Some people think young people should be free to choose his or her jobs, but other people think they should be realistic and think more about their future. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

While it is believed that it should be free for adults to choose his or her jobs, other people think that they should look at the reality future. There is indeed a strong case to be made for both sides of this debate, which will be discussed now.
On the one hand, it is understanding why young people can choose a job freely is good. First of all, it brings advantages to their mental health. In fact, when people are keen on their favorite job, it brings them a sense of happiness that has positive effects on mental health. For example, if a singer is keen on their job, their mood is so good that helps them have many inspirational songs. Secondly, it would be a benefit for their economic development. Particularly, when they have motivation, they try their best to finish tasks, which will help them have a good income. For instance, if you apply for your ideal job, that motivation helps you do tasks perfectly and could be a big step in your career.
On the other hand, there are many compelling reasons why adolescents have to look at the future instead of dreaming ambiguously. Firstly, it is beneficial for their economy. To be specific, when they choose a certain job, their financial state is strong enough to survive until older. For example, becoming a teacher who has a pension is better than becoming an artist, your drawing might not be accepted or sold. Secondly, it is an advantage for their career. Particularly, when young people are free to choose their jobs, they can struggle to reach the peak of a career that also affects to living standard or monthly salaries. For example, with many ambitious people, if they want to become managers, they will choose a stable job in a company to get it as soon as possible.
In conclusion, despite the pleasure following an enjoyable career, it is a good way to consider taking reality into account at the same time.

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Errors and Improvements:

"it should be free for adults to choose his or her jobs" -> "adults should have the freedom to choose their jobs"
Explanation: The phrase "it should be free for adults" is awkward and not idiomatic. Using "adults should have the freedom" is clearer and more formal.
"other people think that they should look at the reality future" -> "others argue that a realistic approach to the future is necessary"
Explanation: "Look at the reality future" is not a standard expression. "A realistic approach to the future" is more precise and fits academic style better.
"it is understanding why young people can choose a job freely is good" -> "understanding why allowing young people to choose jobs freely is beneficial"
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and has a grammatical issue. Restructuring it makes the meaning clearer and more formal.
"it brings advantages to their mental health" -> "it offers benefits to their mental well-being"
Explanation: "Advantages to their mental health" could be improved by using "benefits to their mental well-being," which is more specific and formal.
"when people are keen on their favorite job, it brings them a sense of happiness that has positive effects on mental health" -> "when individuals are passionate about their work, it fosters happiness and positively impacts mental health"
Explanation: The original sentence is wordy and lacks precision. The revised version is clearer and uses more appropriate vocabulary.
"For example, if a singer is keen on their job, their mood is so good that helps them have many inspirational songs." -> "For instance, when a singer is passionate about their work, their improved mood often leads to the creation of inspirational songs."
Explanation: The original sentence is informal and lacks structure. The revised version is more formal and clarifies the cause-effect relationship.
"Secondly, it would be a benefit for their economic development." -> "Secondly, it would contribute to their economic development."
Explanation: Using "contribute to" is more precise and fits better with academic language than "it would be a benefit."
"when they have motivation, they try their best to finish tasks, which will help them have a good income" -> "motivated individuals strive to complete tasks effectively, leading to a higher income"
Explanation: The original sentence is wordy and lacks clarity. The suggested revision is more concise and formal.
"if you apply for your ideal job, that motivation helps you do tasks perfectly and could be a big step in your career." -> "pursuing one’s ideal job with motivation leads to performing tasks effectively, potentially advancing one’s career significantly."
Explanation: The revised sentence is more structured and uses formal vocabulary to convey the message more clearly.
"there are many compelling reasons why adolescents have to look at the future instead of dreaming ambiguously." -> "there are numerous compelling reasons why adolescents should plan for the future rather than engage in vague aspirations."
Explanation: "Look at the future" is vague and colloquial, while "plan for the future" is more precise and formal.
"when they choose a certain job, their financial state is strong enough to survive until older." -> "choosing a specific job ensures a stable financial situation into old age."
Explanation: The revised sentence is clearer and more direct in conveying the idea of financial stability.
"becoming a teacher who has a pension is better than becoming an artist, your drawing might not be accepted or sold." -> "Opting for a career like teaching, which includes pension benefits, is preferable to pursuing an artistic career where there may be uncertainty about acceptance or sales."
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and lacks clarity. The revised version provides a clearer and more structured comparison.
"with many ambitious people, if they want to become managers, they will choose a stable job in a company to get it as soon as possible." -> "Ambitious individuals aspiring for managerial positions often opt for stable jobs in companies to expedite their career growth."
Explanation: The revision maintains clarity while using more formal and concise language.
"despite the pleasure following an enjoyable career" -> "despite the satisfaction derived from a fulfilling career"
Explanation: Using "satisfaction derived from a fulfilling career" is more specific and formal than "pleasure following an enjoyable career."

