Task 2: Some people believe that the government should provide old people health care and financial support after retire. Others say individuals should save money to take care their own life. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

It is true that the government should be provided health system and budget es to elderly people.Personally, I completely agree with this view.
On the other hand,there are a variety of reasons why I also believe health services and financial planing is necessitated for former employee.This is because health service can be given better chances to further improve themselves,enabling them to check-ups,testing,and addressing their basic health concerns.Therefore, they are always maintaining health after retirement because of spending a vast time to exhausting energy working.
On the other hand,this propensity can induce noticeable benefits.Chief of these that it positively affected public health.More specifically,as the state budget is spent on building facilities for raising awareness of health holistic in lieu of articles advising people on how to avoid illness.Consequently, many places are offered for the older such as hospital stays,prescription medications to check-ups ,potentially encouraging a sedentary lifestyle in the community and weakening citizens's well-being.For instance,there are significant increase psychological counselling especially designed for the elderly,students,and other prioritize groups,aimed helping them improve their emotional well-being and foster psychological connections.
In conclusion, the government's actions not only build stronger, more connected communities, but also improve rapport between social classes.I contend that it should be encouraged due to the risk these illness pose to retiree.It is advisable that individuals take the appropriate measures to protect their disease health hazard that sick present

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Errors and Improvements:

"should be provided health system and budget es" -> "should provide healthcare systems and allocate budgets"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and uses informal language ("provided"). Replacing it with "should provide healthcare systems and allocate budgets" maintains formality and improves precision.
"I completely agree with this view" -> "I wholeheartedly support this perspective"
Explanation: "Completely agree" is colloquial; "wholeheartedly support" is more formal and aligns better with academic tone.
"health services and financial planing is necessitated" -> "health services and financial planning are necessary"
Explanation: "Necessitated" is less common and overly formal. Simplifying to "necessary" improves clarity and maintains formality.
"chances to further improve themselves" -> "opportunities for further enhancement"
Explanation: "Chances to further improve themselves" is somewhat redundant and lacks precision. "Opportunities for further enhancement" is more concise and academically appropriate.
"enabling them to check-ups, testing, and addressing" -> "enabling them to undergo check-ups, testing, and address"
Explanation: "Enabling them to check-ups, testing, and addressing" lacks grammatical correctness. Replacing it with "enabling them to undergo check-ups, testing, and address" improves clarity and grammatical accuracy.
"always maintaining health after retirement because of spending a vast time to exhausting energy working" -> "maintaining their health post-retirement due to spending extensive time and energy working"
Explanation: The original phrase is convoluted and lacks clarity. Simplifying it improves readability and maintains formality.
"propensity can induce noticeable benefits" -> "tendency can yield significant benefits"
Explanation: "Propensity" is somewhat informal in this context. Replacing it with "tendency" maintains formality while enhancing clarity.
"positively affected public health" -> "positively impacted public health"
Explanation: "Affected" is slightly ambiguous; "impacted" is clearer in this context.
"raising awareness of health holistic" -> "raising awareness of holistic health"
Explanation: "Health holistic" is awkward phrasing. "Holistic health" is a more natural and concise expression.
"many places are offered for the older" -> "numerous facilities are provided for the elderly"
Explanation: "Many places are offered for the older" is grammatically incorrect. Replacing it with "numerous facilities are provided for the elderly" improves clarity and correctness.
"hospital stays, prescription medications to check-ups" -> "hospital stays, prescription medications, and check-ups"
Explanation: The original lacks parallel structure. Adding "and" before "check-ups" maintains parallelism.
"potentially encouraging a sedentary lifestyle in the community and weakening citizens’s well-being" -> "potentially fostering a sedentary lifestyle in the community and compromising citizens’ well-being"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured. Revising it improves clarity and maintains formality.
"there are significant increase psychological counselling" -> "there is a significant increase in psychological counseling"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks correct grammar. Simplifying it improves clarity and correctness.
"especially designed for the elderly, students, and other prioritize groups" -> "specifically designed for the elderly, students, and other priority groups"
Explanation: "Especially designed" is somewhat informal. Replacing it with "specifically designed" maintains formality and precision.
"improve their emotional well-being and foster psychological connections" -> "enhance their emotional well-being and cultivate psychological connections"
Explanation: "Improve" and "foster" are slightly repetitive. Replacing "foster" with "cultivate" improves variety and maintains formality.
"actions not only build stronger, more connected communities" -> "actions not only foster stronger, more connected communities"
Explanation: "Build" is less precise than "foster" in this context. Replacing it improves accuracy.
"improve rapport between social classes" -> "enhance rapport among social classes"
Explanation: "Improve" is less precise than "enhance" in this context. Replacing it improves accuracy.
"I contend that it should be encouraged due to the risk these illness pose to retiree" -> "I argue that it should be encouraged due to the risks these illnesses pose to retirees"
Explanation: "Contend" is somewhat informal. Replacing it with "argue" maintains formality. Also, "illness" should be pluralized to match "risks."
"individuals take the appropriate measures to protect their disease health hazard that sick present" -> "individuals take appropriate measures to mitigate the health hazards posed by illnesses"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured and lacks clarity. Simplifying it improves readability and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument by acknowledging the perspectives of those who believe in government support for the elderly and those who advocate for personal financial planning. However, the coverage is limited, with more emphasis on the importance of government support.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure a more balanced discussion of both viewpoints. Allocate equal space to discussing the merits of personal financial planning and government support for the elderly. Additionally, delve deeper into the reasons and arguments supporting each perspective.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay’s position is somewhat clear, favoring government support for the elderly. However, the expression of this stance lacks clarity and coherence at times. There are instances where the author’s position could be strengthened with more explicit language and consistent reasoning.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, clearly state the author’s position in the introduction and reiterate it throughout the essay. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader and maintain a consistent tone in supporting the chosen viewpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and coherence. There are instances of vague or unclear reasoning, making it challenging for the reader to fully grasp the author’s arguments. Additionally, the support provided for the ideas is limited, with minimal elaboration or evidence.
- How to improve: Work on developing ideas more thoroughly by providing specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes to bolster arguments. Ensure logical coherence between sentences and paragraphs to facilitate a smoother flow of ideas. Consider outlining main points before writing to organize thoughts effectively.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally veers off track, particularly in the latter part where the discussion shifts to the benefits of government actions on public health. While related, this topic drifts away from the core focus of the prompt, which is about government support for the elderly and personal financial planning.
- How to improve: Maintain a tighter focus on the prompt’s central themes throughout the essay. Avoid introducing tangential topics that distract from the main argument. Always refer back to the prompt to ensure relevance and coherence in the discussion.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt to some extent, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity, depth of analysis, and staying focused on the topic. By refining these aspects and incorporating more thorough development of ideas, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of organization, but there are instances of unclear progression and transitions between ideas. For example, the introduction lacks clarity and coherence in presenting the writer’s stance. Additionally, some ideas are not developed coherently, leading to confusion for the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on structuring the essay more clearly. Start with a concise introduction that clearly presents the writer’s opinion and outlines the main points to be discussed. Ensure each paragraph addresses a single main idea and use topic sentences to guide the reader. Transition smoothly between paragraphs to maintain coherence and facilitate understanding.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but their effectiveness is limited by issues such as lack of topic sentences and inconsistent development of ideas within paragraphs. For instance, some paragraphs contain multiple ideas that could be better separated for clarity.
