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Some people think young people should follow the traditions of their society. Others think that they should be free to behave as individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people think young people should follow the traditions of their society. Others think that they should be free to behave as individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is often said that the young generation could benefit greatly from following their social traditions. However, an arguments about people’s rights to behave freely can also be made against the idea. This essay will discuss the debate and give a concluding view.

On the one hand, those who support traditional customs cite various merits they could bring to young people. Tradition reinforces values such as personal responsibility and work ethics, which form the structure and foundation of our family and society. Therefore, when children and adolescents are taught to adhere to these moral values, they could become more self-disciplined and well-behaved. For instance, Japanese people are renowned worldwide for their courtesy and discipline by acting in accordance with their cultural norms. This serves as a precursor to a thriving and civilized society.

On the other hand, proponents of young people’s freedoms point out that they should have their own way of life since some traditions in the form of social biases are detrimental to them, especially females. As a matter of fact, some of these traditions tend to promote gender inequality, which impose outdated ideas on young women. Examples can be found in some countries where young girls are taught that their responsibility is only childbearing and child-rearing. These customs limit their potential, leading to a male-dominated society. And for that reason, the forward-thinking young generation should be the one to freely explore new social norms by abandoning outdated customs.

In conclusion, it seems advisable that the decision to adhere to social tradition falls on the young generation themselves. As long as they are certain about their personal and traditional values, they would act rationally and properly.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is often said that" -> "It is widely acknowledged that"
    Explanation: Replacing "It is often said that" with "It is widely acknowledged that" adds formality and sophistication to the statement, aligning it better with academic style.

  2. "an arguments about" -> "arguments regarding"
    Explanation: Changing "an arguments about" to "arguments regarding" corrects the grammatical error and employs a more suitable phrase for academic writing.

  3. "people’s rights to behave freely" -> "individuals’ rights to express themselves freely"
    Explanation: Substituting "people’s rights to behave freely" with "individuals’ rights to express themselves freely" provides a more precise and formal expression, avoiding ambiguity.

  4. "This essay will discuss the debate and give a concluding view." -> "This essay will explore the debate and present a conclusive perspective."
    Explanation: Replacing "discuss" with "explore" and "give a concluding view" with "present a conclusive perspective" enhances the formality and clarity of the sentence.

  5. "those who support traditional customs" -> "advocates of conventional practices"
    Explanation: Substituting "those who support traditional customs" with "advocates of conventional practices" employs a more sophisticated term while maintaining the intended meaning.

  6. "merits they could bring to young people" -> "benefits they could impart to the younger generation"
    Explanation: Changing "merits they could bring to young people" to "benefits they could impart to the younger generation" introduces a more refined and academic phrasing.

  7. "when children and adolescents are taught" -> "when juveniles are instructed"
    Explanation: Replacing "children and adolescents" with "juveniles" and "are taught" with "are instructed" contributes to a more formal and precise expression.

  8. "well-behaved" -> "disciplined and respectful"
    Explanation: Substituting "well-behaved" with "disciplined and respectful" offers a more detailed and formal description of the desired outcome.

  9. "For instance, Japanese people are renowned worldwide for their courtesy and discipline by acting in accordance with their cultural norms." -> "For example, the Japanese are globally acclaimed for their courtesy and discipline, manifested through adherence to cultural norms."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves its flow and clarity, while the use of "manifested through adherence" adds formality.

  10. "proponents of young people’s freedoms" -> "advocates for the liberties of the youth"
    Explanation: Replacing "proponents of young people’s freedoms" with "advocates for the liberties of the youth" employs a more formal and precise term.

  11. "some traditions in the form of social biases" -> "certain customs perpetuating social biases"
    Explanation: Changing "some traditions in the form of social biases" to "certain customs perpetuating social biases" provides a more accurate and nuanced expression.

  12. "detrimental to them, especially females" -> "detrimental, particularly to females"
    Explanation: Adjusting the placement of "especially females" to "detrimental, particularly to females" enhances the sentence’s structure and formality.

