Studies have suggested that children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time on active or creative things. What are the reasons and what measures should be taken to encourage children to spend more time on active or creative things? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

Studies have suggested that children watch much more television than they did in the past and spend less time on active or creative things.
What are the reasons and what measures should be taken to encourage children to spend more time on active or creative things?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.

According to studies, children now watch far more television than they used to long ago and decrease in time spent on physical or creative activities. My essay below will analyze both causes and feasible solutions to this problem.
This trend can be attributed to various factors, and dealing with these requires a multifaceted approach to promote healthier and more balanced childhood development. One main cause of this issue is that television is easy to access and offers lots of enjoyment or entertainment. Shows and cartoons are designed to be engaging, making kids want to watch more and more. Additionally, academic pressures and a focus on structured learning may overshadow the importance of play and creativity in a child's development. Also, busy schedules mean parents sometimes use TV to keep kids occupied, invisibly limiting opportunities for children to engage in active or creative play.
In order to encourage kids to engage in more creative or active pursuits, several measures can be considered. Firstly, limiting screen time by setting rules at home can create opportunities for children to explore other interests. Besides, leading by example is also essential. Children often learn behaviors and habits by observing the actions of adults around them, particularly their parents, caregivers, and teachers. Simultaneously, local governments might invest in parks, playgrounds, and recreational facilities that foster workouts and interaction among youngsters. Schools can prioritize physical education and arts programs, ensuring that children have structured time dedicated to movement and creativity during the school day.
In conclusion, by reducing the time on television, prioritizing and supporting active and creative attempts both at home and in the community, we can ensure that children have steady and enriching experiences that contribute to their overall well-being and growth.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "now watch far more television than they used to long ago" -> "now watch significantly more television than they did in the past"
   Explanation: The phrase "long ago" is somewhat informal and vague. "In the past" is more precise and formal, fitting better in an academic context. Additionally, "significantly more" is a more precise adverbial phrase than "far more," which can be seen as colloquial.

2. "decrease in time spent on physical or creative activities" -> "decrease in time spent on physical and creative activities"
   Explanation: The use of "or" implies an alternative, which is not the intended meaning here. "And" correctly conveys that both physical and creative activities are being compared.

3. "My essay below will analyze" -> "This essay will analyze"
   Explanation: "My essay" is too informal for academic writing. "This essay" is more appropriate and maintains a formal tone.

4. "One main cause of this issue is that television is easy to access and offers lots of enjoyment or entertainment." -> "A primary cause of this issue is that television is easily accessible and offers considerable entertainment."
   Explanation: "Lots of" is informal and vague; "considerable" is more precise and formal. Also, "or" is replaced with a comma to correctly separate items in a list without implying alternatives.

5. "Shows and cartoons are designed to be engaging, making kids want to watch more and more." -> "Shows and cartoons are designed to be engaging, thereby encouraging children to watch more frequently."
   Explanation: "Making kids want to watch more and more" is informal and repetitive. "Thereby encouraging children to watch more frequently" is more formal and avoids redundancy.

6. "Also, busy schedules mean parents sometimes use TV to keep kids occupied, invisibly limiting opportunities for children to engage in active or creative play." -> "Additionally, busy schedules often lead parents to use television as a means of keeping children occupied, thereby inadvertently limiting opportunities for active and creative play."
   Explanation: "Also" is less formal than "Additionally," and "invisibly" is not the correct term here; "inadvertently" is the appropriate adverb for describing unintended consequences. "As a means of keeping children occupied" is more formal than "to keep kids occupied."

7. "leading by example is also essential" -> "leading by example is also crucial"
   Explanation: "Essential" is somewhat generic; "crucial" conveys a stronger necessity, which is more suitable for academic writing.

