Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree? You should write at least 250 words.

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
You should write at least 250 words.

In the contemporary era, it is as the ever-rising attention for healthcare that a person’s life expectancy naturally increases as well. This, consequently, raises the question whether the age at which workers retire should be delayed. In my view, this notion would bring several benefits and setbacks. I will further my idea in the essay below.
On the one hand, increasing the retirement age can have some advantages. Most prominently, it will lift parts of the burden shouldering heavily by the government regarding financial support for the retired. Together with the aging population, the government has to distribute a portion of its budget to take care of the elderly, who are mostly no longer able to support themselves. This, in turns, creates a dent in the national treasury, taking away other social development opportunities. Another reason is that, if the trend prevails, eventually, pension per person would be spreaded thin to the point where it couldn’t keep up with the increasing standard of living. Take Japan for instance, the proportion of the aging population there has reached such an unprecedented peak that one can see the elderly, evidently past retirement age, still working to make ends meet.
On the other hand, this policy could well receive opposition from the citizens. First of all, there are still health issues to consider with older work force. They are more susceptible to injuries during work and take much longer to recover, which can be a fatal flaw for the industry. Secondly, as a person retired, it leaves a vacancy for the employment of others. Therefore, if people work longer, society runs risk of up climbing unemployment rate for younger labour force.
All in all, while the pros for the delay of retirement age are presented, the government is required to consider this matter carefully and soon put forward other additional policies to ensure social well-fare.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "it is as the ever-rising attention for healthcare that a person’s life expectancy naturally increases as well" -> "the increasing attention to healthcare has led to a natural increase in life expectancy"
   Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the causal relationship between healthcare attention and life expectancy, making it more direct and academically appropriate.

2. "This, consequently, raises the question whether" -> "This, consequently, raises the question of whether"
   Explanation: Adding "of" after "raises the question" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence more formal and precise.

3. "I will further my idea in the essay below" -> "I will elaborate on my arguments in the following essay"
   Explanation: "Further my idea" is an awkward and uncommon expression. "Elaborate on my arguments" is more natural and appropriate for academic writing, enhancing clarity and formality.

4. "it will lift parts of the burden shouldering heavily by the government" -> "it will alleviate a significant burden on the government"
   Explanation: "Shouldering heavily" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing. "Alleviate a significant burden" is more precise and formal, improving the academic tone.

5. "This, in turns, creates a dent in the national treasury" -> "This, in turn, creates a dent in the national treasury"
   Explanation: "In turns" is a typographical error; "in turn" is the correct phrase, which is essential for maintaining grammatical accuracy.

6. "pension per person would be spreaded thin" -> "pensions would be spread too thin"
   Explanation: "Spreaded" is a misspelling; "spread too thin" is the correct idiom, which is also more appropriate for formal writing than the original phrase.

7. "Take Japan for instance" -> "For example, Japan"
   Explanation: "Take" is too informal and conversational for academic writing. "For example" is the standard formal transition used in academic texts.

8. "the proportion of the aging population there has reached such an unprecedented peak" -> "the proportion of the aging population has reached an unprecedented peak"
   Explanation: Removing "there" simplifies the sentence and maintains the formal tone, as "there" is not necessary in this context.

9. "they are more susceptible to injuries during work and take much longer to recover" -> "they are more susceptible to workplace injuries and require longer recovery periods"
   Explanation: "During work" is vague and informal; "workplace injuries" and "require longer recovery periods" are more specific and formal, enhancing the precision of the statement.

10. "which can be a fatal flaw for the industry" -> "which can be detrimental to the industry"
    Explanation: "Fatal flaw" is an idiom that may be seen as overly dramatic and informal for academic writing. "Detrimental" is a more precise and formal term.

11. "society runs risk of up climbing unemployment rate for younger labour force" -> "society risks an increase in the unemployment rate among the younger workforce"
    Explanation: "Runs risk of up climbing" is awkward and incorrect. "Risks an increase in the unemployment rate among the younger workforce" corrects these issues and improves the formality and clarity of the statement.

