Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.

Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university.
Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.

In order to counter the challenges of financial problems in a technological society, some individuals claim that juveniles should spend a few years working prior to holding a place in higher education. In this essay, I will elucidate the negative problems that teenagers are facing today before mentioning the positive points.
On the one hand, there are some benefits that majority of adolescents have received when they go outside to work beforeentering university. One of the main reasons behind this phenomenon is that individuals can earn a little budget to support their family, which helps their parents reduce financial issues. Also, they can use these savings for their school fees as well as other essential items, which are very necessary for their life. Another benefit of this tendency is that, when doing outside jobs, social skills are one of the fundamental factors that they would acquire to make up their profile, which helps them to easily find jobs in their future.
On the other hand, the problem of taking a job before university has been haunting many countries around the globe, while there are still some drawbacks that have been presented. Firstly, if juveniles spend their valuable time taking jobs, this can cause distraction due to money issues, which leads to distraction in study and stress. Secondly, due to the lack of a gifted workforce, this can lead to economic recession, which is one of the tremendously serious issues in this day and age. Thus, if adolescents pay full attention to their academic process, this would lift these negative problems out of concern.
In conclusion, although there are several shortcomings relating to academic performance and economic deterioration, there are some merits that would not be ignored when it comes to enhancing social abilities and self-earning.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"juveniles" -> "adolescents"
Explanation: "Juveniles" is not the most appropriate term for teenagers in this context. "Adolescents" is a more formal and precise term.
"elucidate" -> "discuss"
Explanation: "Elucidate" is a bit formal and old-fashioned. "Discuss" is a more straightforward and commonly used term in academic writing.
"negative problems" -> "challenges"
Explanation: "Negative problems" is redundant. "Challenges" is a more precise and concise term.
"majority of adolescents have received when they go outside to work" -> "adolescents gain when they work outside their homes"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested alternative is more direct and clear.
"phenomenon" -> "practice"
Explanation: "Phenomenon" is too strong and does not fit well here. "Practice" is more suitable in this context.
"budget" -> "income"
Explanation: "Budget" refers to a plan for spending money, while "income" refers to the money received, which is more appropriate in this context.
"which helps their parents reduce financial issues" -> "thereby helping their parents alleviate financial pressures"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward. The suggested alternative is clearer and more formal.
"Another benefit of this tendency is that, when doing outside jobs, social skills are one of the fundamental factors that they would acquire to make up their profile, which helps them to easily find jobs in their future."
-> "Another benefit of this practice is that by working outside, they acquire essential social skills, enhancing their employability in the future."
Explanation: The original sentence is overly complex and unclear. The suggested alternative is more concise and clear.
"the problem of taking a job before university has been haunting many countries around the globe, while there are still some drawbacks that have been presented."
-> "the issue of adolescents working before university has affected many countries globally, while there are still some drawbacks to consider."
Explanation: The original sentence is awkwardly phrased. The suggested alternative is more straightforward and clear.
"Firstly, if juveniles spend their valuable time taking jobs, this can cause distraction due to money issues, which leads to distraction in study and stress."
-> "Firstly, if adolescents spend their time working, it can lead to distractions due to financial concerns, which affects their studies and increases stress."
Explanation: The original sentence is repetitive and unclear. The suggested alternative is clearer and more concise.
"Secondly, due to the lack of a gifted workforce, this can lead to economic recession, which is one of the tremendously serious issues in this day and age."
-> "Secondly, the lack of a skilled workforce can lead to economic recession, a significant issue in the present era."
Explanation: The original sentence is overly complex and vague. The suggested alternative is clearer and more concise.
"if adolescents pay full attention to their academic process, this would lift these negative problems out of concern."
-> "if adolescents focus fully on their academic pursuits, these issues would cease to be a concern."
Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and awkward. The suggested alternative is more concise and clear.
"there are several shortcomings relating to academic performance and economic deterioration"
-> "there are several drawbacks related to academic performance and economic decline"
Explanation: "Shortcomings" is not the most appropriate term here. "Drawbacks" is clearer and more suitable.
"there are some merits that would not be ignored when it comes to enhancing social abilities and self-earning."
-> "there are merits that should not be overlooked in terms of enhancing social skills and self-earning."
Explanation: "Would not be ignored" is awkward and informal. "Should not be overlooked" is more appropriate and formal.