  13. "forward-thinking young generation" -> "progressive younger generation"
    Explanation: Substituting "forward-thinking young generation" with "progressive younger generation" maintains the positive connotation while employing a more formal term.

  14. "freely explore new social norms" -> "explore novel social norms freely"
    Explanation: Rearranging "freely explore new social norms" to "explore novel social norms freely" improves the sentence’s flow and maintains a formal tone.

  15. "it seems advisable" -> "it appears prudent"
    Explanation: Changing "it seems advisable" to "it appears prudent" introduces a more formal and nuanced expression, enhancing the academic tone.

Note: The essay has been substantially improved by addressing various issues related to formality, precision, and clarity while maintaining a natural language flow.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both perspectives, discussing the benefits of following social traditions and the arguments for individual freedom. It provides a concluding view, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the prompt. For instance, the essay mentions the reinforcement of values through traditions and the drawbacks related to gender biases, presenting a balanced analysis.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider providing more specific examples related to the benefits of following traditions and the potential drawbacks of unrestricted individual freedom. Expanding on these points with concrete illustrations would add depth to the analysis.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance, advocating for the young generation to decide for themselves whether to follow social traditions. The position is consistently presented throughout the essay, contributing to overall clarity.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the stance in the introduction and conclusion. This can ensure that the reader immediately understands the essay’s standpoint.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, discussing the benefits of traditions and the arguments for individual freedom. Examples, such as the Japanese culture, are provided to support the points. However, some ideas could be extended further for a more thorough analysis.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider delving deeper into the potential consequences of unrestricted individual freedom, providing more nuanced arguments. Additionally, expanding on the examples given with specific details would strengthen the essay’s persuasiveness.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the core elements of the prompt. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused. For instance, the mention of "arguments about people’s rights to behave freely" could be elaborated to ensure relevance.
    • How to improve: To maintain a sharper focus, avoid vague statements and ensure that each point made directly contributes to the overall argument. Providing more context and specificity in certain areas can prevent potential digressions.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and presents a clear stance with supporting ideas, refining the use of examples, explicitly stating the position, and maintaining a sharper focus on relevant points could further enhance the overall quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction provides a clear overview of the topic, presenting both sides of the argument. Each body paragraph discusses one perspective coherently, with relevant examples to support the points. The conclusion appropriately summarizes the main points and offers a clear stance. However, there is room for improvement in the transition between paragraphs. Some connections could be smoother to enhance the overall flow of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph to create a smoother flow between ideas. Ensure that the transition logically connects the previous and upcoming points to guide the reader through the essay more seamlessly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with distinct introduction, body, and conclusion sections. Each body paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, presenting examples and analysis. However, the third paragraph is quite long and could benefit from further division to improve readability and emphasize key points.
    • How to improve: Break down the third paragraph into smaller, more focused paragraphs. Each paragraph should address a specific subtopic related to the negative aspects of traditional customs, making it easier for the reader to follow and comprehend.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses cohesive devices, including linking words and phrases, to connect ideas within paragraphs. For example, phrases like "On the one hand," and "On the other hand," are appropriately used to signal shifts between perspectives. However, there is a slight repetition of the phrase "young generation" in the conclusion, which could be diversified for better stylistic variety.
    • How to improve: Introduce synonyms or alternative expressions for "young generation" in the conclusion to avoid repetition. This not only enhances the essay’s linguistic variety but also contributes to a more polished and sophisticated writing style.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of coherence and cohesion. To improve further, focus on enhancing the logical flow between paragraphs, breaking down lengthy paragraphs for better organization, and diversifying language use, especially in the conclusion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some evidence of the ability to use varied words and phrases. For instance, words like "merits," "reinforces," and "precursor" contribute to lexical diversity. However, there is room for improvement in showcasing a more extensive vocabulary to enhance the richness of expression. Specific examples from the essay are somewhat limited, and there is a tendency to rely on a more common vocabulary at times.

