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Some people think that zoos are cruel and should be closed down. Others, however, believe that zoos can be useful in protecting wild animals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people think that zoos are cruel and should be closed down. Others, however, believe that zoos can be useful in protecting wild animals.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people argue that zoos help to preserve wild creatures, while others say that they are inhumane and should be abolished. While the development of breeding programs contributes to the preservation of endangered species, I believe that the poor conditions that many animals held in captivity are kept in make the existence of zoos unacceptable.

On the one hand, there are many projects in existence in zoological parks around the world where species facing extinction have been successfully bred in captivity and their numbers have increased substantially. This is important for ensuring the survival of animals under threat from poaching and the destruction of their natural environments. A good example of this is the golden lion tamarin from Brazil which nearly died out because of logging and mining activities which are destroying its habitat. Today, a third of wild golden lion tamarins were raised in captivity.

On the other hand, a significant percentage of zoos house their animals in cramped cages with very little space to move around or behave naturally. This can lead to them becoming distressed and depressed as well as suffering physically through lack of exercise. A friend of mine recently visited a wildlife park while on holiday abroad and was very upset to see the lions pacing up and down in a narrow, bare pen and eagles in enclosures so small that they were unable to fly.

In conclusion, although zoos do help to safeguard dwindling populations of particular species, the suffering experienced by many captive creatures due to unsuitable living conditions amounts to cruelty and they should not be allowed to exist.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "make the existence of zoos unacceptable" -> "render the existence of zoos unacceptable"
    Explanation: Replacing "make" with "render" elevates the formality of the language, providing a more sophisticated expression that aligns with academic style.

  2. "zoological parks around the world where species facing extinction" -> "zoological parks worldwide where species on the brink of extinction"
    Explanation: Substituting "around the world" with "worldwide" and "facing" with "on the brink of" enhances conciseness and formal precision, respectively.

  3. "have been successfully bred in captivity and their numbers have increased substantially" -> "have been successfully bred in captivity, significantly bolstering their populations"
    Explanation: Introducing the term "substantially" with "bolstering" refines the expression, making it more academically robust.

  4. "A good example of this is the golden lion tamarin from Brazil which nearly died out" -> "Illustratively, the golden lion tamarin from Brazil, which faced near-extinction"
    Explanation: Replacing "A good example of this is" with "Illustratively" adds a formal touch, and using "faced near-extinction" provides a more precise and descriptive expression.

  5. "Today, a third of wild golden lion tamarins were raised in captivity" -> "Presently, one-third of the wild golden lion tamarin population has been raised in captivity"
    Explanation: Shifting from "Today" to "Presently" and rephrasing to "one-third of the wild golden lion tamarin population" contribute to a more formal and precise presentation.

  6. "cramped cages with very little space to move around or behave naturally" -> "confined enclosures with minimal space for movement and natural behavior"
    Explanation: Replacing "cramped cages" with "confined enclosures" and restructuring the sentence improves formality and clarity.

  7. "lead to them becoming distressed and depressed" -> "result in them experiencing distress and depression"
    Explanation: Substituting "lead to" with "result in" and refining the wording to "experiencing distress and depression" enhances formality and clarity.

  8. "a wildlife park while on holiday abroad" -> "a wildlife park during an overseas vacation"
    Explanation: Substituting "while on holiday abroad" with "during an overseas vacation" maintains formality and clarity.

  9. "upset to see the lions pacing up and down" -> "disturbed to witness the lions pacing"
    Explanation: Replacing "upset to see" with "disturbed to witness" provides a more formal and emotionally neutral expression.