8. "Simultaneously, local governments might invest in parks, playgrounds, and recreational facilities that foster workouts and interaction among youngsters." -> "Concurrently, local governments could invest in parks, playgrounds, and recreational facilities that promote physical activity and social interaction among young people."
   Explanation: "Simultaneously" is less common in formal writing; "concurrently" is more appropriate. "Foster workouts and interaction" is vague; "promote physical activity and social interaction" is more specific and formal. "Youngsters" is informal; "young people" is more suitable for academic contexts.

9. "Schools can prioritize physical education and arts programs" -> "Schools should prioritize physical education and arts programs"
   Explanation: "Can" is less assertive than "should," which is more suitable for recommending actions in an academic context.

10. "ensuring that children have structured time dedicated to movement and creativity during the school day" -> "ensuring that children have dedicated time for physical activity and creative pursuits during the school day"
    Explanation: "Structured time dedicated to movement and creativity" is redundant; "dedicated time for physical activity and creative pursuits" is more concise and avoids redundancy.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay comprehensively addresses both aspects of the prompt: reasons why children watch more TV and spend less time on active or creative activities, and measures to encourage more active or creative engagement.

  • It identifies causes such as easy access to television, academic pressures, and busy schedules limiting active play.

  • It proposes solutions including setting limits on screen time, parental role modeling, community investments in recreational facilities, and enhancing school programs.

  • How to improve: While the essay effectively covers the main points, there could be more emphasis on specific examples or statistics to support the claims made. Providing concrete instances of successful interventions or data on screen time trends could strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout that excessive television viewing and reduced active/creative time among children are issues that require addressing.

  • The introduction states the intention to analyze causes and propose solutions.

  • Each paragraph consistently reinforces the need for action to promote healthier childhood development.

  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, ensuring that each paragraph directly ties back to the central thesis would be beneficial. Clear topic sentences linking to the thesis could strengthen coherence.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: Ideas are presented logically with a clear progression from causes to solutions.

  • Each cause (e.g., accessibility of television, academic pressures) is explained and elaborated upon with relevant reasoning.

  • Solutions (e.g., setting rules, role modeling, community investments) are detailed and supported with practical suggestions.

  • How to improve: Adding more depth to the explanation of each solution could further develop the essay. For instance, elaborating on how specific types of recreational facilities can foster creativity or discussing case studies of successful school programs would provide richer content.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic, focusing on why children spend more time on TV and less on active/creative pursuits, and what measures can be taken to rectify this.

  • It occasionally touches on related issues such as academic pressures but generally remains centered on the main theme.

  • How to improve: To maintain tighter focus, ensuring that each paragraph directly relates to either the causes or the solutions without digressing into related but less relevant topics would improve coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses both the causes and solutions related to children’s media consumption and engagement in active/creative activities. Enhancing the use of specific examples, reinforcing clarity through topic sentences, deepening the discussion of proposed solutions, and maintaining strict relevance to the main theme would further elevate the coherence and effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally clear organization with an introduction, body paragraphs addressing causes and solutions, and a concluding paragraph summarizing the main points. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect related to either causes or solutions, maintaining a clear thematic progression.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider ensuring a stronger link between paragraphs. For instance, transition sentences could more explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph maintains a single clear focus can help in reinforcing the logical flow.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to structure its ideas. Each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence and develops its main idea coherently. The division into paragraphs helps in presenting different facets of the argument clearly.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing further, consider varying the length and complexity of sentences within paragraphs for added variety. This can help in maintaining reader engagement and reinforcing the essay’s coherence.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices such as linking words ("firstly," "besides," "simultaneously," "in conclusion") and pronouns ("this," "these") to connect ideas within and between sentences. These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance cohesion, aim to diversify the types of cohesive devices used. Incorporate more sophisticated linking phrases and synonyms for repeated key terms to avoid monotony and enhance lexical cohesion. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout to strengthen the logical connections between ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there are opportunities to strengthen the logical flow through more explicit paragraph transitions and varied use of cohesive devices. By implementing these improvements, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Coherence and Cohesion in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of vocabulary. It includes terms such as "multifaceted," "overshadow," "structured learning," "engaging," and "enriching," which show attempts at lexical diversity. However, there is room for improvement as some ideas are expressed using repetitive vocabulary, such as "active or creative" and "television," which could be substituted with synonyms to enhance variety and precision.
  • How to improve: To increase lexical range, consider using synonyms or more specific terms where appropriate. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "active or creative," explore alternatives like "physical pursuits" or "imaginative endeavors" to convey nuanced meanings. Additionally, ensure that each term used is directly relevant to the context to avoid redundancy and enhance clarity.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary effectively but occasionally lacks precision. For instance, terms like "enjoyment" and "entertainment" could be more precisely replaced with words like "amusement" or "edutainment" to better capture the intended meaning. Moreover, some phrases, such as "creative or active pursuits," could benefit from more specific vocabulary choices to better convey the author’s ideas.
  • How to improve: Aim for more precise vocabulary choices that align closely with the intended meaning of each concept. Use a thesaurus to identify more exact terms that accurately reflect the nuanced aspects of the topic. For example, instead of "lots of enjoyment," consider "a plethora of entertainment options" to enrich the expression while maintaining clarity and relevance.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally maintained throughout the essay, with no major errors detracting from readability. However, there are a few minor inaccuracies such as "workouts" instead of "playgrounds" and "invisibly" instead of "inadvertently." These instances suggest a need for careful proofreading to ensure consistent spelling accuracy.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, develop a systematic proofreading strategy that focuses specifically on identifying common errors. Utilize tools like spell-check and review each draft with a critical eye for typographical mistakes. Additionally, practicing writing under timed conditions can help improve spelling accuracy under pressure.

By implementing these improvements, the essay can elevate its Lexical Resource score by demonstrating a broader vocabulary range, more precise word choices, and enhanced spelling accuracy. These enhancements will contribute to clearer communication and a more sophisticated expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. For example, it employs complex sentences with multiple clauses ("According to studies, children now watch far more television than they used to long ago and decrease in time spent on physical or creative activities") alongside simpler structures to maintain clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: To further enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound-complex sentences and varying the placement of dependent and independent clauses. This can add nuance and sophistication to the writing, improving the overall flow and engagement for the reader.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where minor errors occur, such as missing commas in compound sentences or incorrect tense usage ("shows and cartoons are designed to be engaging, making kids want to watch more and more").
  • How to improve: Pay closer attention to the use of commas in complex sentences, ensuring they separate clauses effectively. Review the consistency of verb tenses throughout the essay to maintain grammatical accuracy and clarity. Practicing proofreading techniques, such as reading the essay aloud or having someone else review it, can help catch these minor errors.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and demonstrates strong grammatical proficiency overall, there is room for further improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy to achieve an even higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

According to studies, children now watch significantly more television than they did in the past, leading to a decrease in time spent on physical or creative activities. This essay will analyze the reasons behind this trend and propose practical solutions to encourage children to engage more in active and creative pursuits.

A primary cause of this issue is that television is easily accessible and offers considerable entertainment. Shows and cartoons are designed to be engaging, thereby encouraging children to watch more frequently. Additionally, busy schedules often lead parents to use television as a means of keeping children occupied, thereby inadvertently limiting opportunities for active and creative play.

To address this issue, several measures can be taken. Firstly, setting clear limits on screen time at home can create opportunities for children to explore other interests. Additionally, leading by example is crucial; children often emulate the behaviors of adults around them, particularly their parents, caregivers, and teachers.

Concurrently, local governments could invest in parks, playgrounds, and recreational facilities that promote physical activity and social interaction among young people. Schools should prioritize physical education and arts programs, ensuring that children have dedicated time for physical activity and creative pursuits during the school day.

In conclusion, by reducing children’s television viewing time and promoting active and creative endeavors both at home and in the community, we can ensure that children have balanced and enriching experiences that contribute positively to their overall well-being and development.