Some professionals, such as doctors and teachers make a greater contribution to society so they should be paid more than sports athletes and entertainment stars To what extent do you agree or disagree

Some professionals, such as doctors and teachers make a greater contribution to society so they should be paid more than sports athletes and entertainment stars

To what extent do you agree or disagree

Some individuals are of the opinion that some professionals who have a massive contribution to society such as teachers and doctors could be prioritized in paying over sportsmen or women, and celebrities. However, I believe that individuals should receive money based on their talent.

Firstly, it is evident that actors and singers have been trained to become ready for the work and show talent. Undeniably, they have to spend a lot of money and energy to be more skillful and provide an enjoyable time for the audience. Thus, most of them have paced lots of courses without being straightforward, leading to the fact that they work with challenges like professional workers. For instance, nurses have to study for around 4 years or more to receive a bachelor's degree and it also is the same as actors. Therefore, both individuals have difficulties studying along their curriculum and it seems reasonable that people should give the same amount on their income.

Second, because of the alternation of many facilities and the economy, people tend to spend their entire time at work to enhance living standards. Thus recreational personalities have a big contribution to dealing with mental aspects. Due to hectic lifestyles, people are faced with mental problems such as trauma and stress. Therefore, they are looking for free time to possess entertainment time. Some people like sportsmen and women work and even do it much better without stress on passing their time thanks to their talent innate. Moreover, sports or leisure programs play a crucial role in preventing siblings from breaking rules. For instance, by providing a nice time, they encourage students to watch movies and play sports which keeps them occupied and reduces the likelihood of committing of crime. Generally, if doctors help people to stay healthy, amusement people like actors and singers also do the same. Hence, both categories should have the same amount of income.

In conclusion, undeniable that doctors and teachers have a large contribution to society through healthcare and education which help the latter generation in well-rounded development. However, the participation of sports athletes and celebrities can not be disregarded, as they aid address the mental health problems of workers. Consequently, I disagree with the former perspective.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Some individuals are of the opinion that" -> "Some individuals believe that"
   Explanation: Simplifying "are of the opinion that" to "believe that" maintains the formal tone while enhancing readability and conciseness.

2. "massive contribution" -> "significant contribution"
   Explanation: "Massive" can imply an exaggerated or extreme degree, which may not be accurate in this context. "Significant" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.

3. "could be prioritized in paying over" -> "should be prioritized over"
   Explanation: "In paying over" is awkward and unclear. "Over" is sufficient to convey the comparison, making the sentence more direct and formal.

4. "individuals should receive money based on their talent" -> "individuals should be compensated based on their talent"
   Explanation: "Receive money" is informal and vague. "Be compensated" is more formal and specific, fitting the academic style better.

5. "actors and singers have been trained to become ready for the work and show talent" -> "actors and singers undergo rigorous training to prepare for their roles and showcase their talent"
   Explanation: "Become ready for the work and show talent" is vague and informal. The revised phrase clarifies the process and enhances the formality.

6. "paced lots of courses" -> "completed numerous courses"
   Explanation: "Paced lots of courses" is informal and unclear. "Completed numerous courses" is precise and formal.

7. "without being straightforward" -> "without being straightforward"
   Explanation: This phrase is redundant and unclear. Removing "being" corrects the redundancy and clarifies the meaning.

8. "it also is the same as actors" -> "it is comparable to that of actors"
   Explanation: "It also is the same as actors" is awkward and informal. "Comparable to that of actors" is more precise and formal.

9. "alternation of many facilities and the economy" -> "changes in various facilities and the economy"
   Explanation: "Alternation" is not commonly used in this context; "changes" is more appropriate and clear.

10. "people tend to spend their entire time at work to enhance living standards" -> "people often dedicate their entire time to work to improve their living standards"
    Explanation: "Tend to spend" is somewhat informal and vague. "Often dedicate" is more precise and formal.

11. "recreational personalities" -> "recreational personalities"
    Explanation: This term is unclear and potentially confusing. It might be better to specify "recreational personalities" as "entertainers" or "celebrities" to clarify the intended meaning.

12. "dealing with mental aspects" -> "addressing mental health issues"
    Explanation: "Dealing with mental aspects" is vague and informal. "Addressing mental health issues" is specific and appropriate for an academic context.

