The bar chart below shows the number of employees from the European Union in the United States(1999). Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below

The bar chart below shows the number of employees from the European Union in the United States(1999).
Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below

The bar chart illustrates the figure of workers dedicated to science and technology field from the European Union in the America in 1999. Overall, the total of the number of British and German employees was higher than all the remaining countries’ total. In 1999, the US observed the most outstanding statistics of the workers from Britain, which was in the adjacent of thirty thousand people. In addition, the figure for the Germans working in the US was the second highest and it was twenty-five thousand employees. Conversely, France and Italia had the pettiest number of workers working in the US, which were roughly a fifth of the Germany’s figure and approximately ten thousand workers respectively. Moreover, America recorded that the number of the workers from other countries was twenty thousand employees.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar chart illustrates the figure of workers dedicated to science and technology field from the European Union in the America in 1999." -> "The bar chart illustrates the number of workers in the science and technology field from the European Union in the United States in 1999."
Explanation: The original phrase "the figure of workers dedicated to science and technology field" is awkward and unclear. "Number of workers in the science and technology field" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing. Additionally, "in the America" is incorrect; "in the United States" is the correct geographical reference.
"the total of the number of British and German employees" -> "the total number of British and German employees"
Explanation: The phrase "the total of the number" is redundant. Simplifying it to "the total number" improves clarity and conciseness.
"the US observed the most outstanding statistics of the workers from Britain" -> "the United States recorded the highest number of workers from Britain"
Explanation: "Observed the most outstanding statistics" is an awkward and unclear construction. "Recorded the highest number" is more direct and appropriate for describing numerical data.
"in the adjacent of thirty thousand people" -> "approximately thirty thousand people"
Explanation: "In the adjacent of" is incorrect and unclear. "Approximately" is the correct term to indicate an estimate.
"the Germans working in the US was the second highest" -> "the number of Germans working in the US was the second highest"
Explanation: Adding "the number of" clarifies that the subject is referring to the quantity of Germans, not the Germans themselves.
"the pettiest number of workers" -> "the smallest number of workers"
Explanation: "Petti" is not a standard term in English; "smallest" is the correct adjective for describing the least amount.
"which were roughly a fifth of the Germany’s figure" -> "which was roughly one-fifth of the number for Germany"
Explanation: "Were roughly a fifth of the Germany’s figure" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Was roughly one-fifth of the number for Germany" corrects these issues and enhances clarity.
"approximately ten thousand workers respectively" -> "approximately 10,000 workers each"
Explanation: "Respectively" is typically used to indicate a corresponding relationship between items in a list, which is not the case here. "Each" is more appropriate for indicating that each country has a similar number.
"America recorded that the number of the workers from other countries was twenty thousand employees" -> "The United States recorded that approximately 20,000 workers from other countries"
Explanation: "The number of the workers from other countries was twenty thousand employees" is redundant and awkward. Simplifying it to "approximately 20,000 workers from other countries" improves readability and precision.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the chart, including the highest and lowest figures. It also highlights some key features, such as the fact that the total number of British and German employees was higher than all the remaining countries. However, the essay does not fully extend the key features and some details are irrelevant or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the number of French workers was "roughly a fifth of the Germany’s figure", but the chart shows that the number of French workers was actually less than half the number of German workers.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate and relevant details. For example, the essay could state that the number of French workers was approximately 5,000, while the number of German workers was approximately 25,000. The essay could also provide more specific information about the other countries, such as the number of Italian workers and the number of workers from other countries.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to convey the main points regarding the number of employees from different countries, the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, leading to confusion in the relationships between the ideas presented. Additionally, the paragraphing is not clearly defined, as the essay reads more like a single block of text rather than distinct paragraphs.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the essay into clear paragraphs, each with a central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices effectively will help to connect ideas more logically. Additionally, ensuring that comparisons are clear and that transitions between points are smooth will improve the overall flow of the essay. Finally, avoiding repetition and ensuring accurate referencing will contribute to a more coherent presentation of information.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it conveys the main ideas of the bar chart, the vocabulary used is basic and lacks variety. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "the figure of workers dedicated to science and technology field," which could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, phrases like "the pettiest number of workers" are awkward and not commonly used in English. Errors in spelling and word formation, such as "Italia" instead of "Italy," also detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the report. These issues may cause some difficulty for the reader in fully understanding the information presented.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, particularly less common lexical items relevant to the topic. Using synonyms and varying sentence structures can help convey precise meanings more effectively. Additionally, paying attention to collocations and ensuring correct word forms will improve clarity. For example, instead of "the pettiest number of workers," the writer could use "the lowest number of workers." Regular practice with vocabulary exercises and reading academic reports can also aid in developing a more sophisticated vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While it attempts to convey the information from the bar chart, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrases that affect clarity. For instance, phrases like "the figure of workers dedicated to science and technology field" and "the pettiest number of workers" are not idiomatic and could confuse the reader. Additionally, there are some punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences. However, the overall message is still communicated, which aligns with the criteria for this band.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Use a wider variety of complex sentences while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Clarity and Precision: Avoid awkward phrases and ensure that terminology is used correctly (e.g., "pettiest" should be replaced with "smallest").
Proofreading: Carefully check for grammatical and punctuation errors to enhance overall accuracy.
Vocabulary: Expand your vocabulary to express ideas more clearly and accurately, which can also help in avoiding repetition.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the number of workers dedicated to the science and technology field from the European Union in the United States in 1999. Overall, the total number of British and German employees was higher than the total from all other countries combined. In 1999, the US recorded the highest number of workers from Britain, which was nearly thirty thousand people. In addition, the figure for German employees working in the US was the second highest at twenty-five thousand. Conversely, France and Italy had the lowest number of workers in the US, which were roughly a fifth of Germany’s figure and approximately ten thousand workers, respectively. Moreover, the US recorded that the number of workers from other countries was twenty thousand employees.