of extended imprisonment"
   Explanation: "Deterred by the prospect of extended imprisonment" is more formal and specific, avoiding the vague "losing their freedom for a large amount of time."

8. "a person who has opposed opinions" -> "those who hold opposing views"
   Explanation: "Those who hold opposing views" is more formal and academically appropriate than "a person who has opposed opinions."

9. "could be provided with knowledge and skills" -> "could receive training and education"
   Explanation: "Receive training and education" is more specific and formal, replacing the vague "knowledge and skills."

10. "On the other hand, other alternatives are also essential" -> "On the other hand, other alternatives are also crucial"
    Explanation: Corrects the spacing error and replaces "essential" with "crucial" for a stronger, more formal tone.

11. "improve their training" -> "enhance their training"
    Explanation: "Enhance" is a more precise and formal term than "improve" in this context.

12. "pick up criminals" -> "apprehend criminals"
    Explanation: "Apprehend" is a more formal and precise term than "pick up," which is colloquial.

13. "community service punishments should be given to petty criminals" -> "community service should be imposed on petty offenders"
    Explanation: "Should be imposed on petty offenders" is more formal and precise, replacing the less formal "given to petty criminals."

14. "forced to work without pay" -> "required to work without compensation"
    Explanation: "Required to work without compensation" is more formal and precise than "forced to work without pay."

