Task 1: The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000.

The bar charts given illustrate the proportion of two gender aged 60 to 64 who were worked in Belgium , USA, Japan and Indonesia between 1970 and 2000.
Overall, there was a decline in people aged 60-64 were employed in all four countries, with the most dramatic decrease being seen in Belgium. In addition, USA had the highest figure throughout the period.
The number of two gender working in USA started at 86 person in males and 78 person in females in 1970, after which it experienced a drop to 78 and 45 individual in 2000. Similarly, but to lesser extent, the figure for employee in Indonesia was at 84 and 54 person, followed by a significant decrease to 74 mens and 50 women.
132 residents were working in Japan, with a subsequent slight fell to 110 people in 2000. The similar trends, but to greater extent , the figure for individual who were employed droped considerably from 79 mens to 52 mens , from 63 women to 8 women respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"two gender" -> "both genders"
Explanation: "Two gender" is an awkward and incorrect phrase. "Both genders" is a more precise and appropriate term to refer to males and females collectively.
"aged 60 to 64 who were worked" -> "aged 60 to 64 who were employed"
Explanation: "Who were worked" is grammatically incorrect. "Employed" is a more accurate and formal term to describe individuals who have jobs.
"there was a decline in people aged 60-64 were employed" -> "there was a decline in the employment of individuals aged 60-64"
Explanation: The original phrasing is convoluted. Simplifying to "there was a decline in the employment of individuals aged 60-64" maintains clarity and conciseness.
"the most dramatic decrease being seen" -> "the most significant decrease observed"
Explanation: "Being seen" is passive and less formal. "Observed" is a more active and appropriate term in academic or formal contexts.
"two gender working" -> "individuals of both genders working"
Explanation: "Two gender working" is grammatically incorrect. Using "individuals of both genders working" clarifies the subject and improves readability.
"person in males" -> "individuals among males"
Explanation: "Person in males" is awkward. "Individuals among males" is a clearer and more precise way to express the data.
"individual in females" -> "individuals among females"
Explanation: Similar to the previous correction, "individual in females" should be replaced with "individuals among females" for clarity and correctness.
"but to lesser extent" -> "but to a lesser extent"
Explanation: Adding "a" before "lesser extent" improves the grammatical correctness of the phrase.
"employee in Indonesia" -> "employment in Indonesia"
Explanation: "Employee in Indonesia" does not accurately represent the data. "Employment in Indonesia" is a more suitable phrase.
"significant decrease to 74 mens and 50 women" -> "significant decrease to 74 men and 50 women"
Explanation: "74 mens" is grammatically incorrect. "Men" is the correct plural form of "man."
"132 residents were working in Japan" -> "132 individuals were employed in Japan"
Explanation: "Residents were working in Japan" is ambiguous. Clarifying with "132 individuals were employed in Japan" specifies the data.
"with a subsequent slight fell" -> "with a subsequent slight fall"
Explanation: "Fell" should be replaced with "fall" to maintain grammatical accuracy.
"the similar trends, but to greater extent" -> "similar trends, but to a greater extent"
Explanation: Adding "a" before "greater extent" improves the grammatical correctness of the phrase.
"individual who were employed droped" -> "individuals who were employed dropped"
Explanation: "Individual who were employed droped" contains a spelling error and incorrect verb form. "Individuals who were employed dropped" is the corrected form.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

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Band Score: 4.0
Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task by describing the data presented in the graphs. It provides an overview of the trends in employment for men and women aged 60-64 in four countries over a 30-year period. However, there are several issues that prevent it from scoring higher. The essay lacks coherence and clarity due to grammatical errors, inaccurate information, and confusing sentence structures. Additionally, some key details are missing or misrepresented, such as the specific years mentioned in the data. Overall, while the essay addresses the task to some extent, it falls short in effectively conveying the information.
How to improve: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy and clarity of expression. Provide specific and accurate data from the graphs, including exact figures and years. Structure sentences and paragraphs more logically to enhance coherence and readability. Avoid repetition and irrelevant details, and ensure that all information presented directly relates to the task at hand. Consider revising the essay for accuracy and coherence before submission.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay presents some organization with an introduction and clear overview, but there is a lack of overall progression in the body paragraphs. The essay attempts to use cohesive devices, but there are inaccuracies and overuse of some terms. The referencing is inadequate, leading to repetitive expressions. Paragraphing is attempted but lacks logical structure and coherence.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on organizing ideas more clearly with a logical progression throughout the essay. Ensure the appropriate use of cohesive devices, avoiding inaccuracies and overuse. Work on referencing and substitution to avoid repetitive language. Develop a clearer structure for paragraphs to enhance overall coherence. Additionally, pay attention to grammatical accuracy for better clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempts at using a range of vocabulary, but it falls short of being adequate for the task. While there are instances of varied word choices, such as "proportion," "dramatic decrease," and "significant decrease," the vocabulary remains basic overall. There is repetition in phrases like "aged 60-64" and "two gender," and inappropriate word choices like "two gender" instead of "both genders." The essay also lacks clarity and coherence due to

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation:
The essay attempts to use a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, indicative of an effort to achieve variety in grammatical construction. However, the essay is marred by frequent grammatical errors and inaccurate use of verb tenses ("were worked" instead of "were employed", "was at 84 and 54 person" instead of "stood at 84 men and 54 women"), inappropriate use of nouns ("132 residents were working" rather than "132 residents were employed"), and faulty punctuation usage, which can occasionally make comprehension challenging. The errors, particularly with verb forms and agreement, suggest a limited control over complex structures, causing some difficulty for the reader. The repeated incorrect use of plurals and singular forms ("person" instead of "people", "mens" instead of "men") further detracts from the grammatical accuracy.

How to Improve:

Focus on Verb Tenses and Forms: Carefully review and practice the correct use of verb tenses, particularly in complex sentences. For example, use "were employed" instead of "were worked".
Accuracy in Pluralization: Pay attention to singular and plural noun forms to ensure proper agreement. "Men" is already plural, and does not need an ‘s’ at the end.
Punctuation and Sentence Structure: Work on the correct use of commas and other punctuation marks to clarify meaning and improve the flow of sentences.
Complex Sentence Practice: Regularly practice writing sentences that involve subordination (using clauses effectively) to improve the ability to convey more nuanced information and relationships between ideas.
Proofreading: Develop a habit of reviewing written work to identify and correct grammatical mistakes. This can also help in internalizing correct grammar usage over time.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar charts illustrate the employment rates of individuals aged 60 to 64, categorized by gender, in Belgium, the USA, Japan, and Indonesia during the years 1970 and 2000.

Overall, there was a noticeable decline in the employment of individuals aged 60-64 across all four countries over the specified period, with Belgium experiencing the most significant decrease. Additionally, the USA consistently maintained the highest employment figures throughout the given timeframe.

In 1970, the number of employed individuals in the USA stood at 86 males and 78 females, which decreased to 78 males and 45 females by 2000. Similarly, in Indonesia, the figures were 84 males and 54 females in 1970, which dropped to 74 males and 50 females by 2000.

In Japan, there were 132 individuals employed in 1970, which slightly declined to 110 by 2000. Conversely, the employment figures in Japan witnessed a more pronounced decrease, with the number of employed males falling from 79 to 52, and females from 63 to 8 over the same period.

Overall, the data depicts a consistent decline in employment rates among individuals aged 60-64 in the four countries between 1970 and 2000, with varying degrees of decline observed across genders and nations.