Task 2: Some people say that in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In order to protect residents from health problems, it is generally accepted that authorities might concentrate more on limiting environmental pollution and addressing housing issues. In my opinion, tackling other factors that contribute to disease, such as poor diets and a sedentary lifestyle, would be a more holistic approach, even though those treatments are primarily effective.
First and foremost, one might argue that alleviating environmental pollution could help protect humans against respiratory diseases. This is predicated on the assumption that the emissions that pollute the environment also effect human health. For example, the massive exhaust emissions from factories has catastrophically worsened air pollution in major cities. These harmful emissions are reasons that make its residents more susceptible to serious diseases, such as lung cancer or asthma.
On the other hand, addressing housing problems could also prevent humankind from developing severe illnesses. The more substandard conditions they live under due to poverty and overcrowding, the greater the risk of having access to illness and disease. A good case in point would be that inhabitants of many countries in Africa, who have poor conditions of life, have to use polluted water from rivers or ponds, which increases their chance of contracting infectious diseases, like cholera or dysentery. The citizen's state of fitness would greatly improve if governments provided more resources to supply these communities with free, clean water.
However, this line of reasoning is not truly sound because there are various factors that lead to illness and disease, such as unhealthy food consumption and a lack of exercise, which arise from the modern world's busy corporate lifestyle. People who have these problems have compromised immune systems, making them more vulnerable to other illnesses. As a result, the government ought to consider these reasons and implement suitable solutions. For example, they may impose greater taxes on fast food items while encouraging healthier options, or create bike lanes and clear the pavements of businesses along the side of the road to encourage more people to walk or cycle.
All things considered, I support that policymakers should prevent human from illness and disease by solving contamination and housing stress. But governments should also adopt a more comprehensive strategy to improve public health by factoring in physical activity and food.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"tackling other factors that contribute to disease, such as poor diets and a sedentary lifestyle" -> "addressing additional factors contributing to illness, such as inadequate diets and sedentary lifestyles"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks precision and uses informal language ("tackling" and "disease"). The suggested alternative maintains clarity while employing more formal vocabulary.
"even though those treatments are primarily effective" -> "despite the efficacy of these measures"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat vague and colloquial. Replacing it with a more precise and formal expression enhances the academic tone of the sentence.
"one might argue" -> "it could be argued"
Explanation: The original phrase is overly wordy and informal. The suggested alternative maintains clarity while streamlining the expression.
"the emissions that pollute the environment also effect human health" -> "the emissions that pollute the environment also affect human health"
Explanation: "Effect" is incorrectly used instead of "affect" here. The correct verb is needed to convey the intended meaning.
"massive exhaust emissions from factories has catastrophically worsened air pollution" -> "significant exhaust emissions from factories have drastically exacerbated air pollution"
Explanation: The original phrase uses the singular "has" with the plural subject "emissions." Replacing it with the plural verb "have" corrects the subject-verb agreement error. Additionally, the suggested alternative employs more formal vocabulary and enhances clarity.
"These harmful emissions are reasons that make its residents more susceptible to serious diseases" -> "These harmful emissions are factors that render residents more susceptible to serious diseases"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative offers a clearer and more concise expression while maintaining formal language.
"The more substandard conditions they live under due to poverty and overcrowding" -> "Living under increasingly substandard conditions due to poverty and overcrowding"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically awkward and lacks conciseness. The suggested alternative provides a smoother and more succinct expression.
"A good case in point would be that inhabitants of many countries in Africa, who have poor conditions of life" -> "A pertinent example is the inhabitants of many countries in Africa, who endure impoverished living conditions"
Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and lacks precision. The suggested alternative improves clarity and uses more sophisticated language.
"The citizen’s state of fitness" -> "The citizens’ physical well-being"
Explanation: The original phrase contains a grammatical error (singular possessive instead of plural possessive). The suggested alternative corrects the error and employs more formal vocabulary.
"impose greater taxes on fast food items while encouraging healthier options" -> "levy higher taxes on fast food items while promoting healthier alternatives"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks precision and uses informal language ("impose" and "encouraging"). The suggested alternative maintains clarity while employing more formal vocabulary.
"All things considered, I support that policymakers should prevent human from illness and disease" -> "All things considered, I advocate for policymakers to mitigate human susceptibility to illness and disease"
Explanation: The original phrase is overly informal and lacks precision. The suggested alternative enhances formality and clarity while expressing the same idea.
"governments should also adopt a more comprehensive strategy to improve public health by factoring in physical activity and food" -> "governments should also adopt a comprehensive approach to enhancing public health by integrating considerations of physical activity and nutrition"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat vague and lacks precision. The suggested alternative provides a clearer and more formal expression while maintaining the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question by discussing both environmental pollution and housing problems as factors contributing to illness and disease prevention. It acknowledges the significance of these issues while also advocating for a broader approach that includes other factors such as diet and lifestyle.
- How to improve: While the essay adequately addresses all parts of the question, it could enhance its response by providing more specific examples or statistical data to support its arguments. Additionally, a clearer articulation of how the proposed broader approach complements the focus on environmental pollution and housing problems could strengthen the argument further.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout by advocating for a more holistic approach to preventing illness and disease, despite acknowledging the importance of addressing environmental pollution and housing problems. The position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state its stance in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion for emphasis. Additionally, avoiding ambiguous phrases such as "even though those treatments are primarily effective" could help strengthen the coherence of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports its ideas with relevant examples and reasoning. It provides specific instances, such as the impact of air pollution on respiratory health and the link between poor housing conditions and infectious diseases, to substantiate its arguments.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and development of ideas, the essay could consider elaborating on the proposed solutions for addressing factors like unhealthy diets and sedentary lifestyles. Providing more detailed strategies or examples would enhance the depth of analysis and support.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the role of environmental pollution and housing problems in preventing illness and disease. However, it briefly diverges to mention other factors like unhealthy diets and lack of exercise, but ultimately ties them back to the broader argument of adopting a comprehensive approach to public health.
