TASK 2: It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behavior in addition to providing formal education. Do you agree or disagree?
TASK 2: It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behavior in addition to providing formal education. Do you agree or disagree?
Some people hold a belief that schools should be responsible for students’ behavior besides their academic knowledge. However, from my perspective, I partly agree with this point of view because of several reasons.
On the one hand, some people argue that schools should be in charge of educating the right attitude for students. In reality, schools still play a crucial role in aligning children's behavior when they are in class where there is almost no control or observation from their parents. For example, students may inevitably have several disagreements or even conflicts during teamworking about ideas or methods. In some cases, such opinion disagreements may trigger fights, which will cause injuries in both physical and mental aspects. Therefore, if schools do not intervene and give reasonable and suitable solutions, more detrimental and long-lasting consequences might explode in the future.
On the other hand, I partly think educating good behavior for students should not be a burden on schools’ shoulders. Since schools have an enormous role in teaching formal knowledge, they have to spend a plethora of time gaining new essential teaching materials as well as preparing curriculum for the following lessons, rendering the fact that they will not have enough time to carefully align their students' attitude, especially when such teachers have to manage a lot of students. Instead, parents, who closely follow and give instructions to their children, should be responsible for educating right behavior to them.
In conclusion, I partly agree that it is necessary for schools to teach children good behaviors on account of the little amount of time for teachers to pay attention to so many students, resulting in unqualified results. However, I believe the combination of educating environments and education from school and family will be the best way to help children become well-behaved.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Some people hold a belief" -> "Some individuals believe"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal and precise than "people," and "believe" is a more direct verb choice than "hold a belief," which can sound somewhat passive and less direct in academic writing. -
"besides their academic knowledge" -> "in addition to their academic knowledge"
Explanation: "In addition to" is a more precise and formal way to indicate that something is supplementary to another aspect, enhancing the academic tone. -
"partly agree" -> "partially agree"
Explanation: "Partially" is a more formal synonym for "partly," which is more commonly used in academic contexts to express partial agreement. -
"several reasons" -> "several reasons"
Explanation: This is a redundant phrase. Removing "reasons" after "several" corrects the redundancy and maintains the formal tone. -
"some people argue" -> "some argue"
Explanation: Removing "people" simplifies the phrase and aligns better with academic style, which often uses impersonal constructions to generalize opinions. -
"In reality" -> "In fact"
Explanation: "In fact" is a more formal and academically appropriate transition phrase compared to "in reality," which can sound slightly colloquial. -
"almost no control or observation" -> "little control or observation"
Explanation: "Little" is a more precise and formal term than "almost no," which can be vague and informal in academic writing. -
"inevitably have" -> "inevitably encounter"
Explanation: "Encounter" is more specific and appropriate in this context, suggesting a meeting or experience with conflicts, rather than the more general "have." -
"such opinion disagreements" -> "such disagreements"
Explanation: Removing "opinion" clarifies that the term "disagreements" refers to the conflicts themselves, not just opinions about them. -
"will cause injuries in both physical and mental aspects" -> "may cause physical and mental harm"
Explanation: "May cause physical and mental harm" is more precise and formal, avoiding the vague and somewhat informal "injuries in both physical and mental aspects." -
"more detrimental and long-lasting consequences might explode" -> "more severe and long-term consequences may arise"
Explanation: "Severe and long-term" are more precise and formal terms than "detrimental and long-lasting," and "may arise" is a more appropriate modal verb choice than "might explode," which is metaphorically incorrect and informal. -
"I partly think" -> "I partially believe"
Explanation: "Partially believe" is a more formal expression than "partly think," aligning better with academic style. -
"should not be a burden on schools’ shoulders" -> "should not be solely the responsibility of schools"
Explanation: "Should not be solely the responsibility of schools" is more precise and formal, avoiding the colloquial "on schools’ shoulders." -
"plethora of time" -> "abundance of time"
Explanation: "Abundance" is a more formal synonym for "plethora," which can sound slightly informal in academic writing. -
"unqualified results" -> "unsatisfactory outcomes"
Explanation: "Unsatisfactory outcomes" is a more precise and formal term than "unqualified results," which is vague and less appropriate in this context. -
"educating environments" -> "educational environments"
Explanation: "Educational environments" is a more specific and formal term than "educating environments," which is awkward and unclear. -
"unqualified results" -> "unsatisfactory outcomes"
Explanation: This is a repetition of the earlier correction, ensuring consistency in terminology throughout the essay.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding whether schools should teach good behavior alongside formal education. The writer clearly states a partial agreement, which is a nuanced position. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint. While the argument for schools’ responsibilities is presented, the counterargument regarding parental responsibility is less developed, which may leave some aspects of the question inadequately addressed.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both sides of the argument are equally explored. This could involve providing more detailed examples or evidence for the opposing view, perhaps discussing how parental involvement can complement school efforts in teaching behavior.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position of partial agreement throughout, which is commendable. The writer effectively communicates their stance in the introduction and conclusion. However, phrases like "partly agree" could be clearer if the writer explicitly stated what aspects they agree with and what they disagree with. This would strengthen the clarity of the position.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should explicitly outline their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Using phrases like "I fully support the idea that…" or "I disagree with the notion that…" could help clarify their stance on specific points.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas and supports them with examples, such as the potential for conflicts among students if behavior is not managed. However, the development of ideas could be more robust. For instance, the argument about the burden on schools could be expanded with specific examples of how this impacts the educational process or student outcomes.