15. "housing prisoners is expensive" -> "incarcerating prisoners is costly"
    Explanation: "Incarcerating prisoners is costly" is more specific and formal, replacing the less formal "housing prisoners is expensive."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding crime reduction: the effectiveness of longer prison sentences and alternative methods. The first paragraph introduces the debate, and the subsequent paragraphs discuss both perspectives. However, the discussion on the opposing view lacks depth, particularly in the explanation of how rehabilitation can be integrated with longer sentences. The conclusion reiterates the author’s opinion without fully synthesizing the arguments presented.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that each viewpoint is explored in greater detail. For instance, when discussing longer prison sentences, consider including statistics or examples that illustrate their effectiveness or ineffectiveness. Similarly, when presenting alternatives, elaborate on how these methods can complement or replace incarceration.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The author states a clear position in favor of rehabilitation as a more effective method for reducing crime. However, the clarity of this position is somewhat muddled by the introduction of mixed ideas, such as suggesting that longer sentences could be beneficial if combined with rehabilitation efforts. This creates ambiguity about the author’s true stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and consistently refer back to it throughout the essay. Using phrases like "In my view" or "I strongly believe" can help reinforce the position. Additionally, avoid introducing conflicting ideas that may confuse the reader about the main argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to crime reduction, such as deterrence through longer sentences and the benefits of community service. However, these ideas are not always well-supported with examples or evidence. For instance, the mention of community service as a cost-saving measure is a good point, but it could be strengthened with data or case studies showing its effectiveness in reducing recidivism.
  • How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the author should include specific examples, statistics, or studies that illustrate the effectiveness of the proposed solutions. This could involve citing successful rehabilitation programs or studies showing the impact of increased police presence on crime rates.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing crime reduction methods and the effectiveness of longer prison sentences versus alternatives. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly when discussing the potential benefits of rehabilitation without clearly linking it back to the main argument about crime reduction.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central question of how to reduce crime. This can be achieved by consistently framing each argument in relation to the prompt and avoiding tangential discussions that do not directly contribute to the overall argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear opinion, it would benefit from deeper exploration of both sides, clearer articulation of the author’s stance, stronger support for ideas, and tighter focus on the topic. By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, two main body paragraphs discussing opposing views, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between the arguments for longer prison sentences and alternative methods is somewhat abrupt. The introduction states the writer’s opinion, but it could better foreshadow the structure of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly state the main idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases like "Firstly," "On the contrary," or "In contrast" can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, separating different ideas into distinct sections. Each paragraph addresses a specific viewpoint, which is good. However, the paragraphs could be more developed. For instance, the first body paragraph mixes arguments for longer sentences with a counterpoint, which could confuse readers about the main focus of that paragraph.
  • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear focus. Start with a topic sentence that outlines the main argument, followed by supporting details. Consider separating the counterargument into a distinct paragraph to clarify the structure. For example, the counterpoint about rehabilitation could be its own paragraph to allow for a more in-depth discussion.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to signal contrasting views. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "being longer in jail convicted" and "their are far better solution," which disrupt the flow.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In addition," and "Conversely." Additionally, ensure grammatical accuracy to enhance clarity. For example, revise "their are far better solution" to "there are far better solutions" to improve coherence.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion. Focus on enhancing logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices to create a more cohesive and well-organized argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "rehabilitation," "deterrent," and "incarceration" showing some variety. However, phrases such as "being longer in jail convicted" and "their are far better solution" indicate a limited range and awkward phrasing. The use of "behind bar" is also imprecise and informal, which detracts from the overall quality.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of "being longer in jail," consider using "extended incarceration" or "prolonged imprisonment." Additionally, replacing "far better solution" with "more effective alternatives" would improve clarity and sophistication.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: Some vocabulary choices are imprecise or incorrect, such as "their are" instead of "there are," and "being longer in jail convicted," which is grammatically incorrect and confusing. The phrase "pick up criminals" is also informal and vague; a more precise term would be "apprehend criminals."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity. Proofreading for common errors and using more formal language would enhance the essay. For instance, instead of "pick up criminals," use "apprehend offenders," which conveys the intended meaning more clearly.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "their" instead of "there," "solution" instead of "solutions," and "bar" instead of "bars." These errors disrupt the flow and can lead to misunderstandings.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice spelling commonly used words and phrases, perhaps by keeping a list of frequently misspelled words. Additionally, using spell-check tools and proofreading the essay before submission can help catch these errors. Regular reading and writing practice can also improve overall spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay shows some strengths in vocabulary usage, there are notable weaknesses in precision, range, and spelling. By focusing on these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future IELTS writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively introduce contrasting views. However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences following a similar structure, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For example, the sentence "One way to reduce crime rates is to increase the number of police officers and improve their training" could be expanded with additional clauses to enhance complexity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "A larger police presence would deter potential criminals," you could say, "Because a larger police presence would deter potential criminals, communities might feel safer and more secure." Additionally, using varied sentence openings can help maintain reader interest and improve the overall flow of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, "being longer in jail convicted" is awkwardly phrased and should be revised to "spending longer in jail." The phrase "their are far better solution" contains a subject-verb agreement error and should be corrected to "there are far better solutions." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as missing commas before conjunctions in compound sentences, hinder readability. For instance, "However, a person who has opposed opinions suggests that longer prison terms should be accompanied by increased efforts to rehabilitate offenders" could benefit from clearer punctuation to separate clauses.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, consider reviewing basic grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common errors can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors can help catch mistakes before submission. Reading the essay aloud may also help identify awkward phrasing and run-on sentences, allowing for revisions that improve clarity and coherence.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some people argue that serving longer prison sentences is the key to reducing crime levels. While others believe there are far better solutions to decrease the number of lawbreakers. In my view, the rehabilitation method is a more effective means of addressing this complex issue.

On the one hand, incarcerating criminals for longer periods could significantly contribute to the fight against crime. One perspective suggests that longer prison sentences could serve as a more effective deterrent to crime. Potential offenders would be deterred by the prospect of extended imprisonment. Additionally, incarceration can isolate individuals from their support networks, including family and friends. However, those who hold opposing views argue that longer prison terms should be accompanied by increased efforts to rehabilitate offenders. They could receive training and education, which could, in turn, reduce crime levels and help individuals reintegrate into society.

On the other hand, other alternatives are also crucial to reducing the crime rate. One way to achieve this is by increasing the number of police officers and enhancing their training. A larger police presence would deter potential criminals from committing crimes, as they would be more likely to get caught. Additionally, better-trained officers would be more effective in apprehending criminals and solving crimes. Another solution is that community service should be imposed on petty offenders. If convicted criminals were required to work without compensation, this could benefit the community. Furthermore, it would save taxpayers’ money, as incarcerating prisoners is costly.

To conclude, although I acknowledge that the amount of time lawbreakers spend in prison should be extended, Iam of the opinion that there are more suitable methods for reducing crime levels.