Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification Discuss both views and give your opinion

Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification
Discuss both views and give your opinion

Opinions are polarised based on whether students should learn multiple subjects along with their main subject or they should focus solely on studying for a degree in tertiary education. I support the former view, and this essay will argue that while putting radical emphasis on one subject comes with great value, developing skills and knowledge on a range of expertise is more pragmatic.
On the one hand, studying to be qualified in one field of expertise cultivates students into professionals that are in-demand. As one devote most of their time in the university for a single course, they gain hard-earned skills and areas of knowledge that are crucial for firms or businesses, making the process of occupation seeking more effortless, generating a stable income for them. Nonetheless, I argue that the trend for job demand changes drastically after a short period, and specialising in only one field can be rendered obsoleted overtime. For instance, accountants used to be the most demanded job in Vietnam back in 2000, and many qualified for it, only to realise that a few years later it turned into a saturated occupation, and numerous workers were cut off because of redundancy.
Therefore, I perceive that engaging in a myriad of expertise can be future proof for students. One might not achieve proficient mastery in a particular subject, instead, they possess multiple skillsets, as a result, when the demand for job shifts, they can still be a contributing factor in the workforce, and generating income for themselves. In addition, learners of multiple syllabus can be more productive and creative, provided that they can interchange skills and knowledge from different expertise and apply it to one another. To demonstrate, a statistic by the education department of Vietnam in 2011 showed that It students who enrolled in additional subjects has a more effective and creative approach to the same problem compared to regular It students. And the former also found different jobs when It was not demanded, whilst the latter struggled to find a stable job.
In conclusion, while dedicating time and effort to qualify in a certain expertise is great, this essay believe this is not viable in the long run. Students should take numerous classes in order to safeguard their future from the ever-changing demand of jobs.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Opinions are polarised" -> "Opinions are divided"
   Explanation: "Polarised" can be seen as slightly informal and less precise in this context. "Divided" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe differing viewpoints, enhancing the formality and clarity of the statement.

2. "putting radical emphasis" -> "placing significant emphasis"
   Explanation: "Radical" can imply extreme or extreme change, which may not be the intended meaning here. "Significant" is more neutral and appropriate for academic contexts, indicating substantial importance without the connotation of extremism.

3. "comes with great value" -> "offers significant benefits"
   Explanation: "Comes with great value" is somewhat vague and informal. "Offers significant benefits" is more precise and formal, clearly conveying the advantages of the approach.

4. "devote most of their time" -> "devote a significant amount of their time"
   Explanation: "Most of their time" is somewhat informal and imprecise. "A significant amount of their time" provides a clearer and more formal quantification.

5. "making the process of occupation seeking more effortless" -> "facilitating the job-seeking process"
   Explanation: "Occupation seeking" is an awkward and less common term. "Job-seeking" is the standard term, and "facilitating" is more formal and precise than "making more effortless."

6. "rendered obsoleted" -> "rendered obsolete"
   Explanation: "Rendered obsoleted" is not a standard term. "Rendered obsolete" is the correct form, which is widely recognized and used in academic writing.

7. "a myriad of expertise" -> "a range of disciplines"
   Explanation: "A myriad of expertise" is an unusual and less precise phrase. "A range of disciplines" is more commonly used and clearly communicates the variety of fields studied.

8. "future proof" -> "future-proof"
   Explanation: "Future proof" is a common idiom, but "future-proof" is the correct compound form, which is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

9. "One might not achieve proficient mastery" -> "One may not attain proficient mastery"
   Explanation: "Achieve" is correct but "attain" is more formal and academically appropriate, enhancing the tone of the sentence.

10. "interchange skills and knowledge" -> "exchange skills and knowledge"
    Explanation: "Interchange" is less commonly used in this context; "exchange" is the standard term for sharing or transferring skills and knowledge.

11. "It students" -> "IT students"
    Explanation: "It" is a typographical error; "IT" is the correct term for students studying Information Technology.

