Task 2: Some people think that young people should be required to do unpaid work helping people in the community. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
One school of thought holds that it should be mandatory for the young to volunteer in society. While acknowledging the reasons behind this thinking, I would contend that its drawbacks would overwhelm its benefits. In this essay, I will indicate both the advantages of this trend in certain extent before ultimately pointing out the reasons why its disadvantages is far more significantly.
On the one hand, the idea that young people must be engage in the voluntary works to help those in need can be advantageous to a certain extent. Firstly, this trend can enhance moral awareness. As supporting those who struggle to deal with difficulty such as the disabled or the poor, teenagers have opportunity to express their emotions and understand the predicaments of people surroundings as well as develop their mentally preparation before maturity. Secondly, taking part in unpaid work also offer adocelents to hone soft skills such as time management, communication skills or problem-solving. Because participanting voluntary works means they enter a new enviroments without any guidances from parents or teachers so that they have to stand on their own and obtain hands-on experience.
On the other hand, despite of these benefit aforementioned, I am still convinced that its merits can be pale in significant when compared to its demerits. The key rationale is that taking part in unpaid works have detrimental effects on both physical and mental health regarding young people. After a hetic schedule at work or school, continuously doing voluntary work make them easily burn out and exhaustion, later it causes several ailments in back, neck and as well as stress or headaches. Besides, lack of leisure time leads to lack of work-life balance, therefore; they would consider voluntary as a obliged work which create a negative impression. In additional, the support solely from young people seem to not have any impact on society. In order to helping those who are in need, the government must be engage in. They can provide social welfare to the disabled or the poor to improve their lives which is more benefial compared to the help of volunteers.
In conclusion, despite of certain benefits of young people is obliged to do unpaid work in order to help people in the community, I would contend that its drawbacks is far more pronounced.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"must be engage" -> "must engage"
Explanation: Replacing "must be engage" with "must engage" streamlines the sentence, eliminating unnecessary words and adhering to a more direct and active style typical of academic writing.
"adolescents" -> "adolescents"
Explanation: The original term "adocelents" appears to be a typographical error. The correct term is "adolescents," maintaining accuracy and professionalism.
"enviroments" -> "environments"
Explanation: Correcting the misspelling from "enviroments" to "environments" ensures the use of proper academic vocabulary and maintains the formality of the essay.
"participanting" -> "participating"
Explanation: Rectifying the misspelling "participanting" to "participating" ensures the accurate use of language and improves the essay’s overall readability.
"despite of these benefit aforementioned" -> "despite these aforementioned benefits"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase from "despite of these benefit aforementioned" to "despite these aforementioned benefits" results in a more grammatically correct and formally structured sentence.
"hectic schedule at work or school, continuously doing voluntary work" -> "hectic schedule at work or school; continuous engagement in voluntary work"
Explanation: Separating the clauses with a semicolon and modifying "continuously doing" to "continuous engagement in" enhances the sentence’s coherence and formal tone.
"ailments in back, neck and as well as stress or headaches" -> "ailments such as back and neck pain, as well as stress and headaches"
Explanation: Refining the phrase from "ailments in back, neck and as well as stress or headaches" to "ailments such as back and neck pain, as well as stress and headaches" improves clarity and aligns with a more academic style.
"as a obliged work" -> "as an obligatory task"
Explanation: Substituting "as a obliged work" with "as an obligatory task" employs a more precise and formal term, contributing to the essay’s academic tone.
"benefial" -> "beneficial"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error "benefial" to "beneficial" ensures the use of accurate and formal language in the context of academic writing.
"drawbacks is far more pronounced" -> "drawbacks are far more significant"
Explanation: Adjusting "drawbacks is far more pronounced" to "drawbacks are far more significant" corrects the subject-verb agreement, resulting in a grammatically accurate and formal statement.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the prompt. It discusses the advantages of young people engaging in unpaid work, such as moral awareness and the development of soft skills. However, the analysis of disadvantages is more detailed, emphasizing the negative impact on physical and mental health, the lack of work-life balance, and the limited societal impact.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, strive for a more balanced exploration of both advantages and disadvantages. Provide more specific examples for the advantages and consider addressing potential counterarguments to make the analysis more nuanced.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that leans towards the disadvantages outweighing the benefits. This stance is consistent throughout the essay, particularly evident in the concluding statement.
- How to improve: While maintaining clarity, consider acknowledging potential strengths of the opposing viewpoint to demonstrate a more nuanced understanding. This can add depth to the analysis.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with some development, but it could benefit from more specific examples and elaboration, especially regarding the advantages of young people engaging in unpaid work. The discussion on disadvantages is more detailed and supported.
- How to improve: Strengthen the essay by providing concrete examples and expanding on each point. For instance, when discussing the benefits, offer real-life instances or statistics to bolster the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of young people doing unpaid work. However, there are instances where the focus wavers, such as the brief mention of government involvement towards the end.
