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Some people think that zoos are cruel and should be closed down. Others; however, believed that zoos can be useful in protecting wild animals. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Some people think that zoos are cruel and should be closed down. Others; however, believed that zoos can be useful in protecting wild animals. Discuss both views and give your opinion

In this day and age, there are more and more agruments about zoos and animals in there. Some presumes that people ought to close down all zoos and animals should have their freedom. Others claim that they are advantageous and bring safety to animals. I believe that it is not necessary that zoos are closed.
On the hand, many people went to the zoos and they had a look that animals in there are in cramped cages with a small space though there are big creatures like lions, tigers,…This results in depression and tension for them. Moreover animals don’t have freedom, survivor skills and controllers prevent them from living in natural habitats. For instance, for animals in zoos, they will not have sensitivity and slower than others live freely. Additionally, zoos don’t provide adequate foods, beverages and vegetables for animals. This leads to that they become thiner and more drained as well as their health is affected considerably.
On the other hand, zoos are really benificial in keeping and protecting animals which are in danger of extinction. They take responsibilities for saving them from threats and danger around them in this planet. Because of the fact that animals is an important part of the ecosystem balance. For example, the Safari Zoo adopts and contains numerous extinct species, they ensure that they will keep animals either safety and well-being or provide fresh foods and drinks for them. In addition, most zoos create broad and comfortable spaces for them to move and sleep. This makes them more energetic for growing.
To sum up, though zoos are cruel and have certain disadvantages, I believe that zoos are more useful in both protecting animals from extinction and safety and betterment for their lives.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "In this day and age" -> "Currently"
    Explanation: "In this day and age" is a somewhat colloquial expression. "Currently" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

  2. "agruments" -> "arguments"
    Explanation: "Agruments" is a typographical error. The correct spelling is "arguments."

  3. "there are more and more agruments" -> "there is an increasing number of arguments"
    Explanation: "There are more and more agruments" is awkward and incorrect. "There is an increasing number of arguments" is clearer and more formal.

  4. "Some presumes" -> "Some people presume"
    Explanation: "Some presumes" is grammatically incorrect. "Some people presume" corrects the subject-verb agreement and maintains formal tone.

  5. "ought to close down all zoos" -> "should be closed"
    Explanation: "Ought to close down all zoos" is verbose and informal. "Should be closed" is concise and formal.

  6. "animals should have their freedom" -> "animals should be granted freedom"
    Explanation: "Animals should have their freedom" is somewhat vague. "Animals should be granted freedom" specifies the action and is more precise.

  7. "On the hand" -> "On the other hand"
    Explanation: "On the hand" is a typographical error. "On the other hand" is the correct phrase.

  8. "many people went to the zoos" -> "many people visit zoos"
    Explanation: "Went to the zoos" is informal and imprecise. "Visit zoos" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

  9. "they had a look that animals in there are" -> "they observe that animals in captivity are"
    Explanation: "They had a look that animals in there are" is informal and unclear. "They observe that animals in captivity are" is more precise and formal.

  10. "cramped cages with a small space" -> "small enclosures"
    Explanation: "Cramped cages with a small space" is redundant. "Small enclosures" is more concise and maintains the formal tone.

  11. "This results in depression and tension for them" -> "This leads to depression and stress in them"
    Explanation: "This results in depression and tension for them" is slightly informal and imprecise. "This leads to depression and stress in them" is more specific and formal.

  12. "don’t have freedom, survivor skills and controllers prevent them from living in natural habitats" -> "lack freedom, and their survival skills are hindered by confinement and lack of natural habitats"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the meaning and maintains a formal tone.

  13. "they will not have sensitivity and slower than others live freely" -> "they may lose sensitivity and become less active than those living freely"
    Explanation: "They will not have sensitivity and slower than others live freely" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revised version corrects these issues and improves clarity.

  14. "benificial" -> "beneficial"
    Explanation: "Benificial" is a typographical error. The correct spelling is "beneficial."

