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Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later. Some say that these are the best people to talk to school students about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later. Some say that these are the best people to talk to school students about the dangers of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It is widely argued that former prisoners have gradually become productive members of society. Personally, I firmly agree that permitting such individuals to speak to adolescents about their experiences is the most effective strategy for educating students about the dangers of criminal activities.
First and foremost, ex-prisoners who have successfully reintegrated into society can serve as role models for educating school students about the dangers of committing crime. This is because with personal experiences, former offenders can provide vivid and authentic accounts of their serious mistakes as well as the way they successfully rebuild their lives and contribute positively to society. Take Michael Santos as a prime example, a former prisoner who was convicted of drug trafficking and served over 26 years in prison, he dedicated his life to helping at-risk youth avoid the pitfalls of crime after his release. By detailing his own efforts to turn his life around and become a productive member of society, Santos offers a hopeful perspective that motivates students to avoid criminal activities and pursue positive goals.
Additionally, engaging former prisoners in traditional education settings fosters empathy among students. Hearing about the complex factors that former immates faced to, such as social stigma, unemployment or mental health issues, can help pupils develop a deeper understanding of these circumstances. This awareness can reduce stigma and promote compassion, allowing students to see former former detainees not just as individuals who made wrong choices, but as human beings capable of change. Nevertheless, while ex-convicts can provide valuable insights, they may also require guidance in how to communicate their experiences effectively. Trained educators can help facilitate discussions, ensuring that the focus remains on the lessons learned and the importance of making positive life choices.
In conclusion, I fully support the view that individuals who have rehabilitated their lives after serving a prison sentence could help deter teenagers from committing crimes. By sharing their stories, these individuals provide relatable and powerful insights that can inspire change and foster empath


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "former prisoners" -> "ex-prisoners"
    Explanation: "Ex-prisoners" is a more commonly used and precise term in academic and formal contexts, enhancing the formality of the language.

  2. "Personally, I firmly agree" -> "I strongly concur"
    Explanation: "I strongly concur" is a more formal expression that avoids the personal pronoun "Personally," which can sound overly casual in academic writing.

  3. "permitting such individuals to speak" -> "allowing such individuals to speak"
    Explanation: "Allowing" is a more formal synonym for "permitting," aligning better with the academic style.

  4. "educating students about the dangers of criminal activities" -> "educating students about the risks associated with criminal behavior"
    Explanation: "Risks associated with criminal behavior" is a more precise and formal way to describe the dangers of criminal activities, enhancing the academic tone.

  5. "ex-prisoners who have successfully reintegrated" -> "ex-prisoners who have successfully reintegrated into society"
    Explanation: Adding "into society" clarifies the context and emphasizes the successful reintegration into the broader social fabric.

  6. "with personal experiences" -> "based on their personal experiences"
    Explanation: "Based on their personal experiences" specifies the source of the information, enhancing clarity and formality.

  7. "serious mistakes" -> "serious errors"
    Explanation: "Errors" is a more formal term than "mistakes," fitting better in an academic context.

  8. "successfully rebuild their lives" -> "successfully rebuild their lives and contribute positively"
    Explanation: Adding "and contribute positively" provides a clearer and more comprehensive description of the positive outcomes.

  9. "Take Michael Santos as a prime example" -> "Consider Michael Santos as a prime example"
    Explanation: "Consider" is more formal than "Take," which is colloquial and less appropriate for academic writing.

  10. "dedicated his life to helping at-risk youth" -> "devoted himself to assisting at-risk youth"
    Explanation: "Devoted himself" and "assisting" are more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone.

  11. "fosters empathy among students" -> "promotes empathy among students"
    Explanation: "Promotes" is a more formal synonym for "fosters," aligning better with academic language.

  12. "former immates faced to" -> "former inmates faced"
    Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error and removes the unnecessary "to," improving the sentence structure.

  13. "reduce stigma and promote compassion" -> "reduce stigma and enhance compassion"
    Explanation: "Enhance" is a more precise and formal term than "promote" in this context, suggesting a more significant and sustained impact.