13. "possess entertainment time" -> "enjoy leisure time"
    Explanation: "Possess entertainment time" is awkward and unclear. "Enjoy leisure time" is more natural and precise.

14. "sports or leisure programs" -> "sports and leisure programs"
    Explanation: "Or" is incorrect in this context; "and" is the correct conjunction for listing multiple items.

15. "committing of crime" -> "committing crimes"
    Explanation: "Committing of crime" is grammatically incorrect. "Committing crimes" is grammatically correct and more formal.

16. "aid address" -> "help address"
    Explanation: "Aid address" is incorrect; "help address" is the correct phrase.

17. "undeniable that" -> "undeniably"
    Explanation: "Undeniable that" is grammatically incorrect. "Undeniably" is the correct adverb form needed here.

18. "the latter generation" -> "future generations"
    Explanation: "The latter generation" is unclear and informal. "Future generations" is more precise and formal.

These changes enhance the academic tone, clarify the meaning, and correct grammatical errors, making the essay more suitable for an academic audience.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the contributions of both professionals (doctors and teachers) and entertainers (sports athletes and celebrities). The writer acknowledges the importance of both groups, which aligns with the task of evaluating the extent of agreement or disagreement with the statement. However, the response could be clearer in explicitly stating the extent of agreement or disagreement, as it somewhat ambiguously states a belief in talent-based pay without fully addressing the comparative contributions of each group.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, they could provide a more balanced analysis of the contributions of both groups, perhaps by explicitly stating whether they agree or disagree with the notion that doctors and teachers should be paid more.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that values talent-based income distribution. However, the clarity of this position fluctuates throughout the essay. While the writer mentions that both groups contribute significantly to society, the argument could be more focused on whether one group should earn more than the other. The conclusion reiterates the importance of both, but the stance on payment is somewhat muddled.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently link their arguments back to the main question. Using phrases like "I strongly believe" or "I fully disagree" can help reinforce their stance. Additionally, summarizing their position in each paragraph can help maintain focus.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the contributions of entertainers and professionals. For example, it discusses the training required for actors and the mental health benefits provided by entertainers. However, some points lack depth and specific examples. The argument about the similarities in training between actors and nurses is not fully developed, and the connection between entertainment and crime prevention is somewhat vague.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide more concrete examples and statistics to support their claims. For instance, they could include specific studies or data on the impact of entertainment on mental health. Additionally, elaborating on how the contributions of each group directly benefit society would enhance the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the contributions of both groups. However, some sections drift slightly from the main argument, particularly when discussing the training of actors compared to nurses. The relevance of certain points, such as the impact of entertainment on crime prevention, could be more directly tied to the question of income disparity.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. They could use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clarify how each point supports their overall argument. Additionally, avoiding tangential discussions will help keep the essay concise and relevant.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the payment of professionals versus entertainers. Each paragraph addresses a specific point, with the first paragraph discussing the training and challenges faced by entertainers, while the second paragraph highlights the mental health benefits provided by sports and entertainment figures. However, the logical flow could be improved; for instance, the transition between discussing the training of entertainers to their societal contributions feels abrupt. The conclusion reiterates the main points but lacks a strong summarization of the arguments presented.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each point logically leads to the next. For example, after discussing the training of entertainers, a transitional sentence could link their skills to the societal benefits they provide, creating a smoother flow of ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph contains a distinct argument, which is a strength. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth. The first paragraph is longer and more detailed than the second, which may disrupt the overall balance of the essay.
  • How to improve: Aim for more uniformity in paragraph length and depth. Consider expanding the second paragraph with additional examples or explanations to match the depth of the first. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, helping the reader to follow the argument more easily.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "In conclusion," which help to structure the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, phrases like "Undeniably" and "Moreover" are used, but the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas more fluidly.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a mix of linking words and phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "On the other hand," and "Consequently." This will help to create a more nuanced and cohesive argument. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can enhance the flow and coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph balance, and the use of cohesive devices can elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "massive contribution," "celebrities," and "recreational personalities." However, there are instances of repetition, such as the frequent use of "individuals" and "professionals," which limits the lexical variety. Additionally, phrases like "amusement people" are awkward and detract from the overall quality.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "individuals," alternatives like "members of society," "workers," or "professionals" could be employed. Additionally, using more specific terms related to the fields discussed (e.g., "entertainers" instead of "amusement people") would improve clarity and variety.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that could confuse readers. For example, the phrase "the fact that they work with challenges like professional workers" is vague and could be articulated more clearly. Additionally, "amusement people" is not a standard term and may confuse readers.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For instance, instead of "work with challenges like professional workers," a more precise phrasing could be "face challenges similar to those encountered by other professionals." Clarifying terms and avoiding colloquialisms will enhance the precision of the essay.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with few errors. However, there are minor issues, such as "siblings" in the context of discussing crime prevention, which should be replaced with "youth" or "young people" for clarity. The phrase "committing of crime" is also awkward and should be corrected to "committing crimes."
  • How to improve: To improve spelling and overall clarity, the writer should proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases and potential spelling errors. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words and practicing them can further enhance spelling accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For example, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "Some individuals are of the opinion that some professionals who have a massive contribution to society such as teachers and doctors could be prioritized in paying over sportsmen or women, and celebrities." However, there is a tendency to rely on similar structures, which can make the writing feel repetitive. Additionally, some sentences are overly long and convoluted, which can hinder clarity.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more varied sentence types, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, breaking down long sentences into shorter ones can enhance clarity. Using introductory phrases or clauses can also add variety. For example, instead of "Undeniably, they have to spend a lot of money and energy to be more skillful and provide an enjoyable time for the audience," the writer could say, "They invest significant time and resources to hone their skills, ultimately providing enjoyable experiences for audiences."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, the phrase "the same amount on their income" should be "the same amount in their income." Additionally, there are instances of missing commas, such as before "and" in lists, which can lead to confusion. The use of "amusement people" is awkward and should be replaced with "entertainers" or "celebrities." Furthermore, the phrase "which keeps them occupied and reduces the likelihood of committing of crime" contains an unnecessary preposition, making it grammatically incorrect.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, particularly concerning prepositions and conjunctions. Practicing with grammar exercises focusing on common errors can also be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors, especially in complex sentences, can help improve clarity. Using tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can also aid in identifying and correcting mistakes.

