The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The presented bar graph gives information about the comparison of how many people lived in town, rural and city from 1995 to 2010, divided into two groups which are born inside and outside Australia.

Overall, it is cleary seen that people in all of countries prefer living in cities the most. Moreover, the percentage of both Australian and other countries civilians who lived in town and rural ares had signitficantly changes after 15 years.

As is shown in the illustration, the figures of Australian and other populations were proportional to each other in 1995. Cities account for the majority with about 50% and 60% for Australia and other countries in the order. The second place and the third place belonged to rural areas and town which had approximately 30% and 20% of people who born in Australia and nearly 40% then 10% of the foreigners.

Until 2010, the data had many considerable changes. All of the individuals decided to move to big cities that can easily display in the chart. in both groups of people dramastically rocketed with more than 60% of Australia and just over 80% of people born ouside this nation. In addition, the amount of town and rural civilians overwhelmingly slumped. The Australian had the same percentages of people who lived in these area which below 20% and the residents who come from other countries hit the lowest point by less than 10% of rural and town dwellers.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "cleary seen" -> "clearly observed"
   Explanation: "Clear" is a more precise and formal adjective to describe visibility in this context.

2. "signitficantly changes" -> "significantly changed"
   Explanation: "Changes" should be in the past tense to match the timeframe of the comparison (1995 to 2010).

3. "proportional to each other" -> "corresponding to one another"
   Explanation: "Corresponding" emphasizes the relationship between the populations more effectively than "proportional" in this context.

4. "had approximately 30% and 20% of people who born in Australia and nearly 40% then 10% of the foreigners" -> "comprised roughly 30% and 20% of native-born Australians, while approximately 40% and 10% constituted the foreign-born population"
   Explanation: The suggested revision provides a clearer and more detailed description of the population distribution, avoiding redundancy and improving clarity.

5. "dramastically rocketed" -> "dramatically surged"
   Explanation: "Surged" is a stronger and more precise verb choice compared to "rocketed" in this context.

6. "below 20%" -> "less than 20%"
   Explanation: "Less than" is a more precise comparative term when referring to specific percentages.

7. "hit the lowest point by less than 10% of rural and town dwellers" -> "reached a nadir of less than 10% for residents in rural and town areas"
   Explanation: "Nadir" is a more sophisticated term to describe the lowest point, adding nuance and depth to the sentence.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the task by summarizing the main features of the bar chart, covering the changes in percentages of people living in urban, rural, and town areas between 1995 and 2010, both for those born in Australia and those born outside Australia. The overview provides a clear comparison of the trends over the 15-year period, mentioning the preference for city living and the significant changes in rural and town populations.
How to improve: To enhance the response and potentially achieve a higher band score, ensure that the details provided are more accurate and relevant. Additionally, extend the explanation of key features beyond basic descriptions, providing more depth and analysis where possible. Avoid minor grammatical errors for better clarity and coherence in the essay. Furthermore, consider a more varied vocabulary to improve lexical resource and overall writing quality.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information coherently with a clear overall progression. It effectively uses cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences, though there are instances of mechanical cohesion. Paragraphing is utilized, but not consistently logically. There is a clear central topic within each paragraph, aiding in readability and organization.
How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on ensuring smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Work on using cohesive devices more naturally, avoiding mechanical repetition. Also, ensure that each paragraph logically follows from the previous one to enhance overall coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, incorporating terms related to population demographics and geographical areas. There are attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "proportional," "considerable," and "overwhelmingly slumped," although some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are noticeable ("cleary seen" should be "clearly seen," "significantly changes" should be "significantly changed," "dramastically rocketed" should be "dramatically skyrocketed"). While the essay effectively conveys the main features of the bar chart and makes comparisons between different time periods, there are occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation, which may slightly impede communication.

How to improve:
To improve lexical resource, focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater accuracy. Pay attention to word choice and collocation to ensure precision in conveying meaning. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors can enhance the clarity and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation:
The essay utilizes a limited range of grammatical structures and makes attempts at complex sentences, which are generally less accurate than simple ones. This aligns with the descriptors for Band 5, which states the candidate "uses only a limited range of structures" and "may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty." The essay demonstrates several grammatical issues and some awkward phrasing ("Overall, it is cleary seen," "signitficantly changes," "dramastically rocketed"), which impede clarity and make understanding more difficult for the reader. Errors such as these suggest a lack of grammatical control that fits within Band 5, where errors can cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to Improve:
To aim for a higher band score, focus on increasing the range of grammatical structures used, ensuring accuracy particularly in more complex sentence forms. Regular practice with complex grammatical constructions, such as relative clauses, conditionals, and passive voice, will help improve accuracy and range. Also, paying attention to the correction of common errors, like those seen in the misuse of adverbs ("dramastically") and verb forms, will enhance grammatical control. Engaging in proofreading exercises can also help in identifying and correcting frequent errors, thus enhancing overall grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar graph illustrates the changes in the proportions of individuals residing in urban, rural, and town areas in Australia, differentiating between those born within and outside the country over the period spanning from 1995 to 2010.

In general, it is evident that urban living was the preferred choice across all demographics. Furthermore, notable shifts occurred in the percentages of Australian-born and foreign-born individuals residing in town and rural areas over the fifteen-year period.

Initially, in 1995, the distribution of Australian and non-Australian populations was relatively similar. Urban areas claimed the largest share, with approximately 50% and 60% for Australian-born and foreign-born residents respectively. Rural and town areas followed, hosting around 30% and 20% of Australian-born individuals, and nearly 40% and 10% of foreign-born residents, respectively.

By 2010, a significant transition was observed, with a considerable migration towards urban centers evident in both demographic groups. The percentages surged to over 60% for Australian-born and slightly above 80% for foreign-born individuals. Concurrently, there was a substantial decline in the proportions of town and rural inhabitants. Australian-born individuals accounted for less than 20% in these regions, while foreign-born residents reached their lowest point, comprising less than 10% of the rural and town populations.