- How to improve: To maintain focus on the topic, the essay could streamline its discussion of additional factors by integrating them more seamlessly into the overall argument. Emphasizing their relevance to the central thesis would help avoid any perceived deviations from the topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses key aspects of the task. By providing more specific examples, articulating its position more clearly, elaborating on proposed solutions, and maintaining focus on the topic, the essay could further strengthen its response and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information, with clear introductory and concluding paragraphs framing the discussion. Each body paragraph presents a distinct argument regarding the prevention of illness and disease, addressing either environmental pollution or housing problems. However, there is room for improvement in the coherence within paragraphs, as some ideas could be more tightly connected. For instance, the transition between discussing the impact of environmental pollution and housing problems on health could be smoother to enhance clarity and flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and transitions smoothly to the next. Use clear topic sentences to introduce the main point of each paragraph and employ cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases to link ideas within and between paragraphs.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to structure its content, with each paragraph addressing a distinct aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be more effectively structured to improve coherence and cohesion. For example, the third paragraph could be divided into two separate paragraphs, each focusing on a different aspect of the argument: the impact of unhealthy food consumption and the lack of exercise on public health.
- How to improve: Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones to enhance clarity and organization. Each paragraph should ideally develop a single idea or argument coherently, ensuring that the reader can easily follow the progression of thoughts.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a range of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "first and foremost," "on the other hand," "however," "all things considered"), to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. These cohesive devices contribute to the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay by signaling shifts in focus or introducing contrasting viewpoints.
- How to improve: Continue to use a variety of cohesive devices to enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay. Consider incorporating more sophisticated cohesive devices, such as pronouns and referencing expressions, to establish clearer connections between ideas and paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that the use of cohesive devices is consistent throughout the essay to maintain coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, there are opportunities for improvement in terms of paragraph structure and the seamless integration of cohesive devices. By refining these aspects, the essay can enhance its logical organization and coherence, ultimately leading to a more cohesive and compelling argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary throughout. It includes varied terminology such as "alleviating," "predicated," "catastrophically," "substandard," "inhabitants," "compromised," "suitable," and "policymakers," among others. These lexical choices effectively convey the writer’s ideas and contribute to the overall coherence and richness of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay already employs a wide range of vocabulary, the writer could further enhance lexical diversity by incorporating more domain-specific terms related to public health and government policies. For instance, instead of using generic terms like "factors" or "reasons," the writer could utilize more precise vocabulary such as "contributing factors" or "underlying causes."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary precisely, with terms used accurately to convey the intended meaning. For example, the use of "substandard conditions" effectively communicates the poor quality of housing, and terms like "compromised immune systems" accurately describe weakened immunity due to lifestyle factors. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For instance, the term "corporate lifestyle" is somewhat vague and could be replaced with more specific terminology to better articulate the idea.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should aim to choose vocabulary that precisely captures the intended meaning without ambiguity. This may involve using more specialized terms or providing clearer context to ensure the reader accurately interprets the writer’s message.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally strong, with few errors detracting from readability. However, there are a couple of instances where minor spelling errors are present, such as "effect" instead of "affect" and "humankind" instead of "human kind." These errors do not significantly impede comprehension but indicate the need for closer attention to spelling consistency.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should consider proofreading the essay carefully to identify and correct any spelling errors. Utilizing spelling and grammar check tools can also help in detecting and rectifying minor errors before finalizing the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, with a varied range of terms effectively employed to convey the writer’s arguments. To further enhance lexical resource, the writer should focus on incorporating more precise vocabulary and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy. Additionally, careful proofreading can help polish the essay and eliminate any remaining errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout the essay. For instance, simple sentences like "In my opinion" and "For example" are used alongside more complex ones such as "This is predicated on the assumption that…" This variety keeps the essay engaging and helps convey the ideas effectively.
- How to improve: While the essay does employ a variety of sentence structures, enhancing the complexity and sophistication of some sentences could further elevate the quality of writing. Introducing more complex sentence structures, such as using conditional clauses or inversion, can add depth to the arguments presented. Additionally, varying the length of sentences can create a more dynamic rhythm and enhance readability.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are instances where minor grammatical mistakes occur, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("emissions that… effect" should be "emissions that… affect") and punctuation errors (e.g., missing comma after introductory phrases). Additionally, there are some awkward phrasings that could be clarified for smoother readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, thorough proofreading is essential to catch and correct errors before submission. Reviewing each sentence for subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and punctuation accuracy can help eliminate grammatical mistakes. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors on specific areas of improvement can be beneficial. Further, practicing writing in a variety of contexts and receiving feedback on sentence structure and grammar can enhance overall writing proficiency. Additionally, paying attention to clarity and coherence in sentence construction can contribute to smoother readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the quest to safeguard public health, it is widely believed that governments should prioritize efforts to curb environmental pollution and address housing issues. However, I contend that a more holistic approach would involve addressing additional factors contributing to illness, such as inadequate diets and sedentary lifestyles, despite the efficacy of these measures.