These revisions aim to enhance the essay’s academic tone, improve clarity, and align the language with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both views presented in the prompt, discussing the freedom of choice for young people regarding their careers versus the importance of considering future prospects. However, the discussion lacks depth and clarity, and some parts of the prompt are not fully addressed. For instance, while the essay touches upon the benefits of freedom of choice and considering future prospects, it does not explicitly mention the importance of presenting one’s own opinion, which is a crucial component of the prompt.
- How to improve: To improve in this area, it’s essential to thoroughly analyze each aspect of the prompt and ensure that the essay not only discusses both views presented but also clearly presents the writer’s own opinion. Providing specific examples and elaborating on each viewpoint can enhance the comprehensiveness of the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a somewhat clear position throughout, albeit with some ambiguity. While it acknowledges the benefits of both freedom of choice and considering future prospects, the writer’s stance is not explicitly stated. Additionally, the essay lacks consistency in maintaining a clear stance, as it oscillates between discussing the advantages of freedom of choice and the importance of considering future prospects without clearly aligning with one perspective.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency in presenting a position, it’s crucial for the writer to clearly state their opinion in the introduction and maintain that stance throughout the essay. Providing strong supporting arguments and examples that align with the chosen position can reinforce the clarity of the writer’s standpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both sides of the argument but lacks sufficient development and support. The arguments presented are somewhat superficial and lack elaboration, with limited examples provided to support the claims made. Additionally, the essay would benefit from better organization and coherence to enhance the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To improve in this aspect, the writer should aim to extend and develop their ideas further by providing detailed explanations and relevant examples. Strengthening the coherence and logical progression of ideas can also improve the overall structure of the essay, making it easier for the reader to follow the argumentation.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to address the topic of freedom of choice in career decisions versus considering future prospects, it occasionally deviates from the main focus. Some parts of the essay lack relevance to the prompt or provide tangential information that detracts from the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To ensure better adherence to the topic, it’s essential to maintain a clear focus on addressing the specific aspects of the prompt throughout the essay. Avoiding tangential discussions and ensuring that every point made directly contributes to the central argument can help improve relevance and coherence. Additionally, outlining the main points before writing can aid in staying focused on the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally coherent organization by presenting arguments for both perspectives on the issue. However, there are instances of unclear expression and repetition that disrupt the logical flow. For instance, in the second paragraph, the transition from discussing the benefits of freely choosing a job to discussing the advantages of considering future prospects is abrupt, lacking a smooth segue.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on maintaining a clear and consistent progression of ideas throughout the essay. Use transitional phrases or sentences to smoothly transition between different points or arguments. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and supporting details that relate directly to that idea.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different points of discussion, which aids readability. However, some paragraphs lack unity and coherence, with ideas sometimes feeling disconnected within the same paragraph. For instance, the second paragraph combines discussions about the benefits of choosing a job freely and the benefits of considering future prospects without a clear transition between the two.
- How to improve: Aim to create more cohesive and focused paragraphs by ensuring that each paragraph centers on a single main idea or argument. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that clearly states the main point, and provide supporting evidence or examples to develop that point coherently. Consider restructuring paragraphs to maintain a logical flow of ideas and prevent tangential discussions within the same paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," to indicate shifts between different viewpoints. However, there is limited variety in cohesive devices used throughout the essay, resulting in a repetitive and monotonous style. Additionally, some connections between ideas are weak or unclear, hindering overall cohesion.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used to connect ideas and create a smoother flow of argumentation. Incorporate a wider range of transition words and phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "Conversely") to signal relationships between different points or arguments. Ensure that connections between ideas are explicit and logical, allowing the reader to follow the progression of thought more easily. Additionally, consider using pronouns and referencing techniques to maintain coherence within and between paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "advantages," "keen," "motivation," "compelling," "ambiguous," and "advantage." However, there is a noticeable repetition of certain terms, such as "job" and "career," which could be diversified to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve lexical resource, consider utilizing synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "job" or "career," explore alternatives like "profession," "vocation," "occupation," or "employment."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally communicates ideas effectively, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that could be refined for greater clarity. For example, the phrase "dreaming ambiguously" may not precisely convey the intended meaning. Additionally, the use of "peak of a career" could be more specific.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, strive for clearer and more specific language. Instead of "dreaming ambiguously," consider using phrases like "pursuing uncertain career paths" or "choosing careers without clear prospects." Similarly, instead of "peak of a career," specify whether it refers to achieving a leadership position, professional recognition, or another milestone.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with no glaring errors evident. However, there are minor issues, such as "his or her jobs" (should be "their jobs") and "understanding why young people can choose a job freely is good" (awkward phrasing).
- How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy and overall clarity, proofreading carefully and revising awkward phrasings can be beneficial. Additionally, considering grammatical structures for smoother expression would contribute to the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is a tendency towards simplistic structures, which could limit the essay’s sophistication. For instance, there is a repetition of sentence structures such as "Firstly, it is…" and "Secondly, it is…". Additionally, some sentences lack complexity, affecting the overall fluency and coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence patterns such as complex-compound sentences, conditional sentences, and relative clauses. Varying the sentence length and structure will add depth to the essay and improve its overall readability.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors throughout. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("Some people think young people should be free to choose his or her jobs"), articles ("it should be free for adults"), and word choice ("understanding why young people can choose a job freely is good"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, including missing commas and incorrect usage of conjunctions.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s crucial to review and practice grammar rules, particularly focusing on subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure. Proofreading the essay carefully can help identify and correct punctuation errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify recurring mistakes and areas for improvement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable grasp of grammatical structures and punctuation, there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures used and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By incorporating more diverse sentence structures and addressing grammatical inaccuracies, the essay can achieve a higher level of clarity, coherence, and sophistication.