By addressing these areas, the writer can improve their overall grammatical range and accuracy, potentially raising their band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals believe that professionals who make a significant contribution to society, such as teachers and doctors, should be prioritized in terms of pay over sports athletes and entertainment stars. However, I believe that individuals should be compensated based on their talent.

Firstly, it is evident that actors and singers undergo rigorous training to prepare for their roles and showcase their talent. Undeniably, they invest a considerable amount of money and energy to become more skillful and provide enjoyable experiences for their audience. Thus, many of them have completed numerous courses without being straightforward, leading to the fact that they face challenges similar to those of professional workers. For instance, nurses typically study for around four years or more to earn a bachelor’s degree, which is comparable to the training that actors undergo. Therefore, both groups encounter difficulties in their respective fields, and it seems reasonable that they should receive similar compensation for their efforts.

Secondly, due to changes in various facilities and the economy, people often dedicate their entire time to work to improve their living standards. Consequently, recreational personalities play a significant role in addressing mental health issues. With hectic lifestyles, individuals often face mental challenges such as trauma and stress. As a result, they seek leisure time to enjoy entertainment. Some people, like sports athletes, excel in their fields and manage to do so without the stress that often accompanies other professions, thanks to their innate talent. Moreover, sports and leisure programs are crucial in preventing individuals, especially youth, from breaking rules. For instance, by providing enjoyable activities, they encourage students to watch movies and engage in sports, which keeps them occupied and reduces the likelihood of committing crimes. Generally, while doctors help people maintain their health, recreational figures like actors and singers also contribute positively to society. Hence, both categories should receive comparable income.

In conclusion, it is undeniable that doctors and teachers make a significant contribution to society through healthcare and education, which benefits future generations. However, the participation of sports athletes and celebrities cannot be disregarded, as they help address the mental health issues faced by many workers. Consequently, I disagree with the notion that only traditional professionals should be prioritized in terms of pay.