- How to improve: To enhance the support for ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. This could involve discussing specific programs or strategies that schools could implement to teach behavior effectively or citing research that supports the importance of behavior education.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the responsibilities of schools versus parents. However, there are moments where the argument could be more tightly focused. For example, the discussion about the time constraints faced by teachers could be more directly linked to how this affects their ability to teach behavior, rather than just stating it as a fact.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question. This can be achieved by consistently linking arguments back to the prompt and avoiding tangential statements that do not contribute to the overall argument.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task with clear arguments and examples. By refining the exploration of both sides of the argument, enhancing the clarity of the position, providing more detailed support for ideas, and maintaining tighter focus, the writer can improve their score in the Task Response criteria.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The first body paragraph effectively discusses the role of schools in managing student behavior, while the second body paragraph presents a counterargument regarding the limitations of schools in this role. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from the importance of school intervention to the argument for parental responsibility feels somewhat abrupt. For example, the phrase "On the other hand" could be enhanced by a brief summary of the previous point to create a more cohesive transition.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that summarize the previous point before introducing the counterargument. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph clearly relates back to the thesis statement will strengthen the overall coherence.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by examples. However, the conclusion could be more distinct from the body paragraphs. Currently, it reiterates points made earlier without synthesizing them into a final thought or broader implication.
- How to improve: Ensure that the conclusion not only summarizes the main points but also provides a final perspective or call to action. This could involve suggesting specific ways schools and parents can collaborate to foster good behavior, thus giving the conclusion more depth and relevance.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "on the one hand," and "on the other hand," which help to contrast ideas. Nevertheless, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from more varied expressions to connect ideas and paragraphs. For instance, the use of "for example" is effective, but incorporating other devices like "furthermore," "in addition," or "consequently" could enhance the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, practice using a wider range of linking words and phrases. This can be achieved by reading more academic essays and noting how they connect ideas. Additionally, varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more engaging and cohesive writing style.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced argument. By focusing on improving transitions, enhancing the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices, the coherence and cohesion of the essay can be further strengthened, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms like "responsibility," "crucial role," and "detrimental consequences" showcasing some variety. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the use of "students" and "schools," which could be replaced with synonyms or paraphrased to enhance lexical diversity. Phrases like "good behavior" and "formal knowledge" are somewhat basic and could be expressed in more varied ways.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms or related terms to avoid redundancy. For example, instead of repeatedly using "students," terms like "pupils," "learners," or "children" could be used interchangeably. Additionally, exploring more sophisticated vocabulary related to behavior and education, such as "conduct," "ethics," or "moral education," would strengthen the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys its intended meaning, there are moments where vocabulary usage is imprecise. For instance, the phrase "aligning children’s behavior" could be more accurately expressed as "shaping" or "guiding children’s behavior." The term "burden" in "should not be a burden on schools’ shoulders" may also come across as overly informal for an academic essay.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should consider the context and choose words that convey the intended meaning more accurately. For example, instead of "burden," using "responsibility" or "obligation" could better fit the formal tone of the essay. It would also be beneficial to review and replace vague terms with more specific alternatives, ensuring clarity in arguments.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors. The phrase "teamworking" should be corrected to "teamwork," and "right behavior" could be more appropriately phrased as "appropriate behavior." These errors, while not numerous, can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, possibly reading it aloud to catch any mistakes. Utilizing spell-check tools or apps can also help identify errors before submission. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words in academic writing can further enhance spelling proficiency.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex sentences such as "In reality, schools still play a crucial role in aligning children’s behavior when they are in class where there is almost no control or observation from their parents." This shows the ability to convey complex ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way arguments are introduced (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand").
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider varying the introductory phrases and using different ways to present arguments. For example, instead of always using "On the one hand" or "On the other hand," you could use phrases like "Conversely," or "Another perspective is that…" This will enhance the overall flow and engagement of the essay.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, but there are a few errors that detract from clarity. For instance, the phrase "students may inevitably have several disagreements or even conflicts during teamworking about ideas or methods" could be more clearly expressed as "students may inevitably experience disagreements or conflicts while working in teams on ideas or methods." Additionally, punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could improve readability, such as before "especially when such teachers have to manage a lot of students."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on sentence clarity and conciseness. Review complex sentences to ensure they are not overly convoluted. Additionally, practice using punctuation effectively to break up long sentences and clarify meaning. Reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where punctuation could aid in comprehension.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help achieve a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some individuals believe that schools should be responsible for students’ behavior in addition to providing formal education. However, from my perspective, I partially agree with this point of view for several reasons.
On the one hand, some argue that schools should be in charge of instilling the right attitudes in students. In fact, schools play a crucial role in shaping children’s behavior while they are in class, where there is often little control or observation from their parents. For example, students may inevitably encounter disagreements or even conflicts during teamwork regarding ideas or methods. In some cases, such disagreements may escalate into fights, which may cause physical and mental harm. Therefore, if schools do not intervene and provide reasonable and suitable solutions, more severe and long-term consequences may arise in the future.
On the other hand, I partially believe that educating good behavior in students should not be solely the responsibility of schools. Since schools have an abundance of time dedicated to teaching formal knowledge, they must focus on acquiring new essential teaching materials and preparing curricula for upcoming lessons. This often renders them unable to pay adequate attention to aligning their students’ attitudes, especially when teachers must manage a large number of students. Instead, parents, who closely observe and guide their children, should take on the responsibility of teaching appropriate behavior.
In conclusion, I partially agree that it is necessary for schools to teach children good behavior due to the limited time teachers have to focus on so many students, which can lead to unsatisfactory outcomes. However, I believe that a combination of educational environments and guidance from both schools and families will be the best approach to help children become well-behaved.