  14. "ex-convicts can provide valuable insights" -> "ex-convicts can offer valuable insights"
    Explanation: "Offer" is a more formal verb than "provide" in this context, fitting the academic style better.

  15. "Trained educators can help facilitate discussions" -> "Trained educators can facilitate discussions"
    Explanation: Removing "help" simplifies the sentence and maintains the formal tone, as "facilitate" is sufficient to convey the intended meaning.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly agreeing with the notion that former prisoners can positively influence school students regarding the dangers of crime. It discusses the potential benefits of their personal experiences and insights, which directly relates to the question. The examples provided, particularly the case of Michael Santos, illustrate the argument well. However, the essay could have briefly acknowledged the opposing viewpoint—that not all former prisoners may be suitable speakers—before reinforcing the main argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider briefly addressing counterarguments. Acknowledging that some individuals may not be effective communicators or may still be struggling with their past can provide a more balanced view and demonstrate critical thinking.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, strongly supporting the idea that former prisoners can be effective educators for students. Phrases like "I firmly agree" and "I fully support the view" reinforce this stance. The argument is logically structured, with each paragraph building on the previous one to strengthen the overall position.
    • How to improve: While the position is clear, reinforcing it at the beginning of the conclusion could further solidify the argument. A brief restatement of the main points leading to the conclusion would enhance clarity.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents well-developed ideas, particularly in the first two body paragraphs. The use of a specific example (Michael Santos) effectively supports the argument. The discussion of empathy and understanding of former prisoners’ challenges adds depth to the argument. However, the conclusion feels slightly abrupt and could benefit from a more comprehensive summary of the key points made.
    • How to improve: To improve, ensure that each idea is not only presented but also extended with further examples or explanations. In the conclusion, summarize the main arguments succinctly to reinforce the overall message.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay stays focused on the topic, discussing the role of former prisoners in educating students about crime. Each paragraph relates back to the main argument, with no significant deviations. The discussion remains relevant and supports the thesis throughout.
    • How to improve: While the essay remains on topic, ensure that all examples and discussions are directly tied back to the prompt. Avoid introducing any tangential ideas that could distract from the main argument. For instance, when discussing the need for guidance in communication, ensure it directly relates to the effectiveness of former prisoners as educators.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and effectively communicates the argument. With minor adjustments to address counterarguments, enhance the conclusion, and ensure all points are tightly connected to the prompt, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical progression of ideas. The introduction effectively states the writer’s position, and each subsequent paragraph builds on this foundation. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses how former prisoners can serve as role models, while the second body paragraph shifts focus to the empathy that can be fostered through their stories. This logical arrangement helps the reader follow the argument easily.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly state the main idea. Additionally, ensure that each point is directly linked back to the thesis statement to reinforce the overall argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The separation between the role model aspect and the empathy aspect is clear, which aids in understanding. However, the conclusion could be more robust, as it feels somewhat abrupt and lacks a summary of the key points discussed.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by briefly summarizing the main arguments presented in the body paragraphs. This not only reinforces the essay’s main points but also provides a satisfying closure for the reader.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "additionally," and "nevertheless," which help to connect ideas smoothly. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the phrase "former prisoners" and "former detainees," which could be varied to enhance cohesion.
    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate synonyms or related phrases to avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeatedly using "former prisoners," consider using terms like "rehabilitated individuals" or "ex-offenders." Additionally, ensure that transitions between paragraphs are smooth by using linking phrases that refer back to the previous point or forward to the next.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, further enhancing its overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "reintegrated," "role models," "authentic accounts," and "empathy." These choices effectively convey the writer’s ideas and contribute to the overall clarity of the argument. However, there are instances where more varied synonyms could enhance the richness of the language. For example, the repeated use of "former prisoners" could be varied with alternatives such as "ex-offenders" or "rehabilitated individuals."
    • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider incorporating synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. This can be achieved by creating a list of synonyms for key terms before writing, ensuring that the language remains engaging and avoids repetition.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "the way they successfully rebuild their lives" could be more effectively expressed as "the strategies they employed to rebuild their lives," which adds clarity and specificity. Additionally, the phrase "the complex factors that former immates faced to" contains a grammatical error and could be better articulated as "the complex factors that former inmates faced."
    • How to improve: Focus on refining word choice to enhance precision. When drafting, take time to consider whether each word or phrase accurately conveys the intended meaning. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify areas where clarity may be lacking.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally high level of spelling accuracy; however, there are notable errors, such as "immates" instead of "inmates" and "former former detainees," which detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing. These mistakes indicate a need for careful proofreading.
    • How to improve: Implement a proofreading strategy that includes reading the essay multiple times, focusing specifically on spelling and grammatical errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and asking a peer to review the work can also help catch mistakes that may be overlooked during self-editing.

