Task 01: Chart The charts below show the percentage of male and female workers in country A and country B. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

Task 01: Chart

The charts below show the percentage of male and female workers in country A and country B. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagrams display the proportion of male and female labourers in 2 countries namely A and B.
Overall, it is discernible that the percentage of services always accounted for the highest place in all pie charts. Additionally, in country A, people tend to work in agriculture rather than industry. Conversely, the industry has become a priority second job that people prefer to do in country B.
In country A, service statistic for both sexes are on top are almost a half higher onwards. The percentage of male employees who work in industry is nearly twice as much as female in work force, which are at 15% and 8%, respectively. Besides, women in country A prefer to work in agriculture more than men do, which was evidenced by a huge distinction between male and female in agriculture, is nearly 15%.
The country B see the agricultural statistic consistently made up for the lowest place, with male is 3% and 1% for female. The proportion of female labourers in industry is 3 times as less as male’s figure, which is 11% and 32%, respectively. Services in both genders always stay at the highest point.

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Errors and Improvements:

"display" -> "depict"
Explanation: "Depict" is a more formal and precise term commonly used in academic or analytical contexts to describe the presentation of information or data.
"it is discernible that" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: "Evident" is a more sophisticated synonym for "discernible," conveying a clearer and stronger sense of observation or perception.
"people tend to work in agriculture" -> "individuals tend to engage in agricultural activities"
Explanation: "Engage in agricultural activities" is a more precise and formal phrasing, emphasizing the specific actions involved in agricultural work rather than simply "working in agriculture."
"has become a priority second job" -> "has emerged as the secondary employment priority"
Explanation: "Emerged as" conveys a sense of development or prominence, while "secondary employment priority" is a more precise and formal expression than "priority second job."
"are on top are almost a half higher onwards" -> "dominate, exceeding by nearly half"
Explanation: "Dominate" succinctly conveys the idea of being at the highest position, and "exceeding by nearly half" provides a clearer and more precise comparison than "almost a half higher onwards."
"twice as much as" -> "twice that of"
Explanation: "Twice that of" is a more concise and formal way to express a comparison of quantities, commonly used in analytical writing.
"prefer to work" -> "are inclined to engage in"
Explanation: "Are inclined to engage in" suggests a deliberate choice or tendency towards a certain type of work, conveying a more nuanced understanding of preferences.
"huge distinction between male and female" -> "significant disparity between male and female"
Explanation: "Significant disparity" is a more precise and formal phrase to describe a considerable difference, conveying the magnitude of the contrast more effectively.
"see the agricultural statistic consistently made up for the lowest place" -> "observe that agricultural statistics consistently occupy the lowest proportion"
Explanation: "Occupy the lowest proportion" is a more precise and formal way to describe the position of agricultural statistics in the data, avoiding the colloquialism of "made up for the lowest place."
"3 times as less as" -> "one-third that of"
Explanation: "One-third that of" is a more formal and precise expression for indicating a threefold difference in quantity.
"always stay at" -> "consistently remain at"
Explanation: "Consistently remain at" is a more formal and precise phrasing for describing the consistent position of services in the data.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay generally addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the charts. It provides an overview of the main trends, such as the dominance of the service sector in both countries and the preference for agriculture in country A and industry in country B. However, there are several issues with clarity, coherence, and accuracy that prevent it from scoring higher.

How to improve:
To improve, the writer should focus on providing a clearer and more organized overview of the data, ensuring that key features are accurately represented and compared. Additionally, they should work on improving the coherence and cohesion of the essay by using more appropriate linking words and sentence structures.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a moderate level of coherence and cohesion. It organizes information in a reasonably logical manner with some clear progression throughout the essay. The introduction provides an overview of the charts and outlines the main features to be discussed. Each paragraph focuses on specific aspects of the data, such as industry, agriculture, and services, which helps in maintaining coherence.

However, there are instances where the essay could improve in terms of cohesion and coherence. Some sentences lack clarity due to faulty cohesion, such as "The percentage of services always accounted for the highest place in all pie charts." This sentence could be clearer and more logically connected to the overall context. Additionally, there are minor issues with coherence within and between sentences, which slightly affect the overall flow of the essay.

Paragraphing is used sufficiently but not always logically. While each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the data, there are instances where the transition between paragraphs could be smoother, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on ensuring clear and logical connections between ideas and sentences. Pay attention to the use of cohesive devices such as conjunctions, pronouns, and transitional phrases to create smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, carefully organize paragraphs to ensure a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. Lastly, review the use of referencing and substitution to avoid repetition and enhance clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a somewhat limited range of vocabulary, with some repetition and errors in word choice and word formation. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, but inaccuracies are noticeable. For instance, there are errors in collocation and some awkward phrasing ("service statistic" instead of "service sector statistics," "made up for" instead of "accounted for"). Spelling and word formation errors are present, but they do not severely impede communication.

How to improve:
To improve the lexical resource, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary and using it more precisely. They should aim for more accurate word choices and collocations, avoiding awkward phrases. Additionally, attention to spelling and word formation is crucial to enhance clarity and coherence. Reading more diverse materials and paying attention to vocabulary usage in context can help in achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex forms. There is an effort to vary sentence structure, although it lacks full flexibility. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors throughout the essay, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("service statistic for both sexes are on top"), inaccurate word usage ("prefer to work in agriculture more than men do"), and awkward phrasing ("a half higher onwards"). These errors hinder clarity and impact the overall accuracy of the essay.

How to improve:
To improve grammatical range and accuracy, focus on enhancing sentence structure variety while ensuring accuracy in grammar and word choice. Proofreading for subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and appropriate word usage will help reduce errors. Additionally, strive for clearer and more concise expression of ideas to enhance overall coherence and readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided diagrams illustrate the distribution of male and female workforce across two countries, denoted as A and B.

Overall, it is evident that the service sector consistently comprises the largest proportion of employment in both countries. Notably, in country A, agricultural employment predominates over industrial employment, whereas in country B, industrial work is more prevalent.

In country A, the service sector employs nearly half of the workforce for both genders. Male representation in the industrial sector is almost double that of females, with figures standing at 15% and 8% respectively. Conversely, females in country A exhibit a greater inclination towards agricultural work compared to males, with a notable disparity between the genders, approximately 15%.

Country B exhibits a consistent trend of agriculture occupying the smallest share of employment, with figures at 3% for males and 1% for females. Furthermore, female representation in the industrial sector is significantly lower compared to males, with proportions of 11% and 32% respectively. The service sector remains the dominant choice for employment across both genders in country B.