- How to improve: Ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. If introducing related ideas, connect them explicitly to the main topic to maintain a cohesive and focused essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively communicates its stance. To improve, aim for a more balanced exploration of both sides, provide specific examples to support ideas, acknowledge opposing viewpoints for a nuanced perspective, and maintain a laser focus on the main topic throughout.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay follows a discernible structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the organization could be strengthened. The introduction is clear, but the body paragraphs lack a smooth transition. The advantages are discussed in the second paragraph, followed by the disadvantages in the third paragraph. A more effective approach would involve discussing advantages and disadvantages in alternating paragraphs for better coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider alternating between advantages and disadvantages within each paragraph. For instance, introduce an advantage, provide supporting details, and then transition to a disadvantage in the same paragraph. This will create a more balanced and cohesive flow throughout the essay.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness can be improved. Paragraphs should focus on a single main idea and transition smoothly to the next. Some paragraphs in the essay cover multiple points, leading to a lack of clarity. For instance, the second paragraph discusses both moral awareness and soft skills without a clear separation.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and focuses on a single aspect of the argument. Create new paragraphs for distinct points, helping readers follow the logical progression of your ideas. In the second paragraph, consider separating discussions about moral awareness and soft skills into two distinct paragraphs for better clarity and organization.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices such as linking words (e.g., "firstly," "secondly," "on the other hand," "in conclusion") to some extent. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and effectiveness of these devices. Additionally, the essay lacks some transitional phrases within paragraphs, affecting the overall coherence.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices, including transition words and phrases within and between sentences. For instance, use transitional phrases like "however," "furthermore," or "nevertheless" to improve the flow between contrasting ideas. Ensure that each paragraph has clear transitions to connect ideas and maintain a cohesive narrative. Consider revising sentences for smoother connections between arguments, enhancing overall coherence.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, implementing these suggested improvements will elevate the organization and clarity of ideas, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use less common words and phrases. For example, words like "predicaments" and "adocelents" show an attempt to diversify vocabulary. However, there is room for improvement as certain words are repetitively used, and there’s a lack of variety in expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of frequently using the term "voluntary work," alternatives like "community service" or "charitable activities" could be employed. Additionally, exploring more sophisticated vocabulary related to the essay topic could elevate the overall lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary with precision, but there are instances where imprecise language weakens the impact. For example, the phrase "its merits can be pale in significant" may be confusing, and the term "adocelents" appears to be a misspelling or an unintended word.
- How to improve: Aim for clarity and precision in word choice. Instead of "its merits can be pale in significant," consider expressing that the benefits may be overshadowed or outweighed by the drawbacks. Additionally, ensure accurate word usage; for instance, replace "adocelents" with "adolescents" for proper spelling and meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of spelling errors in the essay, such as "adocelents" (adolescents), "enviroments" (environments), "benefial" (beneficial), and others. These errors affect the overall impression of the essay’s language proficiency.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully. Utilize spelling and grammar check tools, and pay attention to commonly misspelled words. Additionally, reviewing the essay after writing and making corrections systematically can help minimize spelling errors.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in vocabulary use, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. Focusing on these aspects will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished lexical resource, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences are predominant, with limited use of complex sentences. For example, in the introduction, the writer uses a complex sentence: "While acknowledging the reasons behind this thinking, I would contend that its drawbacks would overwhelm its benefits." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further to enhance overall fluency and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as using relative clauses, conditional sentences, or a variety of sentence beginnings. This can contribute to a more nuanced and polished writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some grammatical and punctuation errors that impact clarity. For instance, there are instances of inaccurate word choices, such as "adocelents" instead of "adolescents" and "enviroments" instead of "environments." Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, e.g., "voluntary works make them easily burn out," and punctuation, like missing commas in certain places.
- How to improve: Focus on proofreading to catch errors related to word choice, subject-verb agreement, and punctuation. Consider reading the essay aloud or having someone else review it to identify and correct these issues. Paying attention to grammar rules and ensuring accurate word usage will enhance the overall coherence and correctness of the essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
One perspective argues that adolescents must engage in unpaid community service. While recognizing the rationale behind this idea, I would argue that its drawbacks outweigh the benefits. In this essay, I will highlight the advantages of this trend to some extent before ultimately pointing out why its disadvantages are far more significant.
On the positive side, the notion that young people should participate in voluntary work to aid those in need can be beneficial to some extent. Firstly, this trend can enhance moral awareness. By supporting individuals facing challenges such as disabilities or poverty, teenagers have the opportunity to express their emotions and understand the difficulties people around them face, contributing to their mental preparation for maturity. Secondly, engaging in unpaid work also allows adolescents to hone soft skills like time management, communication, and problem-solving. Participating in voluntary work exposes them to new environments without guidance from parents or teachers, encouraging them to stand on their own and gain hands-on experience.
However, despite these aforementioned benefits, I remain convinced that the drawbacks are far more significant. The primary reason is that involvement in unpaid work has detrimental effects on both the physical and mental health of young people. After a hectic schedule at work or school, continuous participation in voluntary work can lead to burnout and exhaustion, resulting in ailments such as back and neck pain, as well as stress and headaches. Additionally, the lack of leisure time results in an imbalance between work and personal life, causing young individuals to view voluntary work as an obligatory task, creating a negative impression. Furthermore, the impact of support solely from young people on society appears minimal. To truly help those in need, government engagement is crucial. The government can provide social welfare to the disabled or the poor, significantly improving their lives, which is more beneficial compared to the help of volunteers.
In conclusion, despite the certain benefits of young people being obliged to do unpaid work to assist the community, I would contend that its drawbacks are far more pronounced.