Bài sửa mẫu

While some advocate for the freedom of adults to choose their jobs, others argue for a more pragmatic approach focused on future prospects. Both perspectives hold merit and will be explored here.

On one hand, the notion of allowing young people to freely pursue their desired careers has its merits. Firstly, it positively impacts their mental well-being. Pursuing a job one is passionate about brings a sense of fulfillment, contributing to better mental health. For instance, a singer who loves their craft is likely to be in a good mood, leading to the creation of inspirational music. Secondly, such freedom can boost economic development. When individuals are motivated by their passion, they are more likely to excel in their tasks, resulting in higher income. For example, if one pursues their dream job with enthusiasm, they are inclined to perform exceptionally well, thus advancing their career.

On the other hand, there are valid reasons why young people should consider the practical aspects of their future rather than solely pursuing their dreams. Firstly, it ensures financial stability. Opting for a job with long-term financial security, such as teaching with its associated pension benefits, can provide stability in the long run, unlike professions like art where success is uncertain. Secondly, it facilitates career advancement. By strategically choosing jobs aligned with their career goals, young individuals can expedite their progress and improve their standard of living. For instance, many ambitious individuals opt for stable corporate positions to accelerate their journey to managerial roles.

In conclusion, while the pursuit of a fulfilling career is important, it is prudent to balance dreams with reality. Encouraging young people to consider both their passions and the practicalities of the future can lead to a more well-rounded approach to career decisions.