Overall, while the essay achieves a solid Band 7 for Lexical Resource, focusing on vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling accuracy will further enhance the quality of the writing and potentially lead to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "Hearing about the complex factors that former inmates faced to, such as social stigma, unemployment or mental health issues, can help pupils develop a deeper understanding of these circumstances." This showcases the ability to combine ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "This is because" or "By," which can detract from the overall variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more varied sentence openings and using different conjunctions or transition phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "This is because," you might start with "One reason for this is…" or "An important aspect to consider is…". Additionally, try to include more compound-complex sentences to further diversify the essay’s structure.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors. For instance, the phrase "faced to" is incorrect; it should be "faced," as "to" is unnecessary. Furthermore, the sentence "Take Michael Santos as a prime example, a former prisoner who was convicted of drug trafficking and served over 26 years in prison, he dedicated his life to helping at-risk youth avoid the pitfalls of crime after his release" is a run-on sentence that would benefit from a semicolon or a conjunction to separate the two independent clauses. Additionally, the word "immates" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "inmates."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully for typographical errors and run-on sentences. Practicing sentence combining exercises can also help in recognizing when to use punctuation correctly to separate ideas. Furthermore, reviewing the use of prepositions and common collocations can enhance overall grammatical precision. Consider using grammar-checking tools for an additional layer of review before finalizing your essays.

By addressing these areas, you can elevate your writing to achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely argued that ex-prisoners have gradually become productive members of society. Personally, I strongly concur that allowing such individuals to speak to adolescents about their experiences is the most effective strategy for educating students about the dangers of criminal activities.

First and foremost, ex-prisoners who have successfully reintegrated into society can serve as role models for educating school students about the dangers of committing crime. This is because, based on their personal experiences, former offenders can provide vivid and authentic accounts of their serious errors, as well as the ways they have successfully rebuilt their lives and contributed positively to society. Consider Michael Santos as a prime example; a former prisoner who was convicted of drug trafficking and served over 26 years in prison, he has devoted himself to assisting at-risk youth avoid the pitfalls of crime after his release. By detailing his own efforts to turn his life around and become a productive member of society, Santos offers a hopeful perspective that motivates students to avoid criminal activities and pursue positive goals.

Additionally, engaging former inmates in traditional education settings promotes empathy among students. Hearing about the complex factors that former inmates faced, such as social stigma, unemployment, or mental health issues, can help pupils develop a deeper understanding of these circumstances. This awareness can reduce stigma and enhance compassion, allowing students to see ex-convicts not just as individuals who made wrong choices, but as human beings capable of change. Nevertheless, while ex-prisoners can offer valuable insights, they may also require guidance in how to communicate their experiences effectively. Trained educators can facilitate discussions, ensuring that the focus remains on the lessons learned and the importance of making positive life choices.

In conclusion, I fully support the view that individuals who have rehabilitated their lives after serving a prison sentence could help deter teenagers from committing crimes. By sharing their stories, these individuals provide relatable and powerful insights that can inspire change and foster empathy among students.

Bài viết liên quan

Task 2: You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects equally, whereas other people think that they should concentrate on only those subjects that they find interesting and they are best at. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Task 2: You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects…

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