    • How to improve: To further enhance the lexical range, try incorporating more sophisticated and contextually fitting vocabulary. For instance, in the introduction, instead of using "It is often said," consider using a more nuanced phrase like "It is widely acknowledged." Additionally, diversify the vocabulary by using synonyms or related terms where appropriate to avoid repetition.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with a fair degree of precision. Examples like "personal responsibility," "work ethics," and "gender inequality" demonstrate a reasonable level of precision. However, there are instances where the language could be more specific, such as in the phrase "customs limit their potential." This could be strengthened by specifying how these customs restrict opportunities or personal growth.

    • How to improve: To enhance precision, consider providing more concrete and detailed examples. Instead of stating that customs limit potential, elaborate on the specific ways in which young individuals are constrained, offering tangible instances. This will add depth to your arguments and make your points more convincing.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate. There are a few minor issues, such as "an arguments" (should be "an argument") and "customs" in the phrase "abandoning outdated customs" (could be "traditions"). However, these errors do not significantly impede understanding.

    • How to improve: Maintain vigilance in proofreading to catch and correct minor spelling errors. Additionally, consider utilizing tools like spell checkers to minimize the risk of oversight. Regular practice in reviewing and correcting spelling can contribute to further accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in lexical resource but could benefit from a more diverse and precise vocabulary. Diligent proofreading for minor spelling errors will further enhance the overall presentation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly diverse range of sentence structures. There is effective use of complex sentences, such as "However, an argument about people’s rights to behave freely can also be made against the idea," and some compound-complex structures, as seen in the concluding sentence. However, a slightly broader variety could be beneficial, incorporating more complex structures and varied sentence beginnings to enhance the overall fluency.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating advanced sentence structures, such as conditional sentences, inverted sentences, and a mix of short and long sentences. Additionally, pay attention to the use of introductory phrases and clauses to add variety and complexity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors, such as "an arguments" (should be "an argument") and "customs limit their potential, leading to a male-dominated society" (the subject-verb agreement issue – "customs limit" should be "customs limit") that slightly affect the fluency. Punctuation is generally accurate, though there are occasional lapses in comma usage, such as after "For instance" in the second paragraph.
    • How to improve: Review and revise for common grammatical errors, paying special attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage. Consider using a variety of punctuation marks to enhance the clarity and flow of the essay. Proofreading for comma placement, especially after introductory phrases, will contribute to smoother transitions between ideas.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy, earning a Band Score of 7. To further enhance this score, the writer should focus on incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and paying meticulous attention to grammatical details, such as subject-verb agreement and punctuation usage.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that the young generation could greatly benefit from adhering to their social traditions. However, arguments regarding individuals’ rights to express themselves freely can also be made against this idea. This essay will explore the debate and present a conclusive perspective.

On one hand, advocates of conventional practices cite various benefits they could impart to the younger generation. Tradition reinforces values such as personal responsibility and work ethics, forming the structure and foundation of our family and society. Therefore, when juveniles are instructed to adhere to these moral values, they could become more disciplined and respectful. For example, the Japanese are globally acclaimed for their courtesy and discipline, manifested through adherence to cultural norms. This serves as a precursor to a thriving and civilized society.

On the other hand, advocates for the liberties of the youth point out that they should be free to explore their own way of life, as certain customs perpetuating social biases can be detrimental, particularly to females. As a matter of fact, some of these traditions tend to promote gender inequality, imposing outdated ideas on young women. Examples can be found in some countries where young girls are taught that their responsibility is solely childbearing and child-rearing. These customs limit their potential, leading to a male-dominated society. And for that reason, the progressive younger generation should be able to explore novel social norms freely by abandoning outdated customs.

In conclusion, it appears prudent that the decision to adhere to social tradition falls on the young generation themselves. As long as they are certain about their personal and traditional values, they would act rationally and properly.

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