Some people think that young people should follow traditions of the society. While other people think that young people should be free to behave as individuals. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

The exists a significant debate over whether should young people be obliged to follow traditions of the society. Personally, I have completely agree that they should be free to explore and behave on their own as individuals.
To commence with, there are many reasons for people to affirm that youngsters must follow traditions. Firstly, it provides young people with a tangible link to their ancestors and cultural roots. By participating in traditional practices, they gain a deeper understanding of their history and the values that have shaped their community. Engaging in cultural traditions fosters a sense of belonging among young people. It helps them feel part of a larger narrative, reinforcing their identity and promoting pride in their background. Moreover, elders often possess a wealth of knowledge and life experience. Following traditions is a way for young people to honor this wisdom, learning valuable lessons that can guide their own lives. Elders play a crucial role in transmitting cultural values and traditions to younger generations. By respecting and adhering to these customs, young people acknowledge the importance of this transfer of knowledge.
Despite the reasons mentioned above, I still affirm that young people should be allowed to behave as individuals. Individual freedom allows young people to explore their interests, passions, and values without the constraints of societal expectations. This exploration is vital for understanding who they are and what they stand for. When young people are encouraged to express themselves, they develop self-confidence. Making choices and experiencing the consequences helps them learn about their strengths and areas for improvement. Besides, allowing young people to express their individuality fosters an environment where they feel accepted for who they are. This sense of belonging can significantly reduce feelings of isolation and anxiety. When young people feel free to behave as individuals, they are less likely to conform to external pressures. This freedom can alleviate stress and lead to a healthier mental state.
In conclusion, although there are certain benefits of both sides, I completely affirm that young people should be free to behave as individuals as the benefits of doing like so outweigh the pros of following traditions.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The exists a significant debate over whether should young people be obliged to follow traditions of the society." -> "There is a significant debate over whether young people should be obliged to follow societal traditions."
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkwardly phrased. The correction clarifies the structure and removes the unnecessary word "of the society," which is redundant.
"Personally, I have completely agree that they should be free to explore and behave on their own as individuals." -> "Personally, I completely agree that they should be free to explore and behave as individuals."
Explanation: Removing "on their own" simplifies the phrase and maintains the formal tone, as "on their own" is somewhat informal and redundant in this context.
"To commence with, there are many reasons for people to affirm that youngsters must follow traditions." -> "To begin with, there are several reasons why youngsters should follow traditions."
Explanation: "To commence with" is less common and slightly awkward in academic writing. "To begin with" is more natural and appropriate. Also, "many reasons for people to affirm" is unnecessarily wordy; "several reasons why" is more direct and clear.
"it provides young people with a tangible link to their ancestors and cultural roots." -> "it provides young people with a tangible connection to their ancestral heritage."
Explanation: "Cultural roots" is a bit vague and clichéd. "Ancestral heritage" is more specific and academically precise.
"Engaging in cultural traditions fosters a sense of belonging among young people." -> "Participating in cultural traditions fosters a sense of belonging among young people."
Explanation: "Engaging in" is less formal than "participating in," which is more suitable for academic writing.
"Elders often possess a wealth of knowledge and life experience." -> "Elders frequently possess a wealth of knowledge and life experience."
Explanation: "Often" is vague; "frequently" provides a clearer frequency of occurrence, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"Following traditions is a way for young people to honor this wisdom, learning valuable lessons that can guide their own lives." -> "Following traditions is a means for young people to honor this wisdom, thereby learning valuable lessons that can guide their own lives."
Explanation: "Is a way for" is informal; "is a means for" is more formal. Adding "thereby" clarifies the causal relationship between honoring wisdom and learning lessons.
"I still affirm that young people should be allowed to behave as individuals." -> "I still maintain that young people should be permitted to behave as individuals."
Explanation: "Affirm" is less formal and slightly awkward in this context; "maintain" is more appropriate for academic writing. "Permitted" is more precise than "allowed."
"This exploration is vital for understanding who they are and what they stand for." -> "This exploration is essential for understanding their identity and values."
Explanation: "Who they are and what they stand for" is somewhat informal and vague. "Their identity and values" is more specific and formal.
"When young people are encouraged to express themselves, they develop self-confidence." -> "When young people are encouraged to express themselves, they cultivate self-confidence."
Explanation: "Develop" is less specific than "cultivate," which implies a more deliberate and intentional process of growth, fitting the context better.
"Making choices and experiencing the consequences helps them learn about their strengths and areas for improvement." -> "Making choices and experiencing the consequences enables them to learn about their strengths and areas for improvement."
Explanation: "Helps them" is less formal; "enables them" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"Besides, allowing young people to express their individuality fosters an environment where they feel accepted for who they are." -> "Furthermore, allowing young people to express their individuality creates an environment in which they feel accepted for who they are."
Explanation: "Besides" is informal; "Furthermore" is more appropriate for academic transitions. "Creates" is more formal than "fosters" in this context, and "in which" is more precise than "where."

These changes enhance the formality, clarity, and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding whether young people should follow traditions or behave as individuals. The first body paragraph discusses the importance of traditions, providing several reasons such as cultural identity, connection to ancestors, and the value of wisdom from elders. The second body paragraph presents a strong argument for individual freedom, emphasizing self-exploration and mental well-being. However, while both sides are discussed, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing view in the conclusion, which currently leans heavily towards one side.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include a brief summary of the opposing viewpoint in the conclusion, reinforcing the discussion of both perspectives. This would demonstrate a more balanced consideration of the topic and strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position favoring individual freedom throughout the essay. Phrases like "I completely agree" and "I still affirm" clearly indicate the author’s stance. However, the transition between discussing traditions and advocating for individuality could be smoother to enhance clarity. The phrase "Despite the reasons mentioned above" signals a shift, but a more explicit contrast could improve coherence.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer could use transitional phrases that explicitly contrast the two views, such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely." This would help to guide the reader through the argument and reinforce the author’s perspective.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of individual freedom. The author provides multiple reasons for why young people should be free to behave as individuals, such as fostering self-confidence and reducing anxiety. However, while the reasons for following traditions are mentioned, they could be more thoroughly developed with specific examples or anecdotes to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer could include specific examples or scenarios that illustrate the benefits of both following traditions and embracing individuality. This would provide a more robust foundation for the arguments presented and engage the reader more effectively.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt directly. However, the phrase "the benefits of doing like so outweigh the pros of following traditions" in the conclusion could be clearer. It introduces a comparative element that is not fully explored in the essay, potentially leading to confusion about the overall argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all concluding statements directly relate back to the main arguments made in the essay. A clearer restatement of the main points and a more definitive conclusion would enhance the overall coherence and relevance to the topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some adjustments in clarity, development of ideas, and balance in addressing both sides, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s opinion. The body paragraphs are organized into two distinct sections: one discussing the importance of following traditions and the other advocating for individual freedom. This logical division helps the reader follow the argument. However, the transition between the two views could be smoother, as the shift from discussing traditions to individualism feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to signal shifts in perspective. For example, after discussing the benefits of following traditions, a phrase like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" could better prepare the reader for the subsequent argument about individual freedom. Additionally, summarizing the key points before transitioning to the next section can reinforce the logical progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the discussion. The first paragraph addresses the argument for following traditions, while the second focuses on individual freedom. However, the introduction could be more robust by clearly stating the two perspectives before presenting the author’s opinion, which would strengthen the overall structure.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For instance, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "One compelling argument for adhering to societal traditions is the connection it fosters with cultural heritage." This would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader. Additionally, consider adding a concluding sentence to each paragraph that summarizes the main point and links it back to the overall argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices effectively, such as "Firstly," "Moreover," and "Despite the reasons mentioned above," which help to connect ideas within paragraphs. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. For example, the phrase "young people" is used frequently without variation, which could detract from the overall cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or pronouns to refer back to "young people" (e.g., "they," "these individuals," or "the youth"). Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as "in addition," "furthermore," or "on the contrary," can enhance the flow of ideas. Practicing the use of linking words and phrases in different contexts will help to create a more cohesive and engaging essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in logical transitions, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices will elevate the writing to a higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "tangible link," "cultural roots," and "self-confidence" effectively conveying the author’s points. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "young people" could be substituted with synonyms like "youth," "adolescents," or "teenagers" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader array of synonyms and phrases throughout the essay. This could involve using a thesaurus to find alternative expressions for common terms and ensuring that the vocabulary reflects a higher level of sophistication.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are some precise uses of vocabulary, such as "explore their interests" and "cultural traditions." However, the phrase "the exists a significant debate" is grammatically incorrect and detracts from the overall clarity of the argument. Additionally, the phrase "the benefits of doing like so" is awkward and imprecise; a more standard expression would be "the benefits of doing so."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity in phrasing. Proofreading for grammatical errors and awkward constructions can help. Furthermore, practicing the use of idiomatic expressions and collocations can improve the naturalness of the language.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "the exists" (should be "there exists") and "I have completely agree" (should be "I completely agree"). These errors can impede understanding and detract from the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, perhaps through writing exercises or spelling quizzes. Additionally, using spell-check tools during the writing process can help identify and correct errors before submission. Reading more extensively can also aid in familiarizing oneself with correct spelling patterns.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "By participating in traditional practices, they gain a deeper understanding of their history and the values that have shaped their community" effectively conveys detailed ideas. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and structural errors, such as "The exists a significant debate over whether should young people be obliged to follow traditions of the society," which detracts from the overall fluency and coherence of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, conditional clauses, and passive voice constructions. For example, instead of starting sentences with "Firstly" or "Moreover," the writer could use phrases like "One significant point to consider is…" or "It is important to note that…". Additionally, practicing the construction of more complex sentences with appropriate conjunctions could improve the overall sophistication of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect clarity and precision. For example, the phrase "The exists a significant debate" should be corrected to "There exists a significant debate." Additionally, the phrase "I have completely agree" should be "I completely agree." Punctuation is generally well-handled, but there are some missing commas that could help clarify meaning, such as before "despite" in "Despite the reasons mentioned above." These errors indicate a need for more careful proofreading and a stronger grasp of grammatical rules.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises, especially those focusing on common errors, could be beneficial. Furthermore, reading more high-quality writing can help the writer internalize correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage. It is also advisable to revise sentences for clarity and correctness, perhaps by reading the essay aloud to catch errors that may be overlooked during silent reading.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on grammatical accuracy and diversifying sentence structures will enhance the overall quality and effectiveness of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

There exists a significant debate over whether young people should be obliged to follow the traditions of society. Personally, I completely agree that they should be free to explore and behave as individuals.

To begin with, there are several reasons why some people affirm that youngsters must follow traditions. Firstly, it provides young people with a tangible connection to their ancestors and cultural roots. By participating in traditional practices, they gain a deeper understanding of their history and the values that have shaped their community. Engaging in cultural traditions fosters a sense of belonging among young people. It helps them feel part of a larger narrative, reinforcing their identity and promoting pride in their background. Moreover, elders frequently possess a wealth of knowledge and life experience. Following traditions is a means for young people to honor this wisdom, thereby learning valuable lessons that can guide their own lives. Elders play a crucial role in transmitting cultural values and traditions to younger generations. By respecting and adhering to these customs, young people acknowledge the importance of this transfer of knowledge.

Despite the reasons mentioned above, I still maintain that young people should be permitted to behave as individuals. Individual freedom allows young people to explore their interests, passions, and values without the constraints of societal expectations. This exploration is essential for understanding their identity and values. When young people are encouraged to express themselves, they cultivate self-confidence. Making choices and experiencing the consequences enables them to learn about their strengths and areas for improvement. Furthermore, allowing young people to express their individuality creates an environment in which they feel accepted for who they are. This sense of belonging can significantly reduce feelings of isolation and anxiety. When young people feel free to behave as individuals, they are less likely to conform to external pressures. This freedom can alleviate stress and lead to a healthier mental state.

In conclusion, although there are certain benefits to both sides, I firmly believe that young people should be free to behave as individuals, as the advantages of doing so outweigh the benefits of following traditions.