Task 2. Government should ban dangerous sports, others think they have the freedom to choose. Discuss both views and give your comments.

In the comtemporary era, some people opine that extreme sports should be prohibited, while others argue the participants are legal to possess autonomous choice. However, both notions are partly justifiable, based on the fatal traumas during practice that extreme sports lay on the joiners and the potential talents generated for the country competitions resulted from such freedom.
To begin with, it is widely acknowledged that dangerous sports might be restricted by the authority due to the fatal consequences and their long-term repercussions to society burden. Chief among these is the participants involving in the hazardous sport games may have the higher risks of contracting mortal injuries. This is because such sport category, including bungee jumping, rock climbing and high attitude skateboarding often requires professional training and highly secured equipment, which is more challenged than other sport fields and for ordinary people. Without the rigorous instructions and fully equipped gadgets, the players might contract more fatal injuries, even though the anticipation has been made in advance. Consequently, they can be permanently disable, which devastate their later career and thus lowering income level as less companies recruit the disable.
Another downside is that long lasting disability could pose the higher burden to society and individuals, as the result of intensive care and payment. Once the participants have permanent injuries from dangerous sport accidents, they are inevitable to commit high-cost payment as a part of needed treatment, in company with insurance financial offers. If this occurs in the long run, it would impair the national economy overall and the players themselves by extracting more budget to cover the colossal fees for wound care.
However, it is understandable to acknowledge the legality of sport free choice, mainly residing in the potential talents regrading sport sector that are discovered from this autonomy. To be more specific, the freedom in optioning the favorable, based on appropriate strength and time optimization in the early age, could gradually develop the skills and tactics specifically required for professional competitions in the future. Thereby, through the low-scale sport contests, the prospected candidates could be selected and positioned in the champion groups. For example, a report published by the Time magazine in 2012 revealed that New York volleyball championship had recruited more than eight thousand candidates for the global competition, 80 percent of whom confessed that they had had freedom in choosing this sport attributing the government motivation.
To recapitulate, it is justifiable to recognize the prohibition to dangerous sports as they pose the threat to individuals health and thus the national economy by covering more finance for post-trauma treatment. However, having autonomy in selecting suitable sport could enhance the talent seeking process. Nevertheless, there should be an agreement in securing the safety of players, at the same time, encouraging their participation even in the more hazardous sport field.

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Errors and Improvements:

