Some people think that there could be more benefits to society if more people study business than history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a popular belief that it would be more beneficial if there were more business business learners than that of History. Although there might be benefits from having more people studying business, I do not believe that it is practical. In this essay, I will discuss the positive aspects of business and highlight reasons why history is better.

On the one hand, Business Degree holders might bring advantages to society, mostly economically. To begin, Business-related workers propel the economic status of one country. It initiates changes, initially by bringing a large amount of income to the nation. This would eventually fund the government expenditure on the betterment of people’s quality of life. Moreover, more successful and innovative Business learners and employers would mean more probability of an impactful development, which is for competing and working together with powerful countries. Strengthening the economy of a nation is the very first step to achieving such exuberant development, as that, many would be required to be an expert in Business.

On the other hand, History is the root of humanity and the foundation of many abstract disciplines. Firstly, the field of History might give solutions to some so-called undying problems. History mostly gives humans experience and knowledge that has been distilled over time. Some problems regarding several macroscopic subjects such as wars, pandemics, drought, etc can use some examples from the past to solve. Some of the disease-preventative measures, for instance, had been effectively applied in the Spanish flu, such as quarantine and masks. Additionally, History connects people as individuals regardless of ethnicity, religion and nationality. Historians nowadays have made conclusions about the importance of understanding the history of a country it is as crucial as acknowledging the culture of one place. For that, it would be easier to bond and work with another human being from another area if History is learnt by many.

In conclusion, business plays a key role in controlling the country economically, in aiding the government to develop better and faster. However, it is not as beneficial as History since this subject offers humanity old knowledge and opportunities to bond with individuals from afar.

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Errors and Improvements:

"more business business learners than that of History" -> "more business learners than history scholars"
Explanation: Replacing the repetition of "business" with "business learners" and changing "that of History" to "history scholars" improves clarity and avoids redundancy.
"I do not believe that it is practical." -> "I contend that this proposition lacks practicality."
Explanation: Substituting "I do not believe" with "I contend" adds a more assertive and formal tone to the statement. The phrase "lacks practicality" conveys a nuanced perspective in a more sophisticated manner.
"On the one hand, Business Degree holders might bring advantages" -> "On one hand, individuals with Business Degrees may contribute"
Explanation: Eliminating the redundancy of "the" before "Business Degree holders" and rephrasing to "individuals with Business Degrees" enhances conciseness. The use of "may contribute" adds a level of probability, aligning with academic cautiousness.
"large amount of income" -> "substantial income"
Explanation: Replacing "large amount of income" with "substantial income" elevates the language by using a more precise and formal term.
"impactful development, which is for competing and working together with powerful countries" -> "significant development, fostering competition and collaboration with influential nations"
Explanation: Substituting "impactful" with "significant" maintains formality, and rephrasing "which is for competing and working together" with "fostering competition and collaboration" enhances clarity and articulation.
"the very first step to achieving such exuberant development" -> "a crucial initial step towards achieving substantial development"
Explanation: Substituting "the very first step" with "a crucial initial step" maintains formality, and replacing "exuberant" with "substantial" ensures a more measured and appropriate expression.
"many would be required to be an expert in Business" -> "a considerable number would need expertise in Business"
Explanation: Changing "many would be required to be" to "a considerable number would need" improves the sentence’s structure, and replacing "an expert in Business" with "expertise in Business" is more concise and formal.
"History is the root of humanity and the foundation of many abstract disciplines." -> "History constitutes the root of humanity and serves as the foundation for numerous abstract disciplines."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and replacing "is the root" with "constitutes the root" enhances formality.
"so-called undying problems" -> "persistent issues"
Explanation: Replacing "so-called undying problems" with "persistent issues" maintains formality while offering a more precise term.
"some examples from the past to solve" -> "draw upon historical examples to address"
Explanation: Substituting "some examples from the past to solve" with "draw upon historical examples to address" adds sophistication and precision to the sentence.
"such as wars, pandemics, drought, etc" -> "such as wars, pandemics, drought, and the like"
Explanation: Replacing "etc" with "and the like" is a more formal way to denote similar examples.
"had been effectively applied in the Spanish flu" -> "were effectively employed during the Spanish flu"
Explanation: Changing "had been effectively applied" to "were effectively employed" enhances verb choice and maintains a formal tone.
"since this subject offers humanity old knowledge" -> "as this field provides humanity with ancient knowledge"
Explanation: Substituting "since" with "as" and replacing "offers" with "provides" contributes to a more formal expression.
"bond with individuals from afar" -> "forge connections with people from distant regions"
Explanation: Replacing "bond with" with "forge connections with" elevates the language to a more formal level.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Quoted text: "There is a popular belief that it would be more beneficial if there were more business business learners than that of History. Although there might be benefits from having more people studying business, I do not believe that it is practical."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction lacks clarity in presenting the writer’s position. While it mentions a popular belief, it does not explicitly state the writer’s agreement or disagreement with this belief. To enhance Task Response, make your position clear from the outset. For example, you could rephrase it as: "While some argue that society would benefit more from an emphasis on business education, I firmly disagree."
- Improved example: "While some argue that society would benefit more from an emphasis on business education, I firmly disagree. In this essay, I will discuss the positive aspects of business and why, despite its benefits, I believe history holds greater value."
Quoted text: "On the one hand, Business Degree holders might bring advantages to society, mostly economically…"
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The argument related to the economic benefits of business is well-developed. However, it tends to overgeneralize, lacking specific examples or details. To improve, provide concrete examples or scenarios that illustrate how business education can lead to economic advantages. For instance, you can share success stories of entrepreneurs or discuss specific industries impacted positively by business graduates.
- Improved example: "On the one hand, Business Degree holders might bring substantial economic advantages to society. For instance, entrepreneurs like [Name], armed with a solid business education, have not only created successful ventures but also contributed significantly to job creation and economic growth."
Quoted text: "On the other hand, History is the root of humanity and the foundation of many abstract disciplines…"
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The section discussing the benefits of history is well-constructed, presenting clear ideas. However, it could benefit from more specificity in terms of examples. Instead of using general terms like "undying problems," provide specific historical instances where knowledge of the past has been instrumental in addressing contemporary issues. For example, mention historical events like the Marshall Plan or the Civil Rights Movement.
- Improved example: "On the other hand, History, as the root of humanity, provides invaluable lessons for addressing contemporary challenges. For instance, the Marshall Plan post-World War II stands as a testament to how historical insights can guide nations in crafting effective solutions for post-conflict recovery."

