Task 2: Some people think that young people should be required to do unpaid work helping people in the community. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
One school of thought holds that it should be mandatory for the young to volunteer in society. While acknowledging the reasons behind this thinking, I would contend that its drawbacks would overwhelm its benefits.
On the one hand, the idea that young people must be engage in the voluntary works to help those in need can be advantageous to a certain extent. Firstly, this trend can enhance moral awereness. As supporting those who struggle to deal with difficulty such as the disabled or the poor, teenagers have opportunity to express their emotions and understand the predicaments of people surroundings as well as develop their mentally prepare before become mature. Secondly, taking part in unpaid work also offer young people to hone soft skills such as time management, communication skills or problem-solving. Because participanting voluntary works means they enter a new enviroments without any guidances from parents or teachers so that they have to stand on their own and obtain hands-on experience.
On the other hand, despite of these benefit aforementioned, I am still convinced that its merits can be pale in significant when compared to its demerits. The key rationale is that taking part in unpaid works have detrimental effects on both physical and mental health regarding young people. After a hetic schedule at work or school, continuously doing voluntary work make them easily burn out and exhausted, later it causes several disease in back, neck and also stress or headaches. Besides, lack of leisure time leads to lack of work-life balance, therefore; they would consider voluntary as a obliged work which create a negative impression. In additional, the support solely from young people seem to not have any impact on society. In order to helping those who are in need, the government must be engage in. They can provide social welfare to the disabled or the poor to improve their lives which is more benefial compared to the help of volunteers.
In conclusion, despite of certain benefits of young people is obliged to do unpaid work in order to help people in the community, I would contend that its drawbacks is far more pronounced.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"engage in the voluntary works" -> "engage in voluntary work"
Explanation: "Voluntary work" is a more concise and formal term than "voluntary works." This change maintains clarity and aligns with academic style.
"moral awereness" -> "moral awareness"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling to "moral awareness" ensures accuracy and adherence to formal language conventions.
"the predicaments of people surroundings" -> "the predicaments of people around them"
Explanation: The phrase "people surroundings" is awkward and informal. Changing it to "people around them" maintains the intended meaning while improving the formality of expression.
"mentally prepare before become mature" -> "mentally prepare before maturing"
Explanation: Rearranging the words improves the syntax and makes the statement more grammatically sound.
"participanting voluntary works" -> "participating in voluntary work"
Explanation: The correct form is "participating in voluntary work," ensuring grammatical accuracy and formality.
"new enviroments" -> "new environments"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling to "new environments" maintains proper language usage and enhances the essay’s professionalism.
"despite of these benefit aforementioned" -> "despite these aforementioned benefits"
Explanation: Rearranging the words improves the sentence structure and maintains formal language conventions.
"its merits can be pale in significant" -> "its merits may pale in significance"
Explanation: The phrase "may pale in significance" is a more nuanced and academically appropriate expression.
"horrific schedule" -> "hectic schedule"
Explanation: "Hectic schedule" is a more sophisticated term than "horrific schedule" and aligns better with academic style.
"burn out and exhausted" -> "burn out and exhaustion"
Explanation: Changing "exhausted" to "exhaustion" ensures proper usage in the context of the sentence.
"disease in back, neck" -> "ailments in the back and neck"
Explanation: Using "ailments in the back and neck" is more specific and formal than "disease in back, neck."
"also stress or headaches" -> "as well as stress or headaches"
Explanation: "As well as" is a more formal alternative to "also" in this context.
"leisure time leads to lack of work-life balance, therefore;" -> "lack of leisure time results in a lack of work-life balance; therefore,"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence improves clarity and maintains formal language conventions.
"consider voluntary as a obliged work" -> "consider voluntary work as an obligation"
Explanation: The revised phrasing is more precise and aligns with formal language use.
"create a negative impression" -> "create a negative perception"
Explanation: "Negative perception" is a more nuanced and academically appropriate term than "negative impression."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the question. It recognizes the idea that young people should be required to do unpaid work in the community, acknowledges the benefits of this perspective, and ultimately presents a clear stance against it, arguing that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages. Relevant sections include the introduction, where the writer acknowledges the reasoning behind the idea, and the conclusion, where a firm position against mandatory unpaid work is stated.
- How to improve: While the essay addresses all parts of the question, it could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the advantages before dismissing them. This could involve elaborating on the potential benefits and then providing a counter-argument, making the essay more comprehensive.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea that young people should be required to do unpaid work throughout. The stance is evident in the thesis statement, and each paragraph consistently supports this viewpoint.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the writer can explicitly state their position in the introduction and ensure that each paragraph aligns with and reinforces this stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both the advantages and disadvantages of young people doing unpaid work. However, the development and support of these ideas are uneven. The advantages are discussed in more detail, with examples provided, while the disadvantages are presented more briefly.
- How to improve: To achieve a better balance, the writer should provide more elaboration and examples for the disadvantages. This will ensure a thorough exploration of both sides of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of young people doing unpaid work. However, there are instances where the focus could be sharper. For example, the discussion on the negative impact on physical and mental health could be more directly related to the prompt.
