Task 1: The chart below compares the percentage of time Australian mothers and fathers spent helping their children with four activities in 2013.

The bar chart illustrates the amount of time Australian parents spend with their children in 2013.It delineates 4 different activities: dressing, homework, playing games and preparing for beds.
Overall, mothers devoted more time to help children doing household chores and homework, while fathers tended to assist with playing games and preparing for beds and couples spent most of their time on exercises.
In terms of mothers, they allocated most of their time on clothes at 75%, with homework at nearly 60% and bed-making at around 45%.In addition, they spent least time on recreational activities at just 25%.
Regarding fathers, they showed interest in entertainment and preparing for beds.The total time spent on playing games was three times higher compared to mothers at 75%, followed by preparing for beds at 50%.They didn’t dedicate much time to homework at 30%, with dressing at 20%.
Lastly, parents didn’t spend much time together helping their children with these activities.Homework was relatively 10%, followed by playing games and dressing at around 5%, finally bed-making at 2%.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart illustrates" -> "The bar chart depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise term for describing visual representations, aligning better with academic style by emphasizing the chart’s function in conveying information.
"Australian parents spend" -> "Australian parents allocate"
Explanation: "Allocate" is more specific and formal than "spend," which is somewhat vague and casual for academic writing.
"help children doing household chores" -> "assist children with household chores"
Explanation: "Assist" is more formal and precise than "help," and "with" is grammatically correct compared to "doing."
"tended to assist" -> "were inclined to assist"
Explanation: "Were inclined to assist" is a more formal expression that better fits academic writing by implying a tendency or propensity rather than a direct action.
"playing games and preparing for beds" -> "engaging in recreational activities and preparing for bedtime"
Explanation: "Engaging in recreational activities" is more specific and formal than "playing games," and "preparing for bedtime" is clearer than "preparing for beds."
"couples spent most of their time on exercises" -> "couples devoted most of their time to physical exercise"
Explanation: "Devoted" is more formal than "spent," and "physical exercise" is a more precise term than "exercises" in this context.
"mothers devoted most of their time on clothes" -> "mothers devoted most of their time to dressing"
Explanation: "Dressing" is a more specific term than "clothes," and "to" is the correct preposition for indicating purpose.
"homework at nearly 60%" -> "homework at approximately 60%"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more precise and formal than "nearly," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"bed-making at around 45%" -> "bed-making at approximately 45%"
Explanation: Consistency in terminology is maintained by using "approximately" instead of "around" to match the style of the rest of the chart.
"least time on recreational activities" -> "least time allocated to recreational activities"
Explanation: "Allocated" is more specific and formal than "spent," and "to" is the correct preposition for indicating purpose.
"showed interest in" -> "were interested in"
Explanation: "Were interested in" is a more natural and formal way to express engagement in activities.
"The total time spent on playing games was three times higher" -> "The total time devoted to playing games was three times that of"
Explanation: "Devoted" is more formal than "spent," and "that of" clarifies the comparison with mothers.
"didn’t dedicate much time" -> "did not allocate significant time"
Explanation: "Did not allocate significant time" is more formal and precise than "didn’t dedicate much time."
"Homework was relatively 10%" -> "Homework accounted for approximately 10%"
Explanation: "Accounted for" is a more precise and formal expression than "was," and "approximately" is preferred over "relatively" for academic style.
"playing games and dressing at around 5%" -> "playing games and dressing at approximately 5%"
Explanation: Consistency in terminology is maintained by using "approximately" instead of "around."

These changes enhance the formality and precision of the language used in the essay, aligning it more closely with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. Instead, it recounts details mechanically, focusing on specific percentages rather than highlighting the overall patterns. The essay also presents some inaccurate information, such as stating that parents spent most of their time on exercises, which is not supported by the data.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could state that mothers generally spent more time helping their children with homework and dressing, while fathers spent more time helping their children with playing games and preparing for bed. The essay could also be improved by avoiding inaccurate statements and focusing on presenting the data accurately.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression. The structure is logical, with an introduction, an overview, and detailed comparisons between the activities for mothers and fathers. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where the referencing could be clearer. For example, phrases like "they" and "the total time" could be more explicitly linked to their subjects to enhance clarity. Additionally, while paragraphing is present, it could be improved for better logical flow.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the use of cohesive devices to create smoother transitions between ideas. This can be done by varying the types of cohesive devices used and ensuring that references are clear and unambiguous. Additionally, improving paragraph structure to ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and flows logically into the next would also help. Finally, providing more detailed comparisons and insights into the data could strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, allowing for basic communication of the data presented in the chart. However, attempts to use less common vocabulary are present but often lack accuracy, such as "allocated most of their time on clothes" instead of "allocated most of their time to dressing." There are some errors in word choice and collocation, which slightly impede clarity. Additionally, there are minor spelling and grammatical issues, such as missing spaces after punctuation and awkward phrasing that detracts from the overall fluency and coherence of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes practicing the correct collocations and prepositions (e.g., "spending time on" instead of "spending time with"). Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and ensuring that less common lexical items are used accurately will also help. Furthermore, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors can improve clarity and professionalism in the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some good attempts at complex structures, the essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that occasionally hinder communication. For example, phrases like "help children doing household chores" could be more accurately expressed as "help children with household chores." Additionally, the lack of appropriate punctuation in some sentences affects the overall clarity of the writing.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by proofreading for errors and ensuring that complex sentences are constructed correctly. Increasing the variety of sentence structures and using more precise vocabulary would also contribute to a clearer and more sophisticated essay. Practicing writing with a focus on punctuation and sentence variety will help in achieving a better score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the amount of time Australian parents spent with their children in 2013. It delineates four different activities: dressing, homework, playing games, and preparing for bed.

Overall, mothers devoted more time to helping their children with household chores and homework, while fathers tended to assist with playing games and preparing for bed. Couples spent most of their time on recreational activities.

In terms of mothers, they allocated most of their time to dressing at 75%, followed by homework at nearly 60% and preparing for bed at around 45%. In addition, they spent the least time on recreational activities, at just 25%.

Regarding fathers, they showed a preference for entertainment and preparing for bed. The total time spent on playing games was three times higher compared to mothers, at 75%, followed by preparing for bed at 50%. They did not dedicate much time to homework, at 30%, with dressing at 20%.

Lastly, parents did not spend much time together helping their children with these activities. Time spent on homework was relatively low at 10%, followed by playing games and dressing at around 5%, and finally preparing for bed at 2%.