Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime.
In this contemporary ara, it is prevalent to see many people who have been in jail, become friendly,kind ones in society.Therefore, a school of thought is that they are the most suitable candidates to tell children the dangers of commiting a crime. To my perspective, while I accept that former criminals are able to share their specific experience being in jail to prevent adolescents from being crimial, I believe that they can also make young generation become empathetic with them and even be led astray. In this essay, I will present some valid reasons for my way of thinking.
To begin with, it is undeniable that those having been prison are the best humans to encourage youngsters not to commit the crime. Because former criminals have been in jail, they know how much they had to suffer in there and know that it is not worth to be criminal. As a result, they can easily share their bad experience with children and give them efficient advices not to become criminal. For instance,last year, I saw on TV a woman who had been sentenced, talk to some kids about her experience and her routine being in prison. After that, those teenagers understood how bad it is in jail and none wanted to finish there.
In the contrast, there are also some cases are able to be counterproductive. There are some vivid areas where this might be evident. It is clear that commiting the crime could be attributed to the disadvantaged family environment or some other pitiful reasons. As a result, when former criminals tell the children the reason why they had to commit the crime in the past, they could accidentally make them become sympathetic with criminals and have a thinking that commiting the crime is justifiable.
In conclusion, I believe that although using former criminals’ story is truly effective to prevent juvenile from commitng crime, this solution also bring some potential consequences.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"ara" -> "era"
Explanation: Replacing "ara" with "era" corrects the spelling error and ensures a more accurate representation of the intended word, contributing to the formality of the essay.
"friendly,kind" -> "upstanding, benevolent"
Explanation: Replacing "friendly, kind" with "upstanding, benevolent" introduces more sophisticated and formal language, aligning with academic style.
"commiting" -> "committing"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "commiting" to "committing" ensures adherence to proper grammar and formal language conventions.
"school of thought" -> "viewpoint"
Explanation: Substituting "school of thought" with "viewpoint" maintains formality and enhances precision in expressing the author’s perspective.
"crimial" -> "criminal"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling of "crimial" to "criminal" ensures accuracy and adheres to formal language standards.
"To my perspective" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: Replacing "To my perspective" with "From my perspective" is a more formal expression, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.
"become empathetic with them" -> "develop empathy towards them"
Explanation: Substituting "become empathetic with them" with "develop empathy towards them" offers a more precise and formal expression.
"led astray" -> "led in the wrong direction"
Explanation: Replacing "led astray" with "led in the wrong direction" maintains formality and provides a more explicit description of the potential negative influence.
"valid reasons for my way of thinking" -> "valid reasons for my perspective"
Explanation: Substituting "valid reasons for my way of thinking" with "valid reasons for my perspective" maintains clarity while using more formal language.
"having been prison" -> "having been in prison"
Explanation: Correcting the phrase "having been prison" to "having been in prison" ensures grammatical accuracy and formal language use.
"advices" -> "advice"
Explanation: Changing "advices" to "advice" corrects the plural form, aligning with proper grammar and formal language norms.
"finish there" -> "end up there"
Explanation: Replacing "finish there" with "end up there" offers a more natural and precise expression.
"some cases are able to be counterproductive" -> "some cases can be counterproductive"
Explanation: Simplifying "some cases are able to be counterproductive" to "some cases can be counterproductive" maintains formality while improving clarity.
"vivid areas" -> "instances"
Explanation: Substituting "vivid areas" with "instances" introduces a more formal and specific term, enhancing the precision of the statement.
"pitiful reasons" -> "unfortunate circumstances"
Explanation: Replacing "pitiful reasons" with "unfortunate circumstances" provides a more formal and less emotionally charged expression.
"commit the crime" -> "commit a crime"
Explanation: Changing "commit the crime" to "commit a crime" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains a formal tone.
"juvenile from commitng crime" -> "juveniles from committing crimes"
Explanation: Correcting "juvenile from commitng crime" to "juveniles from committing crimes" ensures proper grammar and formal language use.
"bring some potential consequences" -> "bring about potential consequences"
Explanation: Substituting "bring some potential consequences" with "bring about potential consequences" provides a more formal and precise expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt – the idea that some ex-convicts become good citizens and the argument that they are best suited to talk to teenagers about crime. However, the analysis could be more nuanced, and the essay could provide more evidence or examples to support the points made.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, provide more specific examples or statistics about ex-convicts who have successfully reintegrated into society. Consider elaborating on the potential benefits and drawbacks of having ex-convicts speak to teenagers.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that ex-convicts can be effective in discouraging crime, but it also acknowledges potential drawbacks. The position is generally clear, but some parts of the essay could be more explicit in expressing the stance.
- How to improve: Strengthen the thesis statement to clearly outline the essay’s perspective. Additionally, maintain consistency in expressing this viewpoint throughout the essay, ensuring that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, providing an example of a woman talking about her prison experience on TV. However, the development is somewhat basic and lacks depth. More elaboration on how ex-convicts can effectively communicate with teenagers and the potential impact on the younger generation would strengthen the essay.
- How to improve: Expand on the presented ideas by including more real-world examples, statistics, or expert opinions. This will provide a more comprehensive understanding of how ex-convicts can influence teenagers positively or negatively.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but briefly deviates by discussing the reasons for committing crimes, attributing them to disadvantaged family environments. While related, this could be more directly tied to the prompt.
- How to improve: Ensure that all points made are directly connected to the prompt. If discussing the reasons for committing crimes, explicitly connect it to the effectiveness of ex-convicts in deterring teenagers from crime.