Overall, the essay adequately addresses the task, but improvements in clarity of position and the inclusion of more specific examples would enhance the overall Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a generally coherent structure, presenting contrasting viewpoints on business and history. There is an attempt at paragraphing, but it lacks consistency and logical sequencing. The ideas are presented in separate paragraphs, yet the flow within these paragraphs could be improved for better coherence. There’s an effort to employ cohesive devices, but at times, the cohesion between sentences is faulty or feels somewhat mechanical. While the essay attempts to address the central topic of each paragraph, the execution is inconsistent, affecting the overall coherence.

How to Improve:

Paragraph Structure: Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and transitions smoothly to the next.
Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices effectively to enhance the flow between sentences and paragraphs.
Logical Progression: Strengthen the logical progression within paragraphs to improve the overall coherence of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
This essay demonstrates a reasonably good range of vocabulary, with attempts to use less common vocabulary and some awareness of style and collocation. There is a varied use of language to convey ideas, showcasing a mix of less common lexical items and more standard vocabulary. The essay generally maintains coherence through adequate vocabulary usage.

The writer skillfully uses vocabulary to discuss both the benefits of studying business and the importance of history. There are instances where less common vocabulary and varied expressions, such as "propel," "exuberant development," and "undying problems," are utilized. Additionally, there is an effort to use historical references, such as the Spanish flu, to support arguments, showing a certain level of lexical sophistication.

However, there are occasional inaccuracies in word choice and some errors in word formation that slightly impact precision and fluency. For instance, there are minor issues with word repetition (e.g., "business business learners") and some awkward phrasing (e.g., "strengthening the economy of a nation is the very first step to achieving such exuberant development, as that, many would be required to be an expert in Business").

Overall, the essay displays a good attempt to use a varied vocabulary and demonstrates a satisfactory control of lexical resources, even though occasional errors and awkward expressions slightly affect the overall fluency and precision.

How to improve:

Avoid word repetition and awkward phrasing: Refrain from using repetitive terms or awkward sentence structures, as they can hinder the overall coherence and impact of the essay.
Focus on precision: Pay attention to word choice to ensure greater accuracy and precision in conveying ideas.
Expand on vocabulary: Continue incorporating less common vocabulary while ensuring it fits contextually and enhances the essay’s overall quality without compromising clarity.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical structures and accuracy throughout, with a variety of complex sentences used effectively. There are some instances of minor errors, such as "business business" in the introduction and a few awkwardly constructed sentences. However, these errors do not significantly impede communication and can be considered as slips. The essay effectively uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, contributing to a well-developed and coherent argument.

How to improve: To improve, the writer should pay closer attention to sentence construction to avoid minor errors, such as repetition ("business business"). Additionally, a more nuanced and balanced discussion of the benefits of business and history would enhance the overall essay. Consider refining the introduction for clarity and conciseness.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a prevailing notion that society would reap more benefits if more individuals pursued business studies rather than history. While there may be advantages to having a larger number of business learners, I disagree with the idea. In this essay, I will discuss the positive aspects of business and underscore reasons why history holds greater value.

On the one hand, individuals with business degrees may contribute to society, primarily in economic terms. Business professionals play a crucial role in elevating a country’s economic status. They initiate change by generating significant income for the nation, subsequently funding government expenditures to enhance people’s quality of life. Furthermore, a higher number of successful and innovative business learners and professionals increases the likelihood of impactful development, fostering competition and collaboration with powerful nations. Strengthening a nation’s economy is the initial step towards achieving such robust development, requiring a considerable number of business experts.

On the other hand, history serves as the foundation of humanity and the basis for various abstract disciplines. Firstly, the study of history offers insights into persistent problems. History provides valuable experience and knowledge distilled over time, offering solutions to issues such as wars, pandemics, droughts, and more. Examples from the past can be employed to address contemporary challenges; for instance, disease-preventative measures applied during the Spanish flu, such as quarantine and masks. Additionally, history fosters connections among individuals, transcending ethnicity, religion, and nationality. Modern historians emphasize the importance of understanding a country’s history, viewing it as crucial as understanding its culture. Learning history makes it easier to connect and collaborate with individuals from different regions.

In conclusion, while business plays a pivotal role in steering a country’s economic course and aiding rapid development, it falls short of the benefits offered by history. The study of history provides humanity with timeless knowledge and opportunities to build meaningful connections with individuals from diverse backgrounds.