- How to improve: Work on structuring paragraphs more effectively by focusing on one main idea per paragraph. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that previews the content to follow. Develop each idea fully within the paragraph and use appropriate supporting details and examples. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to maintain coherence and cohesion.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("this," "these") and transitional phrases ("on the other hand"). However, their usage is inconsistent, and there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices used throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Aim to diversify the use of cohesive devices to improve coherence and cohesion. Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "however"), transitional adverbs (e.g., "consequently," "therefore"), and referencing expressions (e.g., "the former," "the latter"). Ensure consistent and appropriate usage of cohesive devices to strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While some varied vocabulary is used throughout the essay, there is room for improvement in terms of diversity and sophistication. For instance, there are instances of repetition (e.g., "health service," "elderly") and some phrases lack nuance or specificity (e.g., "spending a vast time to exhausting energy working"). Additionally, some word choices may not be entirely appropriate or accurate (e.g., "budget es," "holistic in lieu of articles").
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, aim for more varied synonyms and expressions to avoid repetition. Additionally, strive for more precise and nuanced language to convey ideas effectively. Reading widely and expanding your vocabulary through deliberate practice can help in this regard.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits instances of both precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. There are moments where words are used accurately to convey meaning (e.g., "prescription medications," "sedentary lifestyle"). However, there are also instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, where words may not fully capture the intended meaning or lack specificity (e.g., "budget es," "raising awareness of health holistic").
- How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Utilize a dictionary or thesaurus to find more accurate and fitting vocabulary for expressing your ideas. Additionally, pay attention to context and ensure that the chosen words align closely with the intended message.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates inconsistent spelling accuracy. While there are instances of correct spelling (e.g., "hospital stays," "counselling"), there are also several spelling errors throughout the essay (e.g., "es," "planing," "prioritize," "well-being"). These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell check tools or proofreading techniques to identify and correct errors before submitting the essay. Additionally, practice spelling commonly misspelled words and review spelling rules to enhance proficiency in this area.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is a tendency towards simplicity and repetition in sentence structure, which limits the variety. For example, there is a frequent use of simple sentences, such as "It is true that…" and "On the other hand…" without much variation. Additionally, some sentences lack coherence due to awkward phrasing, such as "This is because health service can be given better chances to further improve themselves…" Overall, while the essay utilizes different structures, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence types and improving coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, aim for a balance between simple, compound, and complex sentences. Incorporate diverse sentence beginnings, such as participial phrases, subordinate clauses, or transitional phrases, to add variety and sophistication to your writing. Additionally, focus on clarity and coherence by ensuring that each sentence contributes to the overall flow of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors throughout the text. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the government should be provided health system and budget es to elderly people"), tense consistency ("there are a variety of reasons why I also believe health services and financial planing is necessitated"), and awkward phrasing ("this propensity can induce noticeable benefits"). Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases and within compound sentences, detract from the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Focus on mastering basic grammatical principles, such as subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and sentence structure. Proofread your writing carefully to identify and correct punctuation errors, paying attention to comma usage, apostrophes, and sentence boundaries. Consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify recurring grammatical issues and develop strategies for improvement. Additionally, utilize resources such as grammar guides and online tutorials to reinforce your understanding of grammatical rules and conventions.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely believed that governments should provide healthcare systems and allocate budgets to support elderly individuals, and I wholeheartedly support this perspective. Simultaneously, there is merit to the argument that individuals should save money to take care of their own lives post-retirement. In this essay, I will discuss both views and provide my opinion.

Firstly, I firmly believe that health services and financial planning are necessary for retirees. This is because such support can provide them with opportunities for further enhancement, enabling them to undergo check-ups, testing, and address their basic health concerns. Retirees often face challenges in maintaining their health post-retirement due to spending extensive time and energy working. Therefore, government support in this regard is crucial.

Moreover, this tendency can yield significant benefits, positively impacting public health. For instance, when the state allocates budget to build facilities and raise awareness of holistic health, it benefits not only the elderly but the entire community. However, it’s important to note that excessive reliance on governmental support may potentially foster a sedentary lifestyle in the community and compromise citizens’ well-being.

On the other hand, it is argued that individuals should take responsibility for their own post-retirement financial planning and healthcare. While this approach promotes self-reliance and fiscal prudence, it may not adequately address the needs of those who are unable to save sufficient funds for their healthcare needs.

In conclusion, while encouraging personal responsibility is important, I argue that government support for elderly healthcare should be encouraged due to the risks these illnesses pose to retirees. It is advisable that individuals take appropriate measures to mitigate the health hazards posed by illnesses, but government intervention is essential to ensure the well-being of all citizens, particularly the elderly.