  10. "enclosures so small that they were unable to fly" -> "enclosures, restricting their ability to fly"
    Explanation: The modification helps maintain formality while improving precision in describing the enclosures’ impact on the eagles’ ability to fly.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument. It acknowledges the role of zoos in preserving endangered species but firmly presents the viewpoint that poor living conditions make zoos unacceptable. Relevant examples, such as the success with the golden lion tamarin, support the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider exploring additional perspectives or counterarguments briefly. This could provide a more nuanced and well-rounded discussion.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance against the existence of zoos due to poor living conditions for animals. The position is evident from the introduction through the supporting paragraphs to the conclusion, providing consistency.
    • How to improve: Continue reinforcing and reiterating the main position throughout the essay to enhance clarity. Ensure that every paragraph contributes to the overall stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, offering a balanced discussion of both perspectives. The example of the golden lion tamarin illustrates the success of breeding programs, while specific instances of poor conditions (lions pacing in narrow pens, eagles unable to fly) support the argument against zoos.
    • How to improve: To further extend ideas, consider elaborating on the potential alternatives to zoos or suggesting improvements in zoo management practices. This would add depth to the discussion.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains on topic by discussing both views on zoos and offering a personal opinion. There are no significant deviations from the prompt.
    • How to improve: To ensure sustained focus, connect each paragraph explicitly to the main topic and the essay’s central argument. Avoid tangential discussions that may distract from the primary theme.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively presenting arguments, and providing relevant examples. To further improve, consider expanding the discussion to include additional perspectives and exploring alternative solutions to the issues raised.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically by presenting both sides of the argument before expressing the author’s opinion. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, followed by balanced paragraphs discussing the benefits and drawbacks of zoos. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow within paragraphs. For instance, the transition from discussing the positive aspects of zoos to the negative ones could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more transitional phrases within and between paragraphs. Ensure that the progression of ideas is clear, creating a seamless connection between each point. For example, in the transition from discussing breeding programs to poor living conditions, explicitly guide the reader through the shift in focus.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to structure the information. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, facilitating readability. However, there’s a minor issue with the third paragraph, where the mention of a friend’s experience could be integrated more smoothly into the overall flow.
    • How to improve: Work on ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas within paragraphs are presented in a coherent order. In the third paragraph, consider introducing the friend’s experience more seamlessly, perhaps by connecting it to the broader discussion of poor living conditions in zoos.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices effectively, with the use of pronouns, conjunctions, and linking words to connect ideas. For instance, the transition between the positive and negative aspects of zoos is facilitated by phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand." However, there’s a slight repetition of the phrase "golden lion tamarin," which could be varied for better cohesion.
    • How to improve: While maintaining cohesion, strive for lexical variety. Instead of frequently repeating the term "golden lion tamarin," consider using pronouns like "they" or "these species" to avoid redundancy. Additionally, explore diverse ways to express the same idea without sounding repetitive.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of coherence and cohesion, refining the transitions within paragraphs and diversifying language use would further elevate the overall organization and flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to incorporate varied terms such as "breeding programs," "poaching," and "destruction of natural environments." However, some areas lack diversity, and simpler terms like "cramped cages" are used more frequently.
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider using more sophisticated synonyms and expressions. For example, instead of frequently using "cramped cages," you could employ alternatives like "confining enclosures" or "restrictive habitats" to showcase a broader vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary is generally used with precision, but there are instances where more specific terminology could be employed. For instance, when discussing the negative impact on animals, terms like "distressed" and "depressed" are appropriately used, but further specificity could be achieved by incorporating precise terms such as "psychologically traumatized" or "emotionally distressed."
    • How to improve: Aim for a finer level of precision by incorporating more nuanced vocabulary. This could involve using words that capture the specific nature of the animals’ psychological states or the conditions they endure, providing a more detailed and accurate description.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy. There are no noticeable spelling errors, contributing to a clear and polished presentation.
    • How to improve: Given the essay’s commendable spelling accuracy, maintaining this consistency is essential. Regularly proofread your work to catch any potential errors. Additionally, continue to expand your vocabulary, as a broader lexicon often correlates with improved spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an overall effective use of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of lexical range and precision. Incorporating more diverse and specific terms would elevate the essay’s sophistication. The spelling accuracy is commendable and should be sustained through thorough proofreading.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of sentence structures. It utilizes complex sentences, compound sentences, and some advanced structures, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand." However, there is room for improvement in the variety of sentence structures. The majority of sentences are straightforward, and more sophisticated structures could be incorporated for greater stylistic diversity.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex and compound-complex sentences. Introduce relative clauses, participial phrases, and varied sentence lengths to create a more engaging and nuanced writing style. For instance, instead of relying heavily on simple sentences, experiment with combining ideas into more intricate structures.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains accurate grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement is not strictly adhered to, such as in "a significant percentage of zoos house their animals." Additionally, there’s a need for more precise punctuation usage, particularly in the placement of commas and the structure of complex sentences.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Proofread for comma placement, especially in complex sentences, to enhance clarity and avoid potential misinterpretations. Consider utilizing punctuation marks like semicolons and colons to diversify sentence structures and improve overall punctuation accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, with some room for refinement in sentence structure variety and precise punctuation usage. Incorporating these suggestions will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The debate over the ethicality of zoos continues, with some advocating for their role in preserving endangered species, while others condemn them as inhumane establishments that should be shut down. While breeding programs within zoological parks have effectively increased the populations of endangered species, I am inclined to believe that the deplorable conditions many captive animals endure render the existence of zoos unacceptable.

On one hand, numerous zoos worldwide have implemented breeding programs that have proven successful in bolstering the populations of species on the brink of extinction. These initiatives play a crucial role in safeguarding animals threatened by poaching and habitat destruction. For instance, the golden lion tamarin from Brazil, once facing near-extinction due to logging and mining activities, has seen a significant resurgence. Presently, one-third of the wild golden lion tamarin population has been raised in captivity, ensuring their survival.

On the flip side, a considerable number of zoos confine their animals in enclosures with minimal space, hindering their natural behaviors and causing distress and depression. A recent personal experience illustrates this issue vividly: a friend visited a wildlife park during an overseas vacation and was disturbed to witness the lions pacing in a narrow, bare pen and eagles in enclosures so restricting that they couldn’t fly.

In conclusion, while zoos contribute to the preservation of endangered species through successful breeding programs, the grim reality of many captive creatures enduring unsuitable living conditions cannot be overlooked. The suffering they endure is a form of cruelty that challenges the acceptability of zoos in their current state. Efforts should be made to address and rectify these issues to ensure the ethical treatment of animals within these establishments.

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