In conclusion, while the essay adequately addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in providing more nuanced analysis, offering stronger support for ideas, maintaining a consistently clear position, and ensuring every point aligns directly with the topic. Expanding on examples and refining the overall structure will contribute to a more compelling and comprehensive essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction that presents the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs follow a logical sequence, with the first paragraph focusing on the positive aspects of using former criminals to talk to teenagers, and the second paragraph addressing potential drawbacks. The conclusion summarizes the writer’s perspective. However, there are instances where the connection between ideas could be clearer, and the transition between the two main points in the body could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that there is a seamless flow between ideas. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the essay. Additionally, make the connection between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion more explicit.
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be more developed, and the essay could benefit from a more sophisticated structure. For example, the introduction is concise but could provide more context, and the conclusion could offer a stronger summary.
- How to improve: Develop the paragraphs by providing more details and examples. Consider expanding the introduction to provide a clearer context for the argument. Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing the main points and reinforcing the writer’s stance.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices, such as transitional words and phrases, to some extent. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and effectiveness. Some transitions between sentences and ideas are abrupt, affecting the overall cohesion.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. Ensure that transitions between sentences and paragraphs are smooth and logical. Consider using a combination of conjunctions, pronouns, and transitional phrases to create a more cohesive and interconnected essay.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in terms of logical organization, paragraph development, and the effective use of cohesive devices. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more cohesive and well-structured essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes words like "prevalent," "perspective," "undeniable," "counterproductive," and "attributed," but there is room for improvement in using a more diverse and nuanced vocabulary. The vocabulary is generally appropriate, but some repetitive phrases, such as "commit the crime," could be replaced with alternative expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and exploring more nuanced expressions. Additionally, try to avoid repetition by varying the language used to convey similar ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly using "commit the crime," consider using alternatives like "engage in criminal activities" or "participate in unlawful behavior."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is adequate but could benefit from greater specificity. For instance, the essay uses the term "disadvantaged family environment," but it would be more effective to elaborate on what specifically constitutes a disadvantaged family environment. Providing concrete examples or details would enhance the precision and clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: Aim for more precise vocabulary by providing specific details and examples. Instead of using broad terms like "disadvantaged family environment," offer specific instances or factors that contribute to a challenging family background. This will not only improve the precision of your vocabulary but also provide a clearer picture for the reader.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with a few exceptions such as "commiting" (committing), "arbitrary" (attributed), and "juvenile" (juveniles). While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, they are noticeable.
- How to improve: Review and proofread your essay carefully to catch and correct spelling errors. Consider using spelling and grammar-checking tools to ensure greater accuracy. Additionally, pay attention to word forms and ensure consistent and correct usage throughout the essay. Regular practice and attention to detail will contribute to improved spelling accuracy.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a limited variety of sentence structures. The majority of sentences are simple, and there is a lack of complex or compound-complex structures. For instance, the essay often begins with straightforward statements without incorporating more intricate sentence forms.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, consider incorporating a mix of sentence structures, including compound and complex sentences. Varying the length and complexity of sentences can contribute to a more engaging and sophisticated writing style. For instance, instead of starting every sentence in a straightforward manner, experiment with combining ideas or using subordination.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates reasonable grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "in this contemporary ara" should be corrected to "in this contemporary era," and "being crimial" should be corrected to "being criminal." Additionally, there are instances where sentence structure could be improved for smoother readability.
- How to improve: Careful proofreading is essential to catch and correct such errors. Furthermore, consider paying attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. For example, in the sentence "To begin with, it is undeniable that those having been prison are the best humans," it would be clearer to say "those who have been in prison." Additionally, use punctuation marks appropriately to enhance overall clarity.
In summary, while the essay effectively communicates its ideas, there is room for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. Diversifying sentence structures and ensuring precise grammar and punctuation usage can elevate the essay to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In our present era, it is quite common to witness individuals who, despite having been incarcerated, transform into upstanding and benevolent members of society. Consequently, there is a prevailing belief that these reformed individuals are well-suited to enlighten teenagers about the perils of engaging in criminal activities. From my viewpoint, while I acknowledge that ex-convicts can share their firsthand experiences in prison to dissuade adolescents from criminal behavior, I also contend that their narratives might inadvertently foster empathy and potentially lead the younger generation astray. In this essay, I will elucidate some valid reasons supporting my perspective.
To commence, it is indisputable that those who have undergone the challenges of prison can effectively dissuade youngsters from criminal pursuits. Having experienced the hardships of incarceration, former criminals comprehend the gravity of their actions and can impart invaluable insights to deter impressionable minds. They can candidly share their adversities and offer pragmatic advice, illustrating that a life of crime is not worthwhile. For instance, just last year, I witnessed a television program featuring a woman who had previously been sentenced, recounting her experiences and daily routine behind bars. Subsequently, the teenagers in the audience gained a profound understanding of the harsh realities of prison life, dissuading them from pursuing a criminal path.
On the contrary, there are instances where this approach may prove counterproductive. Particularly, when former criminals delve into the reasons behind their past criminal acts, it may inadvertently elicit sympathy from the youth. Criminal behavior is often associated with unfortunate circumstances, such as a disadvantaged family environment or other pitiable factors. Consequently, by empathetically recounting their own struggles, ex-convicts may unintentionally convey a sense of justification for criminal actions to impressionable minds.
In conclusion, I am of the opinion that leveraging the narratives of reformed individuals can be genuinely effective in preventing juvenile delinquency. However, it is crucial to acknowledge that this approach may bring about potential consequences, as it has the potential to inadvertently romanticize criminal behavior in certain cases. Therefore, a balanced and nuanced approach is essential when employing the experiences of former criminals to dissuade the younger generation from criminal activities.