12. "has a more effective and creative approach" -> "demonstrate a more effective and creative approach"
    Explanation: "Has" is too informal and vague; "demonstrate" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.

13. "this essay believe" -> "this essay believes"
    Explanation: "Believe" should be in the singular form "believes" to match the subject-verb agreement with "this essay."

14. "take numerous classes" -> "enroll in multiple courses"
    Explanation: "Take numerous classes" is informal and less precise. "Enroll in multiple courses" is more formal and specific, suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views presented in the prompt. The first part discusses the merits of focusing solely on one subject, highlighting the benefits of specialization and job readiness. The second part presents the opposing view, arguing for the advantages of a broader educational approach. The essay provides a balanced discussion, which is essential for achieving a high band score in this criterion.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response further, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint in the conclusion. A brief summary of the strengths of specialization before reiterating the preference for a broader approach would provide a more rounded conclusion.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer clearly states their position in favor of studying multiple subjects early in the essay and maintains this stance throughout. Phrases such as "I support the former view" and "I argue that" signal a consistent viewpoint. However, there are moments where the language could be more assertive, particularly in the conclusion, where the position could be reiterated more forcefully.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should ensure that the conclusion explicitly reaffirms their stance. Using phrases like "In my opinion" or "I firmly believe" can reinforce the writer’s viewpoint and make it more memorable for the reader.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, such as the changing job market and the benefits of a diverse skill set. The use of examples, such as the situation of accountants in Vietnam, effectively supports the argument. However, some points could be elaborated further, particularly the statistical evidence regarding IT students, which is mentioned but not fully integrated into the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer should provide more context for the statistics mentioned. For example, explaining how the study was conducted or what specific skills contributed to the IT students’ success would add depth to the argument. Additionally, ensuring that each point is fully developed with examples and explanations will enhance the overall persuasiveness of the essay.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the merits of both specialization and a broader educational approach. There are no significant deviations from the topic, and the arguments presented are relevant to the prompt. However, some sentences could be more concise to maintain clarity and focus.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should aim for conciseness in their arguments. Avoiding overly complex sentences and ensuring that each point directly relates to the main argument will help keep the essay on topic. For instance, simplifying phrases like "the trend for job demand changes drastically after a short period" could enhance clarity and readability.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task requirements and effectively addresses the prompt, earning a solid Band 8 score for Task Response. With minor adjustments in the areas of conclusion reinforcement, idea elaboration, and conciseness, the essay could potentially reach an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and states the writer’s opinion. Each body paragraph addresses a specific viewpoint, with the first paragraph focusing on the benefits of specializing in one field and the second paragraph advocating for a broader educational approach. However, the connection between ideas could be strengthened. For example, the transition from discussing specialization to the benefits of a diverse skill set could be smoother to enhance the overall flow of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer transition phrases between paragraphs and within paragraphs to guide the reader through the argument. For instance, phrases like "In contrast," or "On the other hand," can help delineate opposing views more effectively. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea will aid in maintaining focus.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the advantages of specializing, while the second addresses the merits of a broader educational approach. However, the conclusion could be more distinct and reflective of the arguments presented, as it somewhat blends into the final thoughts without a strong summarization of the key points.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion clearly summarizes the main arguments made in the body paragraphs and reiterates the writer’s opinion succinctly. Additionally, consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, which will enhance readability and clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "Nonetheless," and "In addition," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "As one devote most of their time" could be better linked to the subsequent sentence to clarify the relationship between the ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "Consequently," and "For example." This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of linguistic proficiency. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain clarity and coherence in the argument.

Overall, while the essay achieves a solid level of coherence and cohesion, focusing on enhancing transitions, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "polarised," "cultivates," "hard-earned skills," and "myriad of expertise." However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, the phrase "great value" is somewhat generic and could be replaced with more specific terms like "significant advantages" or "substantial benefits."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more advanced vocabulary. For instance, instead of repeating "students" multiple times, consider using alternatives like "learners," "pupils," or "scholars." Additionally, exploring academic or subject-specific terminology related to education and job markets could enrich the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "putting radical emphasis" might be better expressed as "placing significant emphasis" or "focusing intensely." The term "obsoleted" is also awkward; "become obsolete" would be more appropriate. Furthermore, "numerous workers were cut off because of redundancy" could be clearer as "numerous workers faced redundancy."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should review their word choices for clarity and appropriateness. Using a thesaurus can help find more suitable words, but it’s essential to ensure that the chosen words fit the context accurately. Practicing paraphrasing sentences can also aid in developing a more precise vocabulary.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, "It" should be "IT" when referring to Information Technology, and "syllabus" should be "syllabi" when referring to multiple curricula. Additionally, "this essay believe" should be corrected to "this essay believes."
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, ideally reading it aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Regular practice in writing and reviewing vocabulary can help solidify correct spelling in the writer’s mind.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For example, phrases like "studying to be qualified in one field of expertise cultivates students into professionals that are in-demand" and "when the demand for job shifts, they can still be a contributing factor in the workforce" showcase a good grasp of complex sentence formation. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as inversion or varied clause placements, which could enhance the overall fluency and engagement of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and use different grammatical forms. For instance, instead of starting several sentences with "students" or "they," the writer could use introductory phrases or clauses, such as "While some students prefer to specialize, others find value in a broader educational experience." Additionally, experimenting with passive voice or participial phrases can add complexity and variety to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good command of grammar, with most sentences being clear and coherent. However, there are notable errors that detract from the overall accuracy. For instance, the phrase "As one devote most of their time" should be "As one devotes most of their time," indicating a subject-verb agreement issue. Additionally, punctuation errors such as the missing comma after "for instance" and the incorrect capitalization of "It" in "It students" disrupt the flow and clarity of the writing. The phrase "this essay believe" should be corrected to "this essay believes" to maintain subject-verb agreement.
  • How to improve: To enhancegrammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work, paying particular attention to subject-verb agreement and punctuation. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct errors. Moreover, practicing writing complex sentences with correct punctuation will aid in developing a more polished writing style. Focusing on common grammatical pitfalls, such as verb forms and agreement, will also contribute to a higher level of accuracy in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

Opinions are divided on whether students should learn multiple subjects alongside their main field of study or focus solely on obtaining a degree in tertiary education. I support the former view, and this essay will argue that while placing significant emphasis on one subject has its merits, developing skills and knowledge across a range of disciplines is more pragmatic.

On the one hand, studying to become qualified in a specific area of expertise cultivates students into professionals who are in high demand. As one devotes a significant amount of their time at university to a single course, they acquire valuable skills and knowledge that are crucial for firms or businesses, thereby facilitating the job-seeking process and generating a stable income. Nonetheless, I argue that trends in job demand can change drastically over a short period, and specializing in only one field can become obsolete over time. For instance, accountants were once the most sought-after professionals in Vietnam in 2000, with many qualifying for the role, only to realize that a few years later, the market became saturated, leading to numerous redundancies.

Therefore, I believe that engaging in a variety of disciplines can future-proof students. One may not attain proficient mastery in a particular subject, but by possessing multiple skill sets, they can remain valuable contributors to the workforce, even as job demands shift. Additionally, learners who study multiple subjects can be more productive and creative, as they can exchange skills and knowledge from different areas and apply them in innovative ways. To illustrate, a statistic from the education department of Vietnam in 2011 showed that IT students who enrolled in additional subjects demonstrated a more effective and creative approach to problem-solving compared to their peers who focused solely on IT. The former group also found alternative job opportunities when demand for IT professionals decreased, while the latter struggled to secure stable employment.

In conclusion, while dedicating time and effort to qualify in a specific area of expertise is valuable, this essay believes that it is not a viable long-term strategy. Students should enroll in multiple courses to safeguard their futures against the ever-changing demands of the job market.