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Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people argue that higher education students should be given the opportunity to pursue a wide range of disciplines in their program, while others believe that it is more appropriate for those to dedicate their time and efforts to specializing in their major area. In this essay, justifications for both schools of thought will be discussed, and I personally believe that the choice of educational approach should be influenced by students' career aspirations after graduation.
Advocates for multidisciplinary study argue that exposure to various subjects enhances undergraduates' understanding of different aspects of life. For instance, a business student delving into psychology might develop a deeper understanding of consumer behavior, fostering a more comprehensive approach to marketing strategies. Another point to discuss is that when university students could learn about diverse subjects, this could help facilitate their future career preparation. This is due to the fact that recruiters nowadays usually favor job applicants whose knowledge can cover a wide range of areas over those who have focused solely on a field.
On the other hand, it appears to be more appropriate and practical for several professions to pursuing a specialization rather than other subjects. The reason behind this could be that educating a lawyer or a medical practitioner may take up a considerable amount of time and money, thus, necessitating the allocation all of their resources to acquire in-depth knowledge of their expertise. For instance, a prospective surgeon must dedicate extensive time to master surgical techniques, leaving little room for unrelated subjects. I personally know a medical student who, by specializing early and immersing themselves in clinical rotations, gained a profound understanding of their chosen field, ultimately excelling in their medical career.
In conclusion, while the question of whether tertiary education should provide a variety of subjects is controversial, I believe that students should consider their future career path before choosing a suitable university program. This ensures that they make informed decisions aligned with their career goals and the demands of their chosen professions.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "some people argue" -> "Some proponents contend"
    Explanation: Replacing "some people argue" with "Some proponents contend" elevates the language by using a more formal and precise term, aligning with academic style.

  2. "wide range of disciplines" -> "a diverse array of academic fields"
    Explanation: Replacing "wide range of disciplines" with "a diverse array of academic fields" adds specificity and formality, enhancing the precision of the expression.

  3. "dedicate their time and efforts" -> "devote their time and efforts"
    Explanation: Substituting "dedicate" with "devote" maintains formality and introduces a more sophisticated term, contributing to a more academic tone.

  4. "justifications for both schools of thought" -> "arguments supporting each perspective"
    Explanation: Replacing "justifications for both schools of thought" with "arguments supporting each perspective" offers a more formal and precise phrase, enhancing the overall academic tone.

  5. "I personally believe" -> "I contend"
    Explanation: Replacing "I personally believe" with "I contend" provides a more formal and assertive expression, aligning with academic writing conventions.

  6. "Advocates for multidisciplinary study" -> "Proponents of interdisciplinary education"
    Explanation: Substituting "Advocates for multidisciplinary study" with "Proponents of interdisciplinary education" introduces a more formal and specific term, improving the overall academic style.

  7. "For instance" -> "For example"
    Explanation: Replacing "For instance" with "For example" maintains formality and is a more widely accepted term in academic writing.

  8. "delving into psychology" -> "exploring psychology"
    Explanation: Replacing "delving into psychology" with "exploring psychology" maintains clarity while offering a more refined and formal expression.

  9. "this could help facilitate" -> "this could facilitate"
    Explanation: Removing "help" and simplifying to "this could facilitate" maintains the meaning while eliminating unnecessary words, contributing to a more concise and formal expression.

  10. "job applicants whose knowledge can cover a wide range of areas" -> "job applicants with a breadth of knowledge"
    Explanation: Simplifying "job applicants whose knowledge can cover a wide range of areas" to "job applicants with a breadth of knowledge" maintains clarity and formality.

  11. "it appears to be more appropriate and practical for several professions to pursuing a specialization" -> "it seems more appropriate and practical for certain professions to pursue specialization"
    Explanation: Restructuring "it appears to be more appropriate and practical for several professions to pursuing a specialization" to "it seems more appropriate and practical for certain professions to pursue specialization" improves clarity and formal expression.

