Talk about the causes and effects of gender inequality

Gender inequality is the problem in many countries in the world. It has been seen in many fields such as education, jobs and chance to have health services. The key reasons for this is the prejudice of looking down on women, which has lasted for ages. Because of the thought of valuing men above women, the husband forces his wife to give birth to more children until they have a son without caring about the woman’s health and feeling. As a rule of thumb the woman must serve her husband unconditionally. She is also the victim of family violence when the husband gets angry. To improve the situation, the authorities must propagate and educate people, so that we can improve knowledge and understanding about the value of women, reach the gender equality, and use women’s potentials for a better society.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Gender inequality is the problem in many countries in the world." -> "Gender inequality is pervasive across many countries worldwide."
Explanation: Replacing "is the problem" with "is pervasive" enhances the formality and clarity of the statement. Additionally, "in many countries in the world" can be simplified to "across many countries worldwide" for conciseness and academic appropriateness.
"It has been seen in many fields such as education, jobs and chance to have health services." -> "It manifests in various domains, including education, employment, and access to healthcare."
Explanation: "Has been seen" is too colloquial; "manifests" is a more formal and appropriate term. "Chance to have health services" lacks precision and formality; "access to healthcare" is a more accurate and academic term.
"The key reasons for this is the prejudice of looking down on women, which has lasted for ages." -> "The primary cause of this phenomenon is entrenched gender bias against women, persisting over generations."
Explanation: "Key reasons" is grammatically incorrect; "primary cause" is more appropriate. "Prejudice of looking down on women" lacks precision and formality; "entrenched gender bias against women" is a more precise and academic term. "Has lasted for ages" can be replaced with "persisting over generations" for a more formal tone.
"Because of the thought of valuing men above women, the husband forces his wife to give birth to more children until they have a son without caring about the woman’s health and feeling." -> "Due to the societal preference for male offspring, husbands may pressure their wives into bearing additional children until a son is born, disregarding the woman’s well-being and emotions."
Explanation: "Because of the thought of valuing men above women" is overly simplistic and lacks formality; "due to the societal preference for male offspring" is a more precise and academic phrase. "Without caring about the woman’s health and feeling" can be refined to "disregarding the woman’s well-being and emotions" for clarity and formality.
"As a rule of thumb the woman must serve her husband unconditionally." -> "Traditionally, women are expected to serve their husbands unconditionally."
Explanation: "As a rule of thumb" is informal and unnecessary in academic writing; "traditionally" is a more suitable term.
"She is also the victim of family violence when the husband gets angry." -> "She is also vulnerable to domestic violence when her husband becomes angry."
Explanation: "Victim of family violence" can be replaced with "vulnerable to domestic violence" for precision and formality. "When the husband gets angry" can be refined to "when her husband becomes angry" for clarity and formality.
"To improve the situation, the authorities must propagate and educate people, so that we can improve knowledge and understanding about the value of women, reach the gender equality, and use women’s potentials for a better society." -> "To address this issue, authorities must disseminate educational campaigns aimed at enhancing awareness of gender equality, promoting the value of women, and harnessing women’s potential for societal advancement."
Explanation: "Propagate and educate people" is too vague and informal; "disseminate educational campaigns" is a more precise and formal alternative. "Improve knowledge and understanding" is redundant and can be simplified to "enhancing awareness." "Reach the gender equality" is grammatically incorrect; "promoting gender equality" is a more accurate phrase. "Use women’s potentials for a better society" can be refined to "harnessing women’s potential for societal advancement" for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by discussing the causes and effects of gender inequality. It identifies prejudice against women, enforced gender roles within marriage, and domestic violence as key issues contributing to gender inequality. However, it lacks depth in exploring the effects of gender inequality and could provide more specific examples or evidence to support its claims.
- How to improve: To fully address all parts of the question, the essay should delve deeper into the effects of gender inequality, such as its impact on economic opportunities, education, and social mobility. Providing concrete examples or statistics could strengthen the argument and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that gender inequality is a significant problem rooted in societal attitudes and practices. It consistently emphasizes the need for education and awareness to combat gender discrimination and promote equality. However, the essay could strengthen its position by explicitly stating whether it believes gender inequality can be eradicated entirely or if it can only be mitigated to some extent.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should explicitly state its stance on the potential for eliminating gender inequality and provide supporting arguments or evidence to reinforce this position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the causes of gender inequality, such as prejudice and traditional gender roles, but lacks depth in extending and supporting these ideas. While it briefly mentions the impact on women’s health and well-being, it does not provide detailed examples or analysis to substantiate these claims.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the essay should provide more specific examples, anecdotes, or studies to illustrate the causes and effects of gender inequality. Additionally, expanding on how societal attitudes and practices perpetuate gender inequality would enrich the discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the causes and effects of gender inequality. However, it briefly touches on the potential solutions towards the end without fully exploring them or connecting them back to the main topic.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should refrain from introducing new ideas or solutions in the conclusion without adequately addressing them in the body paragraphs. Instead, it should focus on elaborating on the causes and effects of gender inequality in more detail to ensure coherence and relevance throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It introduces the topic of gender inequality and its causes, discusses the effects, and suggests solutions. However, the progression of ideas could be clearer. For instance, the transition between discussing the causes and effects is somewhat abrupt, lacking a smooth flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer signposts or transitional phrases to guide the reader through the essay. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, leading to a more coherent overall structure.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but their effectiveness is limited. While there are some attempts to group related ideas together, the paragraphs are short and lack depth. This affects the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Aim for more developed paragraphs that contain a topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea related to the topic of gender inequality, ensuring a more coherent and organized essay structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "because of," "as a rule of thumb," and "so that." However, there is limited variety, and the essay could benefit from more diverse and sophisticated cohesive devices to improve coherence.
- How to improve: Try to incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore"), and transitional phrases (e.g., "on the other hand," "in conclusion"). This will help create smoother transitions between ideas and improve overall coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in terms of logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By focusing on these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary related to the topic of gender inequality. Some key terms and phrases such as "prejudice," "gender equality," "potential," and "family violence" are appropriately used to convey the writer’s ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of vocabulary. For instance, synonyms or related terms could be incorporated to add depth to the discussion and enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer could explore synonyms, antonyms, or more precise vocabulary related to gender inequality. For example, instead of repeatedly using "husband," alternate phrases like "spouse" or "partner" could be employed to avoid repetition and enrich the vocabulary. Additionally, incorporating specialized terms specific to gender studies or social sciences can elevate the sophistication of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with reasonable precision, effectively conveying the intended meaning. For instance, terms like "prejudice," "family violence," and "gender equality" are appropriately employed to describe different aspects of gender inequality. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "the problem in many countries in the world" could be refined to specify the extent or scope of gender inequality more precisely.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should strive to use vocabulary that accurately reflects the nuances of the topic. This could involve avoiding generalizations and opting for more specific terms to describe the causes and effects of gender inequality. Thesauruses and dictionaries can be valuable tools for finding precise synonyms and refining language choices.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates satisfactory spelling accuracy overall. Most words are spelled correctly, contributing to clear communication of ideas. However, there are a few instances of minor spelling errors, such as "propagate" instead of "promote" and "health services" instead of "healthcare services."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay before submission to identify and correct any spelling errors. Utilizing spelling and grammar checkers available in word processing software can also help catch overlooked mistakes. Additionally, practicing spelling through activities such as vocabulary drills or writing exercises can improve overall spelling proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is limited variation within these structures. For instance, there’s a tendency towards simple sentences, which can make the writing feel repetitive and lack sophistication. Example structures include: "Gender inequality is the problem in many countries in the world" (simple sentence), "The key reasons for this is the prejudice of looking down on women" (complex sentence), "Because of the thought of valuing men above women, the husband forces his wife to give birth to more children until they have a son without caring about the woman’s health and feeling" (compound-complex sentence). While these structures convey the writer’s ideas adequately, incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as subordinate clauses, participial phrases, or varied sentence lengths, could enhance the essay’s readability and overall quality.
- How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and complexity of the essay, consider integrating a wider variety of sentence structures. Experiment with incorporating subordinate clauses to add depth and complexity to ideas. Additionally, vary the length of sentences to create a more engaging rhythm and flow in the writing. For example, instead of consistently using simple sentences, try combining ideas into compound or complex sentences where appropriate. This will elevate the sophistication of the writing and demonstrate a stronger command of grammar and syntax.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some grammatical and punctuation errors that occasionally impede clarity and comprehension. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("The key reasons for this is"), article usage ("the prejudice of looking down on women"), and sentence structure ("As a rule of thumb the woman must serve her husband unconditionally"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases ("To improve the situation, the authorities must propagate and educate people"). While these errors do not render the essay incomprehensible, they detract from its overall effectiveness and readability.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s crucial to review and revise the essay for common errors such as subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation. Pay particular attention to ensuring that subjects and verbs agree in number and that articles (such as "the" and "a/an") are used correctly before nouns. Additionally, carefully review the use of punctuation marks, including commas, periods, and apostrophes, to ensure that they are used appropriately to clarify meaning and aid comprehension. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors more effectively. With consistent practice and attention to detail, you can strengthen your grammatical accuracy and improve the overall quality of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Gender inequality persists in many countries worldwide, spanning various domains such as education, employment, and access to healthcare. The primary cause of this phenomenon lies in deep-seated gender bias against women, which has endured across generations. Due to the societal preference for male offspring, husbands often exert pressure on their wives to bear additional children until a son is born, disregarding the woman’s well-being and emotions. Additionally, traditional gender roles dictate that women must unconditionally serve their husbands, leaving them vulnerable to domestic violence when their husbands become angry.

To address this issue effectively, authorities must disseminate educational campaigns aimed at enhancing awareness of gender equality, promoting the value of women, and harnessing women’s potential for societal advancement. By improving knowledge and understanding about the importance of gender equality and empowering women, we can create a more equitable society where everyone can thrive.