Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the mam features, and make comparisons where relevant

The provided bar chart demonstrates the number of employees in five different types of work.
Overall. it is clear that sales attracted the most people throughout the years compared to other categories. The opposite trend was true for farming. It is also notable that there were more people employed for the shown jobs in 2008 than in 2001.
In detail, fewer than 160.000 people were employed in sales in 2001, while in 2008, the same category witnessed an upward trend, reaching a number of higher than 160.000. In accounting, from the beginning, below 60.000 people worked in the field before experiencing a slight decrease in 2008. Meanwhile, in computing, about more than 10.000 people were hired in 2008 than in 2001. Similarly, the number of people employed for nursing in 2008 preceeded 2001 data. Whilst, in farming, a decline occured with fewer people in 2008 than in 2001.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Overall. it is clear" -> "Overall, it is evident"
Explanation: The period after "Overall" should be a comma, not a period. "It is evident" is a more formal and precise term than "it is clear," aligning better with academic style.
"compared to other categories" -> "compared to the other categories"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "other categories" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances the formality of the sentence.
"It is also notable that" -> "It is also noteworthy that"
Explanation: "Noteworthy" is a more formal synonym for "notable," which is more suitable for academic writing.
"for the shown jobs" -> "for the occupations depicted"
Explanation: "Occupations depicted" is more precise and formal than "the shown jobs," which is vague and informal.
"fewer than 160.000 people" -> "less than 160,000 people"
Explanation: "Less" is the correct comparative form for quantities, and the comma is necessary after the number for clarity and formality.
"the same category witnessed an upward trend, reaching a number of higher than 160.000" -> "the same category experienced a significant increase, exceeding 160,000"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase" is more specific and formal than "witnessed an upward trend," and "exceeding" is more precise than "a number of higher than."
"below 60.000 people" -> "fewer than 60,000 people"
Explanation: "Fewer" is the correct comparative form for countable nouns like "people," and the comma is necessary for clarity and formality.
"before experiencing a slight decrease in 2008" -> "prior to experiencing a slight decline in 2008"
Explanation: "Prior to" is a more formal temporal preposition than "before," and "decline" is a more academic term than "decrease."
"about more than 10.000 people" -> "approximately 10,000 more people"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more precise and formal than "about," and rephrasing to "10,000 more people" clarifies the meaning.
"preceeded" -> "preceded"
Explanation: "Preceeded" is a typographical error; the correct spelling is "preceded."
"a decline occured" -> "a decline occurred"
Explanation: "Occurred" is the correct form of the verb in this context, and it should be used as a main verb, not a past participle.
"fewer people in 2008 than in 2001" -> "fewer people in 2008 than in 2001"
Explanation: This correction maintains the original meaning and avoids redundancy by removing the unnecessary repetition of "people."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the text, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay provides a general overview of the information presented in the bar chart. It identifies the main features, such as the highest and lowest employment figures, and makes some comparisons between the years 2001 and 2008. However, the essay lacks a clear and concise overview of the main trends. It also includes some irrelevant details, such as the specific number of people employed in each category in 2001 and 2008.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a more comprehensive overview of the main trends, such as the overall increase in employment in most categories and the decline in farming. The essay could also be made more concise by removing irrelevant details and focusing on the key features of the data. For example, instead of stating that "fewer than 160.000 people were employed in sales in 2001," the essay could simply state that "sales experienced the highest employment figures in both years."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the details about the employment figures. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, with instances of awkward phrasing and unclear references (e.g., "the same category witnessed an upward trend" could be more clearly stated). While the essay does use paragraphs, the logical flow within and between them is not always consistent, which detracts from the overall coherence.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively, ensuring that each device clearly connects ideas. Additionally, improving the clarity of references and ensuring that paragraphs are logically structured will help create a smoother flow of information. Finally, varying sentence structures and avoiding repetitive phrases can also contribute to a more engaging and coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "higher than 160.000" and "preceeded 2001 data," which detract from the overall clarity. Additionally, there are some errors in spelling and word formation, such as "occurred" being misspelled as "occured." While these errors do not completely impede communication, they do affect the overall impression of lexical resource.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision and accuracy. This includes ensuring correct word choice and collocation, as well as avoiding spelling errors. Practicing with synonyms and varying sentence structures can also help to convey meanings more fluently and flexibly. Furthermore, reviewing the use of less common lexical items and ensuring their correct application will strengthen the essay’s lexical quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score. There are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, such as the use of "Overall." instead of "Overall," and "preceeded" instead of "preceded." These errors do not significantly hinder communication but do indicate a lack of control over grammatical accuracy. The essay also contains some awkward phrasing, such as "about more than 10.000 people were hired," which could be expressed more clearly. Overall, while the essay conveys the main features and comparisons effectively, the presence of errors and a lack of variety in sentence structures limit its score.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Punctuation: Ensure correct punctuation throughout the essay, particularly with commas and periods.
Grammar: Review and practice common grammatical structures to reduce errors, especially with verb forms and word choice.
Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to enhance the overall fluency and coherence of the writing.
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay for any minor slips or errors before submission.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates the number of employees in five different sectors. Overall, it is clear that sales attracted the most individuals throughout the years compared to other categories. Conversely, farming exhibited a declining trend. It is also noteworthy that there were more people employed in the specified jobs in 2008 than in 2001.

In detail, fewer than 160,000 people were employed in sales in 2001, while in 2008, this category experienced an upward trend, reaching a figure exceeding 160,000. In accounting, initially, fewer than 60,000 individuals worked in the field before experiencing a slight decrease by 2008. Meanwhile, in computing, approximately 10,000 more people were employed in 2008 than in 2001. Similarly, the number of individuals employed in nursing in 2008 surpassed the figures from 2001. In contrast, farming saw a decline, with fewer employees in 2008 compared to 2001.