Task 1: The table shows the average annual income of people working in different sectors in 2004 , and the change from 2003. The pie chart shows the distribution of graduates in the different sectors.

The given table illustrates the average salary yearly among employees working in different sectors in 2004 and compares the change in terms of percentage in 2003. The chart gives information about the graduates being distributed into some employment sectors.
In general, all of the examined sectors experienced an upward trend between 2003 and 2004, which the agriculture sector ranked at the bottom position in both average annual salary in 2004 and the percentage change compared to the previous year. In addition, the majority of graduates worked in the public service sector, whereas finance was the least favoured sector for working among employees.
Regarding the average salary yearly, the public services took the first position in the annual salary in 2004 at 92,000. Meanwhile, this was followed by the yearly average salary of finance, transportation and wholesale and retail trade, which was at 83,000, 81,000 and 77,000 in 2004, respectively. The employees working in manufacturing and agriculture received the significantly lowest annual salary in comparison to the other sectors, at 52,000 for the manufacturing and 40,000 for agriculture. Considering the percentage of change in yearly average salary between 2003 and 2004, the wholesale and retail trade was the highest, at 8.4 percent, which far exceeded the other examined sectors, followed by the transportation, manufacturing and public services, at 4.5 percent, 4 percent and 3.7 percent, respectively. The proportion of change in finance was at 2.9 percent compared to only the lowest rate of average salary in agriculture, at 2.31 percent.
In terms of the rate of distribution of graduates among different sectors, a diversity trend was noted. 30 percent of the employees chose to work in the public services while 25 percent of those working in agriculture and 20 percent in manufacturing. The employees working in transportation and the wholesale and retails trade were at the same rate, at 10 percent, whereas only 5 percent of people were distributed to work in agriculture.

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Errors and Improvements:

"In general, all of the examined sectors experienced an upward trend" -> "Overall, all the sectors under examination exhibited an upward trend"
Explanation: "In general" is a common phrase, but "Overall" provides a more formal and precise expression. "Experienced" is replaced with "exhibited" for a more sophisticated tone. "Sectors" is more precise than "areas."
"which the agriculture sector ranked at the bottom position" -> "with the agriculture sector ranking at the lowest position"
Explanation: "Which" is a bit ambiguous here; replacing it with "with" clarifies the relationship between the preceding and following clauses. "Ranked at the bottom position" is replaced with "ranking at the lowest position" for conciseness and clarity.
"regarding the average salary yearly" -> "concerning the annual average salary"
Explanation: "Regarding" is a common phrase, but "concerning" adds a more formal tone. "Average salary yearly" is rearranged to "annual average salary" for better flow and clarity.
"this was followed by the yearly average salary of finance" -> "this was followed by the annual average salary in finance"
Explanation: "Yearly average salary of finance" is slightly awkward; replacing it with "annual average salary in finance" maintains clarity and formality.
"significantly lowest annual salary" -> "the significantly lowest annual salaries"
Explanation: "Significantly lowest annual salary" should be plural to match the plural subject "salaries."
"at 52,000 for the manufacturing and 40,000 for agriculture" -> "at 52,000 for manufacturing and 40,000 for agriculture"
Explanation: Remove "the" before "manufacturing" to maintain parallel structure with "agriculture."
"Considering the percentage of change in yearly average salary" -> "Regarding the percentage change in annual average salary"
Explanation: "Considering" is replaced with "Regarding" for a more formal tone. "Yearly average salary" is changed to "annual average salary" for conciseness.
"far exceeded" -> "considerably exceeded"
Explanation: "Far exceeded" is slightly informal; "considerably exceeded" maintains formality while providing a nuanced alternative.
"proportion of change" -> "percentage change"
Explanation: "Proportion of change" is less precise than "percentage change" when discussing differences in numerical values.
"at 2.9 percent compared to only the lowest rate" -> "at 2.9 percent, compared to the lowest rate"
Explanation: Rearrange the phrase for clarity and flow.
"In terms of the rate of distribution of graduates among different sectors" -> "Regarding the distribution rate of graduates across various sectors"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase for clarity and formality.
"30 percent of the employees chose to work" -> "30 percent of employees opted to work"
Explanation: Removing "the" before "employees" for smoother flow.
"wholesale and retails trade" -> "wholesale and retail trade"
Explanation: "Retails" should be "retail" for proper noun-verb agreement.
"only 5 percent of people were distributed to work" -> "only 5 percent of individuals were distributed for work"
Explanation: "People" is replaced with "individuals" for a more formal tone. "To work" is changed to "for work" for clarity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by presenting clear overviews of the main trends in both the average annual income of different sectors and the distribution of graduates. It effectively highlights key features such as the highest and lowest salaries, percentage changes, and the proportion of graduates in each sector.
How to improve: To improve further, consider providing more specific data points or comparisons within each sector and ensuring a smoother transition between paragraphs for better coherence.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes information and ideas, providing a clear progression throughout. Each paragraph is focused on a central topic, discussing either the sectors’ average annual incomes or the distribution of graduates. Cohesive devices are used appropriately to connect ideas, though there are minor instances of overuse or repetition. Paragraphing is sufficient and appropriate, with each paragraph addressing a distinct aspect of the data provided.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider varying sentence structures to avoid repetitive phrasing. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used judiciously and do not distract from the flow of the essay. Finally, double-check referencing and substitution to ensure clarity and accuracy in maintaining coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to convey ideas with flexibility and precision. It utilizes less common lexical items effectively, such as "upward trend," "significantly," and "proportion," showcasing some awareness of style and collocation. There are occasional errors in word choice and word formation, such as "transportation and wholesale and retail trade," which could be streamlined for clarity. However, these errors do not significantly hinder communication.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, focus on using more varied and precise vocabulary consistently throughout the essay. Pay attention to word choice and ensure that less common lexical items are used accurately and appropriately. Additionally, strive for clearer expression by avoiding redundant or overly complex phrases. Finally, proofreading for minor errors in word choice and formation can enhance the overall clarity and sophistication of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical range and accuracy. There is a variety of complex structures used throughout the essay, such as subordinate clauses and compound sentences. The majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few minor errors present, which do not significantly hinder communication.

How to improve:
To improve to a higher band score, focus on eliminating the few minor errors present in the essay. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and punctuation. Additionally, strive for even greater variety in sentence structures to further enhance flexibility and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided data depicts the average annual income of workers across various sectors in 2004 alongside the percentage change from the preceding year, 2003. Additionally, the pie chart illustrates the distribution of graduates among these sectors.

Overall, all sectors experienced an upward trend from 2003 to 2004, with agriculture consistently occupying the lowest position in both average annual income and percentage change. The public services sector garnered the highest proportion of graduates, while finance remained the least popular choice among employees.

In terms of average annual income, public services led with a yearly salary of $92,000 in 2004, followed by finance, transportation, and wholesale and retail trade, earning $83,000, $81,000, and $77,000 respectively. Conversely, workers in manufacturing and agriculture received notably lower salaries, standing at $52,000 and $40,000 respectively.

Analyzing the percentage change in annual income between 2003 and 2004, wholesale and retail trade exhibited the highest increase at 8.4%, outstripping other sectors. Following closely were transportation, manufacturing, and public services, with growth rates of 4.5%, 4%, and 3.7% respectively. Finance experienced a modest increase of 2.9%, while agriculture saw the lowest growth at 2.31%.

Regarding the distribution of graduates among sectors, a diverse trend was observed. Public services attracted 30% of employees, while agriculture and manufacturing drew 25% and 20% respectively. Transportation and wholesale and retail trade had equal shares of 10%, with only 5% of individuals opting for agriculture.