The bar chart below show the hours per week that teenagers spent doing certain activites in Chester from 2002 to 2007

The bar graph illustrates the weekly hours spent by teenagers engaging in various activities in Chester between 2002 and 2007
Overall, it is obvious that the amount of weekly time allocated by teenagers for going to pubs/discos, watching television, and shopping saw an upward trend over the period, whereas the opposite was true for other categories. Moreover, the time spent watching television was the highest, while the time spent bowling was the lowest between 2002 and 2007.
It can be seen that in 2002, the amount of weekly time allocated by teenagers for watching television was 25 hours, which was over 3 times higher than the time spent going to pubs/discos and shopping. After that 5-year period, both going to pubs/discos and shopping continued to sharply increase to 17.5 and 15 hours, respectively. Following a rather similar trend, there was a moderate rise to around 38 weekly hours spent by teenagers engaging in shopping.
Moving on to other categories, in 2002, the hours per week that teenagers spent on bowling was 4 hours, which was less than 10 hours lower than the time spent doing homework, sports, and watching DVDs. The time allocated for homework, sports, and bowling witnessed a steady decrease to 6, 2, and 1 hour per weed in 2007. In 2002, teenagers spent 11 hours per week watching DVDs, with a subsequent increase to 18 in 2004 and a final drop to 10 in 2007.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Overall, it is obvious that the amount of weekly time allocated by teenagers for going to pubs/discos…" -> "Overall, it is evident that the weekly time teenagers allocate to going to pubs/discos…"
Explanation: Replacing "obvious" with "evident" maintains clarity while introducing a more sophisticated term.
"whereas the opposite was true for other categories." -> "whereas the inverse was true for other categories."
Explanation: "Inverse" is a more precise term than "opposite" in this context, indicating a complete reversal of trends.
"Moreover, the time spent watching television was the highest, while the time spent bowling was the lowest between 2002 and 2007." -> "Furthermore, television viewing time peaked, while bowling time hit its nadir between 2002 and 2007."
Explanation: "Nadir" is a more advanced term that specifically refers to the lowest point, enhancing the vocabulary choice.
"It can be seen that in 2002, the amount of weekly time allocated by teenagers for watching television was 25 hours…" -> "In 2002, teenagers dedicated 25 hours per week to watching television…"
Explanation: The phrase "It can be seen" is unnecessary and can be omitted for a more direct and concise statement.
"After that 5-year period, both going to pubs/discos and shopping continued to sharply increase to 17.5 and 15 hours, respectively." -> "Following that five-year period, both pub/discos attendance and shopping saw significant increases to 17.5 and 15 hours, respectively."
Explanation: By using "attendance" instead of "going to," the language becomes more formal. Additionally, "significant increases" is more precise than "sharply increase."
"Moving on to other categories, in 2002, the hours per week that teenagers spent on bowling was 4 hours…" -> "Transitioning to other categories, teenagers spent 4 hours per week on bowling in 2002…"
Explanation: Replacing "Moving on" with "Transitioning" maintains the flow of the text while providing a more formal transition. Also, "spent" agrees with the plural "hours."
"which was less than 10 hours lower than the time spent doing homework, sports, and watching DVDs." -> "which was nearly 10 hours less than the time dedicated to homework, sports, and watching DVDs."
Explanation: Using "dedicated to" instead of "spent doing" adds precision, and "nearly" is more formal than "less than."
"The time allocated for homework, sports, and bowling witnessed a steady decrease to 6, 2, and 1 hour per weed in 2007." -> "The time allocated to homework, sports, and bowling experienced a steady decline to 6, 2, and 1 hour per week in 2007."
Explanation: "Experienced a steady decline" is a more formal and precise phrase than "witnessed a steady decrease."
"In 2002, teenagers spent 11 hours per week watching DVDs, with a subsequent increase to 18 in 2004 and a final drop to 10 in 2007." -> "In 2002, teenagers devoted 11 hours per week to watching DVDs, followed by a rise to 18 in 2004 and a subsequent decrease to 10 in 2007."
Explanation: "Devoted" is a more formal term than "spent," and "subsequent" and "final" enhance the chronological clarity of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the data presented in the bar chart. It effectively highlights key features such as the upward trend in time spent on activities like going to pubs/discos and shopping, as well as the downward trend in activities like homework, sports, and bowling. The overall organization and coherence of the essay are satisfactory.
How to improve: To improve, the essay could provide a more detailed analysis of the data by extending the discussion of key features beyond a simple description. Additionally, ensuring accuracy and precision in reporting specific data points would enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the analysis.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay presents information in a generally coherent manner, with a clear introduction and overview. It organizes information logically, starting with an introduction, followed by an overview of the trends, and then detailing specific data points. The use of transitional phrases like "Moreover," and "Moving on to other categories," helps in maintaining coherence. The essay also demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as time references and pronouns, to connect ideas within and between sentences.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, the essay could benefit from better paragraphing. While the essay attempts to organize information into paragraphs, the transitions between them could be smoother to enhance coherence. Additionally, ensuring consistency in referencing throughout the essay would further improve cohesion. There is room for improvement in using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively to strengthen the logical flow of ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary that suits the task’s requirements, with the use of phrases such as "allocated by," "engaging in," and "saw an upward trend." The writer attempts to incorporate less common vocabulary which adds some depth to the narrative, such as "sharply increase" and "moderate rise." However, there are inaccuracies and occasional awkward collocations that somewhat affect the clarity and precision of the language used, evident in expressions like "over 3 times higher" and "per weed" (likely a typo for "per week"). There are a few errors in word choice and formation, but these do not severely impede communication. The vocabulary used is appropriate for describing trends and changes over time, though the expression could be more varied and sophisticated to achieve a higher band.

