Task 2: Some people think young people should follow the traditions of their society. Others think that they should be free to behave as individuals.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Task 2: Some people think young people should follow the traditions of their society. Others think that they should be free to behave as individuals.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

One school of thought holds that the traditions of society should be followed by adolescents.However,others belive that each individuals should be behaved on their own way.From my perspective,although both viewpoints are valid to some extent,I lean toward the former.In this essay,I will elaborate both viewpoints and defend my stance.

On the one hand,those who think that the traditional value is needed to obey by the young  have their own reasons.Firstly,this affords a consistant in thinking of all individual not only the old but also the young.This is because if teenagers carry on obediently conventional principle,the society will avoid disagreement with each other.Moreover,gap generation will be disappeared when everybody has viewpoints in commom.For example,living in extended family where many generations live together,disagreement among generations is unavoidable.Therefore,in order to get on with family,following the traditions is neccessary.Secondly,should young peole obey the conventionals, cultural society will be pass down from genenration to generation.As a result,each individuals could contribute to preserve culture.

On the other hand,I strongly belief that each to their own,each individual should be free to behave as individuals for several reasons.First and foremost,creating a diversity about fabric of society.For the reason that each person have their own chracteristic,ability and hobby.If they are bound of common standard,they will not develop their competence.On contrary,a coloured society is created when all person is respected for their own difference.Secondly,avoiding barriers about traditional thought help teenagers become easy to cooperate with other nations in the world.This is because freedom about behaviour shape a overall viewpoint for them and always respect the difference.For example,a person live in nation A and he has to go on a bussiness to nation B,he certainly could integrate with people if he has a free thought.

In conclusion,despite the benefit of the former such as the consistance among generations,i strongly belief the later because the ability of intergration and the improvent own possibilities.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "One school of thought holds that" -> "One perspective suggests that"
   Explanation: "One perspective suggests that" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "One school of thought holds that," which can sound somewhat clichéd and less precise in academic writing.

2. "others belive" -> "others believe"
   Explanation: Corrects a spelling error to maintain professionalism and accuracy in the text.

3. "each individuals should be behaved on their own way" -> "each individual should behave in their own manner"
   Explanation: "Behaved" is the correct form of the verb, and "in their own manner" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea of individuality.

4. "although both viewpoints are valid to some extent" -> "although both viewpoints have merit"
   Explanation: "Have merit" is a more formal and precise term than "are valid to some extent," which is somewhat vague and informal.

5. "the traditional value is needed to obey by the young" -> "traditional values must be adhered to by the young"
   Explanation: "Must be adhered to" is more formal and precise than "is needed to obey by," which is awkwardly phrased and informal.

6. "consistant in thinking" -> "consistent in their thinking"
   Explanation: "Consistent" should be used with "their" to correctly attribute the consistency to the individuals, enhancing grammatical accuracy and formality.

7. "gap generation will be disappeared" -> "the generational gap will be eliminated"
   Explanation: "Eliminated" is a more precise and formal term than "disappeared," which is less specific and slightly informal.

8. "in commom" -> "in common"
   Explanation: Corrects a spelling error to maintain professionalism and accuracy.

9. "neccessary" -> "necessary"
   Explanation: Corrects a spelling error to ensure the text is free of typos.

10. "young peole" -> "young people"
    Explanation: Corrects a spelling error to maintain professionalism and accuracy.

11. "conventionals" -> "conventions"
    Explanation: "Conventions" is the correct noun form, not "conventional," which is an adjective.

12. "genenration" -> "generation"
    Explanation: Corrects a spelling error to ensure the text is free of typos.

13. "I strongly belief" -> "I strongly believe"
    Explanation: Corrects a spelling error to maintain professionalism and accuracy.

14. "each to their own" -> "each to their own accord"
    Explanation: "To their own accord" is a more formal and precise phrase than the colloquial "each to their own."