- How to improve: To stay more closely on topic, the writer should ensure that each point made is directly related to the prompt. Providing specific examples related to the prompt would strengthen the relevance of the essay.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses all parts of the question and maintains a clear position throughout, improvements in the depth of analysis, balance in idea development, and sharper focus on the prompt would contribute to a more comprehensive and cohesive response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of ideas. The introduction presents the author’s stance clearly, followed by two distinct paragraphs presenting advantages and disadvantages. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow. For instance, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother to enhance coherence. Additionally, the conclusion could summarize the key points more explicitly to reinforce the essay’s main arguments.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas between paragraphs. In the conclusion, restate the main advantages and disadvantages concisely to reinforce the overall argument.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. However, there are areas where the structure could be refined for better clarity. For instance, the first paragraph could be divided into two to separate the explanation of the idea and the introduction of the advantages. Breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more focused paragraphs can enhance readability and comprehension.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into more concise units, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. This will contribute to clearer organization and make the essay more reader-friendly.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices, including transitional words and phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion"). While these devices contribute to coherence, there’s room for improvement in the diversity and sophistication of cohesive elements. The essay could benefit from a wider range of linking words and more subtle transitions to create a seamless connection between ideas.
- How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of transition words and phrases. Additionally, focus on using cohesive devices more subtly to create a seamless flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will elevate the overall coherence of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use a variety of words, but it lacks consistency and sometimes relies on basic vocabulary. For example, the repetition of phrases like "young people" could be diversified to maintain reader engagement. Specific examples are limited, with a need for more detailed and precise language to convey ideas effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance the score in this aspect, aim to incorporate more nuanced and varied vocabulary throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "young people," consider synonyms like "youth" or "adolescents." Additionally, provide concrete examples to illustrate points, making the content more vivid and engaging.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary with precision, but there are instances of imprecise or repetitive language. For example, the phrase "taking part in unpaid works" could be more precisely expressed as "engaging in voluntary activities." Enhancing precision would elevate the overall quality of expression.
- How to improve: To improve precision, carefully choose words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of general terms, use specific and accurate vocabulary. Review the essay to identify areas where more precise language can replace vague expressions. This refinement will contribute to a more sophisticated and polished writing style.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with few notable errors. However, there are some issues, such as "awereness" (awareness) and "hectic" (hectic) that need attention. While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, addressing them would enhance the overall professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully before submission. Pay close attention to common problem areas, such as homophones and frequently misspelled words. Utilize spelling and grammar check tools to catch any overlooked errors. Developing a habit of reviewing written work systematically will contribute to consistently correct spelling.
By addressing these specific areas, you can elevate the lexical resource of your essay, leading to a more refined and sophisticated piece of writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. Simple, compound, and complex sentences are used, but there is room for improvement. Some sentences lack complexity, and there is a tendency to use similar structures repetitively. For instance, the opening sentence and several subsequent sentences follow a similar pattern, impacting the essay’s overall structural variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as varying sentence lengths and incorporating dependent clauses. For example, instead of consistently starting sentences with "On the one hand" or "Secondly," experiment with different introductory phrases and sentence structures. This will add sophistication to your writing and make it more engaging.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a reasonable command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are notable instances of grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, the phrase "should be mandatory for the young to volunteer" could be improved by using "mandatory for young people to volunteer." Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas in certain places (e.g., "burn out and exhausted, later it causes").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review sentence structure and word choice. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and use appropriate prepositions. Additionally, proofread for punctuation errors, ensuring the correct placement of commas and other punctuation marks. Consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-check tools to identify and rectify specific issues. Improving precision in grammar and punctuation will elevate the overall quality of your writing.
In summary, while the essay exhibits a generally proficient command of grammar and punctuation, there is room for improvement in sentence structure variety and precise application of grammar rules. Diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated essay.
Bài sửa mẫu
One school of thought suggests that it should be mandatory for young people to engage in voluntary work in society. While acknowledging the reasoning behind this perspective, I would argue that its drawbacks would outweigh its benefits.
On the positive side, the idea that young people should participate in voluntary work to assist those in need can be advantageous to a certain extent. Firstly, this trend can enhance moral awareness. By supporting those who struggle with difficulties such as disabilities or poverty, teenagers have the opportunity to express their emotions and understand the predicaments of people around them, thus aiding in their mental preparation for maturity. Secondly, taking part in unpaid work also allows young people to hone soft skills such as time management, communication skills, and problem-solving. Engaging in voluntary work means they enter new environments without guidance from parents or teachers, forcing them to stand on their own and gain hands-on experience.
However, despite these aforementioned benefits, I remain convinced that its merits may pale in significance when compared to its demerits. The primary reason is that participating in unpaid work can have detrimental effects on both the physical and mental health of young people. After a hectic schedule at work or school, continuously doing voluntary work can lead to burnout and exhaustion, resulting in ailments in the back, neck, as well as stress or headaches. Moreover, the lack of leisure time results in a lack of work-life balance; therefore, young people may consider voluntary work as an obligation, creating a negative perception. Additionally, the support solely from young people may not have a significant impact on society. To truly help those in need, government engagement is essential. They can provide social welfare to the disabled or the poor, improving their lives in a more beneficial manner compared to the help of volunteers.
In conclusion, despite the certain benefits of obliging young people to do unpaid work to help people in the community, I would contend that its drawbacks are far more pronounced.