How to improve:
To move towards a higher band score, the writer should focus on:

Expanding Vocabulary: Introduce a broader range of vocabulary to describe data more precisely and variably. For example, instead of repeatedly using "hours per week" and "time spent," alternate with phrases like "weekly hours," "duration," or "time allocation."
Accuracy in Word Choice: Pay closer attention to the accuracy of expressions and collocations. Phrases like "over 3 times higher" could be more accurately expressed as "more than three times as much as."
Avoid Repetition: While some vocabulary is appropriately technical for the task, the essay could benefit from less repetition of certain terms and phrases to enhance readability and engagement.
Proofreading: Address minor spelling errors and typos, such as "per weed," which should be corrected to "per week" to maintain professionalism and clarity in the presentation of data.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, incorporating a variety of grammatical structures. There is evidence of attempts at complex sentences, such as "Moreover, the time spent watching television was the highest, while the time spent bowling was the lowest between 2002 and 2007." However, there are also instances of simpler sentence structures throughout the essay. While there are some errors in grammar and punctuation, they do not significantly hinder communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, strive for more consistent use of complex sentence structures throughout the essay. Ensure that grammar and punctuation errors are minimized to further improve clarity and coherence. Consider revising sentences for clarity and precision, particularly in areas where meaning may be slightly obscured by grammatical issues.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar graph illustrates the weekly hours teenagers spent on various activities in Chester from 2002 to 2007. Overall, the time spent on going to pubs/discos, watching television, and shopping increased, while other activities generally declined. Additionally, watching television occupied the most significant amount of time, whereas bowling required the least.

In 2002, teenagers spent about 25 hours per week watching television, significantly more than the time allocated to other activities. Specifically, television hours were over three times higher than those spent going to pubs/discos and shopping. Both these latter activities saw a notable increase over the 5-year period, with the hours spent on going to pubs/discos rising to 17.5 by 2007, and shopping increasing to 15 hours.

Other activities, like bowling, started at a much lower level, with only 4 hours in 2002. This was lower than time spent on homework, sports, and watching DVDs. These activities saw a steady decrease over the 5-year period. For instance, the time dedicated to homework, sports, and bowling dropped to 6, 2, and 1 hour per week, respectively, by 2007.

Watching DVDs showed a more variable pattern. In 2002, teenagers spent 11 hours per week on this activity, with an increase to 18 hours by 2004. However, by 2007, this number fell to 10 hours, representing a slight overall decrease from the 2004 peak.