  12. "The reason behind this could be that educating a lawyer or a medical practitioner may take up a considerable amount of time and money, thus, necessitating the allocation all of their resources" -> "This is because educating a lawyer or a medical practitioner may require a significant investment of time and money, necessitating the allocation of all their resources"
    Explanation: The suggested improvement streamlines the expression, making it more concise and formal.

  13. "a considerable amount of time" -> "a significant amount of time"
    Explanation: Replacing "a considerable amount of time" with "a significant amount of time" maintains formality while offering a more precise term.

  14. "Prospective surgeon" -> "Aspiring surgeon"
    Explanation: Substituting "Prospective surgeon" with "Aspiring surgeon" is a more common and precise term in formal writing.

  15. "I personally know a medical student who" -> "I am acquainted with a medical student who"
    Explanation: Replacing "I personally know a medical student who" with "I am acquainted with a medical student who" maintains formality and adds a more formal tone to the sentence.

  16. "gained a profound understanding" -> "acquired an in-depth understanding"
    Explanation: Replacing "gained a profound understanding" with "acquired an in-depth understanding" introduces a more sophisticated and precise term, aligning with academic language.

  17. "while the question of whether tertiary education should provide a variety of subjects is controversial" -> "while the debate over whether tertiary education should offer a variety of subjects remains contentious"
    Explanation: Substituting "while the question of whether tertiary education should provide a variety of subjects is controversial" with "while the debate over whether tertiary education should offer a variety of subjects remains contentious" enhances formality and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument by discussing the advantages of multidisciplinary study and presenting a counterargument in favor of specialization. Relevant sections include the introduction, body paragraphs, and the conclusion, where the writer explicitly mentions the controversy and presents a personal opinion.
    • How to improve: While the essay effectively presents both viewpoints, a more balanced distribution of arguments could be achieved. The first body paragraph predominantly supports multidisciplinary study, and the second primarily supports specialization. A more even representation of each perspective within both body paragraphs would enhance the overall balance.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout. The writer expresses a personal opinion in the introduction ("I personally believe") and consistently advocates for considering future career paths before choosing a university program.
    • How to improve: No improvement needed in this aspect. The essay successfully maintains a clear and consistent position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, with examples to support each argument. For instance, it provides a concrete example of a business student studying psychology to enhance their marketing strategies and a personal anecdote about a medical student specializing early and excelling in their career.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the depth of ideas, the essay could include additional examples or evidence to support the claims. This would provide a more robust foundation for the arguments presented.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the benefits of both multidisciplinary study and specialization in the context of higher education. However, there is a slight deviation in the introduction where the essay briefly discusses the controversy before stating a personal opinion.
    • How to improve: To stay more closely on topic, the introduction could be revised to directly introduce the two perspectives without initially mentioning the controversy. This would create a more focused introduction aligned with the essay’s subsequent structure.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively presenting and supporting arguments. To enhance the response, the writer should focus on achieving a more balanced distribution of arguments, providing additional evidence, and refining the introduction for greater clarity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction presents the two opposing views and the writer’s opinion clearly. Each paragraph explores a specific aspect of the argument, providing examples and reasoning. However, there are instances where the logical flow could be improved, such as the transition between paragraphs. For example, the shift from discussing multidisciplinary study to specialization could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, work on improving transitional sentences between paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph smoothly connects to the next, creating a cohesive progression of ideas. Additionally, consider the overall structure of the essay, making sure the order of arguments enhances the overall flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point. However, there are areas where paragraph structure could be refined for better clarity and coherence. The paragraph discussing advocates for multidisciplinary study, for instance, could be broken down into smaller paragraphs to emphasize key points.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller, focused ones to enhance readability and emphasize key ideas. Each paragraph should present a clear and complete thought, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words ("for instance," "on the other hand") and pronouns ("this," "that"). While there is a basic use of cohesive devices, more variety and precision could be introduced. Additionally, some transitions between ideas are abrupt, affecting the overall cohesion.