  15. "take responsibilities for saving them" -> "take responsibility for saving them"
    Explanation: "Take responsibilities" is grammatically incorrect. "Take responsibility" is the correct form.

  16. "animals is an important part of the ecosystem balance" -> "animals are an important part of the ecosystem balance"
    Explanation: "Animals is" is grammatically incorrect. "Animals are" corrects the subject-verb agreement.

  17. "they ensure that they will keep animals either safety and well-being or provide fresh foods and drinks for them" -> "they ensure the safety and well-being of the animals, providing them with fresh food and water"
    Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revised version is clearer and more formal.

  18. "This makes them more energetic for growing" -> "This enhances their vitality and promotes their growth"
    Explanation: "This makes them more energetic for growing" is informal and vague. "This enhances their vitality and promotes their growth" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding the role of zoos, discussing the arguments for closing them down due to animal welfare concerns and the counterarguments highlighting their role in conservation. However, the discussion could be more balanced. The first viewpoint is elaborated with examples of animal suffering, while the second viewpoint, although present, lacks depth and specific examples. The conclusion reiterates the author’s opinion but does not fully synthesize the arguments presented.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that both perspectives are given equal weight. Include more specific examples and evidence for both sides. For instance, mention specific conservation programs or successful breeding initiatives in zoos to support the argument for their usefulness.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that zoos should not be closed, but the stance could be more consistently reinforced throughout the text. The introduction states the belief against closing zoos, but the conclusion could better encapsulate this position by summarizing the key arguments that support it.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, consistently refer back to the thesis statement in each paragraph. Use transitional phrases that link back to the main argument, reinforcing the author’s stance after discussing each viewpoint.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented but not always fully developed or supported. For example, the claim that animals in zoos suffer from depression is mentioned, but it lacks statistical or anecdotal evidence. The argument for zoos being beneficial is also underdeveloped, with vague references to "numerous extinct species" without specifics.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the essay by providing more detailed examples and evidence. For instance, cite specific species that have been successfully bred in captivity or mention studies that show the psychological effects of captivity on animals. This will add credibility and depth to the arguments.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt effectively. However, there are instances of vague phrasing and grammatical errors that detract from clarity. For example, phrases like "animals don’t have freedom, survivor skills and controllers prevent them from living in natural habitats" could be clearer and more precise.
    • How to improve: Focus on clarity and coherence in writing. Avoid vague terms and ensure that each sentence contributes directly to the argument. Proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will help maintain focus on the topic and improve overall readability.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay could potentially achieve a higher band score in the Task Response criterion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure by discussing both views on the topic of zoos before providing the writer’s opinion. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are divided into arguments for and against zoos. However, the logical flow could be improved; for instance, the transition between the two sides is somewhat abrupt. The argument against zoos starts with "On the hand," which should be "On the one hand," and lacks a smooth transition to the counterargument.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that transitions between paragraphs and ideas are clear and fluid. Using phrases like "Conversely" or "In contrast" can help signal shifts in perspective. Additionally, consider using a more structured approach to present arguments, such as clearly stating the main point of each paragraph at the beginning.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. The first paragraph introduces the topic, the second discusses the negative aspects of zoos, and the third presents the positive aspects. However, the paragraphs could be more developed, with clearer topic sentences and supporting details. For example, the second paragraph lacks a strong concluding sentence that ties the arguments back to the main point about cruelty.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Follow this with supporting sentences that provide evidence or examples. Conclude each paragraph with a sentence that summarizes the main point and links it back to the overall argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," "For instance," and "In addition," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For example, "animals in zoos" is mentioned multiple times without variation, which can disrupt the flow of reading.