Technology development has enriched and facilitated our everyday life with hundreds of applications (apps), thus offering plenty of job opportunities to menial workers. “From superficial look, such jobs substantially satisfy social demands, but they, in fact, retard both economic and cultural development” Are you in support of or in opposition to this idea?

Technology development has enriched and facilitated our everyday life with hundreds of applications (apps), thus offering plenty of job opportunities to menial workers.
“From superficial look, such jobs substantially satisfy social demands, but they, in fact, retard both economic and cultural development”
Are you in support of or in opposition to this idea?

In the age of digitization, technology has been a deeply-ingrained part of our life. Its prevalence has given rise to a dichotomy, with divergent perspectives on the nature of its impact on our society. There is a school of thought that technological proliferation inflicts harms on the economic and cultural growth despite creating new employment opportunities. Personally, I agree with this notion wholeheartedly.
Firstly, although there is no denying that newly-emerging trends in technology might devise job opportunities, such careers are rather unstable as they rely on the development pattern of technology. In the main, almost every aspect relating to mechanization hardly stays rigid. Its ever-evolving nature influence the requirement of personel among technology enterprises. Therefore, those whose jobs prompted by contemporary digital trends are susceptible to be laid off. The inordinate number of people without stable career prospects would likely to rely most of their income from government’s aids, which ultimately put pressure on the national economy. Secondly, the sudden rise in demands for people working in technological fields could pose a prominent threat to the conservation of traditional crafts. General speaking, machines operated within factories is bound to be more sophisticated which require extensive training and longer working hours to fulfill the tasks. Higher remuneration offered by companies has been propeling many people into abandoning their family businesses which could be seen in a array of Vietnamese villages. This inclination turns out to be rather short-sighted as conserving valuable traditional crafts are prone to dissipitate due to the lack of commitment from indignant people. Thirdly, development in telecommunication has enabled us to interact regardless of linguistic or geographical boundary. This might foster the global interoperability, however, in the meantime, exerting debilitating effects on culture of many countries. To illustrate, many adults on seeing the ubiquity of English as an alternative for international communication oblige their offsprings to study English with a hope that they could stand higher chance of getting a prestigious job. This tendency, along with the discrepancy in appreciation for foregin language and their mother tounge might stampede the young generation into loosing connection with their ancestral culture.
In conclusion, although the blooming in technology might leverage the need of staff among businesses, thereby meeting social demand temporarily, its drawbacks seems to outweigh its benefits. From my stance, the infiltration of technology would be inevitable, henceforth, adopting measures to curve its impact on economic and cultural growth is highly advisible.

---

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "deeply-ingrained" -> "deeply ingrained"
   Explanation: Hyphens are typically used in compound adjectives before nouns (e.g., "deeply ingrained beliefs"), but when the adjective follows the noun, they are not needed (e.g., "the beliefs are deeply ingrained").

2. "its prevalence" -> "its prevalence"
   Explanation: "Prevalence" already implies the idea of being widespread or dominant, so "its prevalence" is redundant.

3. "rise to a dichotomy" -> "resulted in a dichotomy"
   Explanation: "Rise to a dichotomy" is a bit awkward and less precise. "Resulted in a dichotomy" is a clearer and more formal expression.

4. "inflicts harms" -> "inflicts harm"
   Explanation: The phrase "inflicts harm" is more concise and grammatically correct.

5. "almost every aspect relating to mechanization hardly stays rigid" -> "nearly every aspect of mechanization is inherently dynamic"
   Explanation: The original phrase is confusing and awkwardly structured. "Nearly every aspect of mechanization is inherently dynamic" is clearer and more concise.

6. "its ever-evolving nature influence" -> "its ever-evolving nature influences"
   Explanation: Subject-verb agreement error. "Influence" should be changed to "influences" to match the singular subject "nature."

7. "the requirement of personel among technology enterprises" -> "the personnel needs of technology enterprises"
   Explanation: "Personnel needs" is a more formal and appropriate term than "requirement of personnel."

8. "susceptible to be laid off" -> "susceptible to layoffs"
   Explanation: "Susceptible to layoffs" is a more concise and natural expression.

9. "inordinate number of people" -> "large number of people"
   Explanation: "Inordinate" is too strong for this context; "large" is more appropriate and neutral.

10. "would likely to rely most of their income" -> "would likely rely mostly on their income"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured. The suggested alternative is clearer and more concise.

11. "pressure on the national economy" -> "pressure on the national economy"
    Explanation: This phrase is already suitable for academic writing and doesn’t require changes.

12. "pose a prominent threat" -> "pose a significant threat"
    Explanation: "Prominent" may imply visibility rather than seriousness; "significant" is a better fit for expressing the seriousness of the threat.

13. "General speaking" -> "Generally speaking"
    Explanation: "General speaking" is incorrect; "Generally speaking" is the correct phrase.

14. "propeling" -> "propelling"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error to "propelling."

15. "abandoning their family businesses which could be seen in a array of Vietnamese villages" -> "abandoning their family businesses, a trend evident in numerous Vietnamese villages"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and removing the informal phrase "which could be seen."

16. "This inclination turns out to be rather short-sighted" -> "This inclination proves short-sighted"
    Explanation: The phrase "turns out to be" is informal; "proves" is a more fitting term for academic writing.

17. "conserving valuable traditional crafts are prone to dissipitate" -> "the conservation of valuable traditional crafts is prone to dissipate"
    Explanation: Correcting subject-verb agreement and using a more precise verb ("dissipate") instead of "turning out to be."

18. "telecommunication" -> "telecommunications"
    Explanation: Using the plural form "telecommunications" is more standard.

19. "foster the global interoperability" -> "foster global interoperability"
    Explanation: Removing the article "the" to improve the flow and formality of the sentence.

20. "exerting debilitating effects on culture of many countries" -> "exerting a debilitating effect on the cultures of many countries"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and precision, and changing "effects" to "effect" for grammatical correctness.

21. "many adults on seeing the ubiquity of English" -> "many adults, upon witnessing the ubiquity of English"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, and replacing the informal "on seeing" with "upon witnessing."

22. "foregin language" -> "foreign language"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error to "foreign language."

23. "might stampede the young generation into loosing connection" -> "might lead the younger generation to lose connection"
    Explanation: Using "lead" instead of "stampede" for a more appropriate and less metaphorical expression. Also correcting the spelling error "loosing" to "losing."

24. "blooming in technology" -> "boom in technology"
    Explanation: "Boom in technology" is a more precise and formal expression than "blooming in technology."

25. "From my stance" -> "From my perspective"
    Explanation: "From my perspective" is a more formal and suitable phrase for academic writing than "From my stance."

26. "henceforth" -> "hence"
    Explanation: "Hence" is a more concise and appropriate term in this context.

27. "adopting measures to curve its impact" -> "adopting measures to mitigate its impact"
    Explanation: "Mitigate" is a more formal and precise term than "curve" in this context.

28. "highly advisible" -> "highly advisable"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error to "advisable."

29. "wholeheartedly" -> "wholeheartedly"
    Explanation: This word is already suitable for academic writing and doesn’t require changes.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by presenting a clear stance on the impact of technology on economic and cultural development. It discusses both the positive (job opportunities) and negative (retardation of development) aspects, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the issue.

  • How to improve: To further enhance the response, consider providing more specific examples or evidence to support the arguments made. This can help strengthen the overall argument and make it more persuasive.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, supporting the idea that technology development can hinder economic and cultural growth despite creating job opportunities.

  • How to improve: To improve clarity, ensure that each paragraph and supporting point directly aligns with the main argument. Additionally, consider addressing potential counterarguments to strengthen the overall argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas in a coherent manner and provides some development and support for these ideas. However, some arguments could be further elaborated or supported with more specific examples or evidence.

  • How to improve: To extend and support ideas more effectively, consider providing detailed examples, statistics, or real-world scenarios to bolster the arguments. This can make the essay more convincing and persuasive.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the impact of technology on economic and cultural development. However, there are some instances where the connection to the main topic could be strengthened.

  • How to improve: To stay more focused on the topic, ensure that each paragraph and argument directly relates to the main thesis statement. Avoid tangential discussions that do not contribute to the central argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively presents a coherent argument. To improve, focus on providing more specific examples and evidence to support the arguments made, and ensure that each paragraph directly aligns with the main thesis statement.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing different aspects of the argument, and a conclusion summarizing the main points. Each paragraph presents a distinct argument, progressing logically from one point to the next.
  • How to improve: While the overall organization is coherent, there are areas where the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the coherence of the essay. Using transitional phrases or sentences to connect ideas between paragraphs can help maintain a seamless flow of thought.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to structure its content, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific argument or idea. However, there are instances where the paragraphs could be more focused and concise, particularly in the third paragraph where multiple ideas are presented without clear separation.
  • How to improve: To enhance paragraph structure and effectiveness, consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones, each addressing a single aspect of the argument. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples to strengthen the argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and create coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Thirdly," which help guide the reader through the essay’s structure. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used and integrating them more seamlessly into the text.
  • How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices beyond simple enumeration (Firstly, Secondly, Thirdly) to include a variety of linking words and phrases such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In addition," etc. These devices can help establish stronger connections between ideas and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents arguments and maintains coherence and cohesion to a reasonable extent, there are opportunities for improvement in enhancing the logical flow between paragraphs, refining paragraph structure for clarity, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices to create a more cohesive and coherent piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with a variety of terms used to discuss technological advancement, economic implications, and cultural concerns. For instance, phrases like "technological proliferation," "mechanization," "contemporary digital trends," "traditional crafts," and "global interoperability" showcase the writer’s ability to employ diverse vocabulary. Additionally, the essay incorporates complex expressions such as "inordinate number," "sudden rise in demands," and "debilitating effects," enhancing the lexical richness.
  • How to improve: While the essay showcases a wide range of vocabulary, some phrases appear slightly awkward or imprecise in their usage. For example, "propeling many people into abandoning their family businesses" could be revised for clarity and precision. Encouraging the use of idiomatic expressions and refining sentence structures can further elevate the lexical resource.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, conveying nuanced ideas effectively. However, there are instances where word choice could be improved for greater clarity and accuracy. For instance, the phrase "in the main" may be substituted with a more concise expression like "generally" or "typically." Additionally, the term "indignant people" might not accurately capture the intended meaning; perhaps "reluctant individuals" or "resistant communities" would be more fitting.
  • How to improve: Encourage the writer to scrutinize each word choice to ensure it aligns precisely with the intended message. Suggest utilizing a thesaurus to explore alternative terms that may convey ideas more precisely. Additionally, practicing concise expression and avoiding overly complex language can enhance clarity and effectiveness.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with no glaring errors that significantly detract from comprehension. However, there are a few instances of misspelled words or typographical errors, such as "personel" (personnel), "crafts" (craft), "foregin" (foreign), and "advisible" (advisable). While these errors do not impede overall understanding, they contribute to a less polished presentation.
  • How to improve: Encourage the writer to utilize spell-checking tools during the drafting and revising process to identify and correct spelling errors. Additionally, emphasizing the importance of proofreading for spelling accuracy before final submission can help improve the overall quality of the written work. Developing a habit of reviewing written content systematically for spelling and grammar can enhance the professionalism of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, with a commendable range of terms utilized to explore the given topic. However, refining the precision of vocabulary usage and enhancing spelling accuracy can further elevate the effectiveness and professionalism of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, conditional sentences, and relative clauses. For instance, "In the age of digitization, technology has been a deeply-ingrained part of our life" (complex sentence), "Although there is no denying that newly-emerging trends in technology might devise job opportunities" (conditional sentence), and "Higher remuneration offered by companies has been propeling many people into abandoning their family businesses" (compound sentence with a participial phrase). These structures enhance the readability and sophistication of the essay.
  • How to improve: While the essay already incorporates a diverse range of structures, incorporating more advanced structures such as inversion or reduced relative clauses could further elevate the complexity and coherence of the writing. Additionally, ensuring the appropriate use of complex structures to avoid potential confusion or ambiguity is essential.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates overall proficiency in grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the essay. For example, "Its prevalence has given rise to a dichotomy, with divergent perspectives on the nature of its impact on our society" (comma splice), "The inordinate number of people without stable career prospects would likely to rely most of their income from government’s aids" (subject-verb agreement error), and "Many adults on seeing the ubiquity of English as an alternative for international communication oblige their offsprings to study English" (incorrect word choice, should be "offspring"). Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors such as missing commas and inconsistent use of capitalization.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is advisable to carefully proofread the essay to identify and correct errors in subject-verb agreement, sentence structure, and word choice. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers or teachers can also be beneficial in identifying and addressing grammatical weaknesses. Additionally, paying attention to punctuation rules, particularly regarding comma usage and capitalization, can help improve the overall clarity and coherence of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

“In the age of digitization, technology has become a deeply ingrained part of our lives. Its prevalence has resulted in a dichotomy, with divergent perspectives on the nature of its impact on our society. There is a school of thought that technological proliferation inflicts harm on economic and cultural growth, despite creating new employment opportunities. Personally, I agree with this notion wholeheartedly.

Firstly, although it is undeniable that newly-emerging trends in technology might devise job opportunities, such careers are rather unstable as they rely on the developmental pattern of technology. In general, nearly every aspect of mechanization is inherently dynamic. Its ever-evolving nature influences the personnel needs of technology enterprises. Therefore, those whose jobs are prompted by contemporary digital trends are susceptible to layoffs. A large number of people without stable career prospects would likely rely mostly on their income from government aid, which ultimately puts pressure on the national economy.

Secondly, the sudden rise in demand for people working in technological fields could pose a significant threat to the conservation of traditional crafts. Generally speaking, machines operated within factories are bound to become more sophisticated, which requires extensive training and longer working hours to fulfill the tasks. Higher remuneration offered by companies has been propelling many people to abandon their family businesses, a trend evident in numerous Vietnamese villages. This inclination proves short-sighted as the conservation of valuable traditional crafts is prone to dissipate due to the lack of commitment from indignant people.

Thirdly, development in telecommunications has enabled us to interact regardless of linguistic or geographical boundaries. This might foster global interoperability; however, it is also exerting a debilitating effect on the cultures of many countries. To illustrate, many adults, upon witnessing the ubiquity of English as a foreign language for international communication, oblige their offspring to study English with the hope that they could stand a higher chance of getting a prestigious job. This tendency, along with the discrepancy in appreciation for foreign languages and their mother tongue, might lead the younger generation to lose connection with their ancestral culture.

In conclusion, although the boom in technology might leverage the need for staff among businesses, thereby meeting social demand temporarily, its drawbacks seem to outweigh its benefits. From my perspective, the infiltration of technology is inevitable; hence, adopting measures to mitigate its impact on economic and cultural growth is highly advisable.”