"comtemporary" -> "contemporary"
Explanation: "Contemporary" is the correct spelling of the word, reflecting the current time period, and is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"opine" -> "argue" or "contend"
Explanation: "Opine" is less formal and more uncommon in academic writing. "Argue" or "contend" better convey the idea of presenting a viewpoint in a formal context.
"legal to possess autonomous choice" -> "entitled to autonomous decision-making"
Explanation: "Legal to possess autonomous choice" is awkward and overly verbose. "Entitled to autonomous decision-making" is more concise and academically appropriate.
"notions are partly justifiable" -> "arguments have some validity"
Explanation: "Notions" is somewhat informal; "arguments" is a more precise term for academic writing. "Partly justifiable" is vague; "have some validity" is clearer and more formal.
"lay on the joiners" -> "impose on the participants"
Explanation: "Lay on the joiners" is informal and unclear. "Impose on the participants" is more formal and directly conveys the idea of placing burdens or responsibilities on them.
"the fatal traumas" -> "serious injuries"
Explanation: "Fatal traumas" is redundant; "trauma" already implies severity. "Serious injuries" is a clearer and more concise alternative.
"long-term repercussions to society burden" -> "long-term societal burdens"
Explanation: "Repercussions to society burden" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Long-term societal burdens" is more concise and grammatically correct.
"Chief among these is the participants involving in the hazardous sport games may have the higher risks of contracting mortal injuries." -> "Foremost among these risks is the higher likelihood of participants in hazardous sports sustaining mortal injuries."
Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative presents the idea more directly and concisely.
"more challenged than other sport fields and for ordinary people" -> "more demanding than other sports and for the average individual"
Explanation: "More challenged than other sport fields" is awkward and unclear. "More demanding than other sports" is simpler and clearer. "For ordinary people" can be replaced with "for the average individual" for a more formal tone.
"Without the rigorous instructions and fully equipped gadgets" -> "Without proper guidance and adequate equipment"
Explanation: "Rigorous instructions and fully equipped gadgets" is informal and colloquial. "Proper guidance and adequate equipment" is more formal and precise.
"contract more fatal injuries" -> "sustain more fatal injuries"
Explanation: "Contract" is not the appropriate verb to use in this context. "Sustain" is more accurate and formal.
"permanently disable" -> "permanently disabled"
Explanation: "Permanently disable" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "permanently disabled" to match the passive voice construction.
"devastate their later career" -> "derail their future careers"
Explanation: "Devastate their later career" is less precise and more informal. "Derail their future careers" is more concise and formal.
"less companies" -> "fewer companies"
Explanation: "Less companies" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "fewer companies" because "companies" is countable.
"poss the higher burden to society and individuals" -> "pose a greater burden on society and individuals"
Explanation: "Poss the higher burden" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Pose a greater burden on society and individuals" is clearer and more formal.
"as the result of intensive care and payment" -> "due to the need for intensive care and financial support"
Explanation: "As the result of intensive care and payment" is unclear and awkward. "Due to the need for intensive care and financial support" is more explicit and formal.
"inevitable to commit high-cost payment" -> "inevitably require high-cost medical expenses"
Explanation: "Inevitable to commit high-cost payment" is unclear and awkward. "Inevitably require high-cost medical expenses" is clearer and more formal.
"company with insurance financial offers" -> "alongside insurance coverage"
Explanation: "Company with insurance financial offers" is unclear and awkward. "Alongside insurance coverage" is more concise and formal.
"national economy overall" -> "overall national economy"
Explanation: "National economy overall" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "overall national economy" for proper adjective order.
"prospected candidates" -> "prospective candidates"
Explanation: "Prospected candidates" is incorrect; it should be "prospective candidates" to denote potential or future candidates.
"global competition, 80 percent of whom confessed" -> "global competition; 80 percent of whom admitted"
Explanation: "Confessed" is overly dramatic in this context. "Admitted" is a more neutral and appropriate term for acknowledging participation.
"having autonomy in selecting suitable sport" -> "exercising autonomy in selecting appropriate sports"
Explanation: "Having autonomy in selecting suitable sport" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Exercising autonomy in selecting appropriate sports" is clearer and more formal.
"there should be an agreement in securing the safety of players" -> "there should be consensus on ensuring the safety of players"
Explanation: "There should be an agreement in securing the safety of players" is awkward and unclear. "There should be consensus on ensuring the safety of players" is more concise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both perspectives of the prompt, discussing the arguments for and against banning dangerous sports, as well as acknowledging the freedom of choice for individuals. It examines the potential risks of dangerous sports and the economic burden they may impose on society, while also recognizing the value of autonomy in sport selection for talent development.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure that each viewpoint is explored in more depth. Provide specific examples or evidence to support each perspective, and consider discussing potential counterarguments to further demonstrate a thorough understanding of the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a neutral stance throughout, presenting arguments for both sides of the issue without explicitly favoring one over the other. It effectively presents the arguments for banning dangerous sports due to their risks and economic implications, as well as the benefits of individual freedom in sport choice for talent development.
- How to improve: While neutrality can be effective in some cases, consider taking a more decisive stance to strengthen the essay’s overall clarity and coherence. If the author leans towards one perspective, it should be clearly articulated and consistently supported throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the risks and benefits of dangerous sports, supported by examples such as bungee jumping and rock climbing. However, some arguments lack elaboration or specificity, such as the discussion on economic burdens and talent development. The example of the New York volleyball championship adds some support but could be further developed.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, provide more detailed explanations and concrete examples for each argument. Elaborate on the economic implications of dangerous sports and provide additional evidence or case studies to illustrate the potential benefits of individual sport choice for talent development.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the arguments for and against banning dangerous sports, as well as the freedom of choice in sport selection. However, some sections could be more focused, such as the discussion on economic burdens, which occasionally veers off-topic.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the central theme of the essay. Avoid tangential discussions or excessive detail that detracts from the main argument. Additionally, clearly transition between ideas to maintain coherence and relevance.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It starts with an introduction presenting both views, followed by paragraphs discussing the reasons supporting each viewpoint. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be smoother. For instance, the transition between discussing the drawbacks of dangerous sports and the benefits of allowing them could be more seamless.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a clear transition between ideas. Utilize cohesive devices such as transitional phrases to smoothly guide the reader from one point to the next. For instance, in the transition from discussing the risks of dangerous sports to the benefits of autonomy in sport choice, you could use phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" to signal the shift in focus.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different points, which is essential for readability and clarity. However, some paragraphs could be further developed or divided to improve coherence. For instance, the paragraph discussing the risks of dangerous sports could be divided into two paragraphs: one focusing on the physical risks and another on the economic consequences.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports it with relevant examples or explanations. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to maintain focus and coherence. For example, in the paragraph discussing the risks of dangerous sports, you could dedicate one paragraph to discussing physical risks and another to discussing economic consequences, providing more detailed examples and analysis for each aspect.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "however," "to begin with," "to recapitulate"), to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices used.
- How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices to create stronger connections between ideas and paragraphs. Consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), synonyms, and parallel structures, to enhance coherence. For example, instead of repeating "dangerous sports" multiple times, you could use pronouns like "these sports" or "such activities" to maintain cohesion while avoiding redundancy. Additionally, use parallel structures to create a balanced and cohesive flow of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "opine," "prohibited," "autonomous choice," "traumas," "repercussions," "rigorous," "disable," "devastate," "intensive care," "national economy," "autonomy," "prospected," "champion groups," and "recapitulate." However, some of the vocabulary usage lacks precision and sophistication, limiting the effectiveness of conveying ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, consider incorporating more varied and precise vocabulary. Instead of repeatedly using phrases like "dangerous sports" or "fatal injuries," explore synonyms or specific terms related to extreme sports and their associated risks. Additionally, strive for greater diversity in word choice to enrich the expression of ideas and concepts throughout the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary with precision, such as "fatal traumas," "permanently disable," and "high-cost payment." However, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, like "long lasting disability" (which could be replaced with "permanent disability") and "high attitude skateboarding" (likely meant to be "high-altitude skateboarding"). These inaccuracies slightly diminish the clarity and impact of the essay.
- How to improve: Aim for more precise and accurate word choices to effectively convey your intended meanings. Review and revise your essay carefully, ensuring that each term is used appropriately and accurately reflects the ideas you want to convey. Consider consulting a thesaurus or subject-specific vocabulary lists to expand your repertoire of precise vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mix of correct and incorrect spellings. While some words are spelled accurately, such as "authority," "participants," and "competition," there are several instances of spelling errors throughout the essay. Examples include "comtemporary" (contemporary), "traumas" (trauma), "attitude" (altitude), "joiners" (participants), "repercussions" (repercussion), "rigorous" (rigorous), and "prospected" (prospective). These errors detract from the overall professionalism and clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar check tools available in word processing software. Additionally, allocate sufficient time for proofreading your essay to identify and correct spelling errors manually. Familiarize yourself with common spelling patterns and practice spelling words correctly to improve accuracy over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is evidence of attempts to vary sentence structures, such as the use of introductory phrases and relative clauses. However, the variety is somewhat limited, with some repetitive structures present throughout the essay. For instance, there is a tendency to start sentences with "To begin with" and "Another downside" which could be diversified for better flow and coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating a broader range of sentence types, such as interrogative, imperative, and conditional sentences. Additionally, try to avoid repetitive sentence beginnings and vary the length and complexity of sentences for better readability and engagement.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, with few major errors. However, there are several grammatical and punctuation issues that affect clarity and coherence. For example, there are instances of subject-verb agreement errors (e.g., "the participants involving" should be "the participants involved"), articles are sometimes omitted or used incorrectly (e.g., "the participants are inevitable to commit high-cost payment" should be "the participants are inevitably committed to high-cost payments"), and punctuation errors (e.g., missing commas in compound sentences, inconsistent capitalization).
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is important to review and revise sentence structures for subject-verb agreement, correct article usage, and proper punctuation. Utilize proofreading techniques to identify and correct errors systematically. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify recurring grammatical issues and focus on addressing them systematically. A thorough understanding of English grammar rules and consistent practice will also contribute to improved accuracy over time.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, there is a debate about whether extreme sports should be banned by the government or if individuals should be entitled to autonomous decision-making regarding their participation. Both arguments have some validity, considering the risks of serious injuries associated with these sports and the potential for discovering talent that can benefit national competitions.