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "On the contrary," and "Consequently." Additionally, vary the vocabulary used to refer to the same subjects; for instance, instead of repeatedly saying "animals in zoos," consider using synonyms or rephrasing to maintain reader engagement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in logical flow, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it is somewhat limited in variety and sophistication. For instance, terms like "animals," "zoos," and "freedom" are repeated frequently, which detracts from the overall lexical diversity. Phrases like "cramped cages" and "important part of the ecosystem balance" show some effort to use varied language, but the overall vocabulary lacks depth and complexity.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "animals," alternatives like "wildlife," "creatures," or "species" could be employed. Additionally, using more advanced adjectives and adverbs, such as "confining" instead of "cramped" or "critical" instead of "important," would elevate the lexical quality.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that may confuse the reader. For example, the phrase "they will not have sensitivity and slower than others live freely" is unclear and awkwardly constructed. The term "survivor skills" should be "survival skills," and "controllers" is vague and does not accurately convey the intended meaning. Such inaccuracies can lead to misunderstandings of the arguments being presented.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. For instance, replacing "controllers" with "zookeepers" or "staff" would clarify the role being discussed. Additionally, revising awkward phrases for clarity, such as changing "they will not have sensitivity" to "they may lose their natural instincts," would enhance the overall precision of the vocabulary used.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. Words such as "agruments" (arguments), "benificial" (beneficial), "thiner" (thinner), and "survivor skills" (survival skills) are misspelled, which can negatively impact the reader’s perception of the writer’s language proficiency.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or tools that provide feedback. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help catch and correct spelling mistakes. Reading more widely can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of lexical resource, there are significant areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it primarily relies on simple and compound sentences. For example, phrases like "Some presumes that people ought to close down all zoos" and "Others claim that they are advantageous" show basic sentence formation. However, more complex structures are lacking, such as conditional sentences or varied clause usage. The use of phrases like "On the hand" and "On the other hand" indicates an attempt to structure arguments, but the overall complexity remains low.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, such as those using subordinate clauses (e.g., "Although many people believe zoos are cruel, they also serve important conservation purposes"). Additionally, varying sentence beginnings and using different grammatical forms (e.g., gerunds, infinitives) can add depth to the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For instance, "agruments" should be "arguments," and "there are big creatures like lions, tigers,…" is awkwardly phrased and incorrectly punctuated. The phrase "On the hand" should be "On the one hand," and "animals is an important part" should be "animals are an important part." Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent, leading to run-on sentences and unclear ideas.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for spelling errors and subject-verb agreement. Practicing sentence structure and punctuation rules, such as comma usage in lists and clauses, will also be beneficial. For example, revising "This leads to that they become thiner and more drained" to "This leads to them becoming thinner and more drained" would enhance clarity and grammatical correctness. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on drafts can help solidify these skills.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument, addressing these areas of grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of writing and potentially improve the band score in future assessments.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this day and age, there are an increasing number of arguments about zoos and the animals within them. Some people presume that all zoos should be closed and that animals should be granted freedom. Others claim that zoos can be beneficial and provide safety for animals. I believe that it is not necessary for zoos to be closed.

On one hand, many people visit zoos and observe that animals in captivity are often kept in cramped cages with limited space, despite being large creatures like lions and tigers. This leads to depression and stress for them. Moreover, animals lack freedom, and their survival skills are hindered by confinement and the absence of natural habitats. For instance, animals in zoos may lose sensitivity and become less active than those living freely. Additionally, zoos often do not provide adequate food, water, and vegetation for the animals. This results in them becoming thinner and more drained, significantly affecting their health.

On the other hand, zoos are truly beneficial in keeping and protecting animals that are in danger of extinction. They take responsibility for saving these animals from threats and dangers in their natural environments. Animals are an important part of the ecosystem balance. For example, Safari Zoos adopt and house numerous endangered species, ensuring their safety and well-being by providing them with fresh food and water. In addition, many zoos create spacious and comfortable environments for animals to move and rest. This enhances their vitality and promotes their growth.

To sum up, although zoos can be seen as cruel and have certain disadvantages, I believe that they play a crucial role in protecting animals from extinction and ensuring their safety and well-being.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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