Some people think that youngsters should get involved in unpaid work, while others oppose as it may affect their career. Discuss both the sides and give your own answer.
While one school of thought holds that young individuals should take part in volunteer activities, others object to this notion since it may bring about negatives in their professions. This essay aims to elaborate on both perspectives and the reasons why I am favorable toward the former.
On the one hand, many argue that unpaid work may exert adverse influences on youths’ employment for two reasons. The first predominant one is that it can be time-consuming. To elucidate further, given the hectic schedules of studying 10-12 hours per day for most teenagers, only when they have more leisure time should they do community service. Otherwise, taking on volunteering besides academic commitments could give rise to unsatisfactory study performance, thereby negatively affecting youngsters' professional qualifications. Another important factor would be exploitation concerns. For instance, organizations can take advantage of young novices and their willingness to work for free by assigning them repetitive or menial tasks with minimal learning or development possibilities. Hence, the shortage of essential skills will make it arduous for teenagers to confront competitiveness in the labor market.
On the other hand, there are those who are in favor of the idea that young people ought to get involved in community service in that it affords them a golden opportunity to enhance their personal development. A prime illustration of this point is that if youths participate in events with a view to helping underprivileged children by donating food and fundraising, there is a likelihood that teenagers can form a sound foundation, enabling them to exhibit excellent performance in the workplace, like teamwork skills, effective communication, and capacity to handle arising situations that will facilitate climbing career ladders and becoming promising employees. Moreover, by doing this type of work, it is beneficial for teenagers to cultivate a great sense of virtuous traits such as benevolence and empathy. As a result, both adolescents' self-advancement can be positively boosted, which is a compelling testament to the advantages of youngsters’ involvement in voluntary work.
In conclusion, from the aforementioned points, despite acknowledging the detrimental bearings that unpaid work has on youths’ future occupations, I firmly subscribe to the view that teenage individuals should partake in community service owing to the wide range of benefits it can confer, which are indispensable, rather than taking the drawbacks to the young’s career paths into consideration.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"young individuals" -> "adolescents"
Explanation: While "young individuals" isn’t incorrect, "adolescents" is a more precise and formal term suitable for an academic context. It provides a more specific reference to the age group being discussed.
"object to this notion" -> "oppose this idea"
Explanation: "Object to this notion" can be replaced with a more direct and formal phrase, "oppose this idea," aligning better with academic language.
"negatives in their professions" -> "adverse effects on their careers"
Explanation: The phrase "negatives in their professions" could be expressed more formally as "adverse effects on their careers" to maintain a formal tone and specificity in language.
"favorable toward the former" -> "supportive of the former"
Explanation: "Favorable toward" can be replaced with "supportive of" to convey the same meaning in a more formal and direct manner.
"many argue" -> "several arguments exist"
Explanation: "Many argue" can be refined to "several arguments exist," offering a more formal and objective tone by indicating the presence of multiple viewpoints without overly subjective language.
"exert adverse influences" -> "have detrimental effects"
Explanation: "Exert adverse influences" can be substituted with "have detrimental effects" for clearer and more direct phrasing without losing the intended meaning.
"predominant one" -> "primary one"
Explanation: "Predominant" can be replaced by "primary," maintaining the intended emphasis without using a less formal term.
"To elucidate further" -> "To further elaborate"
Explanation: "To elucidate further" can be replaced with "To further elaborate," which maintains formality and clarity in academic writing.
"unsatisfactory study performance" -> "subpar academic performance"
Explanation: "Unsatisfactory study performance" can be replaced with "subpar academic performance" to convey the same idea more concisely and formally.
"novices" -> "inexperienced individuals"
Explanation: While "novices" isn’t entirely informal, "inexperienced individuals" provides a more academically inclined and precise term.
"arduous" -> "difficult"
Explanation: "Arduous" is slightly formal; "difficult" maintains the tone while being more commonly used in academic contexts.
"young people ought to" -> "adolescents should"
Explanation: Replacing "young people ought to" with "adolescents should" maintains formality while being more concise and direct.
"affords them a golden opportunity" -> "provides them a valuable chance"
Explanation: The phrase "affords them a golden opportunity" can be substituted with "provides them a valuable chance" for a more formal and descriptive alternative.
"A prime illustration of this point is that" -> "For instance,"
Explanation: "A prime illustration of this point is that" can be simplified to "For instance," without altering the intended meaning but enhancing the formality and conciseness.
"teenagers" -> "adolescents" (in subsequent mentions for variety)
Explanation: To add variety and maintain formal language, using "adolescents" instead of repeatedly referring to them as "teenagers" can be beneficial.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "While one school of thought holds that young individuals should take part in volunteer activities, others object to this notion since it may bring about negatives in their professions."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your introduction adequately presents both perspectives, but it could benefit from a more explicit and concise statement of your own position. Consider adding a sentence clearly stating your stance to enhance clarity for the reader.
- Improved example: "While one school of thought holds that young individuals should take part in volunteer activities, others object to this notion since it may bring about negatives in their professions. In my view, however, the benefits of unpaid work for personal development outweigh the potential drawbacks on career paths."