Foremost among these risks is the higher likelihood of participants in hazardous sports sustaining mortal injuries. These sports, such as bungee jumping, rock climbing, and high-altitude skateboarding, demand professional training and secure equipment, making them more demanding than other sports for the average individual. Without proper guidance and adequate equipment, participants may sustain more fatal injuries, potentially leading to permanent disabilities that could derail their future careers. This not only affects the individuals but also imposes long-term societal burdens, as fewer companies may hire permanently disabled individuals.

Moreover, the aftermath of serious injuries from dangerous sports can pose a greater burden on society and individuals due to the need for intensive care and financial support. High-cost medical expenses, alongside insurance coverage, inevitably strain both the overall national economy and the affected individuals. The long-term financial implications of such injuries can be detrimental, affecting not only the injured individuals but also their families and communities.

On the other hand, it is important to recognize the value of autonomy in selecting appropriate sports. This freedom allows individuals to discover and develop their talents, potentially leading to success in professional competitions. For instance, a study cited by Time magazine in 2012 found that 80 percent of prospective candidates for the New York volleyball championship attributed their choice of sport to their own motivation rather than government influence. This suggests that exercising autonomy in selecting sports can contribute to talent development and success in competitions.

In conclusion, while there are valid arguments for both banning dangerous sports and allowing individuals to choose, there should be consensus on ensuring the safety of players. It is essential to weigh the risks associated with these sports against the potential benefits, including talent development and individual autonomy. Ultimately, measures should be in place to mitigate risks and promote safe participation in all sports, regardless of their level of danger.