One might argue that reducing environmental pollution could play a crucial role in protecting human health, particularly against respiratory diseases. It could be argued that the emissions that pollute the environment also affect human health. For instance, significant exhaust emissions from factories have drastically exacerbated air pollution in urban areas, rendering residents more susceptible to serious diseases like lung cancer or asthma.

Similarly, addressing housing problems could mitigate the risk of severe illnesses. Living under increasingly substandard conditions due to poverty and overcrowding exposes individuals to higher health risks. A pertinent example is the inhabitants of many countries in Africa, who endure impoverished living conditions and consequently have limited access to clean water, increasing their vulnerability to infectious diseases like cholera or dysentery. Improving the citizens’ physical well-being would require governments to provide adequate resources to ensure access to clean water in such communities.

However, it is important to recognize that illness and disease stem from various factors beyond pollution and housing. Unhealthy dietary habits and lack of physical activity, often associated with modern lifestyles, also contribute significantly to compromised immune systems and susceptibility to illnesses. Therefore, it is imperative for governments to adopt a comprehensive approach that integrates considerations of physical activity and nutrition into public health policies.

For instance, policymakers could levy higher taxes on fast food items while promoting healthier alternatives, or invest in infrastructure such as bike lanes to encourage physical activity. By addressing these underlying factors, governments can mitigate human susceptibility to illness and disease, thereby enhancing public health outcomes.

In conclusion, while efforts to reduce environmental pollution and improve housing conditions are essential for public health, governments should also adopt a comprehensive approach to enhancing public health by integrating considerations of physical activity and nutrition. By addressing a broader range of factors contributing to illness and disease, policymakers can better protect the well-being of their citizens.