These improvements enhance the clarity, formality, and precision of the essay, making it more suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of young people taking a job for a few years between school and university. It discusses the financial benefits for families, the acquisition of social skills, as well as the potential distractions and economic repercussions.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that each point is developed with more depth and clarity. Provide specific examples or scenarios to illustrate the effects of taking a job before university more vividly. Additionally, consider discussing the long-term implications of this practice on individuals and society.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that acknowledges both the advantages and disadvantages of young people working before university. However, the position could be more assertively presented by explicitly stating the writer’s opinion on whether this practice is ultimately beneficial or detrimental.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, explicitly state whether the writer believes that young people should or should not take a job before university. Then, throughout the essay, consistently support this position with well-developed arguments and evidence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both sides of the argument and attempts to support them with reasoning. However, the development of ideas is somewhat superficial, lacking in depth and specificity. For instance, while the essay mentions the acquisition of social skills, it could elaborate on how these skills are beneficial in both personal and professional contexts.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, delve deeper into each point, providing more detailed explanations, examples, and evidence. Consider how each advantage or disadvantage affects individuals, families, and society as a whole, and articulate these connections more explicitly.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the advantages and disadvantages of young people taking a job before university. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more focused, such as when elaborating on the potential economic repercussions.
- How to improve: To ensure greater coherence and relevance, maintain a clear focus on the prompt throughout the essay. Avoid tangential discussions or vague statements that do not directly relate to the topic at hand. Instead, prioritize addressing each aspect of the prompt in a structured and logical manner.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow within paragraphs. For instance, the essay introduces advantages and disadvantages separately but could enhance coherence by integrating them more seamlessly.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider integrating the advantages and disadvantages within each paragraph to create a smoother transition between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main point to avoid confusion and maintain clarity.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different aspects of the argument, which aids readability. However, paragraph structure could be improved for better coherence and cohesion. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear transitions between them, affecting the overall flow.
- How to improve: Focus on developing a clear topic sentence for each paragraph that introduces the main idea. Ensure that supporting sentences within paragraphs directly relate to the topic sentence and each other, providing a cohesive argument. Consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader between ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices such as pronouns ("this," "these"), conjunctions ("although," "while"), and cohesive phrases ("on the one hand," "on the other hand"). However, there is a need for greater diversity and more strategic placement of these devices to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used to include synonyms, parallel structures, and transitional adverbs. Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to connect ideas and create a cohesive argument. Additionally, pay attention to the placement of cohesive devices to ensure they strengthen the logical flow of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates effective organization and paragraphing, there are opportunities for improvement in enhancing logical coherence and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, leading to a more compelling and structured argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied lexical choices throughout the text. For instance, phrases like "counter the challenges," "juveniles," "haunting," and "tremendously serious issues" contribute to lexical diversity. Additionally, terms such as "phenomenon," "distraction," and "recession" exhibit a breadth of vocabulary usage.
- How to improve: While the essay showcases a strong vocabulary range, there is room for enhancement by incorporating more nuanced and contextually appropriate vocabulary. Consider replacing common phrases with more sophisticated alternatives to further elevate the lexical richness of the essay. For instance, instead of using "negative problems," opt for alternatives like "adverse consequences" or "detrimental outcomes" to add depth to the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, although there are instances where more precise terminology could be utilized. For example, the phrase "support their family" could be refined to "provide financial assistance to their family," enhancing clarity and specificity. Similarly, terms like "social skills" and "economic recession" are used appropriately to convey specific concepts.
- How to improve: To further enhance precision, focus on selecting vocabulary that precisely encapsulates the intended meaning. Be attentive to context and choose words that accurately convey the intended message. Consider utilizing synonyms or more specific terms where appropriate to refine the expression. For instance, instead of using the generic term "problems," opt for more specific descriptors such as "challenges," "obstacles," or "dilemmas" to add clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout the text, with only minor errors observed. Examples include "juveniles" and "phenomenon," which are spelled correctly. However, there are a few instances of misspellings, such as "beforeentering" (should be "before entering") and "self-earning" (should be "self-employment" or "self-sufficiency").
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider employing proofreading techniques such as spell-checking software and thorough manual review. Pay close attention to common misspellings and frequently confused words during the editing process. Additionally, practice active engagement with written material to reinforce spelling skills and familiarity with correct word forms. Finally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing online resources to identify and address spelling errors effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of sentence structures, including compound and complex sentences, although some could be further diversified for enhanced clarity and coherence. For instance, there’s a mix of simple and compound sentences, but more complex structures like relative clauses or conditional sentences could enrich the text.
- How to improve: To enhance variety, integrate more complex sentence structures such as relative clauses ("which are very necessary for their life"), conditional sentences ("if adolescents pay full attention to their academic process"), or participial phrases ("when doing outside jobs"). This will not only showcase a broader grammatical range but also add depth to the argumentation.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates proficiency in grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of minor errors and awkward phrasing that slightly detract from the clarity of the essay. For example, "when they go outside to work beforeentering university" lacks a space between "before" and "entering," and "juvenile" should be used in its plural form "juveniles" for concordance. Additionally, "this can cause distraction due to money issues, which leads to distraction in study and stress" could be revised for better clarity.
- How to improve: Pay closer attention to grammatical accuracy, particularly regarding subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. Proofreading for typos and ensuring coherence in sentence construction can significantly enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of the essay. For instance, revising the sentence mentioned above to something like "this can cause distraction due to financial concerns, leading to difficulties in focusing on studies and increased stress levels" would improve clarity and conciseness.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, there’s room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures for greater sophistication and refining grammatical accuracy to enhance clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

In response to the suggestion that young individuals should engage in employment for a few years between completing school and entering university, it’s important to consider both the advantages and disadvantages of this approach.

On one hand, there are notable benefits that adolescents gain when they work outside their homes before pursuing higher education. Primarily, it provides them with an opportunity to contribute to their family’s finances, thereby helping their parents alleviate financial pressures. Additionally, the income they generate can be utilized for their educational expenses and other necessities, crucial for their livelihood. Another benefit of this practice is that by working outside, they acquire essential social skills, enhancing their employability in the future.

However, the issue of adolescents working before university has affected many countries globally, and there are still some drawbacks to consider. Firstly, if adolescents spend their time working, it can lead to distractions due to financial concerns, which affects their studies and increases stress. Secondly, the lack of a skilled workforce can lead to economic recession, a significant issue in the present era. Nevertheless, if adolescents focus fully on their academic pursuits, these issues would cease to be a concern.

In conclusion, while there are several drawbacks related to academic performance and economic decline associated with adolescents working before university, there are merits that should not be overlooked in terms of enhancing social skills and self-earning.