Quoted text: "The first predominant one is that it can be time-consuming. To elucidate further, given the hectic schedules of studying 10-12 hours per day for most teenagers, only when they have more leisure time should they do community service."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: Your explanation of the potential negative impact on time management is clear. However, the reasoning could be strengthened by providing a concrete example or personal experience to illustrate how volunteering might clash with academic commitments.
- Improved example: "The first predominant one is that it can be time-consuming. To elucidate further, given the hectic schedules of studying 10-12 hours per day for most teenagers, only when they have more leisure time should they do community service. For instance, during exam periods, allocating time to volunteer work may lead to compromised academic performance, as I personally experienced during my high school years."
Quoted text: "Moreover, by doing this type of work, it is beneficial for teenagers to cultivate a great sense of virtuous traits such as benevolence and empathy."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you present the benefits of volunteering well, it would be more persuasive to provide specific examples or anecdotes from your own experience or knowledge. This will add depth to your argument and make it more convincing.
- Improved example: "Moreover, by engaging in this type of work, teenagers can cultivate a great sense of virtuous traits such as benevolence and empathy. For instance, my own experience volunteering at a local shelter taught me the importance of empathy and sparked a desire to contribute positively to society."
Overall, your essay effectively addresses the prompt, but enhancing the depth of your examples and providing a more explicit statement of your own position would contribute to a more compelling and well-rounded argument.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas with a clear progression throughout. The introduction introduces the topic effectively, and each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument. The cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, are used appropriately, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. The essay also presents a clear central topic within each paragraph, aiding in the reader’s understanding.
However, there are instances of slight overuse of cohesive devices, and some sentences could benefit from more varied structures. Additionally, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing key points more explicitly. Despite these minor issues, the essay effectively meets the criteria for a Band 7.
How to improve:
- Ensure a more varied use of sentence structures to enhance fluency and maintain reader engagement.
- Pay attention to potential overuse of cohesive devices; strive for a balance in their application.
- Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing key arguments more explicitly, reinforcing the overall stance of the essay.
Note: While the essay effectively organizes ideas and uses cohesive devices, improvements in sentence variety and conclusion strength would contribute to achieving a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to convey ideas effectively. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items with awareness of style and collocation. The essay effectively presents arguments on both sides of the issue, showcasing a reasonable control of vocabulary. Some less common expressions and words are employed, contributing to the overall lexical variety. However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "elucidate further" and "sound foundation, enabling them to exhibit excellent performance," which slightly impact the fluency and precision of expression.
How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, strive for greater accuracy in word choice and collocation. Pay attention to idiomatic expressions and ensure that they are used correctly. Additionally, aim for more diversity in vocabulary to further enrich the essay. Proofreading for minor errors will contribute to a smoother and more polished lexical presentation.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay displays a commendable variety of complex structures, demonstrating a good control of grammar and punctuation. It effectively employs a mix of sentence types, integrating both simple and complex structures to convey ideas. The essay maintains a fairly consistent level of error-free sentences throughout, with minor errors occasionally surfacing as ‘slips’, though these do not hinder communication significantly.
How to improve:
To aim for a higher score, strive for even greater precision in complex sentence structures. While the essay does showcase a wide range of sentence types, refining the accuracy further by minimizing those rare errors will enhance the overall grammatical finesse. Pay particular attention to sentence structures and ensure that the complexity doesn’t compromise accuracy.
Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a notable ability to construct a variety of sentence forms. With a bit more attention to precision, it could easily move toward an even higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
While one school of thought holds that young individuals should engage in volunteer activities, others object to this notion due to potential negative impacts on their careers. This essay aims to elaborate on both perspectives and the reasons why I am favorable toward the former.
On one hand, many argue that unpaid work may have adverse effects on youths’ employment for two primary reasons. The first significant reason is its potential time-consuming nature. To further explain, considering the demanding schedules with teenagers dedicating 10-12 hours per day to studying, it is advisable for them to engage in community service only when they have surplus leisure time. Otherwise, taking on volunteering alongside academic commitments could lead to unsatisfactory academic performance, thereby negatively affecting youngsters’ professional qualifications. Another crucial factor relates to concerns about exploitation. For instance, organizations might exploit young novices by assigning them repetitive or menial tasks with limited learning or growth opportunities. Consequently, the lack of essential skills may make it challenging for teenagers to compete effectively in the job market.
On the other hand, there are those who support the idea that young people should participate in community service as it provides them with a valuable chance to enhance personal development. A prime example of this is when youths engage in events aimed at aiding underprivileged children through food donation and fundraising. This involvement could establish a solid foundation, enabling teenagers to display excellent performance in the workplace by fostering teamwork skills, effective communication, and the ability to handle diverse situations, which are vital for career advancement. Moreover, participating in this kind of work helps teenagers cultivate virtues like benevolence and empathy. Consequently, it positively boosts both adolescents’ self-advancement, demonstrating the benefits of youngsters’ involvement in voluntary work.
In conclusion, despite recognizing the potential negative impacts of unpaid work on youths’ future careers, I firmly support the view that teenage individuals should engage in community service due to the wide range of benefits it offers. These benefits are essential and outweigh the drawbacks to the young’s career paths.