12. "the government is required to consider this matter carefully and soon put forward other additional policies to ensure social well-fare" -> "the government must carefully consider this matter and promptly implement additional policies to ensure social welfare"
    Explanation: "Required" and "soon put forward" are somewhat informal and vague. "Must" and "promptly implement" are more direct and formal, enhancing the authority and urgency of the recommendation. "Social well-fare" should be "social welfare" for grammatical correctness and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age. The introduction clearly states the topic and presents a balanced view, indicating that the author will explore both sides. However, the response could be more explicit in stating the extent of agreement or disagreement with the idea, as the prompt asks for a clear stance. The discussion of benefits, such as financial relief for the government, is well articulated, but the drawbacks could be more thoroughly explored to ensure all parts of the question are adequately addressed.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position on whether they agree or disagree with raising the retirement age in the introduction. Additionally, they should ensure that both sides are explored in equal depth, perhaps by providing more examples or evidence for the disadvantages mentioned.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position, indicating that there are benefits and drawbacks to raising the retirement age. However, the position lacks consistency, as it does not clearly favor one side over the other. Phrases like "this notion would bring several benefits and setbacks" suggest ambivalence rather than a definitive stance. The conclusion reiterates the need for careful consideration but does not clarify the author’s personal agreement or disagreement.
  • How to improve: The author should take a clearer stance in the introduction and maintain that position throughout the essay. They could use phrases like "I strongly agree" or "I disagree" to clarify their viewpoint. Additionally, reinforcing their position in the conclusion would provide a more cohesive argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the financial burden on the government and health issues faced by older workers. However, some points lack sufficient development. For instance, while the mention of Japan provides a relevant example, it could be expanded with more detail or statistics to strengthen the argument. The counterarguments regarding health issues and unemployment are introduced but not fully explored, which weakens the overall support for the ideas presented.
  • How to improve: To improve the development and support of ideas, the writer should provide more detailed examples and evidence for each point made. This could include statistics about the aging population, specific studies on health issues related to older workers, or more comprehensive examples of countries facing similar challenges. Additionally, elaborating on how these issues impact society would provide a stronger foundation for the arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of raising the retirement age. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For example, the mention of "social development opportunities" is vague and could be more directly tied to the retirement age discussion. The point about the risk of unemployment for younger workers is relevant but could be more explicitly linked to the main argument about retirement age.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of retirement age. Avoiding vague statements and instead providing clear, relevant examples would help keep the essay tightly aligned with the prompt. Additionally, using topic sentences that clearly relate to the main argument in each paragraph would enhance clarity and focus.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, there is room for improvement in clarity, depth, and focus to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas, presenting both sides of the argument regarding the retirement age. The introduction clearly states the topic and the writer’s stance, while the body paragraphs are structured to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of increasing the retirement age. For instance, the first body paragraph effectively outlines the benefits, such as reducing the financial burden on the government, followed by a relevant example from Japan. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from advantages to disadvantages feels somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of the second paragraph, such as "Conversely" or "On the contrary," to signal the shift in perspective. Additionally, ensure that each point is clearly linked back to the main argument to reinforce coherence throughout the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a clear paragraph structure, with distinct sections for the introduction, advantages, disadvantages, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which aids readability. However, the conclusion could be more developed, as it merely summarizes the points without providing a strong closing statement or a personal opinion on the matter.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by reiterating the main points and clearly stating your final stance on the issue. A more impactful conclusion could include a call to action or a suggestion for future policies, which would leave a lasting impression on the reader.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "Another reason is that," and "First of all," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "this policy could well receive opposition from the citizens" could benefit from a more explicit link to the previous paragraph discussing the advantages.
  • How to improve: To diversify and enhance the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In contrast," and "Consequently." This will help to create smoother transitions between ideas and reinforce the relationships between different points in the argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view. By focusing on improving transitions, enhancing the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can elevate the coherence and cohesion of their writing further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "life expectancy," "burden," "financial support," and "social development opportunities." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice, such as the repeated use of "aging population" and "retirement age." This indicates a reliance on familiar vocabulary rather than exploring synonyms or more sophisticated expressions.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeating "aging population," alternatives like "elderly demographic" or "senior citizens" could be used. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using more complex vocabulary could elevate the overall quality of the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "financial support" and "national treasury." However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "spreaded thin," which is grammatically incorrect (the correct form is "spread thin"). The phrase "up climbing unemployment rate" is also awkward and could be more clearly expressed as "rising unemployment rate."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using correct forms of words and phrases. For example, replacing "spreaded thin" with "spread too thin" or "stretched thin" would enhance clarity. Additionally, reviewing common collocations and idiomatic expressions could help in choosing more appropriate vocabulary.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a few spelling errors, such as "spreaded" instead of "spread" and "well fare" instead of "welfare." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or tools that provide feedback. Additionally, proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help catch and correct spelling mistakes. Reading widely can also improve spelling through exposure to correctly spelled words in context.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling. By incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, ensuring precise word usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence beginnings. For example, the use of phrases like "In the contemporary era" and "On the one hand" effectively introduces different sections of the argument. However, some sentences are overly complex or awkwardly constructed, such as "This, consequently, raises the question whether the age at which workers retire should be delayed," which could be simplified for clarity. Additionally, the essay relies on certain structures repeatedly, such as "This, in turns," which detracts from the overall variety.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more varied conjunctions and transitions to connect ideas. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Another reason is that," try varying the structure by using phrases like "Moreover," or "Additionally," to introduce new points. Incorporating more conditional sentences or participial phrases could also enhance the complexity and variety of the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that affect clarity and accuracy. For instance, the phrase "the proportion of the aging population there has reached such an unprecedented peak" is grammatically correct, but the use of "there" is somewhat vague and could be more specific. Additionally, the phrase "spreaded thin" is incorrect; the correct form is "spread thin." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could improve readability, such as before "who are mostly no longer able to support themselves."
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to review verb forms and ensure they are used correctly. Regular practice with verb conjugations and common irregular verbs can help. Additionally, focusing on sentence clarity and conciseness can improve overall coherence. For punctuation, consider revisiting rules regarding comma usage, especially in complex sentences, to ensure that clauses are properly separated and the meaning is clear.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, it is the ever-rising attention to healthcare that naturally increases a person’s life expectancy. This, consequently, raises the question of whether the age at which workers retire should be delayed. In my view, this notion would bring several benefits and setbacks. I will elaborate on my arguments in the following essay.

On the one hand, increasing the retirement age can have some advantages. Most prominently, it will alleviate a significant burden on the government regarding financial support for the retired. Together with the aging population, the government has to distribute a portion of its budget to take care of the elderly, who are mostly no longer able to support themselves. This, in turn, creates a dent in the national treasury, taking away other social development opportunities. Another reason is that, if the trend prevails, eventually, pensions would be spread too thin to the point where they couldn’t keep up with the increasing standard of living. For example, in Japan, the proportion of the aging population has reached an unprecedented peak, and one can see the elderly, evidently past retirement age, still working to make ends meet.

On the other hand, this policy could well receive opposition from the citizens. First of all, there are still health issues to consider with an older workforce. They are more susceptible to workplace injuries and require longer recovery periods, which can be detrimental to the industry. Secondly, when a person retires, it leaves a vacancy for the employment of others. Therefore, if people work longer, society risks an increase in the unemployment rate among the younger workforce.

All in all, while the pros for the delay of the retirement age are presented, the government must carefully consider this matter and promptly implement additional policies to ensure social welfare.