15. "creating a diversity about fabric of society" -> "promoting diversity within the fabric of society"
    Explanation: "Promoting diversity within the fabric of society" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea of creating diversity.

16. "avoiding barriers about traditional thought" -> "overcoming barriers to traditional thought"
    Explanation: "Overcoming barriers to traditional thought" is a more precise and formal expression than "avoiding barriers about traditional thought."

17. "improvent own possibilities" -> "enhance their own possibilities"
    Explanation: "Enhance" is the correct verb to use in this context, and "their" is the correct possessive form to match "own."

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary and grammar to meet the standards of academic writing, ensuring clarity, precision, and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding whether young people should follow traditions or behave as individuals. However, the discussion lacks depth in exploring the implications of each viewpoint. For instance, while the essay mentions that following traditions can prevent generational disagreements, it does not fully explain how this impacts societal cohesion or individual identity. Similarly, the argument for individual freedom is presented but lacks specific examples or further elaboration on its societal benefits.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each viewpoint is explored more thoroughly. This could involve providing more detailed examples and discussing the potential consequences of each perspective. Additionally, including counterarguments or acknowledging the strengths of the opposing view could enrich the discussion.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer states a clear preference for individual freedom, but the position is somewhat muddled by the initial acknowledgment of the validity of both viewpoints. Phrases like "both viewpoints are valid to some extent" may confuse the reader about the writer’s true stance. The conclusion reiterates a preference for individualism, but it could be more assertive in emphasizing this position.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their stance in the introduction and consistently reinforce it throughout the essay. Using phrases that indicate a strong opinion, such as "I firmly believe" or "It is essential that," can help clarify the writer’s viewpoint. Additionally, minimizing the acknowledgment of the opposing view can strengthen the overall argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the importance of tradition for societal cohesion and the value of individualism for personal development. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, the claim that following traditions can prevent generational disagreements is made but not substantiated with specific examples or data. Similarly, the argument for individualism lacks concrete illustrations of how this leads to societal benefits.
  • How to improve: To improve the extension and support of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples, anecdotes, or data that illustrate their points. Each argument should be elaborated upon, explaining why it is significant and how it connects to the overall discussion. This could involve citing studies, historical examples, or personal experiences that reinforce the arguments being made.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s requirements. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper. For instance, the discussion about "avoiding barriers about traditional thought" could be more directly linked to the overall theme of individualism versus tradition. Some sentences are convoluted and may distract from the main argument, such as the lengthy explanation about societal integration.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the central argument of the essay. Using topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of each paragraph can help guide the reader. Additionally, simplifying complex sentences and avoiding tangential points will keep the discussion relevant and concise.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and presents both viewpoints, it requires more depth, clarity, and support to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction outlining the two perspectives and a conclusion summarizing the author’s opinion. Each viewpoint is addressed in separate paragraphs, which aids in logical organization. However, the flow of ideas within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the necessity of following traditions to the benefits of individual freedom lacks a smooth connection, making it slightly challenging for the reader to follow the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that directly link to the main argument of each paragraph. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "In contrast" or "Conversely" can help clarify shifts in perspective and strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct viewpoint, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, some paragraphs could benefit from clearer internal structure. For example, the first body paragraph presents multiple reasons but lacks clear delineation between these reasons, which can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each reason is introduced with a clear topic sentence and followed by supporting details. Consider using bullet points or numbered lists for complex ideas to enhance clarity. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a concluding sentence that summarizes the main point before transitioning to the next idea.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal shifts between viewpoints. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, phrases like "For example" are used, but the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices to enhance the flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a range of linking words and phrases such as "Furthermore," "Additionally," "Consequently," and "In summary." This will help to create smoother transitions between ideas and reinforce the relationships between different points. Practicing the use of these devices in writing exercises can also help to embed them into your writing style.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents coherent arguments, focusing on enhancing logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will further strengthen coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, but it often relies on basic terms and phrases. For instance, words like "traditions," "individuals," and "society" are repeated without much variation. The use of phrases such as "each to their own" and "cultural society" shows some effort to diversify vocabulary, but they are not always used correctly or in the most effective context.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "traditions," alternatives like "customs," "heritage," or "cultural practices" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary related to the themes discussed, such as "conformity," "individualism," or "cultural preservation," would strengthen the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "should be behaved on their own way" is awkward and incorrect; it would be clearer to say "should behave in their own way." Similarly, "cultural society" is redundant, as "culture" and "society" are inherently linked.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. It would be beneficial to revise sentences for clarity and correctness. For instance, instead of "creating a diversity about fabric of society," a more precise phrase could be "fostering diversity within the fabric of society." Engaging in vocabulary exercises that emphasize context and connotation can also aid in improving precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that hinder readability and professionalism. Words such as "belive" (should be "believe"), "consistant" (should be "consistent"), "neccessary" (should be "necessary"), and "intergration" (should be "integration") reflect a lack of attention to detail in spelling.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy before submission. This could include reading the essay aloud to catch errors or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and keeping a personal list of challenging words can help reinforce correct spelling over time. Engaging in regular writing exercises can also improve overall spelling skills.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy—the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" indicate an attempt to structure arguments clearly. However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences being either overly simplistic or incorrectly constructed. For example, "each individuals should be behaved on their own way" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. This lack of complexity and variety in sentence structures reduces the overall effectiveness of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should practice using more complex sentences that incorporate subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "each individuals should be behaved on their own way," a more effective structure could be "each individual should have the freedom to express themselves in their own unique way." Additionally, varying the use of transitional phrases and conjunctions can help create smoother connections between ideas.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, "belive" should be "believe," and "consistant" should be "consistent." There are also punctuation errors, such as the lack of spaces after commas and periods (e.g., "society should be followed by adolescents.However,others"). Furthermore, phrases like "should young peole obey the conventionals" show incorrect pluralization and word choice. These mistakes hinder the reader’s understanding and demonstrate a lack of grammatical precision.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work for common spelling errors and ensuring subject-verb agreement. For example, "each individuals" should be corrected to "each individual." Practicing punctuation rules, especially concerning commas and periods, will also help. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can provide additional support in identifying and correcting errors before submission.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument, the limited range of grammatical structures and frequent errors in grammar and punctuation significantly impact the overall score. Focusing on these areas will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

One perspective suggests that the traditions of society should be followed by young people. However, others believe that each individual should behave in their own manner. From my perspective, although both viewpoints have merit, I lean toward the latter. In this essay, I will elaborate on both viewpoints and defend my stance.

On the one hand, those who think that traditional values must be adhered to by the young have their own reasons. Firstly, this fosters consistency in thinking among all individuals, not only the old but also the young. This is because if teenagers obediently follow conventional principles, society will avoid disagreements. Moreover, the generational gap will be eliminated when everyone shares common viewpoints. For example, in an extended family where multiple generations live together, disagreements among generations are often unavoidable. Therefore, in order to maintain harmony within the family, following traditions is necessary. Secondly, if young people obey conventions, cultural heritage will be passed down from generation to generation. As a result, each individual can contribute to preserving culture.

On the other hand, I strongly believe that each to their own; each individual should be free to behave as they wish for several reasons. First and foremost, promoting diversity within the fabric of society is essential. Each person has their own characteristics, abilities, and hobbies. If they are bound by common standards, they will not fully develop their potential. In contrast, a vibrant society is created when every person is respected for their differences. Secondly, overcoming barriers to traditional thought helps teenagers easily cooperate with other nations. This is because freedom of behavior shapes a broader worldview and fosters respect for diversity. For example, if a person from nation A has to go on a business trip to nation B, they will certainly be able to integrate with the local people if they possess an open mindset.

In conclusion, despite the benefits of the former viewpoint, such as consistency among generations, I strongly believe in the latter perspective due to the importance of integration and enhancing individual possibilities.