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a broader range of transition words and phrases. Ensure that transitions are not only present but are also smooth, guiding the reader seamlessly between ideas. Consider using cohesive devices within and between paragraphs to reinforce the logical progression of the argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in the organization of information, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By focusing on these aspects, the essay can achieve a more seamless flow of ideas and enhance its overall coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderately wide range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to incorporate varied words and phrases, such as "multidisciplinary study," "comprehensive approach," and "profound understanding." However, the range could be further expanded by incorporating more sophisticated and contextually relevant vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the use of a wide range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more nuanced and specialized terms related to the discussed subjects. For example, instead of using generic terms like "various subjects" or "different aspects of life," try to integrate subject-specific terminology to showcase a deeper understanding.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. Some terms, such as "consumer behavior" and "clinical rotations," are used precisely to convey specific ideas. However, there are instances where more precise terms could replace general phrases, such as "prospective surgeon" (consider using "aspiring surgeon") or "unrelated subjects" (consider specifying the subjects).
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by using subject-specific terms where applicable. Instead of general descriptions, provide specific details using terminology related to the discussed fields. This will contribute to a more precise and nuanced expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of spelling accuracy. However, there are some instances where minor spelling errors occur, such as "pursuing" instead of "pursuing" and "necessitating the allocation all of their resources" should be "necessitating the allocation of all of their resources."
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully, paying attention to commonly misspelled words and ensuring proper sentence structure. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools can be beneficial in identifying and correcting spelling errors. Regular practice and attention to detail will contribute to enhanced spelling precision.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonably wide range of sentence structures. There is evidence of complex sentences, such as in the example: "Advocates for multidisciplinary study argue that exposure to various subjects enhances undergraduates’ understanding of different aspects of life." However, a more varied use of sentence structures could enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: Consider incorporating more varied sentence structures, including compound and compound-complex sentences. For instance, try combining short sentences to create more complex structures, and experiment with different sentence beginnings to add variety.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are a few instances where awkward phrasing or incorrect word choices slightly affect clarity. For example, the phrase "it is more appropriate and practical for several professions to pursuing a specialization" could be revised for better clarity. Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are a few areas where a more precise use of commas and semicolons could improve readability.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to sentence structure to ensure clear and precise communication. Review sentences for awkward phrasing and replace with clearer alternatives. Additionally, refine the use of punctuation marks, focusing on commas and semicolons to enhance overall coherence.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a good range of structures. To improve, focus on refining sentence structures for greater variety and clarity, and pay close attention to grammar and punctuation details to enhance overall precision.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some proponents contend that university students should have the opportunity to explore a diverse array of academic fields within their program, while others argue that devoting their time and efforts to specializing in their major area is more appropriate. In this essay, I will discuss arguments supporting each perspective, and I contend that the choice of educational approach should be influenced by students’ career aspirations after graduation.

Proponents of interdisciplinary education argue that exposure to a variety of subjects enhances undergraduates’ understanding of different aspects of life. For example, a business student exploring psychology might develop a deeper understanding of consumer behavior, fostering a more comprehensive approach to marketing strategies. Additionally, this could facilitate job applicants with a breadth of knowledge, as recruiters nowadays often favor candidates whose expertise spans multiple areas.

On the other hand, it seems more appropriate and practical for certain professions to pursue specialization rather than other subjects. This is because educating a lawyer or a medical practitioner may require a significant investment of time and money, necessitating the allocation of all their resources to acquire in-depth knowledge of their expertise. For instance, a prospective surgeon must dedicate a significant amount of time to master surgical techniques, leaving little room for unrelated subjects. I am acquainted with a medical student who acquired an in-depth understanding by specializing early and immersing themselves in clinical rotations, ultimately excelling in their medical career.

In conclusion, while the debate over whether tertiary education should offer a variety of subjects remains contentious, I believe that students should consider their future career path before choosing a suitable university program. This ensures that they make informed decisions aligned with their career goals and the demands of their chosen professions.

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