The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.

The provided bar charts illustrate the comparison of some changes about the proportion of people were born in and outside Australia living in urban, rural and town in 1995 and 2010.

Overall, it is evident that cities were by far the most preferred by both Australian and non-Australian citizens. In addition, the percentages of surveyed people living in cities witnessed an upward trend, while the ratios of both Australian and non-Australian residents in towns and rural areas experienced a decrease.

Looking first at the figure for people born in Australia, in 1995, roughly 50% of those citizens favored cities, while approximately 30% of them chose rural areas, and towns were recorded at the least preferred places for those who born in Australia with the chosen rate of exactly one fifth. Over the subsequent five years, the ratio of people born in Austria preferring cities increased to nearly 65%, contrasting to the figures for rural areas and town exhibited a decrease to the same level 2010, each was recorded at the proportion of around 17%.

Regarding the statistic for people born outside Australia, non-Australians also preferred cities the most, with the ratio of 65%, distantly followed by the recorded figures for rural areas and towns, reaching exactly 40% and roughly 10%, respectively. By 2010, the disparity in the preference of non-Australian was widened. There was a 20% increase in the number of non-Australian citizens favored cities, whereas the chosen ratios of towns and rural areas were noted with a plummet to only 8% and 4%, respectively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"some changes about the proportion of people were born in" -> "the proportion of individuals born in"
Explanation: "Changes about the proportion of people were born in" is awkward and lacks precision. Replacing it with "the proportion of individuals born in" clarifies the subject and improves the fluency of the sentence.
"witnessed an upward trend" -> "experienced an upward trend"
Explanation: While "witnessed" is technically correct, "experienced" is a more precise and dynamic verb choice, enhancing the sophistication of the description.
"those who born in Australia" -> "those born in Australia"
Explanation: "Those who born in Australia" is grammatically incorrect. Using "those born in Australia" is more concise and grammatically accurate.
"subsequent five years" -> "following five years"
Explanation: "Subsequent" is appropriate, but "following" is more sophisticated and commonly used in formal writing.
"Austria" -> "Australia"
Explanation: "Austria" is a country in Europe, while the context suggests "Australia" is intended. Replacing "Austria" with "Australia" corrects this error.
"distantly followed by the recorded figures" -> "followed by the recorded figures at a distance"
Explanation: "Distantly followed by the recorded figures" is awkward. Restructuring the phrase to "followed by the recorded figures at a distance" maintains clarity and improves readability.
"the disparity in the preference of non-Australian was widened" -> "the disparity in the preference of non-Australians widened"
Explanation: "Non-Australian" should be pluralized to "non-Australians" to match the plural subject. Additionally, "was widened" can be simplified to "widened" for conciseness.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends observed in the bar charts. It effectively highlights key features, such as the preference for cities among both Australian and non-Australian citizens, and the contrasting trends in urban, rural, and town populations between 1995 and 2010.

How to improve: To enhance the response to reach a higher band score, consider providing more specific and detailed data from the bar charts to support the overview. Additionally, ensure that the language is precise and concise throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information by first introducing the main trends observed in the bar charts and then proceeding to discuss each category (urban, rural, town) for both Australian-born and non-Australian-born individuals separately. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic and exhibits progression from discussing the 1995 data to the 2010 data. Cohesive devices such as linking words ("Overall", "Looking first at", "Regarding the statistic for") help connect ideas within and between sentences. Additionally, the essay effectively uses pronouns and referencing to maintain cohesion.

How to improve: To further improve coherence and cohesion, ensure consistent and accurate use of referencing and pronouns throughout the essay. Additionally, vary the range of cohesive devices used to avoid repetition and enhance the flow of ideas. Consider incorporating more transitional phrases to seamlessly guide the reader through the essay. Finally, pay attention to minor grammatical errors to enhance overall clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, including terms related to describing proportions and trends. It attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "proportion" and "disparity," albeit with some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, like "people were born in Austria" instead of "people born in Australia." There are also occasional errors in word formation and spelling, such as "Austria" instead of "Australia" and "chosen rate" instead of "chosen percentage." However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, focus on accurate word choice and collocation. Review the essay for errors in word formation and spelling to ensure clarity and precision. Additionally, aim for consistency in terminology usage throughout the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, incorporating varied sentence lengths and structures. The candidate attempts to use a range of vocabulary and transitions to convey ideas effectively. However, there are noticeable grammatical errors and punctuation issues throughout the essay, which occasionally hinder communication. Some sentence structures are unnecessarily convoluted, impacting clarity.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, the candidate should focus on refining sentence structures and ensuring consistent and correct use of grammar and punctuation. Simplifying complex sentences where possible can enhance clarity. Additionally, proofreading for errors such as subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and punctuation would be beneficial. Practicing writing under timed conditions and seeking feedback on grammar and sentence structure would aid in improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar charts illustrate changes in the proportions of people born in Australia and those born outside Australia residing in urban, rural, and town areas between 1995 and 2010.

Overall, it is evident that cities were the most preferred locations for both Australian-born and non-Australian-born individuals. Additionally, the percentages of individuals residing in cities saw an upward trend, while those living in towns and rural areas experienced a decline.

Examining the data for individuals born in Australia, in 1995, approximately 50% favored cities, while around 30% chose rural areas, and towns were the least preferred, accounting for exactly one fifth of the population. Over the subsequent five years, the proportion of Australian-born individuals preferring cities increased to nearly 65%, while the figures for rural areas and towns decreased to approximately 17% each by 2010.

Turning to the statistics for individuals born outside Australia, non-Australians also showed a preference for cities, with a ratio of 65%, followed by rural areas at 40% and towns at roughly 10%. By 2010, the preference for cities among non-Australians had increased by 20%, while the proportions for towns and rural areas had plummeted to 8% and 4%, respectively.