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Some people think that youngsters should get involved in unpaid work, while others oppose as it may affect their career. Discuss both the sides and give your own answer.

Some people think that youngsters should get involved in unpaid work, while others oppose as it may affect their career. Discuss both the sides and give your own answer.

While one school of thought holds that young individuals should take part in volunteer activities, others voice concerns about the potentially adverse implications it brings about in students’ professions. This essay aims to elaborate on both perspectives and the reasons why I am favorable toward the former.
On the one hand, many argue that unpaid work may exert adverse influences on youths' employment prospects for two reasons. The first predominant one is that it can be time-consuming. To elucidate further, given the hectic schedules of studying 10-12 hours per day for most teenagers, only when they have more leisure time should they do community service. Otherwise, taking on volunteering besides academic commitments could give rise to unsatisfactory study performance, thereby negatively affecting the youth’s' professional qualifications. Another important factor would be exploitation concerns. For instance, organizations can take advantage of young novices’ enthusiasm and willingness to work for free by assigning them repetitive or menial tasks with minimal learning or development possibilities. Hence, the shortage of essential skills will conceivably make it arduous for teenagers to confront competitiveness in the labor market.
On the other hand, there are those who are in favor of the idea that young people ought to get involved in community service in that it affords them a golden opportunity to enhance their personal development. A prime illustration of this point is that if youths participate in events with a view to helping underprivileged children by donating food and fundraising, there is a likelihood that teenagers can form a sound foundation, enabling them to exhibit excellent performance in the workplace, like teamwork skills, effective communication, and the capacity to handle arising situations that are highly valued in the job market and facilitate climbing career ladders. Moreover, by doing this kind of work, it is beneficial for teenagers to cultivate a great sense of virtuous traits such as benevolence and empathy. As a result, adolescents' self-advancement can be positively boosted, which is a compelling testament to the advantages of youngsters’ involvement in voluntary work.
To encapsulate the whole point, despite the detrimental bearings that unpaid work has on youths’ future occupations, I firmly subscribe to the view that teenage individuals should be encouraged to partake in community service on account of the wide range of benefits it can confer, which are crucial, rather than taking the drawbacks to young people’s employability into consideration.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "young individuals" -> "youngsters"
    Explanation: Replacing "young individuals" with "youngsters" is a more concise and formal term, maintaining clarity and aligning with academic style.

  2. "bring about" -> "have on"
    Explanation: Substituting "bring about" with "have on" provides a more precise and formal expression, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

  3. "favorable" -> "favorably inclined"
    Explanation: Replacing "favorable" with "favorably inclined" adds sophistication to the language, contributing to a more formal and academic tone.

  4. "many argue" -> "Many proponents contend"
    Explanation: Substituting "many argue" with "Many proponents contend" introduces a more formal and academic phrasing, aligning with the essay’s objective.

  5. "predominant one" -> "primary one"
    Explanation: Changing "predominant one" to "primary one" maintains clarity while using a more precise and formal term.

  6. "To elucidate further" -> "To further elucidate"
    Explanation: Rearranging the phrase to "To further elucidate" maintains formality and ensures a smoother flow in the sentence.

  7. "hence" -> "therefore"
    Explanation: Replacing "hence" with "therefore" enhances the formality of the sentence, providing a more academic transition.

  8. "those who are in favor of the idea" -> "advocates"
    Explanation: Substituting "those who are in favor of the idea" with "advocates" is a more concise and formal expression.

  9. "ought to" -> "should"
    Explanation: Changing "ought to" to "should" maintains formality and simplicity in the language, without compromising clarity.

  10. "A prime illustration of this point is that" -> "An exemplary illustration is"
    Explanation: Replacing "A prime illustration of this point is that" with "An exemplary illustration is" adds sophistication to the sentence without sacrificing clarity.

  11. "is beneficial for" -> "benefits"
    Explanation: Simplifying "is beneficial for" to "benefits" maintains clarity while using a more straightforward expression.

  12. "compelling testament" -> "compelling evidence"
    Explanation: Substituting "compelling testament" with "compelling evidence" is a more formal and precise choice, aligning with academic style.

  13. "rather than taking the drawbacks to young people’s employability into consideration" -> "instead of considering the drawbacks to young people’s employability"
    Explanation: Rewording the sentence for clarity and formality without losing the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It discusses both perspectives on whether youngsters should engage in unpaid work, presents arguments supporting each view, and concludes with the writer’s personal stance.
    • How to improve: While the essay answers all parts of the question, it could further enhance clarity by explicitly stating the writer’s position in the introduction, providing a roadmap for the reader.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The writer consistently supports the idea that young people should engage in unpaid work and provides well-organized reasoning.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the essay’s clarity, consider reinforcing the thesis statement in the conclusion while summarizing key arguments.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides specific examples, such as the potential time constraints and exploitation concerns associated with unpaid work, as well as the benefits of personal development.
    • How to improve: To further enrich the essay, consider incorporating more diverse examples or illustrations to enhance the depth of analysis.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of youngsters engaging in unpaid work.
    • How to improve: While staying on topic, the essay could benefit from a smoother transition between paragraphs to enhance overall coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the task. To improve, the writer could enhance the introduction’s clarity, reinforce the thesis in the conclusion, diversify examples for a more comprehensive analysis, and ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. It begins with a clear introduction that introduces the topic and states the writer’s position. The body paragraphs are well-structured, presenting arguments from both perspectives. However, there is room for improvement in the logical development of ideas within paragraphs. For instance, the second paragraph could better present the idea of time-consuming unpaid work and its impact on academic performance in a more linear manner.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider ensuring that each paragraph follows a clear progression of ideas. In the second paragraph, start by introducing the concept of time-consuming unpaid work before delving into its impact on academic performance. This will make the essay more coherent and easier to follow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to structure ideas. Each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easy for the reader to follow. However, there is a slight imbalance in paragraph length, with the third paragraph being considerably longer than the others.
    • How to improve: Aim for more consistency in paragraph length to maintain a balanced structure. Consider breaking down the longer paragraphs into more concise ones, ensuring that each paragraph addresses a single main point. This will contribute to a more visually appealing and well-organized essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, there is a tendency to overuse certain terms like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which can make the writing repetitive.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to maintain reader engagement. Instead of relying heavily on a few phrases, experiment with synonyms and alternative transition words. This will not only enhance cohesion but also add stylistic variety to the essay, making it more interesting for the reader.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong coherence and cohesion, but attention to these specific points can contribute to a more polished and effective piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable range of vocabulary, with attempts to use varied expressions and terminology. For example, the writer uses terms such as "predominant," "elucidate," "advocate," and "conceive," contributing to lexical diversity.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more sophisticated and contextually appropriate synonyms or alternative expressions. Additionally, strive to incorporate specialized vocabulary related to the topic to demonstrate a deeper understanding.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is generally adequate. However, there are instances where language could be more precise. For example, in the sentence, "there is a likelihood that teenagers can form a sound foundation," the term "likelihood" may be a bit vague, and a more precise term like "probability" or "certainty" could be employed.
    • How to improve: Focus on choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Avoid using terms that may introduce ambiguity. Thoroughly consider the context and choose words that align precisely with the message you want to convey.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with only minor errors such as "advancement" (should be "development"), "bearings" (should be "impact"), and "conceive" (should be "consider"). These errors, however, do not significantly impede comprehension.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the accuracy of spelling, particularly for words with similar spellings. Proofread the essay carefully to catch and rectify any spelling errors. Consider using spell-check tools to assist in ensuring accurate spelling throughout the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a commendable variety of sentence structures. There is effective use of complex sentences, compound sentences, and compound-complex sentences. Additionally, the writer incorporates conditional sentences and employs transitional phrases to connect ideas logically. For instance, the essay uses phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" to organize contrasting viewpoints.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the richness of sentence structures, consider incorporating rhetorical devices like parallelism or varying sentence lengths for stylistic diversity. This will add flair to the essay and engage the reader more effectively.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally high level of grammatical accuracy. Verb tenses are appropriately used, and sentence structures are grammatically sound. However, there are a few instances where the choice of words could be refined for greater precision. For example, in the phrase "elucidate further," a more concise term like "clarify" could be employed. Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are a couple of instances where it could be improved for clarity. For instance, the phrase "To encapsulate the whole point," could benefit from a semicolon after "point" for a smoother transition.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining word choice for precision, opting for simpler alternatives when possible. Additionally, pay attention to punctuation nuances, ensuring that they contribute to clarity and flow. Consider using semicolons and commas judiciously to enhance sentence structure and coherence.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, contributing to its overall effectiveness. To elevate the writing further, the writer can experiment with more stylistic sentence structures and refine word choices for greater precision. Additionally, attention to punctuation nuances will ensure a seamless flow of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

While there is a viewpoint advocating for the engagement of young individuals in unpaid work, others express concerns about its potential negative impact on students’ careers. This essay aims to explore both perspectives, and I am inclined towards supporting the former.

On one side of the argument, some contend that unpaid work may have adverse effects on the employment prospects of young individuals for two main reasons. The primary concern is the time it consumes. To elaborate further, with most teenagers already dedicating 10-12 hours a day to their studies, engaging in community service should only be considered during leisure time. Otherwise, combining volunteering with academic commitments could lead to unsatisfactory academic performance, thereby negatively affecting the professional qualifications of young individuals. Another significant factor is the potential for exploitation. For example, organizations might take advantage of the enthusiasm and willingness of young novices to work for free, assigning them repetitive or menial tasks with limited learning or developmental opportunities. Consequently, the lack of essential skills may make it challenging for teenagers to compete in the job market.

On the flip side, there are those who favor the idea that young people should participate in community service as it provides a valuable opportunity for personal development. An exemplary illustration of this point is that if youths engage in events aimed at assisting underprivileged children through activities like donating food and fundraising, there is a likelihood that teenagers can build a strong foundation. This foundation enables them to showcase excellent performance in the workplace, demonstrating skills such as teamwork, effective communication, and the ability to handle challenging situations, all of which are highly valued in the job market and contribute to career advancement. Moreover, engaging in this type of work is beneficial for teenagers to cultivate virtuous traits such as benevolence and empathy. Consequently, adolescents’ self-advancement can be positively boosted, providing compelling evidence for the benefits of youngsters’ involvement in voluntary work.

In conclusion, despite the potential negative effects of unpaid work on the future careers of young individuals, I firmly support the view that teenagers should be encouraged to participate in community service due to the wide range of benefits it offers. These benefits are crucial, and it is essential to prioritize them over the concerns about the impact on young people’s employability.

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