Task 1: The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work in one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.

The given chart illustrates the number of employees in five types of occupations in a region in Australia between 2001 and 2008.

Overall, in both 2001 and 2008, the sales had the largest number of people, while farming experienced the smallest number. There were minor changes in the number of other industries between 2001 and 2008.

Looking first at the sales industry, the number of people who work in this career was approximately 150000, then in 2008, it increased by 20000, the total was 170000 people. From 2001 to 2008, the number of workers in the computer sector rose from 50000 to 70000, while the quantity of people who worked in nursing just increased by half as computer, from 50000 to 60000.

Turning to the accounting sector, the number of employees in this career in 2001 was just over 60000 and decreased slightly in 2008. Between 2001 and 2008, there was a decrease by approximately 10000 workers in farming career, from nearly 30000 to 20000 people.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the sales had the largest number of people" -> "the sales industry employed the largest number of individuals"
Explanation: Replacing "the sales had" with "the sales industry employed" clarifies that "sales" refers to the industry, not a possessive form. Using "individuals" instead of "people" enhances the formal tone of the academic writing.
"farming experienced the smallest number" -> "farming had the smallest number of employees"
Explanation: Adding "of employees" specifies that the context is about the number of people employed in farming, making the statement more precise and contextually accurate.
"There were minor changes" -> "There were relatively small changes"
Explanation: "Relatively small" is a more precise and formal way to describe changes that are not significant, fitting better in an academic context than the vague "minor."
"the number of people who work in this career" -> "the number of employees in this profession"
Explanation: "Employees" is more specific and formal than "people," and "profession" is a more precise term than "career" in this context.
"then in 2008, it increased by 20000, the total was 170000 people" -> "thereafter, the number increased by 20,000, reaching a total of 170,000 employees"
Explanation: "Thereafter" is more formal than "then," and "reaching a total of" is more precise than "the total was," providing a clearer description of the increase.
"the quantity of people who worked in nursing just increased by half as computer" -> "the number of employees in nursing increased by half that of the computer industry"
Explanation: "Increased by half that of" is a more precise and formal way to express comparative change, and "employees" is used consistently throughout the text for consistency.
"the accounting sector, the number of employees in this career" -> "the accounting sector, the number of employees in this profession"
Explanation: Consistency in terminology is maintained by using "profession" instead of "career," aligning with the earlier usage in the essay.
"just over 60000" -> "approximately 60,000"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal and precise than "just over," which is somewhat colloquial and vague.
"decreased slightly in 2008" -> "decreased marginally in 2008"
Explanation: "Marginally" is a more precise term than "slightly," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.
"there was a decrease by approximately 10000 workers in farming career" -> "there was a reduction of approximately 10,000 workers in the farming industry"
Explanation: "Reduction" is a more formal term than "decrease," and "industry" is used consistently throughout the essay to maintain terminology consistency.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the chart, including the highest and lowest employment sectors and the general trends in employment. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the number of workers in the computer sector rose from 50000 to 70000, but the chart shows that the number rose from 50000 to 60000.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details about the changes in employment in each sector. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends in employment. For example, instead of saying "increased slightly," the essay could say "increased by 5%."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the details of each sector. However, while it arranges information logically, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and there are instances where referencing could be clearer. For example, the transition phrases could be more varied, and some sentences lack smooth connections, which affects the overall flow. Additionally, while the essay uses paragraphs, the organization within them could be improved to enhance clarity.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas. This includes varying transition phrases and ensuring that references to previous points are clear and effective. Improving paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logically follows from the previous one would also help. Finally, providing more detailed comparisons and contrasts between the data points could enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it conveys the main ideas and comparisons between the years and sectors, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, lacking sophistication. There are noticeable errors in word choice and phrasing, such as "the quantity of people who worked in nursing just increased by half as computer," which can cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, there are issues with word formation, such as "farming career," which is not a standard expression. Overall, while the essay communicates the essential information, it does so with limited lexical variety and control.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items relevant to the topic. Incorporating synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition. Additionally, focusing on correct word forms and collocations will improve clarity and precision. For instance, using phrases like "the agricultural sector" instead of "farming career" would demonstrate a better command of vocabulary. Lastly, proofreading for spelling and grammatical accuracy can help eliminate errors that impede communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors, they do not significantly hinder communication. For instance, phrases like "the total was 170000 people" could be more clearly articulated, and there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the quantity of people who worked in nursing just increased by half as computer." Overall, the essay maintains a clear structure and conveys the intended information, but the errors and occasional lack of precision in language usage prevent it from achieving a higher score.

How to improve: To improve the score, the writer should focus on increasing the variety and complexity of sentence structures while ensuring grammatical accuracy. Additionally, refining awkward phrases for clarity and coherence will enhance the overall quality of the writing. Practicing more complex sentence forms and reviewing grammatical rules can also help reduce errors and improve punctuation usage.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given chart illustrates the number of employees in five types of occupations in a region of Australia between 2001 and 2008.

Overall, in both 2001 and 2008, the sales sector employed the largest number of people, while farming had the smallest workforce. There were minor changes in the number of employees in the other industries between 2001 and 2008.

Looking first at the sales industry, the number of people employed in this sector was approximately 150,000 in 2001, and by 2008, it had increased by 20,000, bringing the total to 170,000. In the computer sector, the workforce rose from 50,000 to 70,000, while the number of nursing professionals increased by half as much as that in the computer sector, from 50,000 to 60,000.

Turning to the accounting sector, the number of employees in this field was just over 60,000 in 2001 and decreased slightly by 2008. Additionally, there was a decline of approximately 10,000 workers in the farming sector